Girl In Pieces (11 page)

Everything changed with a phone call.

Something’s happened to her. Josh, she needs help.
Julie’s voice shook and in the background I could hear Tyler telling her to breathe.

Everything’s going to be fine,
he told her,
Josh will go get her.

I’d been fighting with Brian’s complicated accounting system, all of the books spread out across the bar top, but none of it made sense. His numbers seemed to defy all laws of mathematics even though they worked out right in the end. All I wanted to know was why our deliveries were all messed up. When I answered at midnight, I hadn’t expected Julie’s frightened voice on the other end.

I’d run. I didn’t see red lights or stop signs or other cars. I’d never been so worried about anyone in my life but the whole time I’d known this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been so fucking afraid of loving her.

No, let’s be honest. I was afraid of breaking her.

Something’s happened to her. Josh, she needs help.

Then, when I’d found her safe and sound, that worry had turned to anger. Writhing, white hot anger. Not just at her for being stupid and putting herself right in harm’s way as if she were really that naive. As if she didn’t know better.
 
But she wasn’t any of those things. She grew up in South River and South River had no shortage of assholes, most of which loved to drink at South River Bar. She knew how to take care of herself. She should never have willingly walked right into danger like that.

No, I was more angry with myself than with Katrina. I’d done this to her. Her recklessness, her passion, her desperation – that was all me because I couldn’t let go of my careful control and lose myself in her. I’d thought if I barred her entrance into my world, she’d just go back to her life where the only drama she faced was mostly self-inflicted and encouraged by her troupe of girlfriends. That was how I’d thought I’d wanted Kat, blissful and carefree and careless in the best possible ways. I had not, under any circumstances, wanted to push her into a situation where she had to go looking for passion in strangers.

But of course that’s exactly what she’d done and I should have known that’s how she’d react to being left out there alone.

That thought brought back a wave of anger and jealousy as I stalked out into the street. My replacement had hurt her. Maybe not physically, but there was damage there. I’d seen it in her puffy face, in her empty eyes. She’d wanted to trust someone as much as she trusted me, and he’d betrayed that. I knew that betrayal was as much my fault as it was his.

And that stubborn, bratty girl was still in there refusing to leave with me out of some childish spite. I should have dragged her out kicking and screaming if I had to. But if she wanted to hide in there with all the drunks and gang bangers so be it. That was her choice. She’d done this to herself. Maybe I’d pushed her away but she made the choice to get into that man’s car. She’d face the consequences on her own and then maybe this would never happen again.

Of course, no matter how rational that sounded, I couldn’t make myself get into my car and go home. I just stood there staring at the keys in my hand, letting the rain soak into my coat. It was still warm for November, but the weather would soon make a dramatic change to cold and snowy. Tonight the rain was just barely liquid, a degree or two away from turning to ice. But despite its chill, I couldn’t leave.

Those eyes…they’d murdered me. Once upon a time, I’d seen them light up with untempered excitement at the smallest pleasure. When I made popcorn and added lemon and cayenne to the buttery hot mess, she’d announced that was the only way she’d ever eat popcorn again. When she put on costume cat ears and declared today the Other Halloween. When she crowned herself with a paper crown and demanded I double the cherries in her drinks or parish under her short but mighty reign. These were what made her overflow with joy, this homespun wonderland. I’d loved that she could be enraptured by the smallest things. She’d made me feel that way, sometimes. I’d have given anything to see the world through her eyes just once.

But that ridiculousness also made our age difference that much more apparent. She made me feel young one moment and far too old the next.

And tonight those eyes had been filled with such intense self-loathing that it had made me sick inside. Kneeling in front of her I’d wanted to bury myself in the folds of her skirt and beg her forgiveness. Beg her to let me love her. Beg for…
shit
. That would have been the first time I’d ever begged for anything from anyone. And she’d brought me to my knees with one heartbreaking look.

My phone buzzed. It shook me loose and I leaned into the side of my SUV to check the message, half expecting it to be Kat.

I need to see you.

Then-

It’s not what you think. I need to see you tonight.

