God's Little Freak (18 page)

“From my experience, the sooner people face it, the sooner it will be resolved, so your father may be on the right track. Give him some ti
me to work through things. Often parents who are in denial of their children’s sexuality take much longer before they ever get to accepting it,” Dr Barnard says.

They continue
talking about all the ways parents can react when Kevin suddenly says, “I want to quit my medication now. I’m not sick and I hate taking this stuff.”

“OK, we can begin to reduce the dosage first, but you cannot le
ave it straight away. We’ll halve the dosage for two weeks and then halve it again for another two weeks before quitting. Make sure that you come every week so that we can assess if you have side effects because of quitting the meds. It would help if you exercise a lot during this time,” Dr Barnard says.

“Sure! I’ll go to the gym because it’s too
damn cold to run around now,” Kevin replies.

Kevin i
s relieved that finally it is the beginning of the end of his depression.

Three
weeks into the new school term and Kevin is sitting in Mr Stewart’s English class. Everything that has happened this year was basically started by Mr Stewart, so Kevin decides to wait after class to thank him.

“I just thought I’d let you know that I am off my medication and do not have depression anymore. Th
ank you very much for your help,” Kevin says, after everyone has left.

“You’re most welcome! Glad I could help you with that.
It’s a terrible state to be in,” Mr Stewart replies.

“It’s difficult to explain, but when one is depressed, it’s like one doesn’t see clearly and it’s not that obvious what one should do to get out of it. I’ve heard some of my friends say that I should just pull myself together, but that’s such a stupid thing to say if you don’t tell people
how
they should pull themselves together. I did come along quite a stretch to realise what I needed to do and how to do it and you helped me with the first step. I’m truly grateful,” Kevin says.

“So,
how are things regarding your sexuality?” Mr Stewart asks.

“I am gay. Wow, it feels
strange to actually say it,” Kevin says.

“It’s OK. Take your time with it
,” Mr Stewart says, smiling.

“I’ve told my parents, brother and sister, but I haven’t d
one anything more than that yet,” Kevin explains.

“
You’ve told me. There is no reason to rush it either. What is important is that you are at peace with yourself and that you don’t have depression anymore. That was my real concern. The rest is secondary. Honestly, don’t do anything if you’re not ready for it,” Mr Stewart says.

“Don’t worry,
I won’t. I have to go. Good-bye,” Kevin says.

“Good-bye
, Kevin,” Mr Stewart says as he leaves.

On Saturday his school does
n’t play any rugby matches. He gets up early as usual and is bored, so he goes to the gym. When he gets back, his father says, “Let’s go and have breakfast. Your mother is working and Klara is playing tennis today, so why should we sit around here?”

It’
s more a late breakfast-early lunch when they get to a restaurant. They go to a German restaurant. When the waiter comes, his father says, ”We’ll have Erdinger, Kristall, two please.”

“But D
ad, it’s not even 11 o’clock yet!” Kevin says.

“Have a beer with me. Live a little! This is one of
the few joys I have in Joburg: to go to a German restaurant and have real German beer and food,” his father says.

“Well, OK, bu
t I don’t really drink anymore after St. Lucia,” Kevin says.

“It’s not about whether you drink or not, bu
t whether you behave responsibly when you drink. That’s what’s important. Anyway, how do you find Joburg? Do you like it?” his father asks.

Kevin tells him everything that he likes
about Johannesburg and his school. He doesn’t miss Vryheid at all. “And how about you?” he asks his father.

“I miss Vryheid. My work is fine and I enjoy the challenge. We may even venture into Mozamb
ique soon. We’ll still have to see, but my work is OK. As for the rest, I hate the traffic. I can’t get used to it and it feels as if I’m rushed all the time. I’m not too keen on shopping or anything like that, so those kinds of thrills have no use for me. I miss the simpler life and sense of community, where one person cares about another, like we had in Vryheid. The church and everything here is fine, but in the city we’re not as integrated as in the country. Don’t you think?” his father asks.

