Give Me a Reason (30 page)
Authors: Lyn Gardner
“What makes you think anything’s bothering me?”
“Your body language screams it.”
With a sigh, Toni sat down. “I had a fight with Laura.”
“About what?”
“Her coming home drunk.”
“Oh, I see. You don’t like to see her get pissed.”
“No, it’s not that. We all need to unwind sometimes, and
Laura’s an adult, but...but—”
“Spit it out, Toni. Remember what I told you. Don’t sugarcoat
and don’t lie, just tell me what’s on your mind. I’m not here to judge you. I’m
here to listen and to help.”
Leaning forward, Toni rested her elbows on her knees, combing
her fingers through her hair before she glanced back at Abby. “I’m jealous.”
Abby couldn’t help but smile. In the coming months, she knew
many of their sessions would be filled with raw emotions and painful memories,
but the biggest obstacle had just passed. Toni had told her the truth, and with
truth comes trust.
“So, why don’t you tell her how you feel?” Abby asked.
“You know why.”
“Because you think you might hurt her?”
“Yes.”
“Do you honestly believe with the feelings you have for
Laura, you could ever possibly hurt her?”
“I can’t take that chance.”
“You can’t take it or you
won’t
take it?”
Hanging her head, Toni whispered, “I don’t have anything to
offer her.”
“What do you mean?”
“She deserves better than me.”
Thinking for a moment, Abby asked, “If you had met Laura six
or seven years ago, would you have felt the same way? Would she have deserved
you then?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I was a whole person back then, that’s why!” Toni
barked. “I had a career that was going nowhere but up. I had two books under my
belt with plans for more, and I enjoyed going out to pubs for drinks and
dancing. I liked myself back then. I liked the fact that I was attractive to
women, and I liked the fact that I hardly ever came home alone.”
“So you were a player?”
“If you want to call it that.”
“What would you call it?”
“I don’t know. Someone who embraced all life had to give, I
suppose.”
“And you don’t want to embrace life again? You don’t want to
laugh or to drink or to dance? You don’t want to write another book or bed
another woman?”
“No, I don’t.”
“I asked you not to lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Yes, you are,” Abby said, sitting up straight. “If you
remember, on those forms you emailed to me, there was a question about suicide,
and you told me about that night with the vodka. If you didn’t want to live
again, you would have guzzled it without giving it a second thought, but you
didn’t. You made a choice and that choice was to live, and as far as not having
anything to offer Laura, that’s just rubbish.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Because you still have a career, those two books you wrote
are still in print, and there’s nothing to stop you from writing another. Laura
is totally in love with you, Toni, and from where I’m sitting, you’re
head-over-heels for her. What you can offer Laura is love, and in case you
haven’t heard, love is
priceless
.”
“Here, drink this,” Abby said, handing Toni a glass.
“What is it?”
“Just some water,” Abby answered, sitting next to her
trembling patient.
More than a month had passed since their first session, and
over those weeks, a strong doctor-patient bond had been formed. Meeting twice a
week, and sometimes more, Abby had managed to get Toni to talk about her
family, her feelings and, of course, Thornbridge. Today they had focused on the
most vicious beating Toni had received when she was in solitary, the result of
which put her in the infirmary for over two weeks.
“Sorry that today was a bit rough on you,” Abby said softly
as she picked up her cup of tea.
“I just can’t understand it,” Toni said, looking over at
Abby. “I think about that night a lot. When he came into my cell, my first thought
was that he didn’t look evil. He looked...he looked normal. He wasn’t unkempt
or brutish like so many of the screws, and even though he only said a few words
to me, I could tell he had received a formal education, but then he just...he
just started hitting me, ripping me apart with that fucking belt. How can any
man do that to a woman? How can any man do that to anyone? How do you beat
someone like that and then just leave them on the floor, naked and bleeding,
without giving it a second thought? How?”
“Was that when you stopped trusting people?”
“Yeah. My perception of him was skewed because of his looks
and his accent, but he proved me wrong and I’ve always made it a point to learn
from my mistakes. After that, I didn’t trust any of the men.”
“The men? What about the female guards?”
“They came later.”
“Should I save that topic for another day?”
“If you don’t mind.”
“Of course, I don’t,” Abby said, leaning back on the sofa.
“So, how are you and Laura getting on these days?”
“Do you know you ask me that every time we meet?”
“Yes, I do, but after the row you and she had the night we
came home from clubbing—”
“We made up a few days later, just like we always do. I told
you that.”
“Yes, but I also know she had a date last Saturday, and I
wasn’t sure how that went.”
“Well, she didn’t come home drunk, if that’s what you’re
asking.”
“That
wasn’t
what I was
asking, and you know it.”
“What do you want me to do? Ask her to put her life on hold
while I try to figure out mine?”
“No, but I think you should at least tell her how you feel.”
“And exactly what would that accomplish? I tell her that I
like her—”
“Don’t you mean love her?”
Folding her arms across her chest, Toni let out an
exaggerated sigh. “I thought shrinks weren’t supposed to put words in their
patient’s mouths. Isn’t there a code against it or something?”
