Glittering Images (30 page)

‘Mrs Jardine,’ I said equally firmly as I poured myself a fifth glass of claret, ‘I came down to Starbridge to see Lyle but you and your husband are clearly conspiring to prevent me from having any conversation with her alone. In the circumstances can you wonder that my annoyance is verging on anger and that my good manners are becoming frayed at the edges?’

‘I don’t want to have any conversation with you alone,’ said Lyle, immediately responding to the challenge.

‘Why not? Because you’re afraid you’ll give me another adulterous kiss – like last Saturday’s kiss which kept you from Communion the next morning because you felt you’d betrayed your husband?’

Lyle was speechless but the Bishop at once leant forward to address his wife. ‘It’s all right, Carrie,’ he said. ‘Don’t be alarmed. I’m afraid Dr Ashworth is mentally very disturbed indeed.’

‘You’re damn right I’m disturbed!’ I said, tossing the ‘damn’ into the conversation to smash its normality beyond repair. ‘What’s happening here would disturb anyone!’

‘You’re drunk!’ said Lyle in contempt, and before I could reply Jardine said curtly, ‘Of course he’s drunk. He reeked of whisky when he arrived and he’s been drinking claret as if it were lemonade. Carrie –’

‘Yes, of course, dearest.’ She rose with perfect dignity to her feet. ‘Lyle – shall we?’

We all stood up, I resting my hands lightly on the table to steady myself, Jardine opening the door for the ladies. As Lyle walked away I shouted after her, ‘He’s in error! The divorce is a fantasy, the marriage a lie!’

Lyle swept out followed by Mrs Jardine. Neither of them looked back.

The door closed.

‘Sit down, Dr Ashworth,’ said Jardine abruptly. ‘It’s time you and I had a very serious talk together.’

I never hesitated. I said in fury, ‘You “married” Lyle five years ago just as your father “married” your stepmother. Well, that sort of behaviour might have been excusable in your father who was an eccentric uneducated widower who no doubt sincerely believed he was marrying before God, but
you
! You’re well-educated, subtle, sophisticated – all the things your father never was – and
you were already married
! How can you sit on your episcopal throne and believe that what you’ve done could ever have God’s blessing? You’ve cut off a young woman from a normal married life, you’ve perverted the vows you made at your ordination – no, don’t try to tell
me
she’s your wife! She’s your mistress – and don’t try to tell me you’re divorced either! You’re not divorced, not by the law and not in the eyes of God! You’ve just wrecked Lyle’s life in order to satisfy your own selfish needs!’

I stopped speaking. I was trembling. Grabbing my glass of claret I drained it and reached for the decanter.

‘Sit down, Charles,’ said Jardine in his calmest voice, and as he used my Christian name I knew that like Father Darrow he was using it because he was a senior churchman trying to help one of his younger brethren in distress.

I sat down abruptly. The claret was smooth in my throat. Overcome with emotion I knocked over my glass accidentally as I replaced it on the table, and as the dregs spread in a red stain across the undrawn cloth, I had the bizarre impression that although I was the one who had launched the attack I was the one who was now bleeding.

Jardine said, deeply concerned, ‘Did Father Darrow make no attempt to detain you this morning?’

‘Yes, but I knew I had to come back here to solve the mystery – and I’ve solved it, haven’t I? I’ve finally worked out the truth!’

‘My dear Charles, I’m afraid your truth is a fantasy and you’ve solved absolutely nothing.’

‘That’s a lie!’ I shouted.

‘Try to keep calm. I can’t help you if you persist in being truculent – and believe me, I’m most anxious to help you extricate yourself from this distressing muddle. I presume it was Loretta who told you about my father’s marriage?’

‘How can you call it a marriage! Your stepmother just cohabited with him and then left him to cohabit with you!’

