Glittering Images (59 page)

‘Clever Dr Romaine! And while we’re on the subject of his shrewdness I must confess I thought he made some interesting comments on the Starbridge mystery. Ought we to have a quick word about Lyle, do you think, before you leave?’

He had realized that since my parents were under control and Romaine had been safely dispatched to Starvale St James, the Starbridge mystery was now grinding back into the forefront of my mind.

Leaning forward I put my three parents behind me at last and prepared to tackle the next stage of my ordeal.

‘I know I want to marry her,’ I said. ‘I knew for certain when we met in the Cathedral. There’s genuine feeling on both sides, and I’m sure that when we next meet she’ll tell me exactly what’s going on.’

‘Will she? I wonder. The whole problem is riddled with the most serious difficulties, and before you make your final circuit of the Starbridge mulberry bush it’s vital that you understand what those difficulties are. Can you come back and see me tomorrow?’

But I could not. My calendar was beginning to fill as the new term approached, and I was also burdened by my duties as Canon in Residence.

After we had agreed to meet on Wednesday evening Darrow said, ‘Now be frank with me: are you tempted to rush off to Starbridge – or at the very least to telephone Lyle without delay?’

‘I suppose the only honest answer to both those questions is yes. I know I threw her that lifeline and since she hasn’t used it I can assume there’s no crisis, but nevertheless I’m so very worried about her, and I was wondering –’ I hesitated but was unable to stop myself concluding, ‘I was wondering if you could see anything. Can you look across at Starbridge with your mind and –’

Darrow said severely, ‘Charles, you’ll treat me as a priest, if you please, and not as a charlatan in a fortune-teller’s booth on some seaside pier.’

‘I’m sorry, but sometimes I feel so tormented –’

‘Yes, don’t think I don’t understand how difficult this waiting is for you.’ He took pity on me. ‘If I knew what was going on I’d tell you,’ he said, ‘but my powers are in many respects very limited. I’ve a certain flair for picking up impressions from someone I can see, but I’ve never been much good at long-range intuition unless the other person in the psychic conversation is emotionally close to me.’

‘Do you ever see the future?’

‘Yes, but there are many futures and not all of them come true.’ He leant forward on the table as if he wanted to reach out to ease my torment. ‘On Wednesday we’ll picture the futures,’ he said, ‘and meanwhile try not to put yourself on the rack by picturing the present. Remember that you could be seeing the wrong picture, and even if it happened to be the right one you’d be unable to erase it. But the future is a different matter. You can draw a picture, erase it and draw another. What I’d like to do is to help you draw several pictures so that you can have a comprehensive insight into what may happen.’ He stood up to close the interview. ‘You’ve recently found the strength to endure the present by re-examining the past, Charles, but now that the past has been reviewed and reassembled, it’s time to endure the present by viewing and assembling the future. And once that’s been done, past, present and future will be set free to converge and the result will be the solution of the Starbridge mystery – although the solution may be a mystery in itself, leading to other mysteries, because as I said to you once the mysteries of life are rarely capable of clear-cut solutions … But I must stop talking like a mystic or – God forbid! – like a charlatan on a seaside pier, and urge you, as I must, to have faith in your gathering strength and above all to trust in God who alone can repel the demon of anxiety which is now tormenting you … Let me say a prayer now to help you in this ordeal, and afterwards I’ll give you my blessing.’

My torment was eased. Minutes later I was driving back to Cambridge, but long before I reached my rooms at Laud’s I found I was strong enough to face the possible futures which lay waiting for me.

‘First of all,’ said Darrow when we met two days later, ‘I want to remind you of the four major reasons why you shouldn’t go cantering off immediately to Starbridge on the nearest white horse to rescue your damsel in distress.’

‘Four major …’

‘Yes, I did wonder if you’d managed to count them all. Now Charles, it’s not enough to say grandly that you want to marry this woman. You must give me a competent analysis of the situation to prove you know exactly what you’re doing.’

