Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well-Being (29 page)

Whether you love horses, dance, gardening, fitness, making jewelry, or travel, it’s clear that they all contribute to agelessness and make others feel attracted to you. As Julia Child, who discovered her joy of cooking late in life, said, “Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.” That’s what makes you ageless.

In relationships, your job is to fill yourself up until you’re overflowing with love and enthusiasm for life, and then allow a relationship to unfold. The point is
not
to find your missing part so that you can be rescued from your problems—and it is
not
to be someone else’s missing part and rescue him or her. In the movie
Jerry Maguire,
there’s a famous scene that demonstrates what a fine line this can be. In the movie, Jerry (played delightfully by Tom Cruise) realizes that he misses his wife (Renée Zellweger), having put his career far ahead of his need for connection. He’s left her, but he rushes to her after one of the biggest career successes of his life because he realizes how empty it is to feel that he has no one to share that success with. He stands in front of her with his heart in his hands, pouring out his desire for a partner to be by his side. Through teary eyes, he says, “You complete me.” And every woman in the audience sighs and wishes a man (or woman) would say the same thing to her. But make no mistake. He’s not really saying that he is incomplete without her. Instead, he’s acknowledging that she brings out the best in him,
and that he’s a better person when he is with her.
This
is what a relationship is supposed to be: a partnership between two people who enhance each other, and who become more than each could be alone because of the power of the partnership. A relationship should not be the result of two half people trying to complete each other. In a great co-creative partnership that keeps us ageless, one plus one makes more than two.

Whether you’re heterosexual or a woman looking for a romantic relationship with another woman, you can find a romantic partner who is exciting and dependable in the important ways. Many women now have much more freedom to create a relationship that’s going to meet their needs—and realize they don’t even need a partner to meet them anyway. A romantic partner is just icing on the cake.

WHAT DO I DO WITH RALPH?

When women and men get into their 50s and 60s, their experiences and interests often start to diverge. Women become free of old obligations and want to start a business, travel, or learn something new. Men finally stop focusing solely on the competitive world of work, or even retire, just as their testosterone levels may drop and their energy moves up from their lower chakras to the heart chakra. In other words, their energy becomes less concentrated in the energy centers associated with survival, self-expression, sexuality, and power, and stronger in the energy center associated with feelings and relationships. This change is good for men—in fact, all of us should be living from a heart-centered place. The electromagnetic field of the heart affects our hormonal balance, so it’s beneficial for our health to have a well-functioning heart chakra. But this shift to a more heart-centered energy in middle-aged men causes them to start to feel more domestic, and they may become homebodies, which some women see as a problem. Ralph starts a garden, putters in the garage, and tries out new recipes. Meanwhile, his wife complains, “I can’t seem to get Ralph out of the house and
doing
something!”

A woman who retires from a full-time, high-pressure job may enjoy taking the time to read novels, empty out the basement at
last, and redecorate her bedroom, but more often than not, restlessness soon sets in. She is hormonally and spiritually driven to get out into the world and launch into deeper self-discovery and new adventures. As one woman who retired at 65 said, “I was going to go on the vacation of a lifetime to celebrate my thirtieth wedding anniversary, and then I remembered how boring my husband is. He complains all the time and he’s just no fun. So I called my girlfriend and said, ‘We should do this together.’ And she said, ‘Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m there!’” Clearly, the woman who is itching to spread her wings and the mate who wants to nest can drive each other crazy unless both are willing to grow and change.

Divorce is certainly not the only answer. As long as the two of them recognize that they have different desires and interests, they can rediscover each other and fashion a new relationship.

Many of us began our adult lives thinking it was a man’s job to take care of a woman financially and a woman’s job to take care of a man emotionally. We rid ourselves of that stifling idea, but accepting the new paradigm of a supportive partner back at the nest as we stretch our wings for the first time in ages can be challenging but very rewarding. Women who aren’t coupled may find they are ready for an entirely different kind of lover and partner, whether it’s a man or a woman.

THE GOOD GUYS

If you’re heterosexual and have no partner, know that the “good guys” who don’t bore you to death are out there—they always have been. Men are closeted romantics who are dying to please women—unless they’re narcissists, in which case all bets are off. And even if you’re not interested in a romantic partnership with men, know that there are plenty of great men in the world. They just have difficulty making themselves known when they’re shamed for being in touch with their romantic side—and the screwed-up men who use violence and posturing to hide their vulnerability grab all the headlines. Those men attract women who have unresolved issues about their own feminine sides.
Embrace your womanliness in your own way and the sexy good guys will show up.

As women, we absolutely must acknowledge how scared men are, and how much they are criticized by the women in their lives. They look to women to make them feel competent and strong. When I have invited men to men’s night at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, the first response from many of them is, “Oh, great. A whole room full of women. Are they going to rip me a new one?” I’ve always been stunned by this response, but I’m starting to realize it’s common for men to fear women’s disapproval. And I’m equally stunned by the few men who, when surrounded by a roomful of beautiful, wholehearted women, feel so threatened that they leave. But this experience of feeling vulnerable and hurt by rejection, which is familiar to both men and women, speaks volumes about the fact that we’re all in this together.

Because we live in a dominator culture, the soft, feminine, feeling side of men is as wounded as it is in so many women. Playwright Eve Ensler travels a lot and tells me that more and more, she’s seeing men on planes watching romantic comedies and “chick flicks” on their personal viewing devices (maybe because watching it on a phone screen or tablet is more discreet than watching it on a larger screen). The Hilton Hotel chain started offering rooms decorated with softer colors and lighting to appeal to female travelers—and found male travelers eager to book those rooms. It’s good to see men acknowledging their softer side and indulging it. We need more of that! And we need to let go of the old dominator culture’s attitude that men in touch with their female aspects are weak and unattractive.