Michelle. Unbelievable. After I’d asked her to leave Halloween morning, she’d left swearing and hating me for picking someone like Kat over someone like her. She turned into a lioness, warning me that I’d find myself friendless in the community if I stopped seeing her. She threatened Kat’s reputation, which had stripped away my guilt and respect and left us yelling at each other in the hallway. She swore I’d never hear from her again and when I discovered that Kat couldn’t fulfill my needs, no matter how much I begged, she’d never come back to me. I promised her that would never happen.

At no point did it occur to me to contradict her assumption that Kat and I had any future together.

To her credit, she’d done exactly what she’d promised. She hadn’t contacted me until now.
It’s not what you think.
My first thought was that it was some kind of dramatic booty call. So if it wasn’t that, then what could we have to talk about?

Before I had a chance to answer her, the station doors
whooshed
open. I turned towards the sound of someone splashing down the steps towards me. Despite myself, despite everything that had happened, I grinned and turned to collect her.

The rain hadn’t let up during my brief, overdramatic incarceration.

Cops and criminals filled the main station room, loud and jostling. There were real prostitutes waiting for processing next to people who seemed dedicated to fulfilling criminal stereotypes. Hoodies, piercings, bleary-eyed addicts and fishnet stockings. Rotund bellies next to tattooed badasses. It was like being on the set of a crime show, except for the very real smells. And vomit.

I did not see Thomas and no one stopped me as I followed Josh out.

Rivers of rain poured down the front doors, obscuring my view of Josh’s retreating back. I collected my wilted courage and trudged out after him. He must have heard me because he turned before reaching his car.

I stopped a few steps away, unsure if he’d bite if I got too close.

He stared down at me, the rough stubble along his jaw and disheveled appearance made him more imposing and gorgeous out here in the dark. A strange, carnal desire to let this man pull me into the back seat of his SUV and punish me for everything I’d said and done to him that night overwhelmed me. I swallowed, pressed my hand to my stomach to calm the butterflies there, and bowed my head. 

Josh stepped closer. “I thought you’d rather sleep in the drunk tank than accept my help.”

“Please take me home,” I begged.

“Ok.” Josh said without hesitating. “Get in.”

Josh’s Explorer was pretty much the opposite of Thomas’s ultra-sleek futuristic sports car. It was rough around the edges from hauling bar stock and frequent camping trips. It smelled like men’s shampoo and leather boots and old coffee and had scuff marks along the glove box from where I put my feet up on the dash. We were public transportation people in our day-to-day lives, so riding with Josh on a pickup or delivery was like going on a road trip. I’d pack snacks and playlists and he’d point out we were only going across the city.

It’ll take us fifteen minutes
, he’d say.
I’ll pretend it’s longer
, I’d answer.

My little sounds, the buckle clicking into place, my chattering teeth, the squeak of my thighs against wet leather made the muted silence in the cab feel even more oppressive. Every time I shifted he’d glance at me. Even breathing was too much noise. I became gigantic as I thundered through the quiet. I’d never felt so large and bullish in my life.

“You’re cold,” he said without looking at me.

“I’m ok.”

He flipped switches anyway, and turned knobs until the heater came alive. At first it just made me shiver harder, but as we pulled out into the empty, quiet streets, the warmth began to have some effect on my numb fingers.

We managed to drive a good 58 seconds before he broke the silence with more of his impatient questions.

“Where did you meet him?”

“Josh,” I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Damn it, Kat.” His jaw tightened as he worked through his temper. His body screamed with barely held restraint. “I just want to know you’re safe. There are too many men who claim to be dominant lovers and end up sadistic and cruel while claiming you asked for it. I just need to know.”

“I don’t want to tell you.” I looked out the window at the sleepy world, everyone dreaming their pretty dreams. I envied them tonight. I’d never in my life wanted to me so normal and boring as I did right then. “You’ll think I was being foolish. You won’t think for a second I did anything to protect myself.”

“No more yelling, I promise. Just tell me the truth.”

