Give Me Strength (21 page)

“Travis.” I waited until his eyes, so full of
hurt, locked on mine. “You can’t save everyone.”

He twisted to put his cigarette out in the
little ashtray, and turning back, tilted my chin up to meet his
eyes. “Wish I could’ve saved you, Quinn,” he said gruffly.

My stomach tightened painfully and Travis
disappeared as tears blinded me. I wished to God Travis could’ve
saved me, but it was too late for that. The damage had been done,
never to be undone. A single slap, or a kick given so angrily and
so easily, the pain and fear it evoked, could never be taken back.
It lived with you, inside of you, forever reminding you that you
were never worthy of love and care.

“Some of us have to learn how to save
ourselves,” I whispered, blinking the tears away.

“How do you do that?”

“All I know is that you have to find strength
somewhere inside of you and hold on to it, but I’m still figuring
out where mine is.”

Maybe the strength was in simply getting out of
bed because there were days when I had struggled to do just
that.

“Quinn… If you let me, I’ll be strong for
you.”

Why are you making this so hard?

Travis was meant for something better than me.
The thought made anger twist hotly inside me. I wanted to be that
something better, the person who could give him happiness. Already
I hated the woman that would belong to him. His arms would wind
around her all night long, keeping her warm and safe. She would
wake to his smile and the love in his eyes. He would be hers.

I stood up and pushed away. The cool air was a
shock, blowing hair into my face. I pushed it away, tucking it
behind my hair before hugging myself and meeting his eyes. “I don’t
need you to be strong for me.”

He nodded, the movement slow and careful. “Maybe
you don’t,” he murmured. “But I need you. Every day I get up, tired
from not sleeping, and I go to work and do what I do. Late at night
I come home and go to bed for another sleepless night, and the
whole time there’s a weight on my chest that’s so fucking heavy it
leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe.” Wounded green eyes found
their way to mine. “When I’ve got hold of you, somehow it doesn’t
feel so heavy anymore.”

My eyes filled and I turned away.

Damn you, Travis.

Damn you for having a chink in your armour
like a battered knight—so worn down from being a goddamn hero that
you’re turning to the one person not good enough for you.

I drew a deep breath into my lungs, lifted my
chin and met his eyes. “I can’t be what you need, Travis.” I hugged
my arms tighter, trying to contain the hurt rising in my chest.
“Inside of me…there’s too much damage. Someone gave me hope once,
and it was beautiful. I’d never seen anything like it. It changed
me from who I used to be.” I shook my head, a tear rolling down my
cheek. I wiped it away, unable to look at him. “I used to give my
body away to anyone who wanted it…and I didn’t care because for a
fleeting moment I felt wanted. I was only sixteen and already
taking drugs and alcohol to get me through each day. I wasn’t sure
I’d live to see the end of high school,” I whispered. “But I
thought acting out would somehow justify all the pain David
inflicted.” My tear filled eyes finally rested on Travis. “How
could I not see I was only hurting myself?”

Travis was frozen, his jaw locked so tight I
thought it would break.

I took a step back. “I met Ethan at a party. It
was obvious he didn’t belong there. He looked so…clean, both inside
and out. It drew me in. I wanted to know what being clean felt
like. Ethan had this quiet intensity—a confidence in himself and
his future. He made me feel like I could have one of those. A
future,” I added. “But he…he.” My voice pitched and Travis rose to
stand, but I waved him back. “He died…” I choked out, “… and I
wanted to die with him, but I couldn’t you see, because I was
pregnant. My baby kept me alive and made me realise that I needed
to leave. But David found me. He found where I lived and he was so
angry. Beth left him. He…I thought it was Lucy at the door,” I
explained, “so I called out for her to come in, the door was
unlocked. The door was unlocked,” I enunciated. “David came in and
he…” I took a deep breath. “He broke me—inside and out. I tried to
fight, but I fell and he wouldn’t stop kicking me, and he killed my
baby.”

A sob escaped me.

“Quinn,” Travis pleaded, his hands fisted so
tightly his knuckles were white.

