GONE - Part Two (The GONE Series Book 2) (4 page)

"I can still help you and Kayla with whatever you need." I nod towards the bedroom of the small apartment I've rented in Murray Hill. "I mean I want to volunteer my time to help you."

"You don't have to do that, Lil." Ben heaves the heavy suitcase he's carried up three flights of stairs over his shoulder. "Your clothes weigh a fucking ton."

I throw my head back in laughter. "They do not. You're not as strong as you think you are."

He stops to toss me a stern grimace. "That's not possible."

I mutter under my breath about how he needs to work out as I follow him down the short hallway to the bedroom. "I've wanted to talk to you about something since I got to New York."

"Do you want me to help you put some of this stuff away?" He nods towards the two suitcases that have been holding all of my worldly possessions since I left Rebecca's apartment. "Or do you want to handle that yourself?"

It's a kind gesture that speaks of the vaguely familial relationship that we share. After inadvertently modeling most of my underwear collection to Clive Parker, I'm trying to keep it under wraps. The thought of Ben seeing anything personal of mine creates an instant knot in the pit of my stomach.  "I'll put it all away later. Can you sit and talk for a bit?"

"Sure, Lil." He pulls on the bottom of the white t-shirt he's wearing before he sits on the edge of the bed. "You look worried. Did something happen?"

It's the doctor part of him talking. Ever since I first met Ben he's worn the same look of concern on his face whenever his inner instinct tells him that I'm struggling with what happened to my family. When he initially suggested that we spend time as friends outside of the grief counseling group, I was hesitant. I had shut myself off from the entire world. I rarely spoke to my maternal grandmother who took me into her home even though she could barely stand straight under the weight of her own grief.

I settle on the bed next to him, reaching to grab his hand. It's not the closeness that I crave but the stability.

"Lil." He pushes my hair behind my ear. "I can tell something isn't right. You have to tell me."

I glance up at his face seeing the broken man who confessed to me years ago that he felt it was his fault that his mother had died. Even though he was only a teenager when she had passed, he felt the need to shoulder the blame based on the fact that he hadn't checked the connections on her oxygen tank. She had drifted into death while he was in a guest house with a girl. Her death may have lacked the violence of my family's but the pain of her loss is just as deeply felt by him as my loss is felt by me. "It's time, Ben."

He glances down at my hand. I should expand on my words but I know there isn't a need to. He's been pushing me to take this step for years and each time I've gotten close, the part of me that can't completely let go of my mother and my siblings, pushes me back into myself. I've been clinging to this one part of my past because once I do let it go; I have to face the fact that my history is completely untethered. There won't be a place I can go to anymore. I'll have to make decisions that I haven't felt equipped to make until now.

"You've had a lot of change recently." He taps his finger on the plain white blanket that is spread across the bed. "Do you think this is the best time?"

I doubt if there will ever be a best time to sell the home that my family lived and died in. "I need to do it now."

"Why now?"

It's not the response I thought I'd get. Judging by the past and all the countless times that Ben pushed me to sell, I assumed he'd almost be jumping for joy. He's made it clear to me that he felt that keeping the house was hindering my ability to move forward. I've never viewed it that way.

"I'm building a new life for myself," I say it with all the conviction I feel inside. "I can't do that if it's still part of who I am."

He studies my face carefully. "I'm proud of you."
I smile at the words. I'm proud of myself too. Coming to this decision hasn't been easy but once I landed the job at Corteck and moved to New York I knew that it was time for me to face my past and put it and the people I loved most in the world to rest.  "That means everything to me, Ben."

"I have a friend who works in real estate on Long Island." He straightens his long legs to pull his smartphone from the front pocket of his jeans. "I can call him and we'll get the ball rolling."

It's only one part of the puzzle. "I have to go there to pack up their things."

"Kayla and I will go with you." He pats his hand over my knee. "We won't let you do it alone."

I know they won't. I'm grateful for that. If I'm going to move forward in my life, this is the first, and most important, step I have to take.

"Whatever Hughes is paying for you, I'll double it."

No, it's not Clive Parker saying those words to me, unless he has some odd strain of strep throat that's made him sound like a woman. It's Rowan, Clive's assistant. I'm standing in line at the sandwich shop across the street from my new office waiting to pick up my lunch. The fact that I'm blocks away from Corteck's headquarters shouldn't have given me the sense of ease that I've been feeling. It was inevitable that I'd run into someone who works there.

"How do you know I work at Hughes Enterprises?" I spin around on my heel.