“I answered a personal ad.” He opened his mouth to break his promise but I held up my hand to stop him. “I texted his information to Julie. We went to dinner, that’s it. A plain, old fashioned, no whips invited date. He was nice, actually, despite how things ended up. He tried to impress me with his car and…it doesn’t matter. You know what happened. Worst date ever, but it didn’t start out that way.  I was never in any danger from him. He was an idiot, not a psychopath.”

“He paid for escorts,” Josh protested.

“I didn’t know that ahead of time. It’s not like people advertise their dirty little secrets the moment you meet them, no matter how you meet them. I’ve known you my whole life and didn’t know yours until a month ago, so please. Spare me your judgment. According to your view of my world, you are just as suspect. Who knows what danger I’ve placed myself in getting into your car.”

“You’re not amusing.” His curt tone and reproachful look cut off of my snotty response. I shrank own in my seat a little and looked back out the window. “It’s not the same thing, Kat. It’s hard to know who to trust.”

“You’re not kidding.” I exhaled onto the window, puffing a cloud across the glass. I drew my name in the fog with the tip of my finger.
Kat
. “I trusted you after all.”

Ouch. Josh withdrew and fell silent. The stretch of leather between us grew by miles. The heat warming my skin had a sleepy effect and while he wrestled with his thoughts, I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. Despite everything, it was easy to let my guard down with Josh next to me. I still trusted him, which seemed both foolish and inevitable.

“If you knew,” he said suddenly, his voice low and intimate. “If you had any idea the things I dream about doing to you, you’d never forgive me. I’d kill another man for wanting what I want from you.” 

My whole body responded to those words, like gunpowder under my skin. With a look, his husky voice, and those miles between us snapped closed and suddenly there wasn’t enough room. I could almost feel the heat coming off his skin. 

I dug my nails into my thighs and shot him a furious look.

“Nothing could be as bad as what I want.”

Josh waved his hand dismissively. “You don’t know what you want. You have no idea.”

“I want to be tied down,” I shot back. “Arms behind my back. Face down. Blindfolded.”

Josh froze.

“I want deafeningly loud music and no knowledge of what’s about to happen to me.”

Muscles from his shoulders, biceps, forearms, right down to his fists, tightened like dominos. He didn’t dare look at me this time, but I knew he heard every word, could feel it when the steering wheel whined when he twisted his hands against it.

Emboldened by his reaction, I closed those few inches between my fingertips and his body and slid my fingers along his belt.

“And then I want this.”

When I hooked my fingertips over the sharp leather edge and tugged, he swerved over the middle line into the next lane. Josh swore, jerked back into his lane, and clamped a hand down hard over mine. His nostrils flared.

“You,” he warned, “have no idea what you’re asking for.”

“Should I beg instead?”

Josh hit the brakes, letting my hand go and bringing us to a squealing, hydroplaning stop several feet from the moment he put his foot down. The force threw me into my seat belt and then back into my seat hard. I swore. He swore. I twisted to look out the back window, half expecting police or, hell, an alien invasion wouldn't have been out of the question. But there was nothing but us idling in the dark, the Explorer’s headlights the only illumination for blocks.

He breathed hard, stared straight out the window into the rain and did not let go of the steering wheel for anything. He held onto it like he was the only thing standing in the way of the aliens and my pending abduction. His intensity worried me.

“You have no idea what you’re tempting me with.” He exhaled a soft, throaty wanting noise. “You greatly overestimate my self-control.”

“You should have taken me home that night.” My hurt bled into my accusation more than I’d expected. It suddenly seemed so important that he not know how much my heart hurt from his dismissal. “You should have let me try to earn you. I wanted so badly to know what your hand felt like spanking…”

“
Stop
.”

My words froze on my tongue and I immediately obeyed.
Obeyed
. That word meant so much more now. It was that voice, that demanding voice like a threat that would not allow me to push his limits. It was more powerful than his hands in my hair, holding my head down. It should have scared me but all it made me want to do is place my head in his lap and wait for his next command.