“I’m not finished,” I told him and lifted my
chin, bracing for the worst. “When I woke up in hospital, the
doctors told me there was so much damage that I would never have
children. I can’t have kids,” I said simply. “And after they told
me, for a whole month I wished he’d killed me too, because I felt
dead anyway. There were entire days I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s
taken me years to get where I am now. Days upon days of pretending
to be a normal person that sometimes I even convince myself. If I
keep doing it, then maybe one day it’ll be true. Can you see now,
why I can’t be what you need?” I looked at him. “I’m not
whole.”

Travis sat frozen, his face pale, and I died a
little inside.

The need to run, to find oblivion, rose within
me.

I moved swiftly inside, and finding my bag, I
messaged Lucy. She’d be finished work soon, and in ten minutes I
could disappear for a while. Finding the bathroom, I shut the door
behind me. I flicked the shower on and stood in front of the
mirror, seeing a stranger with pale skin and fear in her
eyes—someone who didn’t know how to fight, only how to run. I might
not know who she was, but even I could see she was missing pieces
of herself. I tilted my head at the mirror. Maybe Travis might say
that was okay, and just maybe it was for him. But it wasn’t for me.
He didn’t deserve okay.

The door swung open and I turned.

Travis leaned up against the door frame, his
eyes were pained and wet with tears.

“I don’t know who I am, Travis.” I turned back
to face the person in the mirror. “I don’t think I’ve ever
known.”

“I know who you are,” he said hoarsely.

“Please tell me.”

“You’re a survivor, and on the inside that makes
you more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. Do you think I
want perfect? No one is ever that. Perfect is for people who don’t
know how to be real, and I don’t want any of that. I want you.”

My eyes closed against the image in the mirror.
“I’m not sure I’m able to give you me.”

He flicked off the shower and came further into
the bathroom, taking hold of my hands. He pulled them behind his
back so I was holding on. Then he wrapped his arms around my
shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Quinn,” he said thickly. “I want to kill
him for what he did to you. What he took from you.” Travis closed
his eyes briefly and swallowed. “People like that are nothing. They
feed off the good in others because it makes them feel like
something. You can’t let him win. You can’t let him take that from
you anymore.”

The phone rang.

Travis ignored it.

It rang again.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Be back.”

I followed him out, heard him murmuring
something before he held the phone towards me. “Here. It’s for
you.”

Eyebrows raised, I took the phone. “Hello?”

“Quinn, did you or did you not go to Mr. Chow’s
for dinner?” came Evie’s voice.

I sighed, thankful for the distraction of her
voice, but I’d completely forgotten about her requested doggy
bag.

“Maybe,” I hedged.

“What do you mean maybe? Everyone’s worried
about you. Cooper was trying to tell me you were supposed to be
back by midnight, and now I hear from Travis you’re not feeling
well. Damn that Mr. Chow. I think he’s trying to kill off the
entire female population.”

“He is?”

“It makes sense. He has the hots for the entire
badass brigade.”

Warm hands rested on my shoulders and my eyes
closed at the touch.

“Badass brigade?”

“Yeah. I got so sick once that I had to get an
anti-nausea injection to go on stage.”

I heard Jared’s voice in the background. “Baby,
that was not food poisoning from Mr. Chow’s.”

“Oh yeah?” was her reply as one of those warm
hands slid around my belly. There was a muffled crackle from the
phone and she said, “You would defend him, Jared. You like it when
he plays grabass.”

My eyes widened. “Grabass?”

“Pay attention, Quinn. You can’t just go
waltzing in to that restaurant without expecting death glares. You
have to—”

Jared’s voice sounded closer when I heard him
cut her off, calling out, “He’s not trying to kill you off,
Quinn!”

The other arm came around me until I was pulled
into a hard chest. I let out a deep breath. “Quinn? You there?”

Travis snatched the phone from my hand. He
pressed the end call button and tossed it on the floor.

I pushed away from the hold, and not looking at
Travis, walked into the bedroom, grabbing for my clothes. I started
sliding them on as he followed me in.

I spared him a glance. “I should get going.”

“No.”

I paused and looked at him. “No?”

He shook his head. “No.”

