Go Deep (8 page)

She tried a little laugh. “Where did all that stuff come
from?”

He gave her a sharp look. “That stuff?”

“I mean, you know. The…tying up and everything. What is that
called? Bondage? S and M? Where’d you come up with all that?”

“Don’t play games, Beth.” He fixed her with a stern look, as
if she were one of his players. “It’s not about names or labels. It’s about you
and me. What we want.”

There he went again, talking about “want”. Was he going to
try to pin her down again? “Right now I want a shower. Got that in your bag of
tricks?”

“No tricks, Beth.” Scowling, he braced himself over her,
trapping her between his strong arms. “Just the truth.”

His intent expression made her swallow hard.

“Don’t try to laugh this off. I can’t go back to how things
were. Living together but in different worlds. I never know what you’re
thinking or what you need. You never tell me what you really want. How can I
make you happy if I don’t know?”

She bit her lip. “But, Gavin, you do make me happy.”

“That’s a lie. I’m not falling for it. And I’m not telling
any more lies myself. If we hadn’t done this,” he jerked his head at the cabin,
“maybe I could go back to that limbo marriage of ours. I was being patient
because you were grieving. But not anymore. Not now that I’ve seen what’s
inside you.”

A hot flush pricked her cheeks. She’d shown him more than
any other human being had ever seen. And she’d liked it. More than that. She’d
loved it. Truth was, she didn’t want to go back either.

“There isn’t a problem, Gavin. I don’t mind doing this
again. In fact, I want to do it again. It was…you were…amazing.” She put her
hand on his hard thigh. The little black hairs felt silky to her touch. Really,
she wouldn’t mind doing that exact same thing all over again. Images of the boa
skimmed through her mind. The way he’d felt ramming into her from behind. The
way he’d held her hips so tight. The way he’d bent her to his will, made her
give him everything. She hadn’t held anything back.

He shook off her hand. “Oh no, sweetheart. You’re not
getting off that easy.”

“What do you mean?”

“This was
my
fantasy. I’ve wanted to tie you up and
make you scream for mercy for a very long time. Ever since the gas station. You
looked up at me with those smoky green eyes, all dreamy, head in the clouds,
and I wanted you to think about me. Only me. I wanted to chase everything else
out of your head while I drove you over the edge.”

His forcefulness took her breath away. “I-I did. I mean,
didn’t. It was exactly how you say.”

“Yes. But now I want more.”

She shook her head, confused.

“I want the same thing from you. I showed you what I wanted.
What do you want? What gets your wheels turning? What gets you hot and itchy and
wet between the legs? What do you picture in your mind while we’re making love
in the dark, under the covers? What do you see when you touch yourself?”

The memory of her mother’s face that time she’d gotten
caught scorched across her vision.

“I don’t do that. My mother forbid it.”

“Forbid it?”

“She caught me once.”

“Ouch.” He lifted one hand and brushed her damp hair from
her face. “Sounds traumatic.”

“You could say that.”

His voice gentled. “Thanks for telling me. Beth, I know what
a good girl you were, for your mother’s sake. So you didn’t masturbate. But
what about your head? She couldn’t read your mind. I bet all that wild
sexuality went right into your imagination.”

She hid her face in the quilt, bunching the cloth to block
his voice. It didn’t work. Fierce and steady, his words penetrated.

“You like to keep your secrets close. Well, I want them,
Beth. I want your secrets. Your secret desires. I want you to know there’s
nothing wrong with them. But it’s up to you. I can’t make you give them up.”

He paused and she relaxed. What he said was true, after all.
He couldn’t
make
her do anything. It was her choice, what she kept to
herself and what she shared.

Then he finished. “But I can’t go back.”

Chapter Eight

When Beth was growing up, no one had ever guessed how much
she fantasized about Gavin Thomason. Especially her mother, who considered
Gavin one step above a caveman. When Beth was fourteen, Judy Vale had caught
her staring longingly at Gavin while he helped her into a pair of bowling shoes
during his after-school job.

“Dead end walking,” Judy had said in her most cutting tone.
“You know what that means? He looks like he has the world at his feet, but
he’ll never leave this town, never do anything with his life besides guzzle
beer and lose his teeth at the hockey rink.”

