Gone (39 page)

He knew she was scared about what might happen to her and Ben. She’d been crying as she left Ben at the hospital. Apparently he’d been telling the truth when he said it was just him who’d buried Jenny. He’d put Emma on a bus and gone back to the house alone. Adam had to admit he’d felt relieved when he’d heard that. It was enough dealing with her being someone else. He didn’t think he could cope with the thought of her digging graves too. Ben had told the police Emma hadn’t been involved and no matter how much she argued, Ben was determined to take the blame. He wanted Emma to move on. To finally find the happiness she’d been looking for. Whereas he seemed to be needing the punishment, to finally be at peace with what he’d done. Though he felt sorry for Ben, Adam hoped that Emma would accept his plan. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her again.

Whether she was Louise or Emma, it didn’t matter to him. He loved her. He put his hand on hers and she turned to him. ‘I just want you to know that whatever happens, I’m going to be there for you,’ he said and Emma frowned. ‘I don’t want to lose you and I don’t care what happened in the past. I love you. I don’t want this to be over.’

Emma smiled at him. ‘Neither do I,’ she said and leaned over to kiss him. ‘I thought you’d want out.’

‘Never,’ he said.

‘But all the lies I told you. I got you hurt,’ she said, brushing her fingers across his face.

‘I don’t care,’ he said. ‘I want to be with you, whoever you are.’

She smiled again and looked back at the house. ‘Will you come in with me?’ she asked and he nodded.

They knocked on the door and Emma squeezed his hand as they waited. The door opened and her dad stood there and looked at Adam first before shifting his eyes to Emma. She smiled at him. ‘Hello, Dad,’ she said and he grinned at her, throwing his arms around her.

‘Come in, come in,’ he said and let them past. ‘I was just about to have some tea. You should’ve used your key, pet.’ He closed the door. ‘So this must be your new fella, then,’ he said and reached for Adam’s hand. ‘I hope you’re taking care of my girl.’

‘I’m trying,’ Adam told him, and her dad threw his arms around Emma again.

‘I’ve missed you, Em.’

Emma hung on to her dad and Adam smiled at her. ‘I’ll get the tea,’ said Ray and shuffled into the kitchen. Adam took her hand. A tear rolled down Emma’s face as her dad talked to her about the weather.

She was going to be okay. Some things are meant to be forgiven.

Chapter 99

23 December 2010

Gardner parked the car and sat watching the station. He’d only been there a week before but it felt like the past was staring down at him. He didn’t know why he’d come back again. He’d been thinking about what Freeman had said and managed to convince himself that she was right. But now he was having second thoughts. Maybe third thoughts. He should’ve stayed at home.

Gardner watched people come in and out of the station, none of whom he recognised. He wondered how many people he knew were still in there, how many he would have to face when he walked in. Of course McIlroy was still there, though God only knew how. He hadn’t been any good at his job back then, and he seriously doubted the tubby bastard had got any better over the years.

He watched the clock on the dashboard change from 10:28 to 10:29. He promised himself he’d go in when it got to thirty. Or he could just turn around and go home. He could go back and face the music with Lawton instead. He’d apologised profusely for not getting to her party and she’d said it was fine but it clearly wasn’t. She obviously thought he’d had no intention of going and maybe she was right. She’d thawed somewhat when he gave her the gift he’d bought – he’d finally settled on a scarf. But he still wasn’t totally forgiven. She still hadn’t made him any coffee.

He checked the clock again: 10:30. ‘All right,’ he muttered to himself and got out of the car, walking slowly to the old brick building.

It still had the same musty smell and peeling paint, and the faces had the same look of resignation even though they were different people. He walked towards the offices he used to sit in, that once upon a time he had a laugh in and had mates in. The walk was easy, as if he were just going in for a normal day of work. Someone held the door open for him, maybe mistaking him for someone else, someone who was meant to be there.

He stopped in the doorway and looked across the room but no one looked up. Phones rang at both ends of the office, people swung on chairs while they were on hold; the sound of fingers on keyboards was different, hardly anyone typed with one finger any more. He looked across to his old desk. Some bald guy he’d never seen before was sitting there, scribbling something down, his face creased with concentration.

‘Hi.’

Gardner turned around and saw Freeman standing there with a pile of folders under her arm and a cup of coffee in her hand.

‘Hi,’ Gardner said.

Freeman beckoned him to follow her and walked to her desk. She pulled up another chair from the desk behind her. ‘What can I do for you?’ she asked.

Gardner took another look around the office before sitting. There was no one he knew and he felt a little relieved. Facing your demons is easier when they’re not around.

‘I thought about what you said. About going to see Heather Wallace. I was wondering if you’d come with me.’ Freeman looked surprised. ‘You think I should go alone?’ he said.

‘Probably. But I’ll meet you for a drink afterwards. You can tell me how it went.’

Gardner agreed to call her and walked back out into the corridor. Coming towards him was Adrian Hingham, who’d still been a green PC when Gardner knew him but was now wearing a flashy suit. He remembered Hingham working with Wallace on a number of occasions and felt his fists ball up as he approached.

‘Michael Gardner,’ Hingham said and extended his hand. ‘I heard you’d been hanging around the place. How you doing?’

Gardner shook his hand and tried not to look as surprised as he felt. ‘I’m good. How are you? Clearly making too much money,’ he said, nodding at the suit.

‘Yeah, I’ve made it all the way up to the dizzy heights of DC. The suit was a gift from the missus. She thinks my taste in clothes is appalling,’ he said with a grin. ‘Anyway, I’d better run. But it was good to see you.’

