Girls to Total Goddesses (2 page)

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2

‘Hey! Matthew! Great to see you! How was your summer?’ I indicated graciously that the third chair was at his disposal. Matthew sat down carefully, as if he had never actually done it before, but had read a pamphlet entitled
How to Lower Yourself into a Chair
. I smiled treacherously – it was so
not
great to see him. I would rather have been joined by a ten-foot boa constrictor – a creature considerably less cold-blooded than Matthew.

‘It’s Paolo, actually,’ he announced pompously. ‘I’ve changed my name. I think Matthew sounds a bit old-fashioned.’

This was a major style error on Matthew’s part, though I was too polite to say so. I have a snobbish taste for old-fashioned names. Harry, for example. It is, incidentally, Beast’s real name: Harry Hawkins. Beat that for charisma! It sounds a bit like a pirate, but then, he looks a bit like a pirate, sometimes.

‘Right,’ I said mischievously. ‘OK, er, Paolo. I’ve changed my name, too. I’m . . . Doris.’ I couldn’t help myself: Matthew brings out the sarcastic worst in me. Chloe looked startled. ‘And Chloe’s changed her name to Vera. How was your summer, then, Ma— Paolo?’

‘Oh, it was great, yeah,’ droned Matthew in his strange dull voice. ‘First I did a life-saving course . . .’ I didn’t like that word
first
. It suggested we might have to sit through a whole catalogue of very worthy things Matthew had done throughout the summer hols.

‘Oh brilliant, well done,’ I said. ‘So you can save lives, now, can you?’

‘Uh-huh,’ said Matthew, evidently deep in some kind of fantasy of being a lifeguard in Atlantic City.

‘How wonderful!’ gasped Chloe, avoiding my eye. ‘So if we were drowning, you could save us!’ I knew exactly what she was thinking: that she’d rather drown, any day, than see Matthew laboriously approaching through the waves like some earnest podgy seal hell-bent on watery courtship.

‘I’m not sure if I could save you both.’ Matthew looked puzzled. ‘Especially if you clung to me in panic.’

‘I promise,’ I said seriously, ‘that I will never cling to you in panic.’ Matthew looked slightly disappointed.

‘Nor will I,’ promised Chloe fervently. It was the first honest thing we’d said since he sat down.

Chloe and I avoided looking at each other. We were going to have such a laugh about this later.

‘I think it’s wonderful, being a lifeguard,’ I said. ‘I really admire you for it, Ma— Paolo.’

‘We ought to learn how to do it, too, really,’ said Chloe.

‘I can do mouth-to-mouth as well,’ said Matthew, ‘so if either of you girls ever goes into a coma, let me know.’ He gave a weird Martian-style smile at this point, so I think this was supposed to be a rather sleazy and unpleasant joke.

‘Yeah, we should do a life-saving course, Chloe,’ I suggested.

‘There’s one every Thursday at the leisure centre,’ said Matthew. ‘Run by St John Ambulance.’

‘Oh dear!’ I dived in quick. ‘We can’t make Thursdays, because that’s the night we go out with our boyfriends.’ I thought I’d better get a couple of imaginary boyfriends lined up quick, after all that unnecessary ghastliness about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

‘Boyfriends?’ enquired Matthew, trying not to look crushed. We were probably the only girls he’d ever spoken to in his life. I knew he preferred me to Chloe, because once he’d said so, which was a terrible kind of curse rather than a compliment. ‘Anybody I know?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I said. ‘Do you know Daniel Stringer?’ I thought Daniel sounded nice and manly and James Bond-ish.

‘Daniel? Uh, yeah, I think I did meet him once,’ said Matthew. This was a major surprise, because I had only just invented Daniel. ‘How is he these days?’

I felt panicky and furious that Matthew had managed to wrong-foot me by trumping my outrageous lie with an even more outrageous one of his own.

‘Oh, Daniel’s fine,’ I said irritably. I hated Daniel slightly for having met Matthew behind my back, before I’d ever invented him. In fact I was already planning to dump him. ‘You know what he’s like . . .’ I challenged Matthew with a direct glare, but he just smiled and nodded. Maybe he actually
did
know somebody called Daniel Stringer! ‘Chloe’s boyfriend is the class act, though,’ I went on, inspired suddenly. ‘He’s American.’

