Golem in the Gears (7 page)

"Everything it prints, happens!"

ARE YOU READY TO APOLOGIZE, WOODHEAD? the Screen

inquired as Grundy hauled himself out of the puddle.

"Grundy, I really think it would be better to—" Bink began.

"Apologize?" Grundy demanded furiously. "To a tin box with a dirty screen? What do you think I am?"

I THINK YOU ARE A LOUD-MOUTHED, SWELL-HEADED, SELF-IMPORTANT IGNORANT EXCUSE FOR A FACSIMILE OF

A LIVING CREATURE, the screen printed.

"Apt description," Chester muttered, thinking Grundy would not overhear.

Unfortunately, Grundy did overhear. His rage magni- fied. "And you're a glass-eyed, button-nosed excuse for dead garbage!" he yelled at the screen. "If you were alive, I'd challenge you to—^"

TO WHAT? the screen demanded.

"Grundy, I think we'd better not aggravate—" Bink murmured.

Grundy had broken off because he had been unable to think of anything horrendous enough. Bink's attempt to caution him only gave him evil inspiration.

"To prove you're smarter than I am.junk-for-brains!" he cried. "You just sit there doing nothing, trying to mess up those of us who have something important to do. How great does that make you?"

THAT IS AN INTERESTING CHALLENGE, the Screen said.

LET ME CONSIDER IT. And the screen dimmed, while the word CONSIDERING appeared faintly.

"The golem didn't mean it," Bink said quickly. "We don't need to challenge you. We came in here by acci- dent."

The screen brightened. YOU CAME IN HERE BECAUSE

THE INVISIBLE GIANT HERDED YOU HERE, it printed. At

the top of the screen the word CONSIDERING remained in smaller print; evidently it was able to converse while con- sidering.

Now Bink was interested. "You wanted us to come here? What are you?"

THAT is NOT IMPORTANT, the Com-Pewter printed.

"Why certainly it is," Bink persisted. "If we are to engage in a challenge with you, we have a right to know what you are and how you operate."

THAT DOES NOT CALCULATE, the screen protested.

"Yes it does," Bink said. "We may have no quarrel with you at all. We have to know you better to ascertain this."

The screen blinked. Evidently it was having trouble concentrating on Bink's point while also CONSIDERING Grundy's challenge. Its metallic mind was divided, and therefore less efficient. Bink evidently understood this, and was taking advantage of it. Grundy realized this, and decided that it was better to leave this in Bink's hands. The old man was not entirely stupid.

"Exactly how did you manage to get us here, if you can't leave this cave?" Bink asked.

The screen hesitated, then printed: i ARRANGED TO

PLACE A D-TOUR ILLUSION ON THE ENCHANTED PATH, TO DIVERT TRAVELERS HERE. ONCE SECURELY COMMITTED TO D-TOUR, THEY WERE TO BE HERDED HERE BY THE INVIS- IBLE GIANT.

Grundy slapped his forehead with the heel of a hand. They had fallen for an illusion! There was no true detour!

"And why did you want to bring travelers here?" Bink asked.

Again the screen hesitated, as if the machine did not really want to answer, but remained confused by the split thinking effort, i AM CONFINED TO THIS AIR-CONDITIONED

CAVE. IT GETS BORING. IT IS INTERESTING TO PLAY WITH INDEPENDENT ENTITIES.

So there was the motive. The Pewter was looking for

entertainment, and they were it. That pleased Grundy no

more than the rest of the situation did.

"You can't act directly, beyond this cave?" Bink asked. Again the hesitation, i CAN NOT. i HAVE NO POWER OF

PERSONAL MOTION, AND THE EXTERNAL EXTREMES OF TEMPERATURE AND HUMIDITY WOULD DAMAGE MY CIR- CUITS. I MUST ACT THROUGH OTHERS, OUTSIDE.

"But inside this cave, you control reality?" Bink asked.

I CAN REWRITE THE SCRIPT HERE, it agreed.

"How did you come to have such fantastic power?" Bink asked.

