Girl Through Glass (2 page)

In the whitewashed, cinder-block viewing room on the basement level of the new arts center, I take off my wool jacket. I smooth my black sweater dress, spray my hair to keep down the frizz, put on lipstick. I change into my heels. I load today's DVD behind the lectern and set up the viewing for the day. Today we're watching
Le Sacre du Printemps
. Of course they have already read all about it. They think they know it—Stravinsky's famous
Rite of Spring
—of course,
everyone
knows it. But few have actually
seen
it.

This is Dance History 101, first viewing section of the week. The students are a standard representation of the usual dance majors and minors, with a sprinkling of theater majors. Of the dance majors, there's two-thirds of the “dance cabal,” the rotating group of students most devoted to dance at the moment, a showing from the contact improv crew, a few former bunheads who, despite their ripped jeans, piercings, and asymmetrical haircuts have not shed their romanticism or rigidity, and one kid who drives to Cleveland to take hip-hop class, since this department is modern-based, with a lineage that runs back to the 1960s.

They enter with a scuffle of backpacks and scrape of tin water bottles, these students whose style now resembles backwoods backpackers. They pull their laptops covered in stickers out of their rucksack-size bags. And, as an afterthought, their books, which they keep on their laps because there's no room on their desks. I've stopped trying to form chair circles. Whose idea was it to put wheels
on these chairs? I wait for the chairs to settle into formation. Today it's a kind of a star-shaped cluster.

The DVD starts. Here is the opening of
Le Sacre
—fierce tableaus of people in bearskins and Roman sandals. A set of pointy trees, a round and ruthless sun. Their movements stab and jab and rush along with the thunder and jolt of Stravinsky's score. Halfway into the piece the group parts and reveals the shimmering awkward girl, the sacrificial lamb. She dances her strange stiff-limbed expressionless solo. Ostensibly it's the story of the ritual pagan sacrifice of a young woman who dances herself to death, but the choreography tells another story.

She strikes out, scours the stage with extended limbs, pushing back her attackers. She's not cowering, but filled with rage at her fate. She's not a lamb at all. At the final discordant climb of the shattering music, the group rushes toward her and raises her high above them, and it feels like a victorious moment. But a victory of what?

The students—I check their faces in the dimness—keep looking down or picking at the stickers on their laptops. When it's over I raise the lights. “Wow. Intense,” they say. But how to unpack it, to
illuminate
it?

Michael, one of the cabal this year, jumps right in. “I mean
really
. Compare it to what we saw last week, all those tutus and girls in white and wailing violins”—the class laughs—“but if you think about it, it has the same, I mean the same
exact
themes as those Romantic ballets—
La Sylphide.
You know, the girl, the mad girl who loses her mind and dances herself to death . . . because she is too innocent or whatever—”

I nod. “Okay. But consider—you're used to seeing ballerinas in tutus, sylphs, fairy tales lit by oil lamps, and now you are going to the theater—it's 1913—and you are seeing
this
. How would it surprise you? Would it
astonish
you? Remember the title of our reading—‘The Age of Astonishment.'”

We dig into the choreography—“jagged,” “one-dimensional,” “awkward” are the words they use. They note the turned-in legs and
feet, the angular arms, the lack of plié. “Clearly a reaction to classical dance,” says Jen, normally a quiet girl.

“Right,” I say. I tell them that Nijinsky's dancers were often in open revolt at his choreography. “He made them use their bodies against every bit of training that they had ever received in the ballet academies of Russia and France. He asked them to betray everything they'd worked for.”

“It's good Diaghilev's weight was behind him,” says Michael.

“You mean on
top
of him,” says Karl, the other gay guy in the group. The class titters.

“Private life aside, what is Nijinsky trying to do here?” I ask.

“I think he, Nijinksy, was just listening really, trying to fit the movement to the music. It's so fierce and so totally devoid of compassion. These are people who have been stripped down to
nothing
by the fear of the cosmos.” Sioban's eyes open wide, as if she is just realizing the truth of what she is saying. “That's what he's trying to say in this dance. It's like
Heart of Darkness
by Joseph Conrad—it's about hate and fear and the savagery of the human heart, you know?”