“But that’s exactly what I like about the city. I think the community
concept that is talked about in the country is more an excuse to interfere in other people’s lives so that one can go around and gossip about it. I mean, come on, you know how things are!” Kevin says.

“I
’ve never experienced it like that. But I’m glad that you and Klara are happy here. I was concerned about that and Mum didn’t want to move because of it,” his father says.

“Well, I’m glad we moved. Maybe it has more to do with my own life, but I am more alive here and I don’t feel like an outcast here, which I often did in Vryheid. If I think back, there’s not that much I miss about Vryheid, except maybe being closer to nature and that we
could go fishing and all of that, but I’m sure we can do that close to Johannesburg too?” Kevin says.

“Yeah, maybe.
I want to talk about something else too and maybe you are expecting this or maybe not. Er, let me say straight away that this is not easy for me to talk about…” his father says and then drinks some more of his beer.

“OK
,” Kevin says and takes a sip of beer as well.

“I’ve lo
oked into this gay issue and have done some research of my own and have spoken to a number of people. I find that there are actually two sides to the argument, where before I thought it was outright wrong. Well, actually, if I have to be completely honest, I never thought of it before and I never…”

“But that’s great, D
ad, that’s exactly…” Kevin interrupts him.

“It would be great if for now you would j
ust listen, OK?” his father says abruptly.

“Sure, sure,
sure,” Kevin says and then drinks some more beer again.

“I had to look at this, because you’re my son and you’re gay too. These are two topics that I couldn’t bring together before, because I didn’t need to. I didn’t need to think about homosexuality at all, but now I do. Most people I talked to said it was nothing and that I shouldn’t worry about it too much. But that’s easy to say if it’s someone else’s son! I would probably say the same and think, ‘
Thank God it’s not me who has to deal with it.’ I don’t know. One even said that one of the Springbok rugby players, I can’t remember his name now, is gay, but I don’t think that is true, and…”

“Which one
, because there are rumours about…” Kevin interrupts again.

“Just shut up for a moment! OK?”
his father says.

“Yes, sorry
!” Kevin says.

“I’ve done some research and it appears that there is a lot of evidence that proves that it is genetic. Twins studies show it, where identical twins who have the same DNA
, have the same sexual orientation more frequently than when compared to twins who are not identical.
15
There’s a lot to say about hormone differences and all of that. Some even suggest that sexuality is already determined in the womb.
16
Some studies are inconclusive, I know, but there is enough smoke for me to suspect a fire, if you understand what I mean. On a strictly Darwinian or evolutionary approach, homosexuality shouldn’t be around.
17
And they also found that a kind of monkey, the Japanese macaques or snow monkey, where homosexuality is prevalent so it’s not uncommon in nature either; in fact, homosexual activity in animals has been documented in over 500 species!
18
Therefore, it can’t be unnatural. What I’m trying to say, Kevin, is that I’ve tried my best to understand this because I don’t like things to be in limbo. One must get to a conclusion as quickly and efficiently as possible and I am fine with you - being gay and all. I’ve read some blogs on the internet where some guys describe the difficulties of being gay and I don’t want you to feel like that. You must know that I love you and accept you as you are.”

“Thanks so…” Kevin interrupts
again.

“Not
only that,” his father continues, “but I’m really proud of you. I think it must have been the hardest thing to deal with over such a long period and have no one to turn to. And to confront the entire issue, at such an early age! I tell you now, as I told Marcus a few years ago: I’m talking to you now as if you’re an adult and not a child, because you have shown me so much maturity and I think it is wonderful! Prost!” his father says and they tap glasses to cheer each other.

“Thanks,
Paps! It means so much for me to hear that. I must tell you that God really helped me a lot with it and told me that I will need to have a lot of courage. Hearing you say this certainly makes it worth having courage,” Kevin says.