I was immediately determined to demonstrate the rational equilibrium which he himself had helped me acquire. ‘I mustn’t rush off to Starbridge,’ I said, ‘first of all because we haven’t yet reached that date you set at the end of the month. In other words, I’m still too close to the disaster at the palace and I should wait a little longer to ensure that I can see Lyle without illusion.’

‘Good.’

‘This applies even though I’m now convinced, since the meeting in the Cathedral, that my feelings are based on reality and that I want to marry her.’

‘Even better. Go on. Reason number two?’

‘She’s a mature adult of thirty-five. I can’t charge into her life uninvited – especially as she’s asked me not to do so. I must stick to my plan to have a discreet meeting at the end of the month and trust her to phone me if she needs help before that.’

‘Well done. Go on to reason number three.’

‘I’m stumped. So much for my competent analysis.’

‘Let me put the question more specifically: why is it so important that you should allow Lyle every opportunity to end the
ménage
without your active intervention?’

‘I might make a bad mess if I intervened.’

‘True, but I was thinking of a more distant future. Supposing you and Lyle marry but things go wrong between you. Then she could always turn around and say, “You drove me into leaving when I didn’t really want to go.”’ Seeing my expression as this glimpse of an unpalatable future was revealed he added swiftly: ‘We’ll come to the possible marital difficulties later. Now what’s the fourth major reason why you mustn’t go cantering off to Starbridge on the nearest white horse?’

‘I’m sorry, I’m completely failing this test –’

‘No, you got the first two reasons right, but they relate only to the present. Think of the future; you may in spite of everything find you don’t want to marry her – yes, I know that’s unlikely but you must face the fact that it’s still a possibility, and if you intervene actively now in the Starbridge
ménage
you’re going to find marriage virtually impossible to avoid. Let me just clarify my mind on one point: have you ever mentioned marriage to Lyle?’

‘No, but of course she knows that’s what I want.’

‘Yet you’re not hopelessly compromised and if the worst came to the worst you could still back away.’

‘Yes, but –’

‘I know you think I’m being perverse, Charles, but the truth is you don’t know yet which way this mystery’s going to break, and if the worst comes to the worst it may well break in a way which would make the idea of marriage to Lyle untenable.’

‘You think it would be untenable if I found out she was Jardine’s mistress?’

‘Let’s hear your views, not mine.’

I was silent for a moment before saying, ‘I could cope with that if I was convinced the affair was over. I wouldn’t hold the immorality against her because I’m sure she wouldn’t have slept with him unless she’d honestly believed she was his wife. She’d be like someone who married a bigamist in all good faith.’

‘That’s a fair judgement. Very well, you’re not going to recoil if you find out she’s been fooled into adultery. But supposing your plausible theory of the informal marriage is in fact dead wrong. Supposing they’re both apostates, both keeping up the pretence of being good Christians while knowingly committing adultery. What then?’

I said slowly, ‘I couldn’t marry her. Marriage with an apostate would be impossible – there’d be no shared spiritual life – no clergyman could consider it … Of course if she repented and wanted to return to the Church I’d forgive her and do my best to help, but no matter how far I forgave her it would be very debatable whether I should marry someone capable of living for years in adultery and continually abusing the sacrament. For the sake of the Church and my work a devout wife is essential.’

‘In other words, the idea of marrying Lyle would have become untenable. Now I can see you’re thinking that this possibility is too remote to worry about, but are all your problems really solved if she’s a mere innocent victim who genuinely believes she’s Jardine’s wife? You may well picture yourself coasting across calm seas into a golden sunset in those circumstances, Charles, but in fact all manner of storms could be waiting for you. Think hard and see if you can identify these storms one by one.’

I was aware that I was being put to the test again. ‘Jardine’s memory could prove intrusive,’ I suggested cautiously.