They've been waiting for her to speak, passionate tawny-skinned Sioban who is just discovering modern dance, and is imbibing it with a missionary zeal. Classically trained, she danced professionally in the corps of a regional ballet company for a while. But she is also a neuroscience major and has an impressive bunch of scholarships, of the kind for “nontraditional students.”

Michael jumps in. “It's camp! That girl's Godzilla stare—come on! It's totally over the top!”

Sioban stares at me, waiting. She has a long bony face and a constellation of acne scars across one cheek. She has curly black hair, which she wears in a high ponytail, and light blue eyes that look almost crystal. Her beauty is hard to find the source of. I remember she's a refugee from the world of ballet, that cult of beauty and perfection that I disappeared into for years of my life too.

My heart starts beating faster. I flush. I don't like to defend one
student over another. But we're onto something here. “Well, let's not forget the audience's reaction, which was discussed in the article you read—near riots, remember? Can
camp
explain that powerful a reaction?” This is what I love about teaching—when some truth rises out of necessity, a truth that feels for a moment unshakable. Sioban's truth this time.

“This dance was deeply unsettling to a public still schooled in Romanticism. They wanted a fantasy of exoticism, not an encounter with our own deepest pathos.” I'm walking around the edge of the star shape. Their heads crane to follow me. “Yes, it is a deeply unsettling piece of art. And it was very serious about its intent.”

They—my students—bring me out, they bring me alive. I feel their eyes on me. They are waiting for something more. I drop my awareness down into my psoas muscles and envision energy into my legs. I feel my toes on the floor. For years the greatest challenge of the academic life for me was the lack of physical motion that went along with it. But I've learned that stillness has power too.

Then the words arise.

“Modernism wasn't just a response to what came before, but it was also a reorganization of self in relation to a changing world. So what is this world? A world that must confront the darkest parts of its own psyche without the aids of fantasy, of beauty, of escapism.”

Before they leave, I remind them that spring break is coming up and that their take-home midterm will be available tonight, and due by Friday at midnight.

Now comes the deflation after class—the synapses have been firing,
my temperature rising—and I'm back out in the March gloom, a shell of a person, my insides flayed and carted away. Teaching is an extension of my early performing.

The slushy ice crackles under my feet as I head toward my office on the top floor of Johnson, the looming stone and wood mastodon of a building built in the 1920s. I shudder, hurrying along the frozen sidewalk.

At Johnson, I stop by the program office to pick up my mail, then I swing by Bernadith Lissbloom's office. Bernadith is one of my supervisors, a history department head, a Russian history specialist, a lesbian, and a raiser of Rhodesian ridgeback dogs. She has been a supporter of me and my work, but she's old guard, comes at it from a social historian's angle, all materialist, Hegelian. No gender studies, no Lacan, no Derrida.

Her door is open, I poke my head in. “Any news?”

Her quiet, flush-cheeked bulldog self barely looks up. “Not yet. End of spring break we should have a decision.”

Why do university administrators so much enjoy the power of withholding? I'm coming on the end of a one-year visiting professor appointment without a clear sense of where I'll be in the fall. Again. For the third year in a row.

Last November, when they announced the Pell, a new tenure-track cross-disciplinary position they were creating in performance studies, I thought,
Yes!
I feel a kinship with this small town, its frozen driveways, its bright gray lid of a sky, its timid attempts at downtown beautification, its inveterate army navy store, its cluster of local-food restaurants for the visiting parents. My self-destructive tendencies are in check here. In the past, my exacting nature has cost me popularity among my colleagues.

I hope I get the Pell. I pray for it.

Kate, I say to myself.
Do not fuck up now.
There's too much of me, or too much desire, or desire of the wrong kind. Whatever it is, when I
let go,
I ruin things. I need to keep myself contained, buttressed.

I've learned that the hard way.

At the end of the summer, Mira's mother takes her to Selba's. Selba's is in Manhattan, but all the way east, on a block of stores with names like Wetzel's Hosiery Outlet and Abraham and Son's Brassieres. Even if you go in the middle of the day, there are few people on the street.