Matthew looked impressed. ‘What’s his name?’ he asked, turning to her. Chloe’s gaze became fixed. You could see she couldn’t think of a single boy’s name, poor lamb – she was frozen in the headlamps of my ludicrous fantasy.

‘Tom . . . Cruise,’ she spluttered. I covered her embarrassment with a huge laugh.

‘That’s what we call him, secretly, behind his back,’ I explained. ‘His real name’s Tom Cribbins.’ I realised this didn’t sound very American. ‘Cribbins-Goldfarb,’ I added hastily. ‘His father is the president of some bank in New York.’

‘Nice job,’ said Matthew. ‘I’d like to meet him. I’m thinking of going into banking. That’s where the big bucks are.’

‘Matthew!’ I said with flirty reproachfulness. ‘I mean, Paolo! You mustn’t become too much of a material boy, you know. Girls like a man with a heart.’

‘Oh, I do a lot of charity work,’ he boasted. ‘And I know girls like that sort of thing, because that’s how I met my current girlfriend.’ Chloe and I were instantly fascinated. Had Matthew really got a
real
girlfriend? Or was he just joining us in the Fibbing for England Olympic Team?

‘Tell us about her!’ Chloe begged.

‘Her name is Trixiebell Dixon-Bright,’ he said. ‘She’s a tap dancer and oboist.’ We were stunned. Game, set and match to Matthew. ‘I was just wondering,’ Matthew went on, ‘if you might be available to help out in a different charity project I’m involved in – it would only be a couple of nights a week, and it doesn’t have to be Thursdays.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I said hastily. ‘We’re busy with . . .’ I momentarily forgot the names of our boyfriends ‘. . . stuff with . . . Dan and . . .’

‘Tom,’ Chloe prompted me, a tiny hint of alarm in her eyes.

‘. . . every night of the week at the moment.’ I grasped wildly for some ultra-important project. ‘Thursday is our night off with the guys,’ I went on recklessly, ‘but for the rest of the week we’re incredibly busy making sleeping bags for the homeless.’

‘Out of recycled materials,’ added Chloe quickly, ‘which Tom collects in his pick-up truck.’

Just at this moment, some boys sitting over by the window lifted up their heads and howled like dogs. My heart nearly jumped right out of my mouth. This could only mean one thing –
Beast was walking past
!

I gasped, I choked, and with a flash of genius, though I say it myself, I turned that little choke into a fully-fledged coughing fit, muttered ‘excuse me’ and stumbled for the door. I had to get a glimpse of Beast! Just a five-second peep at his divine back disappearing down the street would be enough! I burst out through the door of the Dolphin Cafe, and oh, horror! I almost cannoned right into the arms of Beast himself, who was coming up the steps, accompanied, disastrously, by a girl with long eyelashes, tawny skin, glorious brown curly hair and a figure to die for. In other words, somebody who was a goddess
already
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3

I racked my brains for an alluring remark, but the cupboard was bare. All I could muster was the charismatic aside ‘
I’m having a coughing fit
’ but even that came out back to front.

‘I’m having a foff—’ I gasped. Oh no! The coughing fit had become a foffing kit! I burst past Beast and the girl, coughing and foffing a whole lot more, and ran a few yards down the street without turning round. I didn’t want Beast to be too concerned about the cough, though – after all, he was going to be a doctor one day – so I slapped my chest a few times and stared at a nearby shop window as if to indicate that my foff was not life-threatening enough to affect my interest in merchandise.

I noticed a burning pain in my throat which suggested that, though I might not have had a real cough to start off with, I had almost certainly ruptured my larynx in my foolish attempt to catch a glimpse of my Unattainable Beloved. I don’t think real goddesses ever have that kind of trouble.

I turned back to the Dolphin Cafe and rejoined Chloe and Matthew, scanning the room casually for Beast and the girl. They were standing at the counter, and I was alarmed to see that their elbows were actually touching as they admired Maria’s display of pastries. My own elbows tingled jealously at the sight.

Matthew was in the middle of a seemingly endless saga about Trixiebell’s next oboe recital, so I just sat down and tried not to look insane with anxiety when Beast loomed over our table. He and the girl were carrying takeaway drinks.