Hingham trotted off down the corridor while Gardner thought maybe he’d killed another demon. Maybe seeing Heather Wallace wouldn’t be so bad. Or maybe he was pushing his luck.

He got in his car and drove towards the big house Heather had lived in with her mother. Heather would be what, twenty-three, twenty-four now? She probably didn’t live there any more. Maybe her mother didn’t even live there any more. He pulled up across the street and looked at the house. There was a car on the drive so
someone
was there. He sat watching for a while and then made a deal with himself. He’d go and knock and if she was there, he’d talk to her. If she wasn’t, he’d drive home and forget about it. Let sleeping dogs lie. He crossed the road and knocked on the door.

A tall, skinny woman with red hair opened the door and Gardner wanted to turn and run. He knew it was her; she didn’t look any different except for being taller and happier than the last time he’d seen her.

‘Yes?’ Heather said and smiled at him. For a moment he contemplated asking if she was happy with her electricity supplier or if she wanted to let God into her life.

‘Heather Wallace?’ he asked and she nodded, the smile fading slightly. ‘I’m Michael Gardner,’ he said. ‘I’m a police officer, I—’

‘I know who you are,’ she cut him off. The smile had gone completely and her arms were folded across her chest.

‘Right,’ he said. ‘I was just . . . I’ve been working on a case with the local police and I wanted to come and . . .’ What? What did he want? She just stared at him, waiting for his point. ‘I just wanted to see that you were all right and to tell you I was sorry about your dad. I never got to tell you at the time but I
am
sorry about what happened.’ He waited for her to speak but she didn’t, she just stood staring at him and he couldn’t stop talking and suddenly he knew how it felt to be one of his suspects. ‘I never wanted that to happen and if I could change it I would. I really would. I just wanted you to know that—’

‘What do you want me to say?’ Heather snapped. ‘That I forgive you?’

‘No. I just—’

‘Because I don’t,’ she said and slammed the door. Gardner stood there on the doorstep and felt like he’d been punched in the gut. His hands were shaking. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. As he turned to walk away he tripped on a waving snowman ornament, knocking it onto its side. It wished him a merry Christmas.

As he climbed into the car he could hear a ringing in his ears. He shouldn’t have come. For her sake as much as his own. He shouldn’t have come. Some things just aren’t meant to be forgiven.

Chapter 100

23 December 2010

Gardner spotted her sitting in the corner, looking out of place amongst the Christmas revellers. She nodded in his direction and he noticed she’d already got the drinks in.

‘Got you a Coke,’ she said as he walked over.

‘I could do with something stronger,’ he said and sat down, throwing his coat on the seat beside him.

‘Well, unless you’re going to spend the night with me, you’ve still got to drive home.’ Gardner raised an eyebrow and Freeman shrugged and pushed the pint glass towards him. He raised it in a half-hearted toast. ‘So?’ she asked. ‘How did it go?’

‘About as well as could be expected,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have gone. Especially now. Christmas.’

‘So there was no goodwill towards men? It was worth a try.’

‘Was it? I feel worse than I did before. It’s the last time I take advice from you.’

Freeman tried to smile over her glass of Coke. ‘Well, I’m the last person to be handing out advice.’ She looked away, towards a group of men and women shrieking and giggling by the bar, probably on a work Christmas party.

‘Shit, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have come up here moaning about my own crap.’

Freeman shook her head. ‘It’s fine. It’s done now.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I’m not,’ she said and started tearing up a beer mat.

‘Did the father go with you?’

Freeman laughed. ‘The father,’ she said. ‘Fat lot of good he’d be.’ She threw the bits of cardboard across the table. ‘Anyway, I didn’t tell him.’

‘He’s out of the picture?’

‘He is now. We broke up before I found out.’

‘Oh.’

‘Oh, what? Don’t look at me like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘With that judgey face. Brian was a dick. He cheated on me.’

‘But still,’ Gardner said, then regretted getting into the conversation as Freeman sat up straight like she was ready to fight.

‘You think I was wrong. That I should’ve told him. That I’m a total bitch for not letting him have any input.’

‘Woah. How did we get to that?’ Gardner held up his hands. ‘Let’s just drop it. I don’t think anything. It’s none of my business.’

‘You’re right. It’s not.’

They sat in silence for a while and Gardner finished his drink. He wondered whether he should just go. His people skills had done him proud once more. He tapped the edge of the table and tried to judge whether it was safe to speak.

‘I’d already made up my mind and anything Brian said wasn’t going to change that. So what would have been the point?’

Gardner got the feeling she wasn’t arguing any more. From the time he’d spent with Freeman he gathered she wasn’t some shrinking violet. Didn’t need anyone to back her up, to validate her. But whatever front she was putting on now, clearly the decision hadn’t been easy. He knew that. He’d been there. Last year of university with the first girl he’d been in love with. Holly Hughes. She’d told him ten minutes before a lecture before bursting into tears and running off. He’d sat there listening to some drivel about Shakespeare and wondered what the hell he was going to do, whether his life was over. And more to the point, how the hell he was going to tell his mum that he’d knocked up some girl she’d never even met. By the end of the lecture he’d decided that it was going to be fine. Good, even. He didn’t have a clue what else he was going to do with his life after uni, so why not be a dad? Unfortunately, Holly had other plans. She
did
know what she was going to do with her life after uni, and it didn’t involve kids. She made all the arrangements herself. All he had to do was borrow a mate’s car to drive her to the hospital and that was it. She’d made her decision.