Going, Going, Gone! With the Pain and the Great One (4 page)

The Gravitron started turning, slowly at first, then faster and faster, until it was whirling. The flashing lights blurred into a hundred colors. The music played louder and louder.

I wondered what it was like inside. I wondered why I was scared to try it but the Pain wasn’t. He’s afraid of the ocean and I’m not. He still sleeps with his stuffed elephant. He gets carsick! He’s probably going to get sick from the Gravitron, too. They’ll probably have to carry him out.

Eighty seconds later the Gravitron slowed down. Then it came to a stop. The teenagers piled out. Some of them were laughing like crazy. Some of them lined up to go again. One girl was crying. The Pain was smiling. But not Rick.
Rick’s face was pale. He was holding his chest. “Rick!” Aunt Diana cried. “Are you all right?”

Rick sat down on a bench. “Just give me a minute.” He took some deep breaths. Aunt Diana handed him her water bottle. He took a long drink. “Do you know what it’s like in there?”

“I’ve no idea,” Aunt Diana said.

“Believe me,” Rick said. “You don’t want to know.”

I pulled the Pain aside. “What was it like?”

“It was an
extravaganza
!” He jumped up and down.

“And you didn’t get sick?” I asked.

“Why would I get sick?”

Then Aunt Diana called, “Jake, come over here.”

I followed him over to Aunt Diana. The baby clapped when he saw us.

Aunt Diana said, “Jake … don’t you have something to say to Rick?”

At first the Pain didn’t know what he was supposed to say. I could tell by the look on his face. Then he started smiling and dancing all around. “Hey, Rick …” he called. “Want to go again?”

THE FURRY BOOGER

We have a pussy willow tree behind our house. Justin and Dylan came over after school today and the three of us picked pussy willows. We took off our shoes and socks and stuck pussy willows between our toes. They felt soft and tickly. We tried walking around without losing them. Then Dylan picked another pussy willow. “Watch this!” he said, and this time he stuck it up his nose.

Justin said, “Don’t do that!”

“Why not?” Dylan asked. “I can blow it out any time I want.” He held his other nostril shut and blew until the pussy willow came flying out.

That made us laugh.

“See? I told you,” he said. He picked another pussy willow and stuck it up his other nostril.

So I picked a pussy willow and stuck it up my nose.

“Come on, Justin …” Dylan said.

“Oh … okay,” Justin said. And he did it too.

We decided to have a contest to see who could blow their pussy willow the farthest. We made a line with a couple of sticks and stood behind it. Then all three of us blew at once. Dylan’s pussy willow flew out and landed on the other side of our line. Justin’s came out, but it just dropped to the ground and lay there next to his foot. I blew and blew but nothing happened.

“Try again,” Dylan said.

So I did. Still nothing.

“Let me look,” Justin said. He looked up my nose, then shook his head. “I don’t see anything. Are you
sure
it didn’t come out?”

“I can feel it,” I said. “It’s like having a big furry booger up my nose.”

Dylan and Justin laughed. But I didn’t. Justin said, “Get your magnifying glass, Jake.”

“Can’t,” I told him. “I gave it to my sister.”

“Go ask your sister if we can borrow it,” Justin said.

“You come with me.”

So the three of us went inside and up to the Great One’s room. Fluzzy was curled up on her bed. He sat up when he heard us. The Great One was at her desk, cutting pictures out of a magazine.

“We need to borrow the magnifying glass,” I told her.

“What for?” she said.

“We have to study something.” I looked at Justin and Dylan. They nodded.

“What?” she asked. “What do you have to study?”

“We need to study a pussy willow,” I told her.

She slid open her desk drawer and took out the magnifying glass. “Give it to me.”

That made Dylan and Justin laugh.

The Great One looked over at them. “What’s so funny?”

Dylan covered his mouth and Justin looked up at the ceiling.

“I don’t have all day,” she said. “I’m a very busy person. So either hand over the pussy willow or go away.”

“It’s in a … in a …” I started to say.

“In a
what
?” She looked at me. Now she was really interested.

“It’s in a private place,” I whispered.

“I’m not letting this magnifying glass out of my sight,” the Great One said. “If you
want to use it, you have to show me the pussy willow.”

Before I could say anything, Dylan blurted it out. “He can’t show you. It’s up his nose!”

“Your nose?” the Great One said, looking at me. “Ewww … that’s the most disgusting thing I ever heard! What’s it doing in there?”

“It’s stuck!” Justin called.

“You have a pussy willow stuck up your nose?” she asked me.

When I didn’t answer, she dashed into the hall calling, “Charlie … Charlie … come quick!”

Charlie is our babysitter. She’s on the track team at her college. In two seconds she was up the stairs, sweeping everything out of her way, including Justin and Dylan. “What’s the problem?”

“The Pain has a pussy willow stuck up his nose!” the Great One told her.

“What?” Charlie said, like she must have heard wrong.

“A pussy willow … stuck up his
nose!” the Great One repeated.

“Can you blow it out?” Charlie asked me.

“He tried,” Justin and Dylan said together.

“I tried,” I told Charlie.

Charlie flew back down the stairs. The rest of us followed. Fluzzy took a flying leap off the bed. Maybe he thought we were playing a game and he didn’t want to miss the fun. Only
I
knew it wasn’t going to be any fun. Not for me.

In the kitchen Charlie whipped out Mom’s emergency book, the one with all the numbers and lists. She called Dr. Bender’s office and told them I had a pussy willow stuck up my nose. Then she listened. When she hung up, she said, “Dr. Bender’s not in the office today. His nurse said we should go straight to the ER.”

“That means emergency room!” Justin sang. He sounded excited. Like we were going to a magic show.

“I went to the emergency room once,”
Dylan said. “When I broke my foot.” He sounded like he was going to the same show.

“And that’s where I got my stitches!” The Great One pulled up one leg of her jeans and showed us her scar. “Fourteen of them,” she said proudly, like it was the most fun she ever had.

“I don’t want to go to the emergency room!” I told them.

“You should have thought of that before you shoved a pussy willow up your nose,” the Great One said.

“I need Mom,” I told Charlie.

“I’m calling her cell right now,” Charlie said.

But Mom didn’t pick up, so Charlie left a message.

“I need Bruno,” I said, heading upstairs.

At the ER we waited. We waited and waited and waited. Babies cried. People coughed. Somebody moaned. The Great One played Go Fish with Justin and Dylan. I leaned
against Charlie and said, “Where’s Mom?”

“She’s on her way.”

“When will she be here?”

“Before it’s your turn.”

But then it
was
my turn and Mom still wasn’t there.

They put me on a table with wheels and pulled white curtains all around. Charlie
came inside the curtains. The Great One followed her. Justin and Dylan stood outside, peeking in.

The doctor wore blue scrubs with a white coat over them. She had a stethoscope around her neck. “I’m Dr. Itchee,” she said.

“That’s a funny name,” I said.

She stuck a thermometer in my ear.

“I don’t have a fever,” I told her.

“It’s routine,” she said. Next she grabbed one of those doctor sticks. “Open your mouth and say ‘aaah.’”

“I don’t have a sore throat,” I told her.

“It’s routine,” she said. Then she put the ends of her stethoscope in her ears. “Now let’s have a listen.”

I started to say, “And I don’t have a …” but she said, “Shhh….”

After that she wanted to feel my belly. I felt like shouting,
The pussy willow is up my nose!
But I didn’t. Instead, I told Charlie, “I want my mom.”