Giving In: Surrender Trilogy (28 page)

“Get undressed for bed,” he said. “We’ll talk while I’m holding you.”

Relief fluttered through her throat and chest. They were okay. She was okay.

She changed into a pair of pajamas while he stripped down to his boxers. Then he climbed into bed, pulling back the covers and patting the spot beside him.

She went readily, snuggling up against his body. Her self-admonishment from earlier still rang in her mind. It was time to back her words with action. Prove to him that she did trust him. She could start by being more openly affectionate and willing to get close to him without coaxing.

“Now, I want you to listen to me,” he said in a firm voice.

He stroked one hand through her hair and then down her arm. His fingertips lightly grazed her skin, sending chill bumps dancing in their wake.

“Just because my hands were tied to the bed during the act of our lovemaking, and yes, it is lovemaking, doesn’t mean we had mindless sex. You gave me something very precious both times. Your trust.”

“How can you say that when I tied you up both times?” she asked fretfully.

He squeezed her to him with one strong arm. “Because you went through with it. We made beautiful love. I came inside you. That’s as beautiful as it gets, baby.”

She sighed and deeply inhaled his scent, letting it surround and comfort her agitation.

He kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Kylie. My love isn’t conditional on how we have sex or
if
we have it for that matter.”

“I’m glad,” she said, her voice muffled by his body. “I want to be normal, Jensen. I just don’t know how to be.”

He laughed softly, a slight ache in his voice. “Fuck normal. We’ve already had this conversation and you already know my feelings on the subject.”

She sighed and closed her eyes, enjoying him wrapped around her. Solid. So strong. Her rock.

For several long moments silence fell between them. A comfortable silence neither sought to end. And then she felt him tense slightly against her, as if he were preparing to say something.

She reared her head back, seeking out his gaze.

“Are you ready to talk to me, baby? About your past?”

His dark eyes swept her face intently, concern and love reflected in his expression.

Her breath hitched and her pulse sped up, as did her respirations. It was stupid, really. It was just words. Memories. They couldn’t hurt her unless she let them.

And this was the last barrier between them. The last piece of the trust puzzle.

“Yeah,” she quietly whispered. “I am.”

He squeezed her again and pressed an encouraging kiss on her forehead. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

She hugged his body to hers. It surprised her, that she wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack over the idea of relating something so deeply personal. Something she had never confided in anyone. Not even Carson. She realized she wanted—needed—to unburden herself. Finally.

“I don’t even know where to start,” she said. Tears burned the edges of her eyes and she swallowed back the knot already forming in her throat.

“At the beginning. Or wherever you like. I’m here to listen.”

“He was always abusive,” she said, her voice trembling. “I don’t ever remember him not being. I can barely remember my mother, so I don’t know if she was any better than he was. My feelings are influenced by the fact she left me and Carson with that asshole. How does a mother just leave like that?”

Jensen tensed and she bit into her lip, sorry that she’d made that remark so soon after Jensen had confided his own mother’s desertion. She’d never really considered just how much she and Jensen had in common. Two halves to a whole.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a distressed voice. The last thing she wanted was to pull Jensen back into his own past. Hers was bad enough.

“No, baby, no. Don’t apologize. You need to talk about this with someone who loves you. Someone who will listen. Tonight isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

She nodded and then squeezed her eyes tightly shut. The rest was . . . hard. Shame and a sense of degradation burned through her memories.

“He raped me for the first time when I was thirteen.”

Jensen went rigid next to her. She curled her fingers into his chest, needing something solid, tangible. He slid his hand between them, splaying over hers.

“And there was violence. So much violence,” she whispered. “Nothing Carson and I ever did was right. When he was drunk, he always targeted Carson. But it was when he was completely sober that he directed his ire toward me. I could almost understand, well not really, but it would make more sense if he was just a mean drunk and he only became abusive when he was drinking. It was the vengeful targeting of me when he was fully cognizant of what he was doing that frightened me the most. It seemed so
personal
.

