Girl, Going on 16: Pants on Fire (27 page)

Miss Thorn had a number of catchphrases which Jess thought might be useful. She made a list:

Be quiet!
(That one came out like the bark of a yappy little dog.)

Yo
u
’ve not come here to enjoy yourselves.

As you can see, nobod
y
’s amused.

If I hear the slightest whisper yo
u
’ll all be here after school.

Ah, another doomed attempt at humour.

It seemed as if Miss Thorn had a hang-up about laughter. The script practically wrote itself.

Jess had a bit of a problem inventing a name for her, though. At first she turned over dozens of harsh, vicious names: Jacqueline Scratch, Martha Murgatroyd, Harriet Steel.

But then she happened to be ransacking the kitchen drawer – looking for a plastic bag to wrap her ingredients for the home economics lesson – and she caught sight of a pile of old leaflets and guarantees for various kitchen appliances. And one was called the ‘Sunbeam’.

A perfect name for Miss Thorn! Of course, irony was much better than giving a vicious person a vicious name. Miss Sunbeam. Fantastic. Jess tried to think of a soft, gentle first name for her. Ah! Susie.

‘I’m calling her Susie Sunbeam,’ she said to the gang when they met at Fred’s that night. They all thought it was perfect.

‘And, hey, it’s got – uh, illiteracy,’ said Ben Jones.

‘Alliteration, Ben, you primitive life form,’ said Jess. She abused him to his face now in front of Fred – and she got the feeling Ben liked it. ‘Illiteracy is something else.’

The weeks passed, and the show took shape. There was a sketch called ‘The Pointless Olympics’. Events included Picking the Nose While Standing on One Leg, Trying Not to Cry While Thinking of Puppies Being Ill-treated, and Being Bored. Fred was the hysterically patriotic commentator. Another of Jess’s favourite sketches involved Ben, Mackenzie and Fred as a girls’ band – not playing, just kind of talking to ‘camera’ about their success.

Of course there was all the organising to do as well. Ben turned out to be curiously efficient. He booked the school hall for the lunch hour the day before school broke up for Christmas, and he persuaded Mr Monroe the sports teacher to do the lighting for them.

One Thursday afternoon, Jess and Ben met in the corridor and he showed her the poster design. He’d based it on Flora’s Great Masters parody photo of Jess as
Girl with a Pearl Nose-ring
.

‘You’re totally brilliant at this publicity stuff, Ben,’ said Jess.

‘I’m, uh, rubbish at acting, though,’ said Ben. ‘It’s really, like, amazing, the way you and Fred can kind of make up jokes and do imitations of people. And write those scripts together.’

‘Yes,’ said Jess. ‘Sometimes it’s like I’m reading his mind. Although often it’s totally disgusting.’

‘You’re a great team,’ said Ben.

‘Yeah, I’m glad we’re back together,’ said Jess.

‘Hmmm. Kind of tough for the rest of us, though,’ said Ben. ‘Ah well. I’ll get over it. At least I’ve got the poster.’ He waved the artwork of Jess. ‘Must remember to, umm, save one for my bedroom wall.’ He grinned, and then blushed slightly.

For a moment Jess felt frozen. Was Ben saying . . . he actually fancied her? Ben Jones, the school love god, whom she had so adored only six months ago?

‘Well, gotta go . . .’ mumbled Ben. ‘Glad you like the poster. I’ll get them printed off tonight.’ And he was gone.

Jess stood still for a moment and marvelled at how strange life was. Ben Jones apparently fancied her! Six months ago, the very thought would have made her fall to her knees in shock. But now that she and Fred were together, well, all she felt was a kind of faint nostalgic frisson. The ghost of a thrill. And, of course, she felt sorry for Ben. She hoped one day he would find the girl he deserved – somebody wonderful. Although not quite as wonderful as Jess, of course.

Ben, being football captain, was adored by millions, and he got a tribe of small boys to stick the posters up around school. They’d decided to charge a £1 entrance fee and use the show to raise money for charity.

‘It’s a good idea to do it for charity,’ said Flora. ‘People will be more tolerant if it’s in a good cause.’

‘Although, let’s face it, folks,’ said Fred, ‘it’s not too late to split the takings five ways and run off to Rio.’

‘Shut up, Fred!’ said Jess, laughing. They were having a ball, rehearsing. Every spare minute revolved around the show.

One Wednesday morning, Jess ran into Mr Powell in the corridor, and he held up his hand like a policeman, looking rather grim.

‘I hear you’re going to do a comedy show at the end of term,’ said Mr Powell, not looking cross but not looking delighted either.

‘Yes, sir.’

‘It must be a lot of work.’

‘It is.’

‘Well, just make sure your homework gets done first,’ said Mr Powell with a kind of dark, dangerous scowl. ‘Or I’m afraid the show will be cancelled, and that would be a shame after all your efforts.’

He strode off. Jess’s knees actually shook with fear. The thought of the show being cancelled made her almost physically sick. She ran off immediately and did some extra homework, even though it hadn’t been set, just to be on the safe side.

Of course
Twelfth Night
was going to be the major event of the term. Jess was afraid that Flora and Fred would both get rather wistful, wishing they’d been involved. The costumes were going to be fabulous, hired from the Royal Shakespeare Company. Jess felt guilty. If it hadn’t been for her, Flora and Fred would both be starring in cossies worn by famous actors.

