Gloria (22 page)

‘Yu don’t need to be doing that yu know. Nobody trying to put yu outta here. Sister Margaret going find yu somewhere. Yu just have to bear wid her.’

She look at me. ‘Who going want me? I ugly and foolish. I good for nothing. I cyan even boil the pot right or mek a even stitch.’

Sure enough Hyacinth got a harelip and she have a lot to learn. But she not ugly as such and she not stupid.

‘Sister Margaret know plenty people that would be happy to take in a girl that is honest and hard-working and kind to others. A girl just like you.’

She don’t say nothing for a while and then she say, ‘Yu mean as a domestic?’

‘It not like that. They care for yu. Put a roof over yu head. Yu part a the family. And just like in any family yu help. Yu contribute.’ I pause and then I say, ‘A good Christian family, Hyacinth. Yu been here long enough to see other girls go to good homes. Someone will want yu.’

‘Nobody ever wanted me. Not even my own mother.’

I think about Auntie and then I say, ‘The road can be hard sometimes, but it is a journey yu on. A journey that have its twists and turns. But believe me Hyacinth when I tell yu, the road has an end. A happy end if yu can stop yuself from thinking that there is only one way for you. Yu not good for nothing. Yu good for everything and yu don’t need to be doing nothing in nuh backroom or anywhere else to bring yuself more heartache. Somebody else started you on that road but now what yu have to do is make that journey yu own. And I know because I been down that same road myself. And just like me yu will meet people who help yu and right now that is Sister Margaret. So just trust her and give it time. And meanwhile, know that we want you. We want yu enough to send the police to find yu and bring yu home.’

And she just get up and throw herself into my arms and cry.

When I get back to the house I find Auntie in a mood. She banging and crashing the pans in the kitchen just like she used to in that dark little room at Back-O-Wall. So I go in there and lean on the doorpost and say to her, ‘Something happen?’

‘Something happen? What yu think happen?’

‘I don’t know, Auntie. That is why I am asking you.’

She never even bother to look at me. She just carry on washing and rinsing the same dishes over and over. Then she say, ‘He been here yu know.’

‘Who?’

‘Who yu think? Yang Pao.’

‘So what he want?’

‘What he want? Yu asking me? All I know is he come here talking to me like I am some maid. The hired domestic. That is what. Asking me fi ice water and meking himself familiar with Esther. At least when yu here he focus himself on you.’

‘What yu mean familiar?’

‘Come ask how she doing and how she a get along wid me. If I treat her good. Di man too faass and facety.’

‘He her father, Auntie. What yu expect?’

‘Expect? Me?’ She dry her hands on the cloth. ‘Who he think I am?’

‘Who yu want him to think yu are?’

She really vex now, standing there with the pan in her hand like what she want to do more than anything is throw it at me. So I calm myself and I say to her, ‘Mama tell me yu know. When Esther born and she come from country. She tell me.’

‘What she tell yu?’

‘That yu my real mama.’

‘She tell yu that?’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘What else she tell yu?’

‘Nothing. She say it between you and me.’

And just when I think she going say something meaningful to me she tek off her apron and throw it down on the counter and walk off. So I follow her into her bedroom where she sitting in the armchair making like she doing her mending.

‘Yu nuh think maybe it time we talk?’

‘Talk? When we going do that? Everyday yu busy-busy go-a Franklyn Town ’bout yu business or downtown wiping the runny nose a dem pickney mother. Like deh not got enough people waiting on dem hand and foot and telling dem it OK. Who yu think was there to help me? I will tell yu. Nobody. That was who. Just me, you and nobody.’

‘Auntie, I know it musta been hard.’

‘Hard? Hard? You got no idea what hard is. All yu do is run ’round town while I am here tending to little Esther all day long. And if that not enough, yu know what she say to me today? She say, “You are not my mommy.” That is what she say when I was telling her to behave herself.’

And then I see the tear in her eye that she quickly wipe away and act like nothing happen.

‘I bring yu from country because I reckon I could mek yu a life away from all di misery back there. But yu got no idea what it like for a woman to be trying to mek a living wid a pickney strap to her back. No idea. And living in dat yard in Back-O-Wall when what I was used to was di open sky wid orange and mango trees, and di breadfruit and ackee and pear yu could reach for to mek something to fill yu belly. Wid not a soul to talk to, and di men a prowl ’round because yu young and already got a chile so deh think yu must be easy.’

I sit on the edge of the bed.

‘Auntie, I sorry what happen today.’

‘So I tek yu to Esther and I leave yu. She was my best friend from when we young. Di only person in dis world I could turn to. And I write her every week so she could tell me how yu gwaan even though my reading and writing not so good. Every week I put down a few words to mek sure she write back and tell me something.’

She stop a while and then she say, ‘It wasn’t hard fi yu because yu didn’t know nothing ’bout it. It was hard fi me. That is who it was hard fah.’

I reckon there not much point trying to talk to her while she this way so I get up and go over like as to give her a hug but she don’t want it. And then I hear Esther crying.

‘Yu see now, di baby wake up and I only put her down just before yu come in.’ And just as she resting the blouse and needle on the table I say, ‘I will get her.’

But it not me that Esther want. It Auntie. And even though I got her in my arms trying to hush her tears she reaching over my shoulder for ‘Gang-gang’. Next thing I know Auntie standing behind me with the baby pillow from Esther’s cot.

‘Yu nuh think she too old for that?’

‘It the only thing that comfort her, Gloria.’

Esther tek the pillow and press it to her chest. Then she grab the corner in her fist and stick her thumb in her mouth while she rub her nose with the pointed end of the pillowcase. And just so, she stop crying. Still hanging there in my arms lighter than yu would expect for a healthy four-year-old.