She gestures with her hand towards the identification badge that's hanging from a lanyard around my neck. "I saw that when you walked in, Lilly."

My overly active imagination was convinced, for a very brief second, that she knew about my new place of employment because of one of those corporate spies that Clive is so paranoid of. "Right," I offer back out of a sense of embarrassment.

"I'm serious. I'll double what you're being paid now if you come back to Corteck."

I want to be buoyed by her words. The career driven part of me would love to believe that she's desperate to have me back at Corteck because they value my programming and developing skills. I know that's not the basis of her offer though. It has to be coming out of her sense of loyalty to Clive. "Why would you offer me that?"

I can tell that she's surprised by how bold my question is. Acting naïve might have played a part in my landing a job there in the first place, but I'm done with that now.  All of Clive's cards are on the table right next to mine. I know his motivations and I'm convinced that her offer has more to do with his desperate need to win than anything else.

"You're a bright talent, Lilly." She looks past my shoulder as she says the words. "Clive and I both feel your future is at Corteck. We have a lot to offer you."

The only thing they can offer me is years of worrying about my personal files being compromised. I have no desire to step back into an environment in which my ideas are never truly my own. "I have a question."

"Sure." Her gaze finally settles on my face. "What is it?"

I see a flash of compassion there and I have to wonder whether Clive filled in the blanks about why I left.  "Mr. Parker took it upon himself to look at some of the private files on my personal computer when I was working for him and I'm wondering if he kept a copy of those."

Her eyes dart down to my laptop bag which I've strung over my right shoulder. Since Clive told me he went through it, I've kept it as close to me as I can. I felt a profound sense of relief when I realized that I wouldn’t have to grant access to my computer to anyone at Hughes Enterprises. Lance, Alec's assistant, had reiterated the fact that my life outside the office was my own.

"I didn't know about that." Her voice cracks as she says the words softly. "I'll ask Clive about that if you want me to."

"I'd appreciate that and if he has a copy, I'd like it since I'm not working for you anymore."

"Of course." Her hand jumps to my wrist. "I'm sorry, Lilly. I had no idea."

I can't tell whether she's being sincere or not. I don't bother to stick around to find out. I pull my hand free of hers as I brush past her and walk through the door and onto the crowded sidewalk.

The faint knock of my apartment door pulls me up from the comfort of my bed. It's just past seven. I'd fallen between the covers right after I got home. Seeing Rowan earlier had thrown me emotionally into a tailspin. I hadn't considered the notion that Clive may have kept a copy of my files until I heard myself explaining his actions to one of his closest associates. The emotional burden of that had pulled on every corner of me while I tried to power through my work this afternoon. By the time I got onto the subway, I was ready to sleep the night away.

The knock is louder the second time and I know that all I need to do to chase Ben away is send him a quick text telling him that I'm not feeling well enough to talk about the sale of my family home. The realtor he'd asked to handle the listing had come up with a fair asking price. All that was left was for me to go there to pack up all of the pictures, toys and mementos that symbolized the end of the lives of the people I loved. Putting off the inevitable isn't going to change what needs to be done. I'm the one who asked him if he had time to stop by to talk so I push open the dead bolt lock before I twist the door handle in my hand.

"Lilly." Clive is standing in front of me as I swing the door wide open. "You're here."

He took my words from me before I had a chance to say them. "I live here."

"I know."

"Why are you here?" I know the customary thing to say would be to invite him in. I don't want that. I want Ben to appear behind Clive for moral support.

"Can I come in?" His gaze darts behind me to the barren space that will eventually be my living room. Right now, all that is there is the one armchair and side table that the landlord believes justifies the furnished apartment rate he's charging me for.

"I'm expecting someone." I move to look past his shoulder towards the staircase that leads up to the third floor. I don't see Ben even though it's more than thirty minutes after he promised he'd be here. Having an emergency room doctor as your only friend comes with a lot of concessions including spur of the moment cancellations.

"I'll leave when she gets here."

I don't correct him because it's none of his business who I'm expecting. "Fine," I spit out through clenched teeth.

He turns on his heel the moment I close the door behind him. "Rowan told me that she saw you today."

"That's why you're here." I don't present it as a question because it's not worth wasting my time trying to gain insight into what he discussed with her. "How do you know where I live?"

He scratches his head right above his ear. "You called the doorman at Rebecca's building yesterday to get your mail forwarded here."
"Why would the doorman tell you that?" I push my back into the door. I wish I would have left it open. My apartment feels too small and confined for the two of us.