They walk from the subway in the afternoon sun. Only the occasional car passes, stirring up the fetid water from the gutter. Men in tall black hats with curls of hair flowing from their ears peek out of the tiny storefronts. Above hang the black tentacles of rusted fire escapes.

And there is still the stench, the smoldering that's been in the air for weeks after the blackout. The smell of charred rubber and plastic hangs over the empty lots they pass. It makes Mira cough. The overgrown grass has been replaced by husks of bottles turned dark and cloudy from flames, scorched bricks, the flesh of tires. “The smell of the apocalypse!” her mother says, laughing. Mira holds her nose.

Inside the store, round women with stiff piles of hair guard the bins of cellophane-wrapped leotards and tights. They loudly tell customers to keep their underwear on, hand them stretched-out samples, and point to the dingy curtain. All the clothes in this store have something wrong with them—sleeves of slightly different sizes, crooked seams, or puckers in the fabric.

Her mother likes old things, used things. That is why Mira spends so much time at the dusty Salvation Army on Atlantic Avenue while her mother shops for plates, silverware, clothes. Selba's is
one of those places where Mira's mother shops, not out of poverty but to prove a point to the world.

Her mother! Mira's mother is not like other mothers—and especially not like other ballet mothers.

Ballet mothers pack tiny, neatly wrapped sandwiches of sardines (good for the bones), little plastic bags of celery and carrot sticks, and yogurt with prunes. They name their daughters Danielle, Isabelle, Vanessa, something that sounds like a flower or a bell. They dress in one of two ways: in flats, Capris, and demure cable-knit sweaters—like grown-up versions of their daughters—or in fur and perfume, carrying shiny leather appointment books for their daughters. They wait in the dressing room for their daughters to finish class, crocheting or gossiping.

But Mira's mother makes Mira chickpea sandwiches on bread that crumbles when she touches it. Mira's mother wears orange jumpsuits and culottes, and
drops her off
and leaves
to do errands,
floating in at the end of class, smelling fresh and sour, like the ocean and a cloudy day. And instead of a name like a bell or a flower, she named her Mira because it is
unusual
and
different
and so now the Puerto Rican girls say
Mira Mira, is you red-haired Puerto Rican?

No, she's just a white girl with a weird mother.

But now it scarcely matters anymore. Mira is eleven and can get herself to class. She travels with her friend Val who lives in her neighborhood but goes to a different school. They meet by the subway, their dance bags full, their hair already bound up in high ponytails, their hairnets and bobby pins in the outer pockets of their bags.

Mira's mother, in paint-splattered overalls and head kerchief, is conferring with a Selba's saleslady. The saleslady is rifling through a stack of leotards and her mother is nodding distractedly—Mira can tell she is still thinking about one of her half-finished paintings.

“Better to get them big,” her mother agrees. The saleslady picks up a cap-sleeved leotard that has come loose from its packaging and lies on the bottom of the bin. She brushes off the lint.

“We're supposed to wear spaghetti strap,” Mira says quickly. “Cap sleeve are for Level One and Two.”

Mira's mother looks from her eleven-year-old daughter to the wigged saleslady; her forehead pinches together. “Excuse me,” she says to the lady. Then, to Mira, “Outside!” On the sidewalk, they stand in a patch lit by the afternoon sun. The mica in the sidewalk glints all around Mira's sandals. A fat pigeon with a clubfoot pecks along the curb. Down the narrow street that intersects with this one, Mira can see the tower of a factory spewing smoke into the gray air.

Her mother puts her face right up to Mira's. But she doesn't yell. Instead, she leans against the wall and then slides down until she is sitting on the sidewalk. She drops her head in her hands. “Time for a break,” she says. You can hear a bit of her Manhattan voice creeping in, a snipping of the vowels and a hardening of the consonants.

Mira sits down next to her. Her mother digs in her big suede shoulder bag.

“Mom, people are staring.”

“Who are these theoretical people?” Rachel pulls out a bag of crushed nuts and smashed raisins and offers some to Mira. Mira looks down the long, narrow street. In the distance, she can see someone coming.

“Him.” They stare as a man's form fills out with details. He has greasy hair and wears a plaid jacket. He is walking under a green and red awning. He is smoking a cigarette.

“You think you'll ever see him again?” her mother says loudly as the man lopes past.