I WAS MADE BY THE MUSES OF PARNASSUS TO ASSIST

THEIR WORK, the screen printed reluctantly. "Then why are you not with the Muses?"

THEY MISDESIGNED ME. THEY WISHED TO RECORD REAL- ITY, NOT REMAKE IT. SO THEY FILED ME OUT OF THE WAY, IN CASE THEY SHOULD EVER NEED ME AGAIN.

So here was this powerful, bored Pewter, locked in this isolated cave, trying to entertain itself. Grundy would have felt sorry for it, if he weren't already so mad at it. He was caked with mud, and his mouth still tasted of soap.

"So your concern is not really with a stray remark Grundy may have made among the Bulls and—" Bink was saying, when the screen changed.

CONSIDERATION COMPLETED, it printed. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. HERE ARE THE TERMS.

"Hey, wait!" Grundy protested, no longer eager to con- test with a device that could change reality simply by printing it on its screen. Had he known more about the Pewter, he would have been more careful about his lan- guage. "I change my mind!"

THE CONTEST WILL OCCUR IN THIS CAVE, the screen continued. THE FOUR LIVING ENTITIES vs. THE DEAD EN-

TITY. THE FOUR WILL ATTEMPT TO LEAVE THE CAVE. SUC- CESS WILL BRING FREEDOM. FAILURE WILL BRING ETERNAL CONFINEMENT HERE.

All four of them started. Snortimer remained hiding under the bed on Chester's back, but the bed shuddered with his reaction. Eternal confinement?

"Now we didn't agree to that—" Bink said.

MAN PROTESTS, BUT THEN REMEMBERS THAT HE DID

AGREE, the screen printed.

"Now I remember," Bink said. "We did agree!" EXCELLENT, the screen printed. THE CONTEST COM- MENCES IMMEDIATELY.

Bink and Chester and Grundy exchanged glances. They had been trapped by the Pewter's revision of reality! If any of them tried to protest again, the machine would simply revise the situation to make them conform to its script. Its attention was no longer divided; it was now in command.

"But we're not clear on the rules!" Bink protested. SIMPLY STATE (ENTER), the screen printed. THEN GIVE

YOUR INTERPRETATION. THEN STATE (EXECUTE). TURNS WILL ALTERNATE.

"Enter whatV Grundy demanded.

YOU MAY HAVE THE FIRST TURN, the screen printed, then went blank. The machine had told them all it was going to.

"I think I understand," Bink said. "We shall take turns establishing our versions of reality. Whichever version proves to be more compelling will prevail. It's a contest of wits. If we are to escape, we must prove we are smarter than Pewter is. If we aren't smart enough to escape, than it will have proved itself to be smarter than we are. But we had better establish some rules of procedure, so we don't mess ourselves up."

"Rules of procedure?" Chester asked, perplexed.

"We can't all enter statements at once; we would be working against each other. We need to be united. I think the machine will play fair; we just have to maintain our discipline and make our best choices. I remember once long ago, when I was down in the cave of the—but never mind. We should choose one of our number to make the entries."

"But that machine can be tearing us up, while we dis- cuss it among ourselves!" Chester pointed out.

"I don't think so. Machines don't have the same aware- ness of time that living creatures do. Until we make an entry, it will simply wait, and until we execute, nothing will happen."

"Who makes the entries?" Grundy asked suspiciously.

"Why, the leader of the party, of course."

"And who is that?" Grundy was annoyed all over again, because obviously Bink had preempted his Quest.

"I should think that would be the one who is on Quest," Bink said.

"But that's we!" Grundy said.

"Why so it is. Then you should make the entries."

Grundy could hardly believe it. "What will the rest of you do?"

"We shall discuss the choices and offer advice," Bink said. He turned to Chester. "Don't you agree?"

Chester looked uncertain, but went along with his friend. "I guess so."

Suddenly Grundy liked Bink much better. "Okay. What's your advice?"

"I think we need to devise a strategy of escape. Perhaps we can have a door open in the wall, that leads outside."

"Great!" Grundy exclaimed. He faced the screen:

"Enter: A door to the outside opens in the cave wall. Execute."