‘Yes, that’s a hazard in all cases where the partner’s been married before, of course, and it’s not insuperable but nevertheless it should be considered. Go on.’

‘I think I might be haunted by the secret fear that she was switching horses – backing me because I could ultimately offer her more than Jardine. In other words, I’d be afraid she didn’t love me for myself, and then my fear of rejection might crawl out of the woodwork again.’

‘Good. You’re doing well on this test, Charles. Keep going.’

‘It’s possible that I might always wonder if I knew the full story of that relationship with Jardine, and if I doubted that I’d scraped the whole truth from the bottom of the barrel, I might start to feel insecure.’

‘Excellent.’

‘I’m not sure I can go any further except to point out the obvious fact that somewhere along the line I’d have to deal with Jardine and that could prove a great stumbling-block.’

‘Jardine, I agree, presents appalling problems. We’ll get to him in a moment. Is that really the end of your list of difficulties? So far you haven’t mentioned one of the most crucial problems of all.’

‘Haven’t I?’ I tried not to sound despairing.

‘You’ve been considering the situation entirely from your own point of view, but what about Lyle? Let’s again assume your theory’s true and that she considers Jardine to be her husband. If she leaves him she’s inevitably going to suffer some degree of guilt, no matter how justified she is in ending the liaison. Possibly she’ll also suffer shock and grief – certainly there’ll be a period of considerable emotional difficulty. Now, how is she going to cope with these feelings? How are
you
going to cope with them? How is your marriage going to survive their destructive effects? Charles, I’m not saying this problem’s insuperable but it
is
formidable. You’ve got to be very, very sure you love her and very, very confident of your own emotional and spiritual stamina as you set out to conquer not just this problem but indeed all the problems we’ve so far enumerated.’

He paused to enable me to digest this warning and eventually I said, ‘I’ll have to persuade her that she needs expert counselling. Maybe she’d be better off with an alienist than a nun.’

‘I wonder. The trouble with psycho-analysts is that they can tiptoe around in a patient’s childhood for years without getting anywhere near the spiritual dimension of the problem. I’m still convinced your best hope is to find a nun skilled in counselling who’s been married or who’s survived a long debilitating love affair – or both.’

‘How do I find her?’

Darrow said unexpectedly: ‘I’ll have a look for you. I’m due to pay the Abbot’s annual call soon on the Abbess at Dunton, and when I go I’ll seek her help.’

Conscious of Lyle’s prejudice against nuns I said, ‘It’s a difficult problem.’

‘It is indeed and I’m sorry to burden you with it, but I’m sure you see how important it is that you should look beyond the golden sunset to glimpse what sort of marriage might be waiting for you in the dark below the horizon – if, that is, Lyle agrees to marry you. Another possible future is that she won’t be able to bring herself to do it; she could choose to remain in the
ménage.
’

‘I’d make an intervention if that happened.’

‘If Lyle’s psychologically unable to leave, an intervention would probably be useless. However let’s meet that difficulty when we come to it because it may never happen. What
will
happen is a confrontation between you and Jardine at some stage; I regard that as inevitable.’

‘If I eloped with her I wouldn’t have to see him at all.’

‘He’d want to see you after the wedding.’

‘What for? Surely not to give me his blessing!’

‘Why not? He might see Lyle’s desertion as a punishment from God and visualize converting you into a son-in-law as a form of atonement.’

‘That’s disgusting!’

‘But not impossible, and we’re surveying possible futures. Consider his psychology: I suspect Jardine collects son-figures just as you used to collect father-figures, and that one of the reasons why the two of you got on so well together was that you were each fulfilling the other’s neurotic needs – you were both chasing a father-son relationship. If he now gives his blessing to your marriage he not only atones for any past sin with Lyle and keeps Carrie happy by retaining Lyle in the family; he also permanently acquires a splendid son-figure whom he already likes immensely. And in addition, of course, he acquires the possibility of adopted grandchildren, a possibility which will be equally welcome to Carrie –’