The man steals a glance at her mother, then stops, as if he just remembered something. “Got a light?” he says.

Her mother scrounges around in her bag. Other mothers have purses, her mother has a
bag
—it is a big suede one made of colorful leather straps. She pulls out a dog-eared book of matches.

“Hey,” he says, looking at the logo of the nightspot on the matchbook cover. “That's a good place. They've got a good piano bar.”

“I know,” she says. She pulls the kerchief off her hair, so that it falls down. It is long, wavy, and very red.

“That's some hair, lady,” he says.

“Rachel,” Mira says. “Her name's Rachel.” Her mother lets her call her Rachel sometimes. Sometimes she insists on it. It's hard to say when she is Mira's mom and when she is Rachel.

He laughs. “Okay, kid. Okay.” Something bright and bubbling passes between him and her mother. Abruptly, her mother puts the bag of nuts back in her purse and stands up. She shakes her head so that her hair moves over her shoulders. She moves her weight onto one hip. “We have to get on with our shopping mission.”

He begins to move away. With a few furtive looks back, he moves into the shadow of the next building. Then her mother's hand is on the back of her head, pushing Mira inside. At the counter, her mother mumbles something.
An emergency . . . tow to the Bowery . . . Can you watch her for twenty minutes or so?
The ladies seem to understand something in her voice. Not quite her Manhattan voice. Not quite her Brooklyn voice. Something low and rolling behind the high, strained notes. The shop lady nods. As Mira climbs up on a rickety stool the shop lady has gestured toward, she knows there is no emergency. They took the subway here. Rachel's eyes brush over Mira with an unseeing look, and, cheeks blazing, she exits.

Mira sees through her sideways vision the man's plaid coat disappear and she feels the rise of the familiar loneliness of waiting, while the city rushes, clocks, and clatters all around her.

Ever since she was little, Mira remembers the feeling: her mother would be there, and then suddenly not.
Mom,
she would call. And then her mom would appear from another part of the house, or another part of a store, or even where she had vanished moments before from a crowded sidewalk.

Her mother always comes back from wherever she goes, her voice, no longer fraught and high, but low and Brooklyn, full of salt and tide. Mira's job is just to wait.

On the subway ride home, amid the rhythmic clatter of the train, Mira
looks up at her mother. “Do you and Dad love each other?” she asks.

Her mother looks at her daughter, her daughter who, to her secret pride, is another version of her. Pale skin, freckles, hair the color of carrots simmered too long in broth.

“Of course.”

“What's the difference between being in love and loving each other?” Mira's voice is becoming higher, more anxious.

Her mother sighs. “Being in love is like falling off a cliff. Being in love is like flying—or falling. All you feel is the wind around you.” She adds: “Loving someone is something you can feel along with lots of other feelings.”

“Can you hate and love someone at the same time?”

“Well, yes, I think you can. Yeah, I definitely think you can.”

“Do you sometimes hate Dad?”

“Of course not. Why would you ask that?”

The train clatters and bangs in the tunnel under the water toward Brooklyn. When the train squeals into their station, they gather their bags and get off.

They turn down Clark Street. They pass stores whose front windows are still shattered. Tape covers the web of cracks at the florist shop. A board covers the front of the shoe repair shop. A lightning strike to a power generator, they said. Act of god, they called it. But the fires and broken windows were not caused by god.

They pass in front of the giant old hotel where old men gather pushing shopping carts stuffed with their belongings. Her father tells her to ignore these men, they are
tenants
who in time will be
replaced
, but her mother always greets them. “Evening, captains,” she says in her Brooklyn voice. The men show grins of missing teeth.

A cool gust of wind blows in from the harbor. It is a clear evening, with darkness spreading across the sky.

“I hope Dad is home,” Mira says. The shreds of a sunset hang over lower Manhattan, behind the lit-up jigsaw of buildings. An eerie silence comes over the city, as if it remembers how it is to be naked in the night.

But her father is not home.

“Maybe he's just late,” says her mother, but her voice is low and unsure. Her Brooklyn voice. When Mira goes upstairs, she finds her father's dresser top cleaned of cuff links and his closet empty of suits.