God on Sex: The Creator's Ideas About Love, Intimacy, and Marriage (4 page)

ACKNOWLEDGE THE RISK OF BEING
WITH YOUR MATE (V. 8)

This romance thing is risky business. You take a chance. You roll the dice. There are, however, ways to improve the odds in your favor. Verse 8 is best understood as a mild, maybe even a playful, rebuke of Shulammite. She is looking to “hook up” with her man. What does she need to do?

KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND HIM

Shulammite is called “most beautiful of women,” yet she is teased for not knowing where her man is. Perhaps she doesn't, as of yet, know him as well as she should. After all, marriage is a lifelong learning process. It is imperative that we grow in knowledge of our mate, of our mate's needs, disposition, gifts, weaknesses, and inclinations. To love our mates we must know them and know where and how to find them when we want them.

GO WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM

Knowledge must be accompanied by action. How often is it in a relationship that we know the right thing to do but we do not do the right thing? Shulammite is told to follow what, in essence, are familiar paths or “tracks” which Solomon is known to walk. If she will follow the familiar paths, she will find him. The rest we leave to a sanctified imagination.

Researchers Howard Markman and Scott Stanley of the University of Denver help us understand, in part, why good marriages work and bad marriages fail. It's not sex, money, or how many fights you have that make for a happy union. Marriage-wise couples aren't afraid to accept influence from each other. They connect on a daily basis in many small ways, think about their partner periodically when they're apart, take time-outs to soothe tempers, use humor as a coolant in arguments, and have softer start-ups when fighting. Even in conflict, their ratio of positive to negative actions—from a simple “mmmmh” or “yeah” to a pat on the arm— are 5 to 1 as opposed to 0.8 to 1 for unstable marriages.
¹³

This is sound advice. We should be influenced by each other. The Lord should influence us. We should learn from each other. We should learn from God. We must grow in our knowledge of each other. Let me conclude with some sound advice that will help move us in the right direction as we think about marriage and as we think about each other.

GETTING STARTED ON THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE

If we would raise our marriages to the level God intends, we must guide them with principles that focus more on
we
than
me
and that esteem the other better than self. What we are after is having the mind of Christ (Phil. 2:2-5).

Here are seven areas that need our careful
thinking
and
commitment.

1. Educationally

• Study marriage; become a real student of it.
  
• Study the opposite sex; at least
  try
  to become an expert on them. (Be ready for a lifetime adventure!)
  
• Study
  your
  spouse; really get to know her/him.
  

2. Sexually

• Be faithful to each other for life. Put boundaries in place now and commit never to compromise them.
  
• Know the difference between your needs and your wants.
  
• Exercise self-control; resist outside temptations.
  
• Never bargain with sex. Don't become a marital prostitute. (To play you must pay!) This is a lose-lose proposition.
  
• Make sure there is mutual consent to all you and your spouse decide to do (1 Cor. 7:1-7). If a spouse cannot say no when circumstances warrant it, how can that spouse be sure that she or he is not a slave?
  
• Do not expect your spouse to have the same appetites and desires that you have. Strive for compatible appetites.
  

3. Individually

• Do not make unilateral decisions that affect your relationship.
  
• Do not depend primarily on your spouse for a sense of self-worth. Look to God.
  
• Own up to your own mistakes. Be willing to say seven magical words, “I am sorry, will you forgive me?” (Eph. 4:32).
  
• Deal with your own sins first before dealing with your mate's (Gal. 6:1).
  

4. Publicly

• Keep confidential matters confidential.
  
• Never criticize your spouse in public or in front of others.
  
• Guard the way you dress; check your motives and your judgment.
  

5. Parentally

• Set up disciplinary policies jointly and stick to them (Eph. 6:1-4).
  
• Do not argue about discipline in front of the children.
  
• Be loving and always restore fellowship after discipline.
  
• Discipline in a manner that is appropriate to the child's action, age, and maturity.
  

6. Financially

• Set up financial priorities jointly and stick to them.
  
• Remember, no one is entitled to a superior status just because one earns the money to pay the rent and buy the groceries. Keeping the house clean and guiding the home front efficiently is just as important and just as worthy of appreciation and praise.
  
• All who share in the labor to maintain the family ought to share in everything the family earns or produces.
  

7. Relationally

• Take each other seriously but not too seriously.
  
• Nurture each other (Eph. 5:29-30).
  
• Set up a problem-solving strategy.
  
• Be respectful and courteous at all times. Treat your mate like a good friend.
  
• Spend time with your spouse and family (both quality and quantity).
  
• Make room for intimacy and affection without pushing for sex. (Guys, are you paying attention?)
  
• Treat each other as equals because you are.
  
• Be honest with each other; always speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).
  
• Give your spouse practical and relational priority in all aspects of your life.
  
• Be slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen (James 1:19).
  
• Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Eph. 4:29).
  
• Never stop caring about pleasing your spouse (Phil. 2:3-4).
  
• Seek unity and do not feel threatened by disagreement (Phil. 2:2).
  
• Honor each other's rights and needs.
  
• Do not impose your will on the other. Be peaceful and kind and use persuasion, not coercion.
  
• Seek to be each other's best friend.
  
• Try to deal with facts rather than feelings.
  
• Minister to rather than manipulate each other.
  
• Put your spouse before all others including the children.
  
• Honor the Creator's structure for marriage (Eph. 5:21-33).
  
• Be approachable, teachable, and correctable (even by, and especially by, your spouse).
  
• Do not try to control everything.
  
