Godforsaken: Book 1 (Shade of Light) (19 page)

Samael said nothing. His lips approached her
neck. She tossed her head back, continually moaning, her voice
wandered around the room before drifting into the darkness outside.
His lips continued to travel down her body as he unbuttoned her
shirt.

Lily couldn’t wait anymore, but she had to.
As soon as he raised his head up, she tore his shirt off of him,
and her fingers traced his bare chest. Samael closed his eyes, then
opened them again and leaned in to kiss her lips greedily.

Lily’s jeans were off. She opened her legs
to invite him in, and Samael took her instantly. He placed her head
in his palm, his other hand slid down to grasp her buttocks, and
her blood welled as soon as she felt him inside her. She groaned
loudly with pleasure against Samael’s mouth.

* * *

Summer’s warm breeze blew gently into the
room through the small window. It reached Lily’s loose blonde hair,
ruffling strands of it against Samael’s face as he lay next to her.
Samael was staring into her blue eyes, looking at her curiously as
though he was trying to read her thoughts. The task seemed too
difficult even for such a strong and powerful creature. Next to
him, Lily lay calmly. She had realized that there truly was
something between them, that she hadn’t been used, Samael had
feelings for her. Maybe he didn't express them as an average man
would’ve, but they seemed honest all the same. At least, Lily
thought that way.

Her fingers were on his face, caressing his
cheek. She liked the prickle of short bristle on his face, she
liked his thin lips which were always dry. She had tasted nothing
better than them yet.

“Why do you hide your wings from me?” she
asked with a whisper.

Samael smiled. “You like them?” There was a
surreal expression in his eyes.

“Yes,” she whispered.

She felt something warm and long covering
her naked body. She flinched, her eyes looked down and she saw a
covering of gray wrapping around her. She felt softness, heat, and
protection meshed together.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“You’re welcome,” Samael replied as he
tilted his head and kissed her lips.

“I don’t want this moment to be over,” Lily
said after the kiss.

“Dreams,” he said seriously. “Dreams are our
enemy, don’t let them live instead of you. Lily, you know that
everything has an end, but instead of dreaming, you can spend your
time living within the pleasurable moments.”

“I only want to live them with you.” Her
hand rested on his cheek. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me
anymore.”

“Why did you think that?”

“It was because of the coldness I felt after
the night we shared,” Lily hurried to reply. “I learned of my
destiny, I got to see your true colors, and I was scared that you
were only using me for your own purposes.”

“Why have you changed you mind then?” Samael
questioned. “Maybe I’m still using you.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Lily
tried to read something deep in the green of his eyes, but Samael
knew how to keep his soul locked away. She would only be able to
learn what he allowed her to have.

“I want to believe you,” Lily whispered
gloomily.

Samael’s wing wrapped around her tighter.
His eyes fell for some seconds then when he raised them on her,
their light darkened.

“I thought you wouldn’t want me once you
knew the real me,” he began apologetically. “That you might even be
afraid of me, as I’m not a human–”

“But you’re a far more wonderful creature.”
Her voice was sweet.

“Wonderful?” he chortled. “I’m a devil,
Lily,” Samael sounded cruel, but Lily didn’t feel fear. “I’ve
sinned, I have killed and lied and betrayed. Out of all the
heavenly creatures you could have chosen, I am the worst of them.
I’ve become such a thing that belongs to neither Heaven nor Hell.”
He grinned a sour grin.

“It doesn’t matter,” Lily insisted, “who you
were. It matters who you are, beside me, Samael.”

“And who am I beside you?”

Lily kept her silence for some seconds.
Samael seemed disappointed with her apparent hesitation.

“You’re the one who makes me feel safe with
your mere presence,” Lily took his face into her hands. “Next to
you I feel alive, you can change me, down to the way I breathe. You
don’t know it, but for a moment when you argued with Michael and
left, I thought would be better to die than live without you.”

“That’s not a real feeling, Lily. My charm
is talking instead of you.”

“No. I know what I feel.”

“I wish you knew,” Samael sighed. Then he
asked, “Did you hear our conversation?”

“I’m sorry, but I was behind the door,” she
confessed honestly. “I didn’t hear everything, just half,” she
added quickly.