We women have to lead the way toward healthier male/female relationships by healing ourselves, reclaiming our womanliness, embracing our own desires, and tapping into Spirit. We have to bring love into ourselves, through ourselves, and out into the world in a way that benefits the men around us as well as the women. Men are desperate to feel connection through the feminine life force—and not just in the most literal way, by penetrating us sexually. They want touch and emotional connection. They want
to come into our circle of healing. Holistic healer Tami Lynn Kent, whose books include
Mothering from Your Center: Tapping Your Body’s Natural Energy for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
(Atria Books/Beyond Words, 2013), has pointed out that we can see this in our sons. Even into their teens, boys are drawn to their mothers, and hug them and try to sit on their laps, because they’re hungry to get in touch with Mom’s feminine life force. She calls this behavior “returning to the mother ship.”

As women, we aren’t as emotionally vulnerable as men can be because we aren’t socialized out of our feelings. We also take better care of our bodies than men do. We know how important it is to get support from our girlfriends and to have strong relationships with people who love us and look out for us. Men are slowly coming to realize that they, too, need to have a “tribe” to support them. Without women in their lives urging them toward wellness and giving them love and support, men often fall apart. That’s why married men experience greater longevity and better health than unmarried men do. It’s also why so many men remarry so quickly following divorce or the death of a spouse. Men sense they’ll age quickly without a woman to keep them young—and the woman doesn’t actually have to be younger than the man for him to feel she is helping him remain vibrant. Ageless goddesses are alluring to partners of every age. Who doesn’t want to be around a woman who lives with gusto?

When it comes to our culture’s damaging messages about the feminine force, I firmly believe that men won’t heal until women do their own healing work and express their strength and womanliness in the world. It’s going to have to start with us. We’re the stronger ones, unafraid to look at what needs to be healed. But we have to make the first move so that men aren’t shamed for wanting contact with the feminine force—whether it’s through touching and being physically near women or being in contact with the feminine force within them.

Men could have healthier relationships with women
and
other men if they were allowed to own their emotions and need for connection. Recently, a very manly, accomplished sailor was visiting our tango class and I had him dance around the floor with my good friend Leftari, a young Greek man who dances
right from his heart. Leftari knows how to make other men feel comfortable with the connection. Afterward, the sailor texted me to say, “The connection I felt in such a short period of time dancing is kind of funny. Your head is trying to fathom—does it feel this good dancing with a man while my heart and energy know without a doubt it is exactly what I need and yearn for, connection. Interesting that you had had me watch that Brené Brown TED talk beforehand. Very clever of you!”

The good news is that more and more, men are letting go of their shaming, owning their need for connection to the feminine life force wherever they can access it, and not apologizing for it. Men who are in touch with their need for connection and who are not shamed for it will stop trying to control women. In fact, they’ll begin to appreciate competent and strong women even more. Once they have a better balance of masculine and feminine within themselves, they’ll become capable of healthier relationships resulting from a healthier relationship with the vulnerable aspects of themselves.

In ancient cultures where people interacted collaboratively instead of giving one leader, or a small group of leaders, power over everyone else, men were warriors and hunters who served the life force. They protected and served the mothers and children literally and figuratively. The men didn’t bring down a mammoth to serve themselves or to gain power over the tribe. They did it so everyone would have enough to eat. A man’s ability to provide something of value for his loved ones is key to his well-being and sense of self. Men require respect. When they don’t get it, they don’t function very well.

Today, what do men really want? To protect and to serve. They want to be seen as useful and worthy of admiration. They also love giving pleasure to women. In her book
Swoon,
about the great lovers of the world, feminist historian Betsy Prioleau, Ph.D., writes that Casanova reported that two-thirds of his pleasure arose from giving pleasure to his lovers. Countless men agree with this and say that the biggest turn-on in their lives is providing pleasure to the women in their lives. Most men want to be heroes. I have seen this over and over again. All you have to do is acknowledge them for stepping up. It’s so simple and powerful.
As women, we must allow them to serve us as the goddesses we are. It’s good for men’s souls and psyches to be connected to women who are full of the life force and to serve them in a loving and balanced way. We don’t want men becoming perfectionists who give too much and deplete themselves as women have. Together, we can create new relationships with men that support well-being, health, and agelessness.

I was clueless about men’s needs in my younger years, but fortunately, I’m a quick study. I think my willingness to learn about this aspect of men is part of the reason my two daughters have partnered with wonderful, strong, wholehearted men whom I adore. I have learned how to treasure the men in my life and all they do for me, including all the men who dance with me and do their best to provide me with pleasure. I also treasure my male plumber and male electrician! I feel so blessed to have such wonderful men in my life.

If as women we do everything by ourselves all the time and leave no room for men to serve us, we prevent men from doing what they’re meant to do as powerful, sensual, masculine beings. We have to stop exhausting ourselves and end our endless quest for perfection. Let men serve us, even if they don’t always do it perfectly. We need to set the bar higher and expect more of them when it comes to their attentiveness. If they put real effort into serving us, we need to appreciate that rather than become hypercritical and micromanage them.

If you want men’s support, become attractive and kind to the men who can serve you. Send the message that you appreciate a strong man willing to give you what you need but that you also don’t need to be rescued from utter helplessness.

SEX, MONEY, AND POWER

One thing that stands in the way of healthy male/female partnerships is women’s discomfort with their own power, both sexual and financial. Money, sex, and power are all second-chakra issues. If we have good relationships with these things, then our second chakra, which is also our creative center, will be energized and strong. If we don’t, we’ll have a diminished sex drive,
trouble attracting and holding on to money—and a boatload of gynecological issues!