“I didn’t put words in your mouth. I just corrected your use
of one
particular
word.”
Toni cast an evil glare in Abby’s direction, but when she saw
the psychologist’s brilliant smile, her anger dissolved instantly. “Christ, you
are as much of a pain in the arse as Laura. No wonder you’re friends.”
“You’re trying to get off the subject.”
“Perhaps I don’t like the subject.”
“Perhaps that’s because you
love
the subject.”
“Why is it so bloody important that I use that word? Can you
explain that? Why isn’t the fact that I
like
Laura good enough for you?”
“It would be good enough for me if it were the truth, but
part of why you’re doing all of this is because of your feelings for Laura,
isn’t it?
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to,” Abby said, returning her tea cup to the
table. “Toni, these past few weeks, you’ve poured your heart out to me. You’ve
held nothing back, no matter how painful it was. I know you’re doing this for
yourself, but you’re also doing it because you’ve fallen in love with Laura.
So, please stop trying to deny it. You’ve come too far to start lying now.”
Abby was surprised when Toni didn’t respond. There had been
plenty of times during their sessions when tough topics had caused Toni to go
quiet, but this was only friendly banter. Studying the woman whose head was
bowed, Abby noticed that she appeared pale. Reaching over, she placed her hand
on Toni’s forehead. “You’re warm. You feeling okay?”
“Actually, I’ve felt a bit out of it all day.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have cancelled the
session.”
“I didn’t want to. I like talking to you. It helps.”
“That’s good to know, but these talks are tough enough on you
without having to throw a fever into the mix, don’t you think?”
“I’ll be fine.”
Deciding not to argue, Abby glanced at her watch, not at all
surprised to see that their hour session had again lasted almost two. “I think
I’ve put you through enough for today,” she said, getting to her feet. “Why
don’t you go lie down? I’ll tidy up and then show myself out.”
“No, I’ll do it.”
“This isn’t up for discussion,” Abby said, sliding her
notepad into her briefcase. “I’m quite able to clean up in here and get the
house in order. Now, go lie down. I’ll lock up when I leave.”
Too tired to argue, Toni said, “Thanks. I owe you one.”
“No, you don’t. Now go.”
As Toni disappeared into her bedroom, Abby gathered the cups
and headed to the kitchen, but she stopped when she heard the front door open.
“I thought that was your car,” Laura said, stepping into the
house. “What’s up?”
“You’re early.”
“What?” Laura said, tossing her coat on a chair.
“Oh...um...I mean, don’t you have a staff meeting on
Wednesdays?”
“Yes, but two of our teachers were sick, so we cancelled...”
Stopping, Laura tilted her head. “How did you know I had staff meetings on
Wednesday?”
Quickly, Abby disappeared into the kitchen. “Shit,” she said
under her breath, putting the cups in the sink.
“Abby, what’s going on?” Laura asked, standing in the
doorway. As she waited for Abby’s response, Laura noticed a package of biscuits
on the counter, biscuits that were Toni’s favorite. Spinning on her heel, she
quickly looked toward the lounge and then back at Abby. “Where’s Toni? Abby, is
something wrong with Toni?”
Hearing Laura’s panic, Abby said, “No. No, Toni’s fine,
Laura. She’s fine.”
“Then why are you here?”
Abby’s lungs slowly emptied as she leaned against the
counter. “I was talking to Toni.”
“About what?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not?”
“Laura—”
“Damn it, Abigail, you’re my best friend, and we’ve never had
any secrets.”
“This isn’t really a secret.”
“No? Well, then what the hell do you call it?”
Knowing that she had no way out, Abby sighed. “Doctor-patient
privilege.”
***
Too tired and achy to remove her clothes, Toni kicked off her
shoes, climbed under the quilt and closed her eyes, hoping sleep would come so
the pounding in her head would go away. Hearing a light rap on the door, she
called out, “Come in, Abby.” The door opened, and when Toni saw Laura looking
back at her, her face dropped.
“Mind if I come in?” Laura asked.
“No, it’s okay.”
“Abby said you had a rough day, so I brought you some tea,”
Laura said as she walked over and placed a cup on the nightstand. Noticing the
worry lines etched across Toni’s forehead, she added, “And in case you’re
wondering, that’s all she told me. Some silly nonsense about doctor-patient
privilege.”
“Oh.”
“But she did say she thought you had a fever,” Laura said,
placing her hand on Toni’s forehead. “Which, apparently you do. Have you taken
anything for it?”
“No, not yet.”
“Be right back.”
Laura left the room, and a few minutes later, returned with a
glass of water and a bottle of paracetamol. Putting two in her hand, she gave
them to Toni and waited until she washed them down before taking the glass and
putting it near the cup of tea.
“Why are you home so early?” Toni asked quietly.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Laura grinned. “Abby asked
the same thing. It appears that we may have a small outbreak of the flu at
work, and since both Susan and Jack weren’t feeling well, we rescheduled our
meeting.”
“Oh,” Toni said, lowering her gaze. “I suppose you want to
ask me some questions now, huh?”