“At least with Carson it always seemed to be a case of Carson being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s a sad testament that I felt safer as long as he was drinking.”

Jensen kissed the top of her head, leaving his lips there pressed against her hair.

“I’ve never told anyone this,” she began. She started shaking, no longer able to keep the memories at bay. Manageable. They poured through her mind leaving inky darkness and pain in their wake.

“What, Kylie?” he gently coaxed. “What haven’t you ever told anyone?”

“There was a time when I seriously considered suicide.”

Jensen sucked in his breath and then expelled it in long, shaky puffs. “Oh God, baby. I’m so sorry. That’s a heavy burden to carry by yourself. Why have you never told anyone?”

“Because it demonstrated just how weak I am,” she said wearily. “Just another shortcoming on my list. It was only the thought of leaving Carson behind by himself that kept me from doing it. Not that I didn’t want to die. I did. So many times it would have been so easy to make it all stop. I was angry at my mom for leaving us and yet there I was thinking of doing the exact same thing to Carson.”

“Kylie, you aren’t weak. It took a hell of a lot of courage and guts not to do it. To remain in that situation with no hope of getting out of it. You were just a child who thought you’d never get out of your hell. I can’t say I blame you for contemplating suicide.”

“It broke Carson to know what our father was doing to me. I suppose he felt like you in some ways. Helpless to make it stop.”

“I know that feeling only too well,” Jensen murmured.

She didn’t want to discuss every sordid detail. There was no need to do that to either herself or Jensen. It was enough that he knew. That she’d told him.

“When and how did it end?” Jensen asked, after her long silence.

“Carson worked odd jobs and he saved up enough money for us to run. We left in the middle of the night while our father was passed out. I was so worried about Carson because our father had beaten him worse than usual. He had bruises, broken ribs. God only knows what else. But he got us out of there.”

“Where did you go?” Jensen asked softly. “How did you make it? How did you end up going to college, even?”

“We were homeless for a while. While we had some money, we couldn’t afford to use it for rent and who would rent something to two kids? We would have been turned over to the police and then sent back to our father. We had to eat and we used the money sparingly. Carson worked his way through college and I worked odd jobs to help. When he started working, he in turn helped me through college.”

“And you call yourself weak,” Jensen said in bewilderment. “How could you ever think so? Do you even realize the kind of strength it took to survive, and then being homeless with no one to look out for you except each other? I don’t know of many people who would have had that kind of resolve.”

“I wish I could see it the way you do,” she said wistfully.

“You’re a brave, courageous woman, Kylie. Never doubt that.”

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you too, baby. Did you or Carson ever see him after that?”

Kylie shook her head. “No, but Carson looked for him years later. I think he wanted revenge.”

“Can’t say I blame him,” Jensen muttered. “Did he find him?”

“He never would say. I only found out because I saw the file he left open on his desk. When I asked him about it, well, you can imagine I freaked. That shouldn’t surprise you. It’s no wonder he wouldn’t tell me anything. He likely worried I’d go off my rocker and do something stupid. Who knows. Maybe I would have.

“But the kind of revenge Carson wanted wasn’t the kind that would land you in jail on a manslaughter charge. He wouldn’t have risked his marriage to Joss. He wanted to see if our father was living well because he wanted to ruin him. He wanted to take away everything he had, if he had anything at all. And he wanted our father to
know
who ruined him and why.”

“I disagree that he shouldn’t have given you the information,” Jensen murmured. “It was your right and you wouldn’t have done anything stupid. What Carson was negligent in realizing is that you might have gained some closure if you knew he wasn’t a threat to you any longer.”

She frowned. “I hadn’t thought about it that way. I think it’s the uncertainty that gets to me sometimes. Like I’m afraid he’ll pop up out of the blue. He could be dead by now for all I know.”

“I could find out for you if you ever truly wanted to know,” Jensen said quietly.

She froze, a curl of fear winding its way through her chest.

