Going Down in La-La Land (31 page)

I had heard that Ron Jeremy never misses a chance to ham it up in front of the camera in a mainstream project, and craves a successful legitimate acting career more than anything else in the world. Evidently
The Voyeur
was no exception.

When it came time for my scene we had to rehearse it a few times and get the blocking straight. I was to enter and interrupt the two leads at just the right beat. The first time I did it was ridiculous and I had no idea what I was doing, popping out of nowhere like a gay wizard. After a few more rehearsals we finally got the timing down. In between these run-throughs and the actual take, Mitch took me aside and quietly told me, “Just make sure you are careful when you approach the lead. He doesn’t want to be touched.”

I looked at Mitch like he must be kidding.

“
I haven’t touched him at all,” I responded point-blank.

I’m not an oblivious person, or some yokel who never left the farm. I could tell this big “star” had issues. I wanted nothing more than to perform well and get on with my business. Please. It sounded as if it was all part of my diabolical plan to make a pass at the guy. Give me a fucking break. This was exactly the sort of ego bullshit I despised.

“
Why, was he bitching about me doing that?” I asked incredulously, and frankly, pissed off.

“
No, don’t worry about it. He’s just sensitive about it, that’s all,” Mitch said, quick to change the subject, not wanting it to become an issue. He rolled his eyes as if to tell me he had dealt with the same crap from him on previous occasions.

Apparently Mitch and Perry had to work hard to keep their star happy. I guess his insecurity about taking on this scandalous role escalated in the past few weeks, from worrying about bathing suits to becoming paranoid about other actors getting too close. Never mind the fact he simulated anal sex with me the last time we saw each other. Evidently he lost respect for me when he found out I had appeared in actual porn flicks. Or maybe seeing me again just reminded him he wasn’t at the level of Brad Pitt.

Needless to say, I didn’t give two shits about him. My reasons for being here had nothing to do with fawning over the lead actor. I was here to be professional and do well for personal reasons.

With all that in mind I gathered up my pride and after a few takes wrapped the scene, ending each time with my toy guns provided by the prop guy exploding confetti into the air. When that was over we broke for another meal, and I spent time blabbing with Missy and some of the other actors from my other day of filming.

I stuck around for Missy’s big performance, which was really quite entertaining. Miss Manhandler covered the old Blondie classic “One Way, or Another” with gusto. I was placed at the front of the stage, but I would have stayed and watched it if I were off camera as well. Standing in the crowd I waved my hat around like I just arrived at some twisted gay rodeo.

“
I’m gonna getch-ya, getch-ya, getch-ya, getch-ya!” the whole room screamed like a bunch of maniacs at the end of the number.

The day dragged on and on, with the countless party scenes being filmed.

After a while I grew tired of sitting in the drag dressing room, which at this point was beginning to look very grimy, especially with countless people parading in and out. That coupled with all the junky crap I kept eating from craft services made me more than eager to get home. It didn’t seem that I had anything else to do, and Perry and Mitch didn’t have time to notice I was there anymore. So I took off the wild outfit, put on some normal clothes, said my good-byes, and drove home.

I had finished my first real speaking role ever, and it was feeling really cathartic, almost like a heavy weight had been taken off my back. At least I had done some legit acting in Hollywood.

I thought back to how I used to dream about being in movies as a kid. I owned all these huge photo books of the old movie stars, biographies, even Oscar trivia books that I would read over and over. It was a realm I could escape into, a means of dealing with the pain of not belonging, not feeling accepted. I was obsessed with this image of old Hollywood, a world that really didn’t exist anymore. I was always a dreamer, but becoming less so as time wore on.

Still, though all my dreams hadn’t been answered, I was living a damn good life with the best job I ever had and a man I adored. Our relationship might have been covert and undercover, but it was the best relationship I ever had. Until an event happened that turned my life upside down and once again tore my world apart.

It was a Monday, and I was taking a break from running some errands to work out at the gym. As I was leaving my cell phone rang.

“
Hello,” I said.

“
Adam,” it was Candy. “Are you okay?”

“
Yeah, I’m fine. Why are you asking me that?” I began to freeze up.

“
So you haven’t seen it yet?”

“
Seen what?” I was now agitated.

“
Adam, you are on the cover of the tabloids. I was at Sav-on Drugs picking up some stuff. There I was at the checkout line digging through my purse when I looked up and saw a headline that read ‘His Porno-iffic Assistant.’”

“
You’re fucking kidding me,” I said in a daze.

“
I only wish I was,” she replied. “There are two pictures juxtaposed on the front. One is a still of you nude from behind, turning and smiling at the camera. They used lettering to cover your ass. The other is of you and John at a function, and you are whispering in his ear.”

“
Oh no,” I said

“
I picked up a copy so you can take a look without having to buy it yourself. Do you need to come by and see it?” Candy asked sympathetically.

I slouched against a nearby wall in a state of shock. I couldn’t even respond.

“
Adam? Are you still there?”

“
Yeah.” I breathed weakly. “I better come over. Shit,” I whimpered.

“
Are you okay to drive?” she asked.

“
I guess I’d better be. I’ll see you soon,” I said and hung up.

A flushed, hot sensation overcame my body. It felt as though all eyes were on me, from the gym to where my car was parked. I tried to keep myself from shaking. The overwhelming urge to vomit came over me. If I thought my gay nerves had suffered before, they were taking a beating right now. I leaned up against the elevator wall that took me from the gym level to the garage below. A handful of trendy types were inside with me. My eyes were closed and I was breathing in and out heavily.