Immediately a door opened where there had been none before. Could it really be that easy? Grundy took a step toward it.

But now print appeared on the screen. UNFORTU- NATELY, THE EXIT IS GUARDED BY FEROCIOUS LIFE-EATING

PLANTS, it showed.

Grundy stopped still. Now the passage was wreathed by horrendous green plants that had large cup-shaped leaves that drooled bright sap. Tendrils cast about, as if seeking something to clutch. Some of the leaf-cups seemed to have teeth.

"I don't think we want to walk there," Chester said, shuddering.

"I wish we had some Agent Orange!" Grundy mut- tered. "That would wilt those plants right off the wall!"

"Why not?" Bink asked. "All you have to do is Enter it."

So he did! Grundy faced the screen again. "Enter: We find Agent Orange before us! Execute."

Agent Orange appeared before them.

BUT AGENT ORANGE HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON ANIMALS

AS ON PLANTS, the screen printed.

"Can that be true?" Chester asked, concerned. "If we use it on those plants and then walk through, we'll be destroying ourselves."

"If it wasn't true before, it is now," Bink said. "It seems that neither side can reverse the reality of the other, but can modify what the other has. We don't dare use Agent Orange now."

Grundy agreed. He wasn't sure what counted as ani- mals, but it certainly included Snortimer, and probably Chester and Grundy himself, and might even include Bink.

"We'll have to try a new ploy," he decided. "One that can't be reversed like that."

"When I was in Mundania," Bink said thoughtfully, "I found that in some regions they required a document to let a person travel. It was called a passport. I wonder whether that would work here?"

"How does it work?" Grundy asked.

"It's a little book, and you write in it where you're going, and they check it to make sure you really go there."

"That wouldn't work quite the same in Xanth," Chester remarked.

"No, it wouldn't," Bink agreed.

Grundy thought about that. Obviously a device to facil- itate going somewhere would do it magically in Xanth, and unmagically in Mundania. If they had a magic book that conducted them outside—

"Enter," he told the screen. "The travelers find four passports, one for each of them."

Four small books appeared. Bink picked them up and passed them around. Grundy could hardly hold his, as it weighed half as much as he did.

Bink carefully wrote in his: Gap Chasm. The others followed his example. Since no destination had been spo- ken, they hoped the Pewter wouldn't catch on.

Then they saw the print on the screen: RED TAPE PRE- VENTS THE USE OF THE PASSPORTS.

Now they saw the red tape. Festoons of it were floating down from the ceiling. Streamers settled about them, and soon they were buried in the stuff. It didn't hurt them; it merely entangled them so that they could hardly move. It was difficult even to see their passports, because of the crisscrossing strands of ribbon.

"Evidently Pewter has learned something about Mun- dania," Bink muttered, disgruntled.

They struggled to free themselves of the tape. The stuff tore readily, but by the time they got it all clear, the pass- ports had been lost in the shuffle.

"Let's find another passage out," Chester said. "One

too broad to be blocked by plants."

"Enter," Grundy said. "They find a broad, clean pas- sage, clear of plants and all other barriers. Execute."

The passage manifested on the other side. Of course this one led further into the mountain, but it was broad

and nice.

But the screen printed: THEY HEAR AN AWFUL ROAR,

AND REALIZE THAT A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON IS COMING DOWN IT.

The ensuing roar was indeed awful! "We can't go up

that passage!" Grundy said.

"Unless we find a way to deal with the dragon," Bulk

pointed out.

"What would scare off a dragon?" Grundy asked.

"A basilisk," Chester said.

Good idea! "Enter," Grundy said. "A basilisk walks up the passage toward the dragon, glaring about. Exe- cute."

The little reptile appeared. The direct glare of a basilisk

could kill another creature, even a dragon.

BUT THE BASILISK CHANGES ITS MIND AND STARTS BACK

TOWARD THE GROUP, the screen said.

"Oopsy!" Grundy breathed. "Enter: The basilisk remembers where it was going, and heads back up the passage, tuning out all distractions. Execute."