Girl Unknown (20 page)

‘You lied to me. You say you didn’t mean it, but you must have known at some point I’d find out.’

‘Why does it have to matter?’ she implored. ‘What difference does it make? They’re not my parents – not really.’

‘Zoë, they brought you up.’

‘So? That doesn’t mean they loved me.’

‘Can someone tell me what’s going on?’ I asked,
startled by what I was witnessing. It was the first time I had seen any sort of confrontation between them. If I’m honest, I felt a small trill of excitement – the whisper of hope that David had finally seen her true colours.

In terse tones, David explained what he had learned of her adoption. He looked tired, almost dishevelled, as if he had slept in his clothes, or not slept at all. Although he kept his voice low, I knew he was simmering.

‘What about the money?’ he asked her.

‘There was no money.’

‘Zoë, he told me Linda left you six thousand pounds for your education. That he put the cheque into your hands himself. Are you trying to tell me he didn’t?’

‘David, he gave me a cheque all right, but what he didn’t tell you was that it bounced.’

‘What?’

‘There were no funds in the account,’ she explained. ‘Linda didn’t have any money. Nor did I want any from her. Christ, do you think I gave a damn about the money? All I wanted was her, my own mother, even if it was just for a short while.’

He ran a hand over his face, and I couldn’t tell if he believed her or not. I, on the other hand, didn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth. ‘You lied to us,’ I told her.

‘No, I didn’t!’

‘You let us all believe Linda had brought you up,’ I went on, my voice growing insistent.

She wore a petulant expression and refused to look me in the eye, her body still turned towards David. Somehow, that infuriated me even more.

‘Why would you do such a thing?’ I asked. ‘Deny the
existence of people who have cared for you, brought you up, loved you –’

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, Caroline. Loved me? That’s a joke.’

David listened, clearly troubled.

‘They never loved me. They thought adopting me was an act of charity. But they didn’t want me for who I was. They’re the kind of people who think children are things that exist in storybooks. They expected me to be Anne of Green Gables or Pollyanna, but I’m not fucking like that.’

The expletive was a sign that we were getting to her. I saw David blink in surprise – the first time he’d heard a foul word from her honey lips. She saw his surprise and when she spoke again it was in a lowered voice, her shoulders dipping forward fractionally.

‘They didn’t love me. They treated me more like a servant than a daughter.’

‘You could have told us all this,’ David said. ‘You should have been truthful.’

‘I know. But I was ashamed.’

‘Oh, please,’ I said.

‘It’s true,’ she insisted, still looking at David. ‘With my dad … things happened. I thought if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.’

‘What things?’ David asked.

She lowered her gaze, mumbled that she wasn’t sure if she should tell.

‘Zoë, tell me,’ he insisted.

She ran her hand over her mouth. From her reluctance and the closed manner of the reveal, I knew where this was going. She didn’t say outright that she had been
abused, but it was all there in the picking at her cuffs, the summoned tears, allusions to inappropriate behaviour after she turned sixteen. It was about this time that she made contact with Linda.

David’s hand was over his mouth, his eyes fixed on her, clearly troubled by her account. Did he believe it? The way she told it, all the pausing and hesitation, it seemed rehearsed, every stammered word, every meaningful glance cleverly designed to reel him in. She looked decidedly uncomfortable but there was something studied about it, deceit at the back of her eyes.

‘All my life, I’ve felt shunted about,’ she said, her voice small and plaintive, ‘as if no one really wanted to claim me. Always searching for some way of fitting in, but I never could. Not until I found Linda. Then things began to make sense. We were only just getting to know each other when she died, but I’m so grateful for the time we had. You’ve no idea how precious it was to me.’ She bit her upper lip to compose herself, a row of small teeth pressing the colour from her mouth. Holding David’s gaze she said: ‘I’m grateful to her for leading me to you. These past few months, getting to know you, getting to know your family, even being a part of it in some small way – it’s meant everything to me.’

Frustration rose within me. The way she went to work on him right there in front of me was shameless.

