Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms (5 page)

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The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms Chapter Eleven: Wrapping Up

G-spot stimulation is an exciting addition to sexual experience, and I hope you’ll find the advice and techniques in this booklet help you get better acquainted with this part of your body. To sum up, I’ll give you three general guidelines to follow while you’re exploring the g-spot:

Start slow, go long, and relax.

1. Start slow. Remember, the g-spot is easier to find and more erotically sensitive when you’re already aroused. Spend time with non-penetrative stimulation before you go for the g-spot.

2. Go long. Take your time and allow your arousal level to build. Feel free to alternate between g-spot and clitoral stimulation, or do both simultaneously.

G-spot stimulation can generate a very intense level of arousal, but it often takes time to build up. Allow for half an hour or even an hour—it’s better than a long, hot bath!

3. Relax. Because it can take time, you might worry that it’s taking too long, or you might start wondering if it’s working. Remember: Your definition of success is enjoying this new experience and not The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms 53

wondering if you’re doing it “right.” If it feels good, you’re doing it right. Allow yourself to feel good without having any goal beyond just experiencing this pleasure.

G-spot play is all about expanding your sexual potential and exploring your sexual landscape. Getting to know your body and all the glorious things it can do for you is a reward in and of itself. Give the g-spot a try and see how it changes your sexuality.

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Multiple Orgasms

and More*

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Chapter Twelve: Multiple Orgasms

I get asked about multiple orgasms pretty regularly.

There are a couple different experiences people label

“multiple.”

1. You have an orgasm, you don’t stop having sex, and you have another orgasm maybe 10 minutes later; 2. You have an orgasm and then immediately have another and immediately have another.

The second situation seems to require some innate pre-disposition to responsiveness in order to occur reliably. The first, though, is accessible to many women.

What is orgasm, after all? It’s the explosive release of sexual tension, when that tension crosses a certain threshold. If the orgasm fails to dissipate a bunch of that tension, then another orgasm can happen again soon, as long as you continue to add more stimulation and tension. (This isn’t really true for men. When a man ejaculates, his body shuts down sexually—it’s called refraction—and he truly can’t get aroused. This helps explain why men tend to fall asleep after sex. If a guy can control his ejaculation, he could orgasm again, but that’s a pretty demanding skill.) 56

The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms So ladies, to have multiples, you need two things: 1. First, you need a whole lot of sexual tension, which can only be built up over an extended period of time.

2. The reason for this massive sexual tension is that there has to be some left over after the orgasm.

Sexual tension accumulates over time—so have a couple hours’ worth of a sexy date, where your partner is physically affectionate, looks at you with loving, desirous eyes, and says things that make you feel good about your body, your partner’s body, and sex in general.

If your partner has any verbal aptitude at all, a reason-able starting place might be at a romantic restaurant, enjoying a bottle of wine and quietly enumerating the kinds of things he or she intends to do to make you come that evening. Your partner might tell you that your first orgasm could be manual, in the car, right after you leave the restaurant, his or her hand up your dress. The second could involve penetration, with you slammed against the door as soon as you get home, panties nudged impatiently to one side. The third might be from oral sex on the kitchen floor, because you were on the way to get whipped cream out of The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms 57

the fridge, but didn’t make it to the bedroom. The fourth… anyway, you get the idea. Telling a quiet, sexy story is a great start.

Or you could be at a party, holding hands, enjoying tender caresses, hair touching, and little kisses on the neck and temple. These things accumulate over time.

And time is the crucial element here.

So then you get to the orgasm situation—you get home at last, for example, and get to bed. When that first orgasm happens, DON’T STOP. Slow down, yes, and avoid touching anything that might be over-sen-sitive post-orgasm (lots of women need their clits left WELL ALONE right after orgasm), but whatever can be touched lightly, should be. Inner thighs, the ribcage just below the breasts, the neck behind the earlobes, lips, cheekbones—keep the sexual excitation system engaged.

The second thing you need for multiple orgasms is: no other urgent physiological or psychological demands, like hunger, thirst, having to pee, being depressed or anxious, or being very tired.

Why? Because the massive accumulation of sexual tension shuts out any other needs, sexual release becomes 58

The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms the most urgent, most pressing demand your body is experiencing. It’s first in line, if you will. Once that tension has dissipated, if there is another urgent need, it steps forward and demands attention. You have to pee, eat, sleep, worry, whatever.

The upshot of this is that if your life is stressful and you don’t get enough sleep, having multiple orgasms will be more difficult for you.

What else gets in the way of multiples?

Overstimulation, for one. What I mean is, you can rub your arm so that it feels numb and irritated, and then with the passage of time the numbness goes away. It’s the same with sexual parts. You can stimulate the clit so much that it needs a break. Fortunately, we’re sexually adaptive creatures, so while the clit is recovering you can stimulate the g-spot, the anus, the breasts, or whatever other part generates sexual tension for you under sexy circumstances.

Also, orgasm is hard damn work for a lot of women.

It takes concentration and effort and sometimes you’re just BEAT afterward. Getting the energy to have ANOTHER orgasm might just be not worth the effort.

Don’t forget—even having just ONE orgasm is great!

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Multiple, extended, and all the other variations on orgasm are totally unnecessary to having a happy, healthy, fully functional sex life. It’s entertainment—a hobby, like going dancing or putting together a model airplane. Enriching, sure, but necessary for your health? Nah.

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The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms Chapter Thirteen: Simultaneous Orgasms Romance novels and movies are awash in simultaneous orgasms. Hero and Heroeen (read that like you’re Dudley Do-right) cross that exquisite threshold, launch themselves willingly over a trembling edge, and tumble downward in a spiraling, panting tangle of sheets and sweat and oxytocin.