‘I’m sorry, but I can’t permit such a gross distortion of the facts. My stepmother,’ said Jardine, ‘was in a very real sense my father’s wife; certainly they both believed themselves married in the sight of God. It’s true that when I finally found out there had been no legal marriage I took a priggish line – I was at the height of my narrow-minded Anglo-Catholic phase – and I did encourage her to leave him; I thought I was saving her from a life of sin by sanctioning her decision to come to Starmouth to keep house for me. But years later when she decided she had to go back I realized she’d always been as good a wife – as dutiful a wife – to my father as any woman who had been married in church. However since most people find it impossible to regard an informal marriage with charity I strongly object to the facts being circulated. I’m most distressed that Loretta was so indiscreet – and naturally it makes me wonder what on earth went on between the two of you yesterday –’

‘I followed in your footsteps.’ I was having trouble emptying the claret decanter into my glass. ‘We went to the steep field to watch the train go by.’

‘Oh, so you found out about that! Yes, I did go a little farther with her than I admitted to you –’

‘In every sense of the phrase!’

Jardine looked at me carefully. Then he fetched the port decanter from the sideboard and said, ‘I’m not going to offer you this because you’ve had quite enough to drink already, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t take a glass to fortify myself against your fantasies. Now about this sad little incident in the field –’

‘“Sad little incident”? My God, what a way to describe adultery!’

‘
Adultery?
’

‘Don’t you try and deny it!’ I shouted. ‘I had her myself in the same corner of that spinney where she had you!’

Jardine stared at me. Then he walked to the door, glanced out into the hall to make sure no one was listening and closed the door again. ‘Charles,’ he said in his gentlest voice as he returned to the table, ‘I want you to recall Loretta’s words with great care because although people can change very much during the course of two decades I can’t believe she would have changed enough to lie to you on this point. Did she actually say that I’d committed adultery?’

I tried to think. My mind was in chaos, but I had a sickening memory of Loretta saying, ‘You’re going in’, and suddenly I knew she had been neither apprehensive nor dubious but surprised.

‘Of course,’ said Jardine in the voice of one who states the obvious, ‘I never penetrated her. The adultery exists only in your mind, Charles.’

‘I admit some embraces took place,’ said Jardine. ‘I admit my behaviour was thoroughly reprehensible for a clergyman. But there was no consummation. How could there have been? How could I have gone on as a clergyman if adultery had taken place?’

All I managed to say was, ‘I don’t believe you.’ But I did.

‘I wonder how I can make you see that it’s the truth. Perhaps I can make my abstinence more credible if I admit it was due not so much to virtue as to fear, the fear which reflected my horror of waywardness, my horror of ending up like my father. Can’t you see? I was incapable of consummating an adulterous union, Charles, psychologically incapable of it.’

I covered my face with my hands.

At last Jardine said, again using his gentlest voice: ‘And now let me talk about Lyle. I admit that when she entered my house at Radbury ten years ago I was attracted to her – in that tiresome inconvenient manner which is so common among middle-aged men whose marriages have entered an awkward phase. Naturally I told my wife that Lyle would have to go, but Carrie’s nerves were so bad at that time that when she objected I gave way – and not only because I shrank from any course which might have tilted her into a full-scale nervous breakdown; I gave way because I felt Carrie’s objection reinforced my own opinion that Lyle was the heaven-sent solution to our troubles. The situation was desperate. I was spending so much time trying to cope with my wife that I could barely cope with my duties as Dean, but when Lyle came I was set free to serve God properly at last.’

He paused. I had uncovered my eyes but could only stare at the red stain on the table-cloth.

‘I’m sure you see how inevitable my next decision was,’ said Jardine. ‘I realized that if Lyle were to remain in my house I could on no account permit even the faintest trace of impropriety in my manner to her. Impropriety wouldn’t merely have been stupid; it would have been ungrateful to God, who had sent Lyle to us to ease so much of our sadness and difficulty. You may be thinking that this attitude of extreme propriety towards Lyle was hard for me to adopt, and you’d be right; it was. But curiously enough once the attitude had been adopted it was easy to maintain because my marriage became so much more tolerable. Carrie greatly improved, thanks to Lyle’s care, and the result was that we were able to resume our marital relationship after a long interval. That disposed of my last doubts. I knew then it was right that Lyle should stay.’