Samael’s wing unwrapped her, he looked aside
and sat up exhaling in disappointment. Lily peered at him
worriedly, wondering whether she had said the wrong thing. Of
course she had behaved rudely, eavesdropping on his conversation
and lurking behind the door, but at the same time, she was the
topic at hand.

Samael stood up and approached the narrow
window. His wings covered his naked body like he was clad in a gray
cassock.

“You know that I tried to kill all your
predecessors, and you still say you love me?” he said in muted
surprise.

Lily didn’t answer at once. She got out of
the bed slowly, then came up to him, and propped her arm behind his
back.

“I believe you had a reason for what you
did,” she whispered in his ear. “I guess I loved you before we met.
I saw you in my dreams and fell in love with you then.”

“I told you not to trust dreams, Lily. You
know nothing about me.”

“No, I do know something about you.” Her
statement got Samael’s attention, and he looked at her, involved in
her theory. “Raphael told me you’re very clever, maybe even the
cleverest archangel in Heaven.”

“I haven't been an angel for a long time
now,” Samael cut her off. “Almost an eternity.” His hand lifted to
caress her hair as it ruffled in the breeze. “But you still want to
know why I killed them, don’t you?”

Lily nodded with uncertainty.

“Okay,” he looked out the window again.
Looking at the darkness and seeing nothing seemed to help him to
gather all his memories. “Raphael told you I followed our eldest
brother Lucifer, and was banished from Heaven because of it. There
is now no way for me to return to Heaven ever again.”

“But do you want to go back to Heaven?”

“How much do you desire me to be beside
you?” he asked. Lily said nothing, her answer was already clear.
“You can’t imagine the beauty of that place, the warmth the air
carries there. Lucifer kept saying that we would attack and conquer
it soon.” He took a pause.

“You set him up, didn’t you?” Lily
remembered Raphael’s words.

Samael kept staring out the window
unblinking. Looking in his eyes, Lily saw his pupils growing and
shrinking, and she noticed something like gray smoke roaming in
them. She got the impression that the memories he had of the War of
Heaven were rising in his eyes.

“Lucifer changed. His love for Eve consumed
him. He desired to prove to God that he was the best creation
Heaven had ever seen. I followed him because I knew he could
create, and because I was sure he would improve Earth. I was
curious. I wanted to find out the secret of creation, I wanted to
learn everything. He told me that the secret laid in love – it was
a feeling only Lucifer had discovered at the time. But he forgot
it. He destroyed and murdered, he rebelled against our brothers, he
adored seducing the other angels to follow him using his new
discoveries: charm, seduction, sex,
life without God
,” the
smoke in Samael’s eyes reflected different forms of angels and
people, soldiers struggling against each other, a man killing a
woman. “He released Abaddon–the destroyer. I couldn’t let him ruin
Heaven as he did Earth.”

“When I withdrew, Michael had a chance to
defeat the rage gathered in Lucifer. He sent Lucifer out of Heaven
and into Hell, and locked him there. God made new rules after that
war. He announced that no unearthly creature could use supernatural
power on Earth. Mankind gained their freedom, and the right to
choose between God and Lucifer. But before the new rules were
signed, I knew that Lucifer could get out of Hell using his love of
Eve’s heir. I knew that Efran’s family, your great-great-father or
someone close to him, was on Lucifer’s side. His wife was pregnant.
He gave his word to Lucifer to sacrifice her female child to him. I
couldn’t let that happen.”

“You missed someone, didn’t you?” Lily
supposed. “Otherwise I wouldn’t exist.”

“I never miss anybody if I aim for them,”
Samael assured her. He sighed mournfully. “Efran had a twin
brother. When they were born, I hid the second boy, I had already a
backup plan prepared for him. His name was Jarrett. Nobody knew
about him, even the archangels. I helped him run away from Rome to
the Armenian Empire and lurk there. Tigranes the Great, the king of
Armenia, kindly agreed to aid me.

“Time passed. Jarrett died, but he didn’t
leave a female heir. With the disintegration of that country,
Jarrett’s offspring moved to Europe. There I lost track of them.
Very difficult times followed afterwards. I had no place to go. I
was wandering Earth, like a man fighting against fallen angels and
Lucifer’s minions. But all that time, I was creating my
future.”