‘I know, Zoë,’ he said quietly. ‘And it’s not that I don’t feel the same way. I just want you to understand that we have to be able to trust you.’ He continued to talk about the importance of honesty within a family but I could see that he was thawing. Her story had got to him. She was
nodding as she listened, playing the penitent, bowing her head in remorse, and I felt a lurch of fear. How easily she had crept in among us, her troubling occupancy of the attic room, the nights I lay awake listening to the soft pad of her feet overhead, the murmur of her voice travelling to me through the floorboards. All this time, I had felt her duplicity, the coldness at the heart of her behaviour towards me. Just when I thought her deceptions would be revealed, and David would see for himself her untrustworthy nature, I felt the chance getting away from me. Drained by the encounter, he was bringing it to an end – the prodigal daughter, the forgiving father. Panic set in.

‘Just hang on a minute,’ I said, coming forward to break up their tableau. ‘Is that it?’

‘What do you mean?’ he asked.

‘She lied to us about something pretty serious. What else has she been lying about?’

‘I’m right here in the room, Caroline,’ Zoë said quietly, which I found a little rich, considering how she had refused to make eye contact with me throughout the exchange.

‘I’m not happy to have a person I don’t trust living in this house.’

‘Caroline …’ David began, weariness leaking into his voice.

‘We have to think about the children. What lies have you been telling them?’ I demanded of her.

‘None!’

‘All those hours you and Robbie spend together upstairs, what have you been filling his head with?’

‘Caroline, that’s unfair,’ David interjected.

‘Is it? Look at his behaviour in school since she moved in. His grades have dropped, notes have come home about him not paying attention in class, not to mention his recent suspension. I’m absolutely dreading his parent-teacher meeting.’

‘Well, that’s hardly Robbie’s fault,’ David replied waspishly.

I stared at him, wounded by this sudden attack. His pointed remark, a reference to my indiscretion, in front of Zoë – I could hardly believe it. Glancing at her, I thought I caught the trace of a smirk at the corner of her mouth. In the background, the doorbell rang. None of us made any move to answer it.

‘If you want me to leave, I’ll leave,’ she announced, breaking the silence.

‘For God’s sake,’ David muttered.

‘Just say the word and I’ll pack my bags. I’ll even drop out of university – that way you won’t have to see me at all.’

‘Don’t be so stupid,’ he said, clearly annoyed at the turn the conversation had taken. ‘No one wants you to leave.’

‘
I
want her to leave,’ I countered.

She glanced at me, then looked at the floor, her shoulders slumping forward again, adopting her vulnerable pose. ‘I’ve tried to be friends with you, Caroline. Why don’t you like me?’

I treated that with the disdain it deserved. ‘If she’s lying to us, then what’s she been saying to Robbie and Holly? Don’t you think we should consider their needs, their safety?’

‘Jesus Christ,’ David snapped. ‘Zoë’s their half-sister, not a sociopath.’ The kitchen door opened and his attention momentarily shifted. She caught my eye and I saw her brow arch just a fraction, triumph briefly flashed across her face.

‘It’s Chris,’ Robbie announced, standing in the doorway, glancing nervously at Zoë.

‘Sorry, is this a bad time?’ Chris asked, coming into the kitchen behind him. ‘We’re going for a pint, remember?’

David had his hands to his face, fingertips pressing against closed eyes. Drawing his hands away, he looked tired and defeated. ‘Sorry, Chris. I’d forgotten.’

He made no move to leave, and Chris, detecting the atmosphere in the room, said: ‘Look, we can do it another time. If you guys have things you need to discuss …’ His eyes settled on Zoë as if noticing her for the first time. ‘Hi,’ he said, coming forward and offering his hand, which she shook briefly. ‘I’m Chris.’

‘Zoë.’

‘Do you mind if we leave it?’ David asked, with an air of apology. ‘I’m just back from Belfast and there’s things I need to sort out.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Chris shrugged. ‘I’m happy enough going for a drink on my own.’

‘I’ll go with you.’

We all looked at her in surprise.

‘I mean it,’ Zoë continued, reaching for her jacket, which was slung over the back of a kitchen chair. ‘I could do with a drink.’

‘Okay, sure,’ Chris said, surprise tinged with excitement
on his face. He stood back to let her pass, then turned and raised his hand in salute before following her out.

Seconds later, we heard Robbie going into the living room, then slamming the door behind him. David and I were alone.