When I talk to Sybil ’bout it she say I should have more trust in myself.

‘A child always love their mother. Yu nuh know that? No matter how bad that mother gwaan. Even the day I go back to Trench Town to see my own mother it was because I still love her. After everything. And when I turn ’round and walk off it wasn’t because I didn’t love no more. It was because I thought she didn’t love me. Auntie not cutting ’cross nothing. So yu nuh need worry yuself ’bout how Esther feel. What yu need to do is understand that she is your child and you are her mother. And nothing in this world is going to change that. That bond not like a brittle piece a stick that going to break in your hand. And as for the other thing that I know playing on your mind, being a whore don’t mek yu a bad mother. Being a bad mother is what mek yu a bad mother. So have faith, Gloria Campbell. Whatever failings yu think yu have because of the wounds of your past. It nuh matter. Yu a righteous woman. So smile at the present and know that your love is good enough for the child.’

Esther tek the pillowcase with her the day she start kindergarten, even though she mek a commotion to tek the whole pillow and we have to explain to her that she too big for that. So she mek do with just the case.

Me and Auntie stand there at the door of Holy Childhood and wave goodbye to her like we didn’t expect to ever see her again. Like she was going to be lost to us for ever. It remind me of the day I leave Marcia in service at that house in Cross Roads. And then I wonder how Auntie musta feel the day she leave me with Mama and if I knew, little as I was, that this was my real mother walking away from me.

But little Esther wasn’t lost to us because four hours later she was running ’cross the schoolroom with her arms outstretched. And it was me she run to. Like she didn’t expect to see me. Me who sweep her up in my arms. Me she want to tell ’bout all her new adventures. And after I put her down she take my hand on one side and Auntie’s on the other and walk to the street to catch the cab.

1960

‘From the land where palm trees grow.’

CHAPTER 21

Sybil transfix with Cuba. All we hear from her is how the fighting going on over there, and how Castro come outta prison and go to Mexico and come back with a boat full a soldiers to go really start the revolution in earnest.

I say to her, ‘Yu nuh think all this talk ’bout Cuba a waste a time?’

‘Waste a time? They showing us the way. That is what they are doing.’

‘The way to what? It not like we got a dictator slaughtering innocent people in the street and need another Paul Bogle to come set things right. The sufferers not suffering so much as to go tek up armed struggle.’

But Sybil not paying me no mind. All she can say is how everything going to be different over there.

So when Castro finally tek over she was rejoicing like there was no tomorrow. She even throw a party over the house in Franklyn Town and invite a whole heapa people I never see before. Some of them were part of the Party faithful that was for sure. But the others God knows, because I couldn’t begin to imagine where she know them from. She never tell nobody what she was celebrating though. Probably if she did, some a them wouldn’t have come because the Party already divided with this one accusing the other one of being a communist and arguing over who is rank and who is file. So it was just a case of come eat my food and drink my liquor and dance to my music. Still, it no matter. Sybil knew what was in her heart, and she had her party and everybody had themselves a damn good time.

Me, I could see her point because Esther growing and it as clear as day that, whatever the government got to say, Jamaica not changing fast enough to give her a chance to have the dreams and ambitions that is the right of every woman.

Six months later Sybil tell me the East Kingston PNP setting up a women’s group and she want me to join. But going to some school room to argue about what the Party doing or what it ought to do, even with a group of women, wasn’t for me.

Still, it seem the group do good because a little while after that she say she running a big, open meeting and want me to come.

‘What would mek me want to do a thing like that?’

‘Because yu care, Gloria. Yu care ’bout the girls down Margaret Morrison’s place and yu care ’bout what kinda future Esther going to have. And I think yu care enough to want to help mek something different.’

So I go to East Kingston. When I get there the school room got the seating arrange in a big circle. It look like they expecting a good few. The wooden chairs for little children so yu have to squat down to fix yuself in it, but it fine. They got coffee and ice water so I tek some and wait while people settling themselves and a hefty woman in a bright floral frock is going ’round welcoming everybody and saying how excited she is to see so many turning out.

Next thing I see is Sybil. She waltz into the room in a flurry with two other women trailing after her. She really in charge the serious way she calling the meeting to order and inviting everybody to sit down and give her their attention. When she notice me in the crowd, her eyes light up. It like she genuinely pleased to see me. Maybe because she wasn’t sure whether or not I would come. So now she is striding ’cross the room with her arms hold out like she preparing for a big embrace. And when she get to me, she do it, she hug me. A big, warm, full arms-round-yu-body hug like she never do before in all the long years we know each other.

She ease back and look at me and then she say, ‘It good to see yu mek the journey.’ She carry on stare at me with her hands steadying my shoulders and then she let me go and turn ’round and walk off.

The meeting all about how the PNP working to improve education and the quality of life for children and families especially the poorest in Jamaica so they can have different economic choices, and understand their history and identity and destiny.

It remind me of all those hours I spend sitting at that kitchen table in Franklyn Town listening to her spout forth with the cigarette smoke wafting ’round her head. Excepting this time she not got a audience of four, it more like a audience of forty. And the speech she giving not just coming from her and the sense she mek of what she see. It coming from the Party and I know that because I never hear Sybil use no words like economic choice before. This was a whole new thing. And what give it away completely was when she start talk ’bout destiny because that is what Mr Manley was always talking ’bout. It put me in mind of all those girls over Margaret Morrison’s place and I know Sybil right. You have to learn to read and write and get yourself a education.

Sybil pause and tek a drink of water and then she say, ‘What I want you to understand is the invaluable contribution that women have to make. That is because women have the patience and love to sit down with somebody, be it a child or a grown woman or man, and give them the attention and confidence they need to learn to do something like read.