Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck (35 page)

You can sometimes do something nice for a whole bunch of people, like by noticing that everyone in a restaurant seems to be shivering and being the one to ask the manager to turn down the AC. In the wake of a one-penny increase in the cost of mailing a letter, the founder of the field of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, went to the post office to buy a sheet of 100 1-cent stamps. He wrote in
Flourish
that he stood fuming in an “enormous, meandering line” for forty-five minutes along with numerous fuming others. When he finally made it to the front, instead of getting just one sheet of 100 stamps, he asked for ten sheets, which cost him all of $10. He then turned to the people in line behind him, held out the sheets, and shouted, “Who needs one-penny stamps? They’re free!” People burst into applause and clustered around him as he handed out the sheets. “Within two minutes,” he says, “everyone was gone, along with most of my stamps. It was one of the most satisfying moments of my life.”

HOW TO LIVE FOREVER

People are drawn to stories about heaven and reincarnation, though there’s no actual proof of either—no co-worker who went to heaven but decided not to stay and came back on Monday with a snow globe from Saint Peter. Yet, there is one surefire way to ensure we live on, and it’s through making a difference in others’ lives. Take psychiatrist Mark Goulston, whom I wrote about in the “Communicating” chapter. He may end up in an urn on one of his children’s end tables, but through the suicidal woman he helped—the one
⁶¹
who went on to get her life together, get married, have children, and become a therapist herself—his life has meaning far into the future.

Any one of us can live on through the good things we do—even much smaller things than saving a life. Every time you extend yourself for another person, you change our world for the better by putting them in the mood to pay it forward. You’re also engaging in a form of flash-mentoring—very briefly acting as their guide for what our world can be, as opposed to what we’ve been allowing it to be: a society of glowering strangers putting their heads down as they pass one another, stopping only to shout into their cell phones.

There will be new manners issues that arise in the future: “What if you’re reading somebody’s thoughts and they get offended?” “Hey, your robot’s blocking the aisle!” or “Your driverless spaceship just cut off my driverless spaceship!” But until we start moving into 150-person space colonies, our overriding problem—living in societies too big for our brains—will remain.

So, changing the way we all relate to one another isn’t just something we should do; it’s something we
must
do. We have incredible freedoms in modern Western society, and with those come responsibility. This includes the responsibility to fill in what’s missing in the vast strangerhoods we’re now living in by turning toward other people, especially strangers, and effectively saying, “Hi, I’m your fellow human. How can I reduce your pain and suffering today?”

Doing this requires our living by choice instead of by behavioral default: Choosing to live connected instead of alienated. Choosing to be a neighbor instead of a bystander. And ultimately, choosing to live
meaningfully ever after
, by choosing, every day, to “leave the campground better than we found it,” one co-human we do a little something nice for at a time.

INDEX

The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your e-book. Please use the search function on your ereading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.

absolute altruism

abuse victims

The Adapted Mind
(Ellis, B. J.) addiction treatment

address book hijackers

adrenaline

adult entertainment, tipping for aggression

moralistic

passive-aggressive behavior

airline deregulation

airplanes

armrests on

baggage and

bathroom etiquette on

cell phones on

children on

families on

farting on

flight attendants and

hygiene and

instructions on

music on

other passengers on

services on

smells on

space on

AirTran

Alamo Drafthouse

Alasko, Carl

alcohol, tipping for

Algoe, Sara

Alkon, Amy

altruism

absolute

boomerang

Machiavellian

pathological

reciprocal

Ambrico, Tracy

amends, making

amygdala

Anderson, Judith L.

anger

anonymous notes

AOL

apologies

admitting wrongdoing and

anger and

costly

empathy and

gifts with

intentions and

making amends and

remorse and

Apple

Applebee’s (restaurant)

applied grace

appreciation

Aristotle

Arizona, sub-minimum wage in

armrests, on airplanes

Arrest-Proof Yourself
(Carson)
The Art of War
(Sun Tzu)
The As If Principle
(Wiseman)
assertivecancerpatient.com

atmosphere, of restaurants

attention, unwanted

attitude management

attraction

attribution bias

bad character

bad news

bad service

baggage, on airplanes

Balaker, Courtney

Balaker, Ted

baristas, tipping for

bars, tipping at

Bartosiewicz, Scott

Bateson, Melissa

bathroom attendants, tipping for bathroom etiquette

Baumeister, Roy

bcc.
See
blind carbon copy Beggs, Jonathan

“Behave as You Are in Real Life” rule crowdfunding and

e-mails and

employees and

group invitations and

“likes” and

mass-messaging and

photos and

social networking and

tagging on Facebook

behavior

confrontation of rude behavior for dining out

exposure of rude behavior

management of

neighborly

online

passive-aggressive

subconscious

unregulated

behavioral science

Bell, Alexander Graham

Bergin, Mary

Beyond Blame
(Alasko) bias

attribution

optimism

Bilton, Nick

birthday parties

blame

statements of

of victim

blind carbon copy (bcc)

block parties

body language

BoingBoing.net

Bol, Todd

Bonanno, George

boomerang altruism

Born for Love
(Perry and Szalavitz) Bowman, Josh

brain

amygdala and

cognitive shortcuts and

one-sided conversations and

Brandeis, Louis

Branden, Nathaniel

Brando, Marlon

breakups

dating and

with friends

breast cancer

A Brief History of Time
(Hawking) Broadwell, Paula

Bryant, Kobe

buffet restaurants, tipping at

business e-mails

Buss, David

bystander effect

California, sub-minimum wage in call blocking

call waiting

caller ID

cameras.
See also
photos portable

cancer, friends with

carbohydrates

CaringBridge.com

Carney, Dana R.

Carson, Dale C.

casual sex

cell phones.
See also
texting on airplanes

call blocking

call waiting

confronting rude callers

co-workers and

on dates

distracted use and

driving and

glowing screens of

jammers for

at movies

outgoing message

peer pressure and

in restaurants

ringers of

rudeness and

shared space and

spontaneous calls

vibrate, ringer on

voicemail and

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Central America

character, bad

charity

checks, dining out and

chewing, talking while

Child, Julia

children

on airplanes

empathy and

playgroups for

in restaurants

social skills of

choremail

Chowhound

Chrysler

civil asset forfeitures

Clooney, George

CNN

coat check, tipping at

Coe, Nick

on online restaurant reviews

on restaurant reservations

on splitting checks at restaurants cognitive shortcuts

cognitive therapy

co-humans

judicious kind acts for

comebacks, pity as

communication

behavior management and

dignity and

empathy and

honesty management and

hurt management and

indirect speech and

listening and

long-distance

request management and

community

creating

online

policing officers

compassion

comped meals or drinks, tipping for complex computational machinery conditioned reflexes

conflicts

in dating strategies

dignity and

between neighbors

in workplace