Give Me You (36 page)

“Oh great. So I will definitely fuck it up then. Awesome.”

Landen shakes his head and we resume our walk. “Naw, man. I mean, some days you will. It’s inevitable. But it’s not like you or the kid will even know. There’s no instruction manual, no right or wrong. You just do the best you can, and honestly, if you keep your head out of your ass and focus on what matters, you’ll all be fine.”

“Focus on what matters, got it. So basically just try not to make my kid need therapy for the rest of his life.” The words are out before I can think. O’Brien is in therapy and has been for years. I slap a hand over my face. “Fuck, man. I didn’t mean that. There’s nothing wrong with therapy. We should probably all be in it every damn day.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’ll cry over your careless insults later, Martin.” We pick up the pace as the clearing opens in front of us. “Look, I know it’s scary as hell. I won’t deny that. But when you see you’re kid for the first time, you’ll get it.”

“Get what?” What is this mysterious ‘it’ he assumes I’ll get?

“That this is the only reason you were born. That he’s the center of your entire existence and nothing else you’ve done or will ever do will matter as much as being his dad and doing right by him. You’ll see, man. It’s just this instant understanding that hits when you become a parent.”

Now I come to a dead stop because we’re almost out of trail and I have more questions. Lots more.

“I became a parent three years ago,” I tell him. “I didn’t know. I didn’t feel any different. I had no fucking sixth sense about it or anything.”

Landen frowns at me. “You became a biological father three years ago, Martin. Not a parent. You weren’t supposed to have a crystal ball and know he was being born. No one expects that. You became a parent the moment you decided to stay here and fight for custody of your son. And you will officially be one when you’re granted custody. Until then, take it easy on yourself. The fact that you even give a shit about being a good dad means you’ll be one.” I think he’s done imparting wisdom but he isn’t. “Neither one of us lucked out particularly well in the dad department. And that was my biggest fear, that I’d be like my dad. But I shouldn’t have worried about it and you shouldn’t either. Because you know what our dads weren’t doing twenty-four years ago?”

I know the answer for once. “They weren’t having a conversation about how to be decent dads?”

“Exactly.”

“It’s just…you love Layla and she loves you. So of course you love your kid. But my situation is…different. It was one night, you know? She wasn’t some random hook up and I cared about Fallon back when we were kids. But sometimes, and I may burn in Hell for saying this, but sometimes I damn near hated her. And this…her leaving me all alone to deal with this in the way that she did…I feel kind of pissed at her, you know? And I’m carrying all this goddamn guilt about not saving her or fixing her before it was too late. What if I see this kid and I just don’t connect?”

Landen rakes his hands through his hair as we approach the end of the path. “Look, if you see that kid for the first time, hear him call you dad for the first time, and you feel nothing, or worse, like my dad, you feel angry, then call me and we’ll get
your
bitch ass some therapy. But Skylar, I’ve known you for a long time. If you were too pissed or fucked up in the head or whatever, I’d tell you to stay away from this kid and let his grandparents raise him. But I think we both know you didn’t take time off work, contact a team of attorneys, and put Corin through the emotional wringer, all for a kid you won’t even care about. So relax. From what Layla said, Corin is handling it well, though now it’s my wife contemplating removing your balls instead of your girl threatening mine. So that’s a nice change.”

I sigh because Layla can be pissed at me. I didn’t cheat on Corin necessarily, but I made a questionable choice to say the least, one Corin is paying for in a round about way, and I deserve the anger. “I’m scared, man. I’m honest to God terrified out of my mind.”

“If mine are still in tact, yours are probably safe.”

I slug Landen lightly on the shoulder. “Not about that, ass. About being a dad. A parent. About whether or not I’m doing this kid a huge disservice by fighting for custody.”

“Welcome to parenthood, my friend,” he says, stretching on a nearby bench as we prepare to go our separate ways. “It’s amazing and wonderful and terrifying as hell.”

W
e lose the first hearing. Or rather, the judge rules against us.

Due to the fact that Christian doesn’t know Skylar yet, the Kensingtons are granted temporary custody of him until the end of the trial. It’s a painful blow and it takes a toll on Skylar.

His first visitation is tomorrow and I can see the doubt weighing heavily on him as we leave the courthouse.

“Mr. Dodd warned you this could happen and said not to be discouraged, remember?”

Skylar nods but is silent as we get in the car.

“And you have regular visitation now. So you’ll get to know him in plenty of time for the trial.”

While the judge wasn’t ready to uproot Christian today, he did grant Skylar two days a week and every other weekend as open for visitation. The Kensingtons looked like they’d swallowed handfuls of nails when the judge informed them that Skylar was free to see his son at his convenience on Tuesday, Thursday, and every other Friday through Sunday. He has to give them twenty-four hour notice that he’s coming, but he can take Christian out of their home and bond with him, which his attorney said was a major win. The judge did call their behavior “shameful” when they admitted knowing Skylar was his father and not contacting him. I took that as a point for the home team.