‘I’m so sorry you’re not in
Twelfth Night
, Flo,’ she said one night after their rehearsal. The boys had gone home and Jess was staying over at Flora’s because it was Friday.

‘I don’t mind,’ said Flora. ‘In fact, I’ve never told you this, but I was really, really terrified of being in it. Having such a big part. I was sure I was going to forget my lines or something. The things I do in the comedy show are much better.’

Of course it helped that Jack Stevens and Flora had become An Item (in record time, incidentally, on their first walk home from the Dolphin Cafe). Even Flora’s dad approved, because Jack was quite athletic and wanted to go into business when he left school.

‘It’s a shame Jack and I can’t see each other much at the moment because of all our various rehearsals,’ said Flora, her eyes sparkling. ‘But he’s invited me to go skiing with his family in the Christmas hols.’

Jess was thrilled for Flora. It was a match made in heaven. Although privately she was looking forward to a Christmas spent watching horror movies with Fred.

‘Promise me,’ she said to Fred in one of their rare moments alone together, ‘that you will never invite me to go skiing with your family.’

‘I can’t think of anything more ghastly,’ said Fred. ‘It combines my two pet hates: physical exercise and cold weather. Don’t worry, if we ever get rich we’ll give winter sports a miss and buy ourselves a private island in the Caribbean.’

Chapter 33

At home things got back to normal after Nori went back to Japan. Mum was a bit quiet for a few days, and there were some long phone calls in the middle of the night. Then one morning Mum made French toast without being asked.

‘Lovely, Mum!’ said Jess. ‘Although I can actually feel it settling on my hips.’

‘Sorry I’ve been a bit preoccupied recently,’ said Mum.

‘It’s OK,’ said Jess. ‘It’s cool. You can go to Tokyo for Christmas if you like. Granny and I will be fine.’

‘I wouldn’t dream of leaving you alone at Christmas or going to Tokyo!’ said Mum. ‘It’s not an ongoing thing with Nori. It was just – well, a brief encounter.’

‘Ah!’ said Granny with a sigh. ‘
Brief Encounter
! That lovely film with Trevor Howard! I wish men wore hats like that nowadays. Those baseball caps are awful. They all look like ducks. And when they wear them back to front it’s even worse.’

That night, when Mum came in to kiss Jess goodnight, she looked a little sheepish.

‘I’m sorry if I neglected you while I was going out with Nori,’ she said.

‘No!’ said Jess. ‘It was fine! I want you to have more brief encounters! I’m sorry I was touchy about it at one stage. But I want you to get out and see people. Men, even. They can be kind of fun. And you haven’t had nearly enough boyfriends since you and Dad split up.’

‘Haven’t I?’ said Mum with a sigh. ‘How many would be enough, do you think?’

‘About three a year,’ said Jess. ‘Nothing gross. But let’s face it, you’ve been on your own for years and years. I reckon you’ll need about fourteen boyfriends a year for the next couple of years to catch up. That’s more than one a month. So get on with it!’

Mum laughed and said goodnight.

For a while Jess couldn’t sleep. She thought about Dad. It was time she had a long phone call to him. She had so much to tell him. She wondered if he had gone to bed yet. She sent him a little text.

hi, favourite male parent! fancy a chat? or are you already asleep
? She hoped not. It was only 11.15.

Immediately a text came back.
ring me now on the landline. we’re still up. wrapping presents. just done yours. it’s a funny shape
.

Jess got out of bed, tiptoed downstairs and dialled his number. It was great to hear his voice again.

‘So, you absurd small animal of frog-like appearance,’ he said, ‘how’s life treating you?’

‘Oh, really great,’ said Jess. ‘School’s been brilliant. We’re doing a comedy show at the end of term. Hey! Could you come? That would be so cool!’

‘I’ll be there,’ said Dad. ‘What day is it?’

Once they’d sorted out the date and everything, Dad told her a bit about what he’d been doing. It was a new series of paintings based on ghosts and legends of Cornwall. Jess couldn’t wait to see them.

‘Maybe you could come down for a few days after Christmas,’ said Dad. ‘Phil would love to see you again. And bring Fred if you like – if he doesn’t mind sleeping on the sofa. No hanky-panky, mind.’

‘You’re a fine one to talk!’ said Jess. ‘You’re the Prince of Hanky-panky!’

‘Sounds like a character in a pantomime,’ said Dad. ‘So the rehearsals are going well, then? No probs? Everything OK with Fred? I was hoping you’d rung up to cry on my shoulder.’

‘Oh, everything’s fine now,’ said Jess. ‘But I did go through a kind of five-star torment at the beginning of term. We’ve got this new teacher called Miss Thorn who is a beast from the deepest pits of hell.’

Jess told her dad the whole story, including the episode with Ben’s shorts, the peeing in the garden with Mr Nishizawa, the visit to the health centre while wearing no pants and the whole disgraceful episode of Mr Powell’s carpet. Dad laughed quite a lot.

‘I can laugh about it now,’ said Jess. ‘But at the time I was tempted to run away – and come down and live with you in Cornwall. I might just do that anyway.’

‘You’re welcome any time,’ said Dad. ‘We need a woman about the house to do all the tiresome chores and disgusting tasks. But everything’s all right now, is it? There’s nothing bothering you?’