Her mother had gotten that wrong. Gavin had all his teeth,
he rarely drank and he was one of North Pole’s biggest success stories. He’d
turned his family business into a powerhouse and stayed loyal to his hometown,
which was why Beth had run into him once she’d returned to North Pole to take
care of her mother. Her mother had been difficult enough when healthy. Cancer
made her even more bitter and impossible.

Beth had been at the end of her rope when she’d stopped at
the Gas ’n’ Go. Her mother’s latest outrageous verbal attack kept running
through her mind as she filled up her tank. She lost all track of where she
was, so when a strong hand took the pump from her hand, she didn’t object. She
blinked at the gas overflowing her tank, then up at the man towering over her.

Gavin Thomason looked every bit as big and dark and
masculine as she remembered, with new lines bracketing his mouth and a scar
across his neck.

“It’s best to keep the gas in the tank,” he said mildly.
“Hey, I remember you. Beth Vale, right?”

He knew her name. She dropped the gas cap in the puddle of
gas. Then burst into tears.

Gavin had taken her to a nearby Terra Bella coffee shop and
patiently listened to her sobbing semi-rant about her mother. She’d never
complained to anyone about her mother before. There hadn’t been anyone to
complain to. And Gavin seemed to know she loved her mother no matter how mean
the pain made her.

She was sure she’d never see him again. Why would he ever
want to come near a hysterical basket case like her again? She vowed that if
she ever got another chance, she’d be charming and sophisticated and…normal.

Two days later, he called to check in on her and ask her to
dinner.

Ironically, Gavin had saved her sanity during that time,
even though Judy Vale had been appalled by his reappearance in Beth’s life.
She’d mellowed once Gavin had proved his usefulness by driving her to the
doctor when Beth couldn’t and showing up with forbidden ice cream now and then.
But she’d cast a shadow over Beth and Gavin’s entire relationship. They’d
planned everything around her, waiting until the fight had left her to share
news of their engagement, then another six months after she died to get
married.

Beth could scarcely believe a man like Gavin would want to
be with her, but she was so crazy in love with him, she’d do anything to be
with him. All she had to do was play a part, as she had her whole life. She’d
been her mother’s obedient, respectful child. Then she’d been Gavin Thomason’s
perfect, poised wife.

Except apparently that wasn’t what Gavin wanted.

The little cabin no longer felt cozy and safe to Beth. It
felt like a prison or maybe an interrogation room. Yes, that was it. Beth
stared at the ceiling as Gavin snored gently next to her. Why not just hang
spotlights on the ceiling, the kind that could shine right into her brain? Why
not bring in some detectives?

Beth Vale Thomason, the evidence proves that you’ve been
hiding deviant urges behind that innocent façade. It’s time to come clean. What
dirty, shameful thoughts have you been keeping secret? What’s this? A
photograph? Explain why you can’t forget this photo. Is it the collar around
the woman’s neck? The way her hands are cuffed behind her? The man’s hand on
her ass? Or is it the other man, the one watching in the shadows? Watching as
she exposes her naked body?

Then the voice shifted to that of her mother at her most
harsh.

You’re supposed to be such a good girl. What is wrong
with you? Is this how I raised you? To be a nasty, dirty girl with no morals?
Letting a man treat you like some kind of sex doll?

Beth decided that accusation deserved an answer.
But he’s
my husband. We’re two consenting adults.

You’re nasty.

Sex isn’t nasty. It’s natural.

Not that kind of sex. You should be ashamed.

Beth sat up with a jerk. Maybe Judy Vale hadn’t liked sex.
After Beth’s father had left, she’d never dated another man. Never recovered.
Maybe she’d hated men. “I’m not like you, Mom,” she whispered. “I can’t be. I
don’t want to be.”

She looked over at her sleeping husband. Gavin looked like a
boy who had conked out after a long day of playing—one leg stretched out
straight, the other bent at the knee. A wicked scar laced his thigh. It matched
the scar on his neck. A car accident after high school had nearly killed him.
Surgery had saved his life, but not his slot on a minor league hockey team. Yet
he’d never sounded bitter about it.