He trailed off. Samael opened his right wing
and wrapped it around Lily’s naked body. She cuddled against his
chest, putting her head on him. She wondered if Samael had a heart.
With her ear on his chest she strained to hear his heart beat. But
to her surprise she heard a knock deep inside his body.
His
heart?

“The Garden of Eden needed a keeper,” Samael
resumed, looking down at Lily. “God entrusted it to me.”

“Why did he do that? You said he banished
everyone who followed Satan,” Lily inquired.

“I can’t set foot in Heaven, but I’m still
part of that world, Lily,” he began explaining. “He knew that I saw
what Lucifer was capable of. He’s very clever, and he knew I
wouldn’t let him in the garden.”

“And you wouldn’t,” Lily asserted
confidently. “I heard that to do so means the fall of Heaven.”

“It doesn’t mean that. Getting into the
garden means a loss of God's.” His one hand rested on her cheek.
“And the teacher never loses to the pupil. God can’t lose to his
own creation, do you understand?” His eyes gleamed, and a thin
smile curled his lips. “You see, Michael and Gabriel will never let
it be. They might lose the battle, and Heaven might fall – but not
in this way. God can’t afford to lose. Do you think he truly isn't
cheating?” Samael winked at her.

“God will order to kill me?” Lily’s voice
hardly came out of her mouth. With fearful eyes she peered at her
savior
. Was it selfish to think about one’s own life when
there was a bigger stake – the continuation of life? She realized
that by dying she could give someone else a chance at life, but her
heart didn’t want to stop. It itched to live in Samael’s arms
forever.

“No, he won’t. The archangels will give that
order,” Samael said surprisingly unconcerned. “You don’t know
Michael. He knows that by killing you he will be banished from
Heaven like me and Lucifer, but he will opt to do that if there is
no other way to save Eden’s gates.”

“What is it in Eden that Lucifer longs
for?”

“Good question. I wondered that for a long
time. The answer is somewhere ahead of me, but I can’t reach out my
hand and grasp it,” Samael balled his hand into a fist. “You know,
the garden was the first place God created life.”

“But you existed, didn’t you?” she put in
rapidly. “I mean angels. You were the life.”

“No, saying life we mean creatures with
feelings,” Samael explained affectionately. “Angels were
emotionless, like machines.”

“But Lucifer fell in love,” Lily protested.
“And you. I know you feel something for me.” She looked at him
patiently. Waiting. “You appreciate beauty. That’s why you didn’t
let Lucifer conquer Heaven.”

“Of course I am able to feel now,” he said,
and pecked a quick kiss on her forehead. “Feelings came with time.
First it happened to Lucifer. He recognized them on the first day
of Eden’s creation. But feelings are very dangerous. They’re almost
uncontrollable, and I daresay that God had a deal with Lucifer to
figure out the consequences of the feelings. But even he didn’t
realize the danger. And then the game began, when he let Lucifer go
down on Earth.” Samael raised his left hand and pointed out the
window. “Lucifer thought he won the first bet with God, that he
could seduce Eve and tell her his plan. But he didn’t realize that
that was exactly what God wanted to happen – he wanted Lucifer to
think he had won, and lead humans to the Earth. By giving the taste
of victory to Lucifer, he started the system. It’s the system you
see in front of you every day. That’s why God’s created world is
different – it’s beautiful and ugly at the same time, it’s happy
and sad in the same moment, it’s cruel and wonderful within the
same instant.”

In Samael’s warm embrace, Lily threw herself
into her own thoughts. Life was only a game, a system created on
feelings. It was beyond Lily’s understanding. A God who didn’t know
what lay at the end of life. A God who itched to see the real side
of his creations. Mankind was only a pawn in this game. The figures
were struggling against each other, but people were dying for their
victories and losses.

“Haven’t you seen God since you left
Heaven?” Lily asked after a while.

Samael laughed soundlessly. “I play chess
with him every so often.”

“Who wins?” she teased.

“We haven’t finished yet. It’s a long game,”
he said solemnly. “He likes it, as I’m good at it and He has to
think hard. Therefore the game becomes interesting and
intriguing.”