“You know, you are absolutely terrible at second-guessing me,
I think I’ve told you that, and whatever questions I may have will wait until
you feel better.” Reaching over, Laura pushed a few strands of hair from Toni’s
forehead. “You should try to get some sleep.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt you by not telling you.”
“There you go again. Wrong as usual,” Laura said with a
little laugh. “I’m not hurt, Toni. Surprised...yes, but I doubt you could do
anything to hurt me. You just don’t have it in you.”
“Laura—”
“Sshhh,” Laura whispered. “Get some sleep. We’ll talk later.”
“Okay,” Toni murmured as her eyes began to close, but when
she felt Laura get up, she reached out and took her hand. “Please don’t go.
Abby was right. Today was rough and I could use the company, at least until I
fall asleep.”
“All right,” Laura said, returning to her spot on the bed.
Again, placing her hand on Toni’s forehead, she said, “It looks like Jack and
Susan aren’t the only ones who have the flu.”
“I thought I was just having an off day.”
“Your off days usually include fevers, do they?”
“No, but I was trying to be optimistic.”
Laura smiled, and as awful as Toni felt, she couldn’t help
but do the same. A few minutes of silence passed between them, until Toni’s
eyes grew heavy and sleep took hold. Tucking the quilt around her, Laura placed
the lightest of kisses on Toni’s brow before quietly walking from the room.
***
Absorbed in her thoughts, Laura sat cross-legged on the sofa
as the mantle clock ticked away the hours. After leaving Toni’s room, she had
changed her clothes, made herself some dinner and then returned to the lounge
with a glass of wine and a good book, but she couldn’t focus on the words.
Aware of Toni’s vehement refusal to seek any kind of professional counseling,
to discover that she’d been seeing Abby both delighted and confused Laura. She
couldn’t be happier that Toni had found the courage to do so, but she was also
puzzled as to why Toni thought she needed to keep her sessions with Abby a
secret.
Taking another sip of wine, Laura glanced over at the
partially opened bedroom door and was surprised to see light streaming through
the crack. Jumping off the sofa, she went to the kitchen to fix some tea.
Filling a glass with water, Laura put both on a tray and headed to the bedroom.
Knocking lightly, when she heard no reply, she cautiously walked inside, and noticing
the bathroom door was closed, she gathered up the water and tea she had placed
on the nightstand hours before and replaced them with the new. Hearing a door
open behind her, she turned around and was shocked to see Toni dressed in jeans
and a T-shirt.
“What are you doing in those clothes? You’re sick, and you
need to be in bed.”
“I...I never got...I never got changed.”
“What?”
Swaying in the doorway, Toni whispered, “I...I don’t feel
good, Laura.”
In an instant, Laura was at Toni’s side, and wrapping her arm
around her waist, Laura guided her to the bed. “Let me find you something more
comfortable to sleep in.”
Quickly gathering Toni’s pajamas, Laura returned and handed
her the blue flannel. “I’m assuming you don’t want any help?”
As if in a daze, Toni slowly raised her eyes and shook her
head. “No. No, I can do it.”
“Okay. Call me when you’re finished,” Laura said as she left
the room, and closing the door behind her, she waited just outside. After a few
minutes had passed, Laura’s concern got the better of her, and rapping on the
door, she called out, “Toni, are you all right?”
Hearing only a muffled response, Laura walked in and found
Toni lying across the bed wearing a pajama top and blue jeans. Walking over,
she placed her hand on Toni’s forehead.
“Your hand’s cold,” Toni said quietly. “It feels good.”
“Yeah, well your head is hot. Really, really hot,” Laura
said, quickly tugging back the quilt. “Come on, let me help you get out of
these jeans, and we’ll get you under the covers.”
“I can do it.”
“No, you can’t, so stop arguing,” Laura said. Unbuttoning
Toni’s jeans, she pulled down the zip. “Lift your hips.” Waiting for a moment,
Laura said, “Come on, Toni. I need a little help here.”
Toni moved barely a few inches, but it was enough so that
Laura could tug the denim down her legs. Seeing no need to redress her, Laura
tossed the pajama bottoms to the end of the bed and pulled the quilt over Toni.
“There you go. How’s that?”
“It’s good. Thanks.”
“Can you manage some tea or water? You need to take a few
more paracetamol.”
“Water…just water.”
Toni rolled to her side as Laura handed her the glass.
Quickly taking the pills, the glass barely exchanged hands before she fell back
to the pillow. Looking up at Laura, she said, “I have no idea what I’ve done to
deserve you in my life.”
“I don’t know either, but I’m glad you did it,” Laura said
softly as she ran her finger down Toni’s cheek.
***
Glancing at her watch, Laura decided she had waited long
enough. For the better part of two days, she had tended to Toni, waking her
every four to six hours to take more medicine and forcing her to drink water or
juice whenever she could. She applied cold washcloths to Toni’s forehead when
the fever raged, and added an extra blanket or two when chills racked her body,
but the night before had been bad and Laura knew it was time to call a doctor.
Taking a deep breath, she climbed off the sofa and walked to Toni’s room, but
when she went inside and saw Toni looking back at her, alert and aware, Laura
let out a huge breath. “Well, you’re a sight for worried eyes.”