“I’m glad to hear that. Your mother does not feel the same way. I’ve tried to talk to her and you know
how she gets sometimes. Just give her some time. And it would help if you wouldn’t bring around boyfriends right away. Just hold on a little,” his father says.

Kev
in bursts out laughing and says, “I’m nowhere near having a boyfriend, so don’t worry about that. I’m just so glad that we’ve had this chat, so that I know how you feel. I’ve been worried about it!”

“Yea
h, don’t worry. Things will be fine. I’ve always wondered about something and maybe you can help me with it, because I kind of had to deal with something before as well,” his father says.

“Yes
, sure. What is it?” Kevin asks.

His father begins
, “When I was at university, I attended a wedding. There was a guy who sat nearly opposite me and stared at me quite frequently. He later asked me if I could take him home, because he didn’t have a car.”

Kevin begin
s to move around uncomfortably on his chair, running his hand through his hair and looking around in every direction of the restaurant.

His father continues his story
. “We were both drinking a bit more than we should have, and he suggested that we should go to the water organ at Wemmer pan here in Jo’burg. I’d never seen a water organ before, so I thought it was a good idea.”

Kevin takes
a big gulp from his beer and sits with his elbows on the table holding his head in his hands.

“But then, when we
had stopped there, we sat in the car and there was an uncomfortable silence. He then leaned over, ran his hand over my chest and it seemed like he tried to kiss me. I then pushed him away gently and said, ‘Sorry, but I think you have the wrong idea, mate.’ I always wondered if I handled the situation correctly?” his father wants to know.

Kevin lifts his head, exhales deeply and then looks at his dad and says
: “Yeah, I think you handled it correctly. Do you want another beer?”

“Sure, let’s get another one. You’re fitter than I am, so you’ll sober up quicker than me. But don’t drink too much because you’re driving.
I’m enjoying this time with you,” his father says.

“So am I
,” Kevin says.

A week later Kevin sees Dr Barnard again and tells him everything that his father told him over the weekend.
“You are very fortunate that your father reacts like this,” Dr Barnard says. “Usually, parents are not that keen to do any kind of research and just accept whatever anyone tells them about the topic.”

“I realis
e that and I’m glad he took the time to clear things up so that we know exactly where we stand. I like that,” Kevin says in reply.

Kevin changes the position in which he is sitt
ing and then says to Dr Barnard, “I want to talk to you about something else. I think it is time for me to find someone to be in a relationship with, but it is not as easy as I thought. I don’t know where to begin. The other day when I was at the gym, there was a guy that I liked and I could tell that he liked me, but he was a bit older and when he heard I was 17, the conversation died down and he walked away. I hate that!”

Dr Barn
ard smiles, “I’m sure you do, but believe me, when you are my age you’ll respect older men who walk away from seventeen year olds. In many ways you are still a child…”

“I’m not a child!” Kevin snaps back.

“Oh, but you are. You are seventeen; you still go to school, so the fact is: you are still a child - a mature child maybe, but a child nonetheless. You can’t change that,” Dr Barnard says.

Kevin crosses his arms and looks away. Dr Barnard smiles aga
in, strokes his goatee and says, “I can see that you don’t like what I’m saying; however, I do have a suggestion: instead of looking for a relationship now, try to find a few gay friends first, who are not necessarily into relationships. You have the rest of your life to find someone special. What’s the rush? Focus on discovering more about yourself first.”

Kevin looks perplexed and says
, “But I know myself, better than ever before. What else can there possibly be to discover?”

“Do you realis
e that by saying that you have closed the door on the possibility that there is more to you than you think? You’ve gone through a lot of changes, which is wonderful, and now you should see how these changes affect you and how you view the world. Discover yourself first. A relationship has more to do with
you
than with the other person. You must know who you are and then you’ll find someone with whom you’ll fit effortlessly. If you enter a relationship too early, it will be all about the other person and how you should compromise and adapt. Then you’re bound not to grow as a person and after a while the relationship won’t grow either,” Dr Barnard says.