We stop at a sandwich shop for lunch after the hearing but Skylar barely touches his food.

“Babe…” I touch his knee with mine under the table. “I know you hate losing and you are not particularly good at it. But try not to let this get to you, okay? Tomorrow is Tuesday, which means you can see him, meet him. Go ahead and call the Kensingtons and give them the proper notice.”

“What if this is all pointless, Corin?” Skylar meets my gaze and he looks like a lost boy who’s been separated from Peter Pan. “What if I just get all attached to him and the court says no? What if I fight my ass off and the judge still rules against me? What am I supposed to do? Just go on with my life and see my son every other weekend?”

I reach across the table and take his hand in mine. “I may not be a parent, Sky, but I understand what you’re feeling. Not that long ago I remember thinking to myself ‘what if I get all attached to this clown who’s constantly spitting ridiculous game at me and he goes off and gets called up to the pros and leaves me behind? What if I can’t see him as much as I’d like? What if I fall in love with him and love him more than he loves me? What if he meets someone else? What if he dies?”

Skylar’s eyes widen and understanding shines in them. “I’m a selfish dick,” he mumbles.

I roll my eyes. “No, you’re not. But you don’t have much time for a pity party. Sorry. You’re meeting your son tomorrow. And the truth is, loving someone, caring about them, it’s a risk. One I struggled to take when we first met and one you’re afraid of now. As you should be. It’s scary. And if the court rules against us, we’ll appeal. And if they keep ruling against us, we’ll appeal some more. If you are what’s best for your son then we will fight until he’s with us.”

“You keep saying ‘we’ and ‘us’,” Skylar points out. “I never meant for this to turn your life upside down, but I know that it has. And whatever happens at the trial, my life will be completely different from here on out. I am sorry for that. Truly.”

I shake my head. “We are an us. I accepted that a long time ago. If you decide you don’t want to be, because you need to focus on your son, your career, or whatever, then you can tell me. But I love you so that means whatever you’re going through, I’m going through. If your life changes, so does mine. I’m okay with that. More than okay.”

Skylar lifts our joined hands to his mouth and kisses mine. “I love you too, so damn much there aren’t words.”

I do have one question for him. One I haven’t asked the entire time but has been weighing on me.

“Can I ask you something?”

He nods. “You can ask me anything.”

“If you and I hadn’t called it off, or rather, if I hadn’t said I didn’t want to do the long distance thing when you left, do you think you still would’ve slept with Fallon that night?” I do my best not to wince over the last part.

There isn’t a moment’s hesitation from him. “Well hell no, Corin. Jesus. The only reason I was even in that bar that night was to drink away the constant ache from losing you. Not that I’m blaming anyone for my choices because no one forced me to do anything and I take full responsibility for my actions. But no, babe. No way in hell would I have ever cheated on you or even thought about cheating on you.”

I nod. “I think I already knew that. And in some ways, I feel partially responsible for everything that’s happened. If I hadn’t been afraid, if I hadn’t let you leave with the way things were, or if I’d just been brave enough to try—”

“I’ve been having that conversation with myself since I first found out about Christian,” Skylar admits. “Blaming myself for being weak, for getting too wasted, for making a...dammit.” He shakes his head as if trying to clear the thoughts from it. “I don’t want to think of my son as mistake, you know? He’s not. But that man I was that night, the one who was too drunk to use protection, or better yet, to not sleep with someone I wasn’t in love with, I’m not proud. The team makes us get tested every few months and I was terrified each time I had to wait for results. I’m deeply ashamed and so damn sorry that not only did it hurt you, but that every time you see him, you will be reminded of something hurtful that I did.”

I hadn’t realized how much guilt Skylar was carrying around. “Stop,” I say, before he verbally pulverizes himself any further. “Don’t underestimate me, Skylar Martin. I am human, too, and we all make questionable choices and, okay, mistakes. So while that night with Fallon might not have been the best decision you ever made, and yeah, it doesn’t feel good to sit and think about, it says a lot that you are manning up and taking responsibility for the outcome.” I lean forward and place my forehead on his. “Look at it this way, maybe we were meant to take that short break, to hurt for a bit so we could decide if what we had was worth fighting for. Maybe we were meant to be weak, both of us, for a period in time so that Christian could exist in the world. Maybe he’ll cure cancer. Or maybe he’ll just be a really amazing kid that you get to call your son.”

Skylar gives me a wry grin. “Or maybe he’ll be a giant pain in the ass like I was and my parents will think I got what I deserved.”

I smile. “Maybe. But he’s going to be loved either way. He’s three years old and people are already going to war over who gets to raise him. Some kids don’t have that. So I’d say he’s off to a good start.”