Again he paused, and as I raised my eyes from the table-cloth to the empty claret decanter I was aware of him sipping his port. ‘However,’ he said, ‘you mustn’t think I haven’t spent a lot of time worrying about Lyle’s welfare. Our triangle would hardly be morally acceptable, would it, if Lyle were unhappy and unfulfilled. But Charles, the point here is that if Lyle really were unhappy and unfulfilled she wouldn’t stay. It’s impossible for me to explain her aversion to matrimony without breaching her confidence so all I can say is that a psychological aversion, rooted in her past, does exist, but nevertheless Carrie and I have both made great efforts to help her overcome this difficulty – for instance, we’ve always encouraged her to go out with young men, and I’m sure you’ll remember that it was I who urged her to dine with you at the Staro Arms. Of course Lyle’s sometimes tempted to indulge in a romantic flutter or two, but the rock-bottom truth is that she likes her life exactly as it is, and if she wishes to remain single she has a perfect right to do so. I quite see that this must be highly frustrating for you, but –’

‘I’m going to marry her!’ I was struggling to overcome the terrifying conviction that every word he said was true. ‘You’re telling me all these lies because you’re jealous, possessive and deeply in love with her yourself!’

‘My dear Charles –’

‘If your wife died you’d marry Lyle tomorrow!’

‘Let’s try and keep this conversation rational, shall we? I admit,’ said Jardine, ‘that when I first met Lyle I told myself I’d marry her if ever I became a widower, but I soon realized one can hardly spend one’s life waiting for one’s wife to die! That way insanity lies. The truth was – and still is – that I’m a married man, I’m a clergyman and I’m stuck with the status quo, but at least it’s a status quo that enables me to serve God to the best of my ability with the support of a loving dutiful wife of whom I’m extremely fond. As I remind myself daily I’m very lucky to have any workable status quo at all, and need I stress that it would be quite unworkable if I hadn’t so far recovered from my initial attraction that I can now regard Lyle with a healthy affection and respect? I think not. The facts speak for themselves. Be reasonable, Charles! I know you’re far from being in a rational frame of mind, but isn’t it patently obvious that there’s nothing improper going on here?’

It was. Yet I found myself quite unable to admit it. I began stubbornly. ‘I think –’ but he interrupted me.

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘this is where we get to you and what you think – and this is where we meet two intractable problems. The first is that you’re at present too drunk even to face your difficulties, let alone grapple with them, and the second is that although you urgently need counselling I’m quite the wrong person to give it to you, I’m part of the crisis, aren’t I?’

I was so incensed that he should call me drunk merely because I had had a little extra claret that I shouted, ‘I don’t want your damned counselling!’ I tried to grab the port decanter but he whipped it away.

‘No,’ he said severely. ‘No more.’

I waited till he had replaced it on the table and then I lunged forward, swiped the decanter from under his nose and began to pour the port into my empty glass.

‘You’re being very foolish,’ said Jardine, ‘but you want attention, don’t you? You’re like a little child who misbehaves in order to get noticed. You say you don’t want my counselling but in fact I suspect that’s exactly what you’re angling for. You’re deep in some private fantasy, and –’

‘You’re
the one who’s deep in some private fantasy if you think you’re deceiving me!’ I was now so enraged that I hardly knew what I said. ‘Do you think I can’t see exactly what’s going on? You’re just fighting tooth and nail to stop your glittering image coming apart at the seams!’

‘No,’ said Jardine, ‘you’re the one who’s fighting that particular battle, and the glittering image is falling apart before my eyes.’ He rose to his feet. ‘Let me call my chauffeur and ask him to drive us over to the monks at Starwater.’

‘I’m not leaving this bloody room,’ I said, ‘until you bloody well admit you’ve been sleeping with Lyle!’

‘Charles, you need help. I can’t give it to you and you absolutely must let me take you to someone who –’

‘You’re not washing your hands of me!’ I shouted. ‘I’m not going to be brushed off, I’m not going to be kicked out, I’m not going to be treated as if –’

‘All right! All right, all right, all right …’ Jardine cast a quick glance at the door to reassure himself it was still closed. ‘You want me to be the one who helps you. Very well. I’ll do what you want, but I do it greatly against my better judgement and only because you’re giving me no choice. Now –’ He drew up his chair in order to sit down at my side ‘– let me try to bring you closer to what I fear will be a very unpalatable reality …’