“I’ve never met anyone who needed to be gagged as much as you do,” he continued, a wry, sadistic amusement curling the corner of his mouth. He ran a shaking hand back through his hair before returning to the steering wheel. “We made a mistake and we’ll never be able to undo the damage. We’ll never be able to go back to how we were, no matter how much I wish we could.”

“I wanted it,” I shot back, my heart beating like gunfire against my ribs. “God, I
begged
for it. I don’t want to hear about how much of a mistake I was. What’s wrong with me wanting it? Why does playing with me disgust you but playing with Michelle is so bloody wonderful?”

“It has nothing to do with her,” he snapped. “I don’t feel disgust, Kat. I feel shame. You’re Brian’s little sister, somehow still fourteen years old and bratty and endlessly in the way. I can’t seem to forget that little fact.”

There.
 
A throb beneath my breast bone. My skin tightened down my arms, across my scalp. The rushing, falling, vertigo feeling when you hear something you don’t want to and you can’t make it stop.

He squeezed his fists, the focus of his control. I wanted to touch them, to know what his fear felt like shaking him apart like that. I didn’t dare, though. I stayed pressed against my door and stared at him like
he
 
was the alien.

He exhaled. “And all I want to do is tie you down with my belt and kiss and lick and bite every inch of your body until you’re screaming. I can’t reconcile the two girls. It’s impossible.”

“Josh.”

I love you. I love you like a wrecking ball, like I know I shouldn’t, like the worst idea ever. I love you even though I know it’s a stupid, reckless thing to do.

He looked at me, blue eyes so blue even in the dark and the shadow of stubble along his jaw aging him, making him more masculine and rough around the edges. I wanted to put my hands inside his coat and climb into his lap and kiss him until all his words went away and we could finally let go of all that control.

But instead I dug my nails into my palm to keep the real words locked up where they couldn’t get me into trouble.

“You think it’s that easy, just letting me hurt you without knowing how you will react?” He ran his hands down along the shape of the wheel and back up to the top. Each caress slow and measured.

“Not everyone gets off on it,” he continued when I didn’t answer. “I suspect it doesn’t ever stop being pain and humiliation for most, even submissives. It’s rarely indulgent and gratifying, let alone physical pleasure. You think I could just live with myself if I bruised your body and instead of loving it, you hated it? Do you think I could survive hurting you for fun, being turned on by every mark, every scream, while you become increasingly more afraid of me? It would kill me, Kat. It would kill me to become your monster. You can’t ask me to test that possibility.”

He closed his eyes and dug out the last of my heart, making sure he got every morsel.

Because he was right, of course. Forcing him to do this one thing he did not want to do would have been selfish and cruel.

Josh made his choice and I had to let him.

“Thank you for coming after me even though you didn’t have to,” I said softly. “It meant everything to me.”

“You scared the hell out of me tonight.” He shook his head, disgust twisting his mouth. “I am
not
 
Brian. I don’t care how much distance is between us, I would never not come for you, Kat. I know I opened my mouth and became this asshole because I was scared to death, but I am
not
 
Brian.”

“I know,” I said, detaching myself one word at a time. “I don’t really hate you. Much. Mostly. Sort of.”

Josh smiled briefly and let go of his death stranglehold on the steering wheel. His arms slackened. “You do. And you should. I deserve it.”

“Josh.”

“Don’t.” He tore his eyes off the road and met my needy, fervent gaze. “What’s done is done. We can’t go back. Pretending otherwise won’t undo any of it.”

What he was saying was,
if you say what you want to say, I will be forced to break your heart again.
 

“We should go. I want to go home and you’ve got someone waiting for you. We’ve wasted enough time.”

He shook his head and pulled back out into the left hand lane, all our confessions left out on that wet street. “No one is waiting for me, Kat. She’s not…we’re not…I didn’t sleep with her that night. I sent her home. I made a mistake calling her in the first place.”

Lie. Maybe. Maybe he didn’t sleep with her that night, but he had since. I’d seen her car on our street enough times to know she wasn’t just hanging out with him, her
Master
, watching TV or playing Monopoly.