Boy howdy, right? It’s terribly compelling, terribly romantic, this notion of fusing so utterly with your partner that every barrier is shed, every defense is dropped, and your bodies lock into each other’s arousal. The boundaries of your very skin seem to become permeable and you— almost literally—merge into each other, like the entrainment and synchronization of two rhythms or the joining of the Blue Nile with the White Nile or the microscopic union of egg and sperm giving rise to one new life or… whatever metaphor gets you.

But in real life, simultaneous orgasms are, like, hard, both for emotional reasons and for straightforward mechanical reasons.

There are some differences between men’s and women’s orgasms. Specifically, women take longer to The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms 61

orgasm and are less likely to orgasm from penile–vaginal penetration. (More on that in the next chapter.) And if the goal is for two people to have an orgasm at the same time, then how long it takes you to come and what kind of stimulation gets you there—well, those are things you need to be able to match up.

You need three things for that: You need a high degree of control over your own sexual response. You need a modality that provides enough of the right kind of stimulation to get you both to orgasm. You need a minute awareness of your partner’s level of arousal. In short, you need control, modality, and attention.

Control

This is the easiest of the three. If you read this section and think, “Dude, that sounds HARD!” perhaps the time is not yet ripe for you to pursue simultaneous orgasm. For everyone else, here’s what to do.

Gentlemen: Please teach yourself to maintain a high level of arousal without ejaculating. If you can stay pretty darn aroused for half an hour, that’s a good start. An hour is better.

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The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms Ladies: Please teach yourself to masturbate with your hands, efficiently and reliably. If you can come reliably in 20 minutes, that’s great.

Modality

Let’s say there are two primary modalities for simultaneous orgasm. There are more, of course, but let’s simplify a bit:

Penetration. If you’re one of the 25 to 30% of women who are reliably orgasmic from penetration, this will be a little simpler for you. If you are instead in the majority of women, we need to find a way to add clitoral stimulation to your intercourse. There are lots and lots of ways to do that:

* Your hand on your clit

* Your partner’s hand on your clit

* You holding a vibrator on your clit

* Your partner holding a vibrator on your clit

* Sandwiching a vibrator between your pubic bone and your partner’s pubic bone

* Angling penetration so that your partner’s pubic bone rocks against your clit (your partner on top) The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms 63

* Angling penetration so that your clit rocks against your partner’s pubic bone (you on top)

* Your partner straddling your thighs so you can cross your ankles and grip your thighs together during penetration

You may also find that adding anal stimulation gives that extra oomph you need to have an orgasm during penetration. Try a butt plug (just plant ’er gently in there and leave it be during intercourse) or have your partner use a finger on or in your ass during intercourse (this may require a long-armed or flexible partner).

All kinds of other stimulation can be useful too: Breast stimulation. Kissing. Hair touching/pulling/gripping, etc. Face and/or throat touching. And any number of psychological dynamics that might intensify the experience for you—pinning your partner down or allowing your partner to pin you down, fantasy and role play, a sexy venue… Be careful, though, that these add to your arousal without distracting you so much that you lose track of your partner’s arousal.

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The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms Sixty-nine. Mutual, simultaneous oral sex can potentially generate simultaneous orgasm. In some ways it might be easier: Women may be more orgasmic from oral sex, and fellatio in particular gives you a lot of information about your partner’s arousal level and lots of control over how aroused you let him get, so you can make sure he stays on pace with you.

The trick with 69 is that it’s difficult to split your attention between what you’re doing and what’s being done to you. This is less of a problem if what you’re doing is just about as arousing as what’s being done to you. In other words, it’s easier to have an orgasm during 69 if you’re as aroused by the sensations of your mouth on your partner’s genitals as you are by the sensation of your partner’s mouth on your genitals.

Begin practicing experiencing your partner’s genitals in your mouth, and his or her body’s responses to that, as part of your own arousal.

Attention

I’ve left this for last because it’s potentially the most difficult.

A common barrier to all orgasm challenges is mindfulness, paying attention to what’s happening in your The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms 65

body to the exclusion of anything else. That means not thinking about your fat, your kids, your to-do list, your boss (except under sexy circumstances), or your car while having sex. You just want to think about sex.

Attention is even more difficult during simultaneous orgasms because you have to pay attention to both your own and your partner’s arousal. You have to pay all the necessary attention to yourself to get yourself to orgasm, AND you have to monitor your partner’s arousal, to get the timing right.

The people who find simultaneous orgasm easiest are probably people who find their partner’s arousal level to be highly, highly stimulating.

Fortunately, this is learnable. Practice paying attention to your partner’s arousal level and experiencing it as a part of your own arousal. Imagine what it might feel like to be in his or her skin, what he or she must be feeling. Allow your partner’s arousal to feed and merge with your own arousal.

At this point, we get into the psychological part of it. At this point, you begin to shed the “my body/his body”

dichotomy. At this point, you begin experiencing his or her skin as your skin—you feel both the firm softness 66

The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms of your partner’s abdomen under your hand and the warm pressure of your hand as he or she is experiencing it.

You live in two bodies at once. You feel with two bodies at once.

This is majorly advanced empathy. Most of us have experienced it at some point. Some of us experience it regularly, but most people have to work at it. It’s worth the effort.

It’s good for you, this body empathy, like vegetables and jogging and eight glasses of water a day. But more than that, it’s enriching, like a Jackson Pollack painting viewed with your nose four inches from the canvas, like Mozart, like a brand new idea. It’s good for you.