‘Uh, hi there, Beast,’ said Matthew. Oh no! Matthew knew him! ‘This is – uhh, Doris and Vera. This is Beast Hawkins.’ Nightmare! Bad enough that this laborious idiot was presuming to introduce us to Beast, but the ridiculous names! Beast looked surprised, but with an adorable little rippling smile that he was trying to suppress.

‘Well, guys, this is Charlie,’ he said. ‘Charlie, this is Paolo, Vera and er, apparently – Doris.’ Beast glanced at me, and winked. Oh my God! My poor little heart turned a somersault! What did he mean by it? It seemed like a secret sign, as if we two shared an understanding.

The girl Charlie smiled. Her teeth were perfect. An elegant hint of gold twinkled in her ears – tiny earrings shaped like crescent moons.

‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Hi, Doris, hi, Vera!’ I decided I had to end this madness. We must ditch the names.

‘We’re really called Zoe and Chloe,’ I said, but my voice came out as a horrid croak. I seemed to have genuinely damaged my vocal cords during my coughing fit. ‘Sorry – my voice is a bit weird. The names were just a joke.’ A flicker of amusement twinkled in Beast’s lovely grey-green eyes.

‘We’re thinking of trying out some new names,’ explained Chloe.

‘Doris and Vera were just a kitsch retro moment,’ I added.

‘What a great idea!’ grinned Charlie. She turned to Beast. ‘We should change our names, too!’ Oh no! They were a
we
! A cold, curdled feeling spread through my intestines. I felt sick. I would never eat again. Although I might just possibly have to eat Charlie – if there was no other way of getting rid of her. ‘Hey, Beast!’ she went on. ‘I think you’re more of a James.’

How dare Charlie take liberties with Beast and tell him he was a James? She was so wrong about that, as well. He was way too rugged for a James. Jameses tend to be kind of smooth and polished, in my experience. Anyway, I knew he was a secret Harry. I wondered if she knew, too. The way she looked at him, it seemed as if she might know all his secrets.

‘I asked Zoe and Chloe to help with the Amnesty gig,’ Matthew droned on. Oh no, no,
no
! In our attempt to keep Matthew at bay, we’d just unwittingly refused to help with Beast’s Jailhouse Rock concert! ‘But they can’t, because they’re busy every night with their boyfriends,’ concluded Matthew, winning the Award for the Most Tactless Blunders Crammed into One Short Speech.

‘Their . . . boyfriends?’ asked Beast, raising his eyebrows with a teasing smile, directed mostly at Chloe.

‘Dan and Tom,’ Matthew informed him matter-of-factly. Matthew had now destroyed my life, and I began to wonder if he was Satan in human form. Well, almost human, anyway – it would explain the strange khaki eyes.

‘Boyfriends, eh?’ Beast went on, ‘Anybody I know? Where did you meet them? Newquay?’

‘No,’ said Chloe, floundering a bit. She used to have a thing about Beast and she’s still slightly awkward with him sometimes. Also, she’s not at her best when free-range lying. ‘We met them through the homeless thingummyjig.’

‘What? Are they homeless?’ asked Beast, looking deeply puzzled and quizzical.

‘No,’ said Matthew, who appeared to have become our PR spokesman in the most annoying way. ‘In fact, Chloe’s boyfriend Tom is from the Goldfarb banking family in New York, you know. Hey – maybe Tom’s bank can sponsor the rock concert?’ Matthew looked appealingly at Chloe. Chloe cringed and shook her head.

‘It’s not the sponsorship I’m worried about,’ said Beast with a sigh. He glanced out anxiously through the cafe window at the passing traffic. ‘If things get any worse I’ll be changing my name to José Olivera and disappearing to South America.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, in a concerned croak. ‘Are you having problems with Jailhouse Rock?’ Poor Beast! He worked so hard. I couldn’t bear to think of things going wrong for him.

‘Where do I start?’ he shrugged, with a self- deprecating smile. ‘My entrepreneurial skills have deserted me. I’m convinced my boss is going to sack me any moment.’

‘Who is your boss?’ asked Chloe.

‘Arnold Brown,’ said Beast. ‘Managing Director of Major Events.’

‘Well, don’t worry,’ I quipped, trying to cheer Beast up. ‘If Arnie sacks you, we’ll kill him!’ Beast gave me an amused look.