"He didn't tell me that." He pushes his hands into the pockets of his pants. "He told Rebecca. She was standing in the lobby when you called."

I had debated that decision over and over in my mind, before finally deciding that I had no choice. I thought I'd live with Rebecca for at least several months so I'd given her address to all the companies I still have to deal with regarding my parent's house. I couldn't have known that when I called the doorman there to ask him to send me the mail I hadn't collected yet, that he'd share all those details with my former roommate.

"Lilly." His eyes dart around the empty space. "Would you like to go somewhere else to talk? I'd prefer to sit down."

I feel a surge of relief at the words. "There's a coffee shop across the street. I can meet you there."

He glances down at his wristwatch as he closes the space between us. "What about the person you're expecting? I can wait if you need to see her first."

I step out of his way, holding open the door to let him walk through. "I'll see my friend another time. I'll be down in ten minutes."

"How do you expect me to believe you?" I try to keep my voice at an even and controllable pitch. "You must have saved the files. I don't believe that you walked away from my laptop without saving a copy of them."

He hangs his head in his hands. "I didn't save the files, Lilly."
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I clench my hands tightly together before pulling them into my lap.

His finger traces a trail around the lid of the paper coffee cup sitting on the table in front of him. "I'm not going to lie to you. Ask me anything. I won't lie."

I stare at the untouched cup of coffee he bought for me. I have a million questions for him but not one of them seems relevant now. I've moved on from what happened in his office and in his bed. I'm forging ahead with a new life for myself that includes an apartment and a job I never realized I wanted. Delving back into why he did anything doesn't carry any weight in the world I'm living in now. "I don't want to ask you anything, Clive. I just want your assurance that you didn't save anything you saw on my computer."

"I told you that I didn't go to Rebecca's apartment with the intention of looking at your computer. It just happened."

"It just happened?" I parrot back. "Just like when you called me to your office during the mixer and touched me? That just happened too, right?"

"No." His eyes catch mine over the table. "I planned that. I wanted you."

I don't know what compelled me to bring up that moment of intimacy. I feel embarrassed that I took as much pleasure from him as I did. I was so unashamed and raw when he touched me. I came while pressed against a window, my desire unfettered and exposed.  He helped me discover passion that I never knew I had within me and it was all in pursuit of his desperate need to uncover my secrets. He's a master of manipulation whether he admits it or not.

"I still want you, Lilly." His words feel loud and misplaced in the small, almost vacant coffee shop we're sitting in.

I laugh out of a desperate need to not let any of my other emotions rise to the surface. The man violated me in a way that shook me to my core, yet hearing him say he still wants me throws me completely off balance. I can't judge whether he's telling me the truth or not because I don't know him. "I don't know how you expect me to believe you, Clive."

"Let me prove it to you." His jaw twitches. "I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I want you, Lilly."

"Even if you could prove that you still want me," I start within a whisper. "I would never be able to trust you again."

"I fucked up." He exhales sharply. "I didn't plan on looking at your computer. I saw it sitting there and thought about Parker and I had to know."

"Parker?" I try to ask in an even tone. "What the hell does he have to do with this?"

"I hate that Parker saw that picture of you and read that letter you wrote about sucking my…sucking his…" He visibly winces with the statement. "I can't fucking stand that he saw your body and read those words."

We haven't talked about Parker in weeks. I didn't consider him a relevant part of our relationship. He was the reason we met, but beyond that he is nothing to me, and judging by the fact that Clive had sent him across the globe with a one way ticket, I imagine he feels the same way about his brother as I do. "Why are you bringing up Parker?"

"I was worried there were more like him." He breathes out, closing his eyes briefly. "After we fucked, I couldn't stand the thought of another man seeing your body or touching you. I looked at your laptop to see if you had any pictures of other men or if you were emailing anyone like Parker."

He could be making all of this up to cover his tracks. He has no shortage of women waiting in the wings to jump all over him. Even the barista, behind the counter in this tiny coffee shop, has been eyeing him up since I sat down. "You don't strike me as the jealous type, Clive. You sleep with a different woman every week."

He sags back into the chair. I sense the words sting but they're the truth. He wants me to believe that he was so worried that I'd sleep with another man that he decided to go through my computer? The mere fact that his fishing expedition ended with him viewing the files related to the organ donation app I'm developing prove that he was went above and beyond looking at my saved pictures and emails. The man was on a mission to find something to throw in my face and he did.

"I haven't slept with a woman since I saw you at the bistro." His voice deepens. "I have no desire to fuck anyone else. I want to be with you, Lilly. You're going to tell me how I can make that happen."