‘Does Chris know about Zoë?’ I asked him, and he shook his head.

‘Great,’ I remarked flatly. ‘God knows what lies she’ll tell him.’

‘Would you stop that?’ David said, exasperated.

‘What?’

‘I’m so sick of it, Caroline, this constant negativity towards Zoë, your resentment.’

‘My –’

‘If you actually tried to get to know her, rather than maintaining this suspicion, maybe you wouldn’t feel that way.’

Now anger rose within me, too, like a pain, but his back was already turned. He began opening cupboards and the fridge, pulling out bread, cheese, relish, hastily slapping them all together into a sandwich.

‘I have every right to be suspicious,’ I countered. ‘She’s been lying to us –’

‘About one thing, that’s all. And I can understand her reasons.’

‘Oh, of course you can.’

‘Drop the sarcasm, will you? I’m tired and not in the mood. And another thing,’ he said, moving past me to the kitchen table, bringing his plate down with a hard thud. ‘I thought it crass the way you said she should leave
when she was right there in the room. What got into you? Didn’t you see how upset she was?’

My eyes widened. ‘How upset
she
was?’

‘Oh, Christ, don’t do this now,’ he said, turning away from me and sitting down at the table.

‘Don’t do what?’

‘Don’t make this into a competition between you and her.’

‘
What?
’

He lifted his palms with an air of surrender. Then he picked up his sandwich and began to eat.

How had things spiralled out of control so quickly? I thought of Chris and Zoë sitting in the warm conviviality of our local pub, sharing a joke over their pints, and felt a twinge of envy. Inside our kitchen, it felt very cold. I could tell from the way David was hunched over his sandwich, a hardened look about him, that I would have to pull back, tread a little softly, if I wanted to persuade him.

‘Listen,’ I began, as I sat opposite him. ‘One of the girls at work has a place free in the house she shares. All young girls, in their early twenties. It’s in Ranelagh, close to UCD. I was thinking Zoë might be interested. What do you reckon?’

‘She couldn’t afford the rent,’ he replied, taking another bite.

‘Well, we could help out there.’

‘A few days ago you were losing the plot over my suggestion of paying her college fees. Now you want to stump up for her rent?’

I ignored the barb. ‘This was never supposed to be a permanent arrangement, David. It was just a stop-gap
until she found somewhere new to live. Robbie’s going to be doing his Junior Certificate in a few months. He needs to be able to concentrate on his studies. Her presence at home is unsettling for all of us – a distraction.’

‘Robbie will be fine.’

‘Really? I’m worried about him.’

‘You’re overreacting. He’s fifteen. Teenage boys act up from time to time. And I’ll talk to him about his homework, get him to knuckle down a bit.’

‘Will you?’

He must have heard the doubt in my voice, for his gaze narrowed, his mouth settling into a grim line. ‘I just said I would, didn’t I?’

‘You’ve been so distracted lately. You keep brushing aside Robbie’s behaviour, instead of tackling him about it. I can’t help but feel that you’ve stepped back a bit from him – from Holly too. They need your attention as well, David, your love.’

‘Hang on a second. You’re the one who’s been out until all hours, doing trade shows and what-have-you, and now you’re giving
me
a hard time about not being there for the kids?’

‘What are you saying?’ I asked. ‘That I shouldn’t have gone back to work?’

The swing of the argument took over, each of us drawing on the peculiar accounting involved in parenting, trotting out all the hours each of us spent with the kids versus the time we had to ourselves. Revisiting old ground, we criticized each other’s parenting styles: I accused him of being too hands-off, then jumping in at the last minute with harsh discipline; he argued that I was
too soft on them, too wrapped up in their lives, that I didn’t give them the space and freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. The whole thing was exhausting.

David finished his sandwich and got up.

‘What about Zoë?’ I said, determined not to let him walk out of the room without reaching some kind of agreement.

He put his plate into the dishwasher, then straightened up. ‘I’ll talk to her. Tell her she can stay here until the exams are over.’

‘That’s not until the end of May.’

‘It’s a natural break, Caroline. End of semester. She’ll probably be heading abroad with her friends anyway – she mentioned something about a J1 visa for the States. We can make it clear that when she gets home after the summer she’ll no longer be living here.’