“Maybe one day,” she hedged. “Maybe never. I just know I don’t want to know right now.”

“When you’re ready, let me know. I’ll make damn sure he knows nothing about you. And perhaps I can just verify whether Carson was successful in his quest for vengeance.”

“Thank you,” she said.

She felt . . . deflated . . . all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted, leaving her sagging. She was emotionally wrung out even though she’d barely scratched the surface of her abuse. Maybe she’d never tell Jensen the entirety of it. Or maybe one day she’d be ready to completely rid herself of the poison that had infected her for so long.

“You’re more than welcome, baby. I love you. And I’m so damn proud of you. Now you just have to be proud of yourself and see what a huge accomplishment it is for you to be where you are right now and for not letting your past overtake your future.”

She grimaced. “It wasn’t all that long ago that I was doing just that.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, Kylie. Lighten up. The only one knocking on you is you. Everyone else around you sees what I see. A resilient, fearless woman.”

“I like that,” she said with a smile. “Fearless. Definitely at the top of the list of words I would have never used to describe myself.”

“Then revise the damn list and remove all the derogatory words about you,” he growled.

She yawned, exhausted from the day’s emotional events. “Maybe we can make that list together one day. At the very top, the most important word to describe me, is
loved
.”

“Always. And you are loved, Kylie. By more than just me.”

“I know that now,” she said, snuggling farther up against Jensen.

“Think you can sleep?” he asked, concern in his voice. “I worry what this will do for you. I know what it did to me when I told you of my past.”

“As long as you’re here, I can sleep,” she said.

He hugged her to him. “Then sleep, baby. I’ll hold you for as long as you want me to.”

FEARS
of Kylie being tormented by nightmares kept Jensen up long after Kylie settled into a fitful sleep. And when he finally followed suit, it wasn’t Kylie who had nightmares.

Jensen stood, paralyzed, unable to move, unable to do anything but stare as his father struck Kylie again and again. His dreams, often of his mother being abused while Jensen was unable to prevent it, were now of Kylie in his mother’s stead.

He was watching through the eyes of an adult but trapped by a child’s limitations.

“No,” he croaked out. “Oh God, no. Stop hurting her. Please.”

His father lifted his head and stared directly at Jensen, his mouth twisted into a cruel smile. “You’re worthless. You can’t protect her. You’ve failed her just like you failed your idiot mother.”

And then Kylie called his name. It was a plea for help, one he couldn’t ignore even in his dream.

Finally, finally he was able to move. No longer was he encased by lead. No longer was he in the body of the child he was. He let out a roar and launched himself at his father as his adult self with all the strength he’d lacked when he was just a boy.

He knocked his father away and then lunged for him, wrapping his hands around his father’s throat. He’d stop him this time. He’d never hurt another woman. Jensen was no longer the helpless child he’d been for so many years.

All his hatred and anger poured from him in black waves, giving him even more strength.

He wouldn’t fail his mother this time. He wouldn’t fail Kylie.

He squeezed, watching his father’s face go purple, his eyes bulging at the strain.

Kylie called out to him again, her voice desperate. Hoarse sounding. She was pleading with him. To stop?

Shock froze him. Why would Kylie beg for his father’s life?

This time when she said his name, it was barely distinguishable and was accompanied by a whimper of pain. He struggled through the haze of the nightmare, confused by Kylie’s actions.

And then, as if he’d been doused by cold water, he roused from sleep.

Horror swept through him with agonizing speed. His hand was wrapped around
Kylie’s
neck, his fingers digging into her skin. Tears streamed down her face as she struggled helplessly in his grasp. Desperately pulling at the hand around her neck.

Oh God, he was going to be sick.

He released her instantly and she fell away, holding her throat and gasping for breath. She coughed and choked, hunched over, her hair in disarray around her shoulders. She huddled on the very edge of the bed, pulling her legs up to her chest protectively. She rocked back and forth, her broken sobs ripped horrific wounds in his soul. Wounds he might never recover from. How could he?