‘You’ll get some hassle from Charlie, then,’ he warned. ‘He’s her uncle!’

This was serious news. I’d made an embarrassing blunder, boasting about my homicidal skills being applied to Charlie’s uncle. And if she was the boss’s niece, it would pile all sorts of pressure on to poor Beast. If she hit on him, how could he refuse?

‘Sorry, Charlie!’ I assured her. ‘But if we do have to kill your unc we’ll do it very gently and vegetarianly with velvet gloves on.’

‘Oh, don’t bother!’ replied Charlie. ‘He deserves it sometimes – he’s a monster. But then my family are all mad. I’m totally crazy!’ She threw her head back, closed her eyes and pressed her fingers against her brow in what was clearly designed to be a crazy-but-irresistible pose. Matthew laughed. I guessed he would be practising that pose in front of his mirror all evening. I hoped so, anyway. I couldn’t wait to see his version of it.

‘And then there’s Rose Quartz,’ said Beast.

‘God!’ I blurted out. ‘I was so amazed when I heard you’d got Rose Quartz! I told Tam last night and she almost choked on her lasagne!’

‘Is Tam home, then?’ asked Beast. ‘I haven’t seen her for ages. How is she?’

Beast is a good mate of my older sister. In fact he kind of saved her life last summer because he realised she’d got appendicitis and called an ambulance and stuff.

‘Oh, Tam’s great,’ I assured him. ‘She’s just home for a couple of days . . . But Rose Quartz – getting her to top the bill in Jailhouse Rock is such a major coup! She’s got to be in the top ten artistes worldwide! There’s no room on her mantelpiece for any more Grammys!’

‘Yes, but . . .’ Beast’s face clouded over. ‘She’s started messing me about. First she said yes, then she suddenly remembered a gig in Sydney which might clash, then she said it would be OK after all because she’d managed to juggle the flights, but now she’s going cold on the idea because she thinks she’ll have jet lag. I keep telling her she can’t pull out because her name’s on the posters – she doesn’t know there aren’t even any posters yet, because the guy who was supposed to design them has lost the plot.’

‘Oh my God!’ I croaked. ‘How horrible for you!’ Poor Beast looked so stressed – even though his frown did increase his rugged good looks, I preferred to see him smiley and happy. I longed to leap right out of my chair and cradle him in my arms – for about ten years.

‘Don’t worry about Rose Quartz,’ said Charlie firmly. ‘She’s just playing hard to get. She fancied you, I could tell.’ Oh God! Charlie had been with Beast when they had
actually met
Rose Quartz! Maybe Charlie never left his side! She was certainly looking a bit jealous. ‘Rose was hoping you’d apply for the job of toy boy,’ said Charlie with a sly grin that was kind of edgy and tormented. But her torment couldn’t compare to mine. Charlie only had to worry about Rose Quartz. I had to worry about Rose
and
Charlie.

‘Maybe we could help . . . ?’ I ventured.

‘You could join my leafleting team!’ said Matthew with a horrid triumphant pounce. ‘Distribute the flyers! Get shops to display the posters!’

‘Zoe!’ snapped Chloe. ‘We can’t! We’re totally committed to Dan and Tom! Those homeless people need their sleeping bags! Winter is coming!’

I glanced irritably at Chloe. I might have to kill her just slightly for mentioning those fictitious boyfriends again. I might have to murder her toenails or her hair or something.

‘There aren’t any posters yet, anyway,’ sighed Beast.

‘Wait! I’ve got it!’ gasped Charlie. ‘We could have a competition among local schools! The winning design could be used for the poster!’

‘Brilliant!’ said Matthew. Beast looked more uncertain.

‘Could we get it done in time, though?’ he pondered. ‘Those posters have to be out within a month. The schools . . .’

‘I’ll ring them all!’ promised Charlie. ‘I’ll email them all! My mum’s a teacher – I’ll force her to get her class to do something. I’ll work night and day! I’ll never stop! It’ll be brilliant, I promise! When I get excited about something, no power on Earth can stop me!’ She gazed at Beast with adoration. He gave her one of those brave but slightly disbelieving smiles and put his arm round her shoulders for a moment.

‘Thanks, babe,’ he smiled wearily. ‘You’re a star!’

I almost passed out from sheer anguish.