• Confront each other with tenderness, compassion, and loving concern, and take pains not to exasperate your spouse.
  
• Be willing to sacrifice for your loved ones.
  
• Do not neglect your responsibility to provide for your own.
  
• Be willing to communicate and to listen.
  
• Despise divorce and determine it will never be an option.
  
• Eat as many meals with one another as possible.
  
• Whenever possible, postpone doing things you want to do for yourself to the times when your spouse is busy with other things.
  
• Do not stop trying to make time for your spouse just because it seems so impossible to do so.
  

Chapter 2

The Power of Praising
your Partner

THE SONG OF SONGS 1:9–14

In their outstanding book
The Gift of the Blessing,
Gary Smalley and John Trent give us some biblical and practical tips on how we can
bless
rather than
curse
those we love. When it comes to marriage and our mate, their counsel is crucial and invaluable. They write:

God has put us together in such a way that we have emotional and physical needs that can only be met by affirmation, acceptance as to intrinsic worth, encouragement, and unconditional love. We all have the desire and need to receive “the blessing” from others. Others include our heavenly Father but it should also include our spouse. Neither is to be excluded if we are to receive true holistic blessings.

The essential elements of the blessings include five things:

1. A meaningful touch
—This includes hand-holding, hugging, kissing, and all types of bodily contact that have the purpose of communicating love and affection.

2.
A spoken word
—This element can demonstrate love and a sense of worth by the time involved, and the message(s) delivered. Its repetitive nature is crucial.

3.
Expression of high value
—This involves our passing along a message to others that affirms their intrinsic worth and value as a person. Praising them as valuable is the key idea.

4.
Picturing a special future
—This is the uniquely prophetic aspect of the blessing. What do our words tell others we believe the future holds for them? How do our present descriptions (nicknames) of others lay the foundation for future attitudes and actions on their part? How often it is that children fulfill the earlier expectations and predictions of a parent and friends, for good or bad. Positive words of encouragement as to future possibilities are those that will bless rather than curse.

5.
An active commitment to see the blessing come to pass
—This characteristic is both God-ward and man-ward. Godwardly, we are to commit others to His blessing and will. Manwardly, we are personally to make the commitment to spend whatever time, energy and resources necessary to bless others.
¹

When I examine Gary and John's list, I discover that blessing others involves both what I say and what I do. Words are important. Actions matter. Further, what I say and do cannot be occasional. They must be constant. They also must be specific, sacrificial, and even sensual. Now you might ask, where did you get these ideas, especially the last one? The answer is found in Song of Songs 1:9–14 where Solomon tells us, “There is power in praising your partner.” Here we see important and essential aspects of how to praise, how to bless our partner.

I compare you, my darling,
      
to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.
Your cheeks are beautiful with jewelry—
      
your neck with its necklace. (vv. 9–10)

BE SPECIFIC IN YOUR PRAISE (VV. 9–10)

Verse 9 shifts the scene from the simple world of the shepherd to the splendid world of the Egyptian Pharaoh. Solomon is aware of Shulammite's ambivalence and insecurity about her appearance and his absence (vv. 5–8). His spousal antenna is active, and it is picking up signals. She needs him to bless her, to affirm her, to tell her she's the best. That is exactly what he does.

TELL HER SHE IS SPECIAL (V. 9)

Solomon begins by calling her “my darling” (the NKJV has “my love”). This is the first but not the last time Solomon will address her in this way (cf. 1:15, 2:2, 10, 13; 4:1, 7; 5:2; 6:4). Repeatedly (nine times!) Solomon tells her of his love. Unlike her brothers who hurt her in verse 6, Solomon will treat her with TLC. He will be her provider and protector, her lover and friend. She is his love.

Solomon then does something that, if a man in America were to do this in our day, he would probably find himself in a hole from which he would never extricate himself. He compares his lover to a horse! Specifically, he says you are like “a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.” We are stunned by such a statement. She, however, would have been greatly honored. Pharaoh's chariots were pulled by stallions. A mare among them would have caused quite a commotion. She is likened to an only female in a world of males! What incredible value. She is, in his estimation, utterly priceless. She is desired not just by him but also by others. Yet he is the fortunate one who has captured her heart. She is unique; she is special.

TELL HER SHE IS BEAUTIFUL (V. 10)

Solomon now focuses on one of the areas of her insecurity: her looks. Her “cheeks” are lovely, beautiful. They are enhanced with the dangling earrings, the ornaments and jewelry that grace them. Her “neck” is also beautiful “with its necklace.” She is regal and impressive. A stately dignity emanates from her person. The bridles of chariot horses were often decorated in beautiful and elaborate jewelry and Solomon may still have the image of the lovely mare in mind. However, by now it is in the back of his mind as he gazes upon the beauty of his love. Her adornments do not detract but enhance her appearance. Solomon is not looking at some “overdressed glittering Christmas tree.”
²
There is nothing extravagant or excessive about her. A simple beauty is perhaps the best beauty. In Solomon's opinion she has no equal, and he tells her so.

Words are powerful weapons. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names or words can never hurt me” is not true.I have a scar over my eye where my cousin hit me in the eye with a baseball bat when I was a small boy. I have another scar on my right ear where my brother body-slammed me on a marble coffee table one day when we were wrestling. Mom, of course, was gone somewhere, thank goodness. I have yet another scar right under my chin where a friend (I think!) rammed his football helmet while we played “bull-in-the-ring” before a big game one Friday night. Now let me tell you, all three of those events inflicted serious pain on my person. They hurt! However, none of the three wounded me as badly as have some words that have been fired at me at different times in my life.