“
Doing all right?” A guy I knew from the gym asked me.

“
Oh, yeah. I’ll be fine,” I lied, smiling faintly.

“
Rough workout, huh?” he smiled.

“
Yeah, very rough,” I breathed.

After what seemed forever I reached my car. During the whole drive over to Candy’s I kept begging God that John wouldn’t be upset and that he wouldn’t hate me. After all, he knew what I was about before he met me. The question was would he want anything to do with me now that word had gone out his personal assistant was a gay porn star.

On the way to Candy’s my phone rang a few times. I didn’t answer it. At that moment I just didn’t have the strength.

Candy was in the kitchen leaning against the counter when I came in. Looking down at the table I saw the image of myself in my naked glory smiling back at me on the cover of
America Weekly.

“
It’s worse on the inside,” Candy muttered. “Just totally mercenary.”

“
There’s no pictures of John and I in the act, are there?” I asked frantically.

“
No, thank God,” Candy said.

For the next few minutes I didn’t say anything, I just looked down, reading every word of the piece, which came complete with more racy images of me.

“
America’s favorite dad, John Vastelli, who plays beloved high school teacher Phil Langella on the show
Life’s Lessons,
has hired a gay porn star better known as Adam Zee to be his assistant.” The piece began, “Zee, whose real name is Adam Zeller, has been accompanying Vastelli around town for the past few months, sparking rumors of a love affair between the two men. Though Vastelli dates a number of women, which in the past has included ’80s’ sex vixen Zinnia, the all-American comedian has long been the source of gay rumors . . .”

The article went on in detail about the few adult flicks I starred in, how I walked away from the industry to work for John, and how it was rumored I stayed at his home often. In essence, though sensationally written, the article was for the most part the truth. Whoever rigged this story either knew me, John, or the both of us very well. The gay press was going to have a field day with this. There were probably forums already set up on the Internet to discuss the topic.

“
What do you think John’s going to say?” Candy asked.

Just then my phone rang.

“
We’re about to find out,” I said, picking up the call. It was him.

“
Adam, we need to talk,” John said.

“
I know,” I responded.

“
You’ve seen it?” he asked.

“
Oh yeah,” I breathed out heavily.

“
My agents and the network are already talking about damage control,” John said.

“
What do you mean?” I asked.

“
Grab a pen. I’m going to have you meet me at this address. Do not come to the house. There are probably photographers snooping around waiting to take some photographs,” he ordered.

I took down the address and agreed to meet John in an hour.

“
This doesn’t sound good,” I told Candy.

“
Look, don’t rush to assumptions, Adam,” Candy tried to comfort me. “He might just think you the two of you need to stay apart for a few weeks, until the whole thing blows over.”

“
Oh that’s great for my job! He probably hates me know, wishes he never met me or became involved in my mess of a life,” I sobbed, throwing my hands in my face and sliding down the kitchen wall until I was slumped over into a pathetic ball.

“
Adam, you’re going to have to be strong,” Candy cautioned.

“
I’m sick of trying to be strong. I can’t even remember how I got to this place anymore. A year ago I was in New York temping. How did I get to this?” I wailed.

“
That doesn’t matter. You’re here and you have to deal with it.” She paused a moment and then said, “I wonder who the hell is behind it.”

“
Who knows,” I huffed, looking up with streaked eyes and a blotchy face. “Could be Brian, could be Ron, could be Zinnia. I’ll never know. All I know is in an hour I have to face John, and I’m so scared he’ll want nothing to do with me.”

My fears were legitimate. An hour later I met John at the home of one of his business associates in Beverly Hills. He was sitting on a white sofa inside, his shades still on. Seeing someone wearing shades indoors is never a good sign. They are the ultimate Hollywood defense mechanism.

“
Hey,” I said. As I approached him for a kiss he put his hand up, making his position clear early on.

“
Sit down,” he said gently.

“
John, you don’t think I had anything to do with this, do you?” I asked incredulously as I sunk into the overupholstered chair across from him.

“
No, Adam, I don’t. As a matter of fact, if anything, the whole thing is my fault. I should have known better than to become so closely involved,” he stated.

“
Oh, John, don’t say that,” I replied, completely crushed.

“
Please, Adam, don’t make this any harder than it has to be. This isn’t easy for me at all. I felt so free with you, and was so into you I wanted to forget that I have to be careful. I’ve worked my ass off for so many years to build up my career, you have no idea. And the ironic part is that I can’t share it with who I choose to. But if that’s the sacrifice I have to make, than I have to live with that,” John said grimly.

“
John, is it really the end of the world? I mean look at Ellen, she got her career back . . .” I began before John cut me off in a rage.

“
Yeah, only years after her own fucking show got canceled. And Rosie came out and now she’s the world’s most pushy dyke as far as the media and public are concerned. Jesus, Adam! Look at my show, and my audience! This is Middle America! Do you think their really going to buy it after the find out in real life I’m shacking up with a guy? A guy who is a fucking porn star and a whore for Christ sakes!” he exploded.

I sat in the chair stunned as tears rolled down my cheeks. I had never seen John so angry, and never once believed he could be so enraged. He had always been a gentle bear with me.

“
Oh shit,” John muttered. He got up from the sofa and began pacing back and forth, putting his hand up to his forehead in emotional exhaustion. “I’m sorry I said that to you, Adam. You know I care for you. It’s just that so many people depend on me, a whole cast and crew. If the show gets canceled they lose their jobs. There is just so much at stake here than just us, you understand?” he asked, finally pausing to look at me.