“I can’t stay here,” I told him. Not now. I
couldn’t stomach him knowing everything about me. Travis had been
right when he’d told Evie on the phone that I wasn’t feeling well,
because I felt sick.

He folded his arms.

“I want to leave.”

“Is that what you really want?”

My chin lifted as I finished dressing.
“Yes.”

Hurt flashed on his face before he shuttered his
expression. “Okay, just give me a minute. I’ll drive you.”

He stalked to the bathroom and shut the
door.

“No need to drive me,” I called out through the
door as I grabbed my bag and slipped on my boots. “Lucy’s out the
front waiting for me.”

I shut the front door behind me.

“Quinn!”

I flew down the stairs and into the street,
shivering in the cool, eerily quiet street. Lucy wasn’t there so I
shrank back into the shadows.

A hand slapped around my mouth and yanked me
back further. My knees buckled in panic as I was locked around the
waist with another arm.

“Dammit,” came a hard male voice behind me. The
hand loosened and I drew air into my lungs. My mouth opened, ready
to scream but the hand tightened around my mouth again. “I have a
gun. Don’t make me shoot you.”

I whimpered, fighting to breathe.

“Quinn?”

The apartment door opened and Travis flew out of
the building in just his jeans. He scanned the empty street. His
muscled shoulders, covered by the eagle’s wings that made him look
strong enough to carry anyone’s weight, slumped.

“Move or make a single sound,” the voice hissed
softly in my ear, “and I’ll shoot him.”

My heart beat erratically as I nodded.

Go inside, Travis. Please go inside.

Instead, he pulled a phone from his pocket and
dialled.

“Mac.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“Quinn’s on her way home. Can you ring me when she gets there?
Please?” After a pause, he said, “No, Lucy…I don’t know,” he said
impatiently. “Just ring okay?”

He ended the call and my stomach sank when he
didn’t move, but simply dialled another number.

The stranger’s breathing was harsh in my ear,
and my nails dug into my palms.

“Mitch, David’s still locked up, right?” He
exhaled loudly as he listened to the other end. “Yes, I know I’ve
already told you, but the second he’s out, let me know.”

This time when he ended the call, his fingers
hovered over the keypad, hesitating, and I knew he was trying to
decide whether to ring me or not. I realised with horror that if he
rang, he would know exactly where I stood and the man behind me
would shoot. My body sagged with fear, the stranger’s arms the only
thing holding me upright.

Travis shook his head and shoved the phone in
his back pocket. A single tear trickled down my cheek as he did a
final scan of the street and disappeared back inside.

“Good girl.”

My eyes closed with relief.

“Now you’re gonna listen to what I’m telling you
and you’re not to speak. Just nod your head that you understand.
Okay?”

I lifted my right leg and slammed the heel down
hard on his foot. As he grunted with pain, I fought to break free,
but he didn’t budge his hold.

“Asrghoe,” I grunted against his mouth.

“Did you just call me an asshole? I told you not
to speak,” he puffed in my ear.

My breath came in bursts and praying my boots
made me tall enough to hit my mark, I drew my head forward and then
slammed it back as hard as I could.

“Fuck,” he growled. His arms loosened from
around me, but the bright burst of pain in the back of my head had
my knees giving out. My palms came out to brace my fall and the
harsh concrete cut into the skin of my hands and knees. Scrambling
to my feet, my hair was grabbed in a fist, and I was yanked
upwards. I blinked back tears, my heart racing in fear.

“Here’s the deal,” he growled in my ear. I
nodded so he would know I was listening. “David owes us money and
that’s not good because that means we in turn owe money. There’s a
chain you see, and David lives at the bottom. You have a good idea
of what David’s like, so you can imagine the type of man that lives
at the top. We’re told you’re the one that had him put away. Not
only that, it seems you know people in high places. That now makes
his debt yours.” Then he named a sum that left me reeling. “You’ve
got two weeks before I find you again.”

Lucy’s beat up car squealed to a stop out the
front and I could see her looking for me. She got out of the car.
“Quinn?”

“See you get the money and keep your mouth shut
about it or your friend here, or even your fuck buddy upstairs, are
gonna bleed.”