“I learned a good lesson. You can make all the plans you
want, but you don’t have the final say in what happens. I teach that to my
players, and that’s how I live my life too. You gotta roll with the punches.”

If only her mother had learned that lesson. Rolled with the
punches. Given some other man a chance.

Restlessly, Beth crawled out of bed and stumbled to the pile
of clothes on the floor. She needed to get out of here, get away from the ghost
she’d unintentionally invoked. But all her clothes were back at the lodge. No
way was she going to put on that corset again and traipse through town by
herself.

But Gavin had thought of everything. On impulse, she opened
the top dresser drawer and found her favorite cream-colored cable-knit sweater,
red snow pants, fleece jacket and wool hat. Bless him.

Quietly she pulled on the clothes and let herself out of the
cabin. The deep blue of the oncoming dawn whispered a cold greeting as she
closed the door behind her. An absolute stillness gripped the town, as if it
had been frozen inside a block of ice overnight. Nothing moved, not a raven,
not a snowshoe hare, not a moose out for an early morning snack, not a single
twig on a spruce.

The crunch of her footsteps down the path barely disturbed
the hush. The silence closed behind her as she went. A feeling of awe gripped
her. How fortunate she was to share this moment with the quiet snow and the
watchful spruce. The cold air brushed against her cheeks and made her feel
washed clean.

The ghostly voice of her mother disappeared. This pure,
predawn world held no room for bitterness. No past, no future, just the
glorious now.

She found herself heading for the only place in Wild she
knew—the lake. It would be the perfect place to be alone, to watch the weak
winter sun make its way above the mountains.

But two people had beaten her to the lake. A man and a woman
twirled slow circles around each other. The woman’s long black hair flew behind
her. The man, whose blond hair gleamed beneath his fur-lined hat, had eyes for
nothing but her. They glided across the frosted surface like birds in flight.

She walked to the edge of the lake and watched them. The
quiet
swish-swish
of their skates floated across the ice. The sound
reminded her of Gavin.

Gavin, who wanted something from her she wasn’t sure she
could give.

“That’s Lars and Katia,” said a voice next to her. Eagle
stood beside her, watching the pair. Somehow she wasn’t surprised to see him
here. Maybe she’d even wanted to see him.

“They’re beautiful.”

“They just got engaged.”

She looked at them again, how wrapped up in each other they
were. “I bet they’ll be really happy together.”

“They will.” He sounded so certain that she gave him a
closer look. A secretive smile quirked his lips.

“How do you know?”

“Let’s just say I know them both very well.”

That sounded mysterious. They watched the skating couple in
silence for a moment. “You’re up early.”

“Never went to sleep. I don’t sleep much during Wild
Nights.”

“Really,” said Beth faintly. If she started imagining all
the ways he might have spent the night, she might melt a hole through the ice.
He was such a sensual man, with those knowing eyes that seemed to look right
into her.

“What’d you do last night?”

“Oh, nothing much.”

“Liar,” said Eagle, without any heat to it.

“Yeah,” she found herself agreeing. Quiet fell again. Lars
and Katia swooped past. Beth caught a glimpse of Katia’s glowing face, pink
from exertion, alive with joy. She had a wild look about her, like someone who
was the life of the party, the center of attention, always laughing and
flirting, always enjoying themselves. Never holding anything back. Someone
totally different from her. Beth let out a deep sigh.

“It took awhile for Katia to say yes,” said Eagle. “Lars had
to go all-out to bring her around.”

She shifted her attention to Lars. Blond and rugged, he
moved across the ice with the swift confidence of a natural athlete. “Is he a
hockey player?”

“No. Biathlon. Went to the Olympics. Local hero. Great guy.”

“Why didn’t Katia want to marry him?”

“Oh, she wanted to. But she didn’t trust herself.”

“Trust herself?” Beth puzzled over that. “Trust herself to
do what?”

“Come on, let’s go.” He tugged her arm. Without hesitating,
she followed him down a path along the edge of the lake. The first rays of the
sun glinted through a stand of spruce on the far side of the lake.