Gilliflowers (47 page)

Smiling sweetly I said it was only Leo. As a joke it didn’t work and no one laughed.

Shane’s face clearly indicated I was seconds away from a painful demise. I

immediately retracted my statement, explaining it had been an automated call and all I’d been rude to was a machine. I then stated I hated my hideous skin and ran upstairs.

Shane followed. I didn’t expect soft words and I didn’t get any. He said I wore everyone out with my ragtag passions. He softened words with action, lying down on the bed with me. Dick came up and also lay on the bed. I enjoyed being the filling in a man sandwich for an hour or so.

Still not happy about my pimple filled fizzog. Shane caught me picking at them and said if he caught me again he’d thrash my arse and make me wear baby mittens.

I’m glad he didn’t say it within Dick’s hearing. You know Dick, he’d hear a statement like that and think he was missing out on some kinky baby play frolic. He’d want to join in and I’d end up sucking a dummy, but not with my mouth.

I doubt we’ll get many Halloweeners around our neck of the woods tonight. The weather is dreadful and also strange, which I suppose fits the festival. At six this morning it was thundering and lightening followed by torrential rain. As I write a hailstorm is in progress. It sounds as if golf balls are bouncing off the roof.

In honour of the date I’ve carved two big pumpkins and put them either side of the porch. Instead of candles I’ve put battery-operated fairy lights inside them, blue and green lights in one pumpkin and red in the other. They look eerie and really rather fab.

I’ve also got a big bowl of goodies ready to give away. I’ll have to eat them all myself if no one turns up.

I lashed out a fortune on a fantastically gory latex zombie mask yesterday. It glows in the dark. I’m going to wear it to answer the door if anyone does call tonight.

It should give the little horrors a suitable scare. I got the boyfriends with it last night.

They came home from work and went off to shower and change. I unscrewed the bulb from the hall light so they couldn’t switch it on when they came downstairs. I charged up the mask and put it on and then hid in the cupboard under the stairs listening out for them.

I wish I’d had a camera set up to record their reaction. They nearly shit themselves when I flung open the door and lurched out at them in the dark. Dick actually squealed and clutched at Shane’s arm. I couldn’t stop laughing. I staggered around the hall with the tears all but running down my legs. Dick called me an evil monkey and hand to haired me while Shane threatened to hang me by my ankles and beat me with a switch. They eventually saw the funny side, once their heart rates had returned to normal.

Shane claimed I put fucking years on them with my antics and they were likely to die before their time as a result of it. He said as revenge he was going to put a clause in his will leaving me to Leo to torture as he saw fit. He didn’t mean it. They like me being playful. It keeps them young.

I was set to visit my mother this afternoon, but she called to say she was feeling under the weather. She sounded tearful, which made me feel anxious. I pressed to know exactly what she meant by ‘under the weather.’ Turns out she’d had a bit of a row with Frank over Kelly calling in so often. She’d asked him to have a subtle word with her along the lines of her needing her rest and finding constant visitors tiring.

Frank claimed to have had the word, but it seemingly fell on deaf ears and Kelly is still dropping in on a daily basis and staying for much of the day.

My hackles rose. Kelly might not be related to Frank in any blood sense, but she seems to share his habit of serving his own agenda before all others. Of course I upset mum even more by opening my big gob and insinuating Frank was a liar about having the word and it might be best if I had it with the persistent visitor. Mum said no, she didn’t want me fighting with Kelly. There was no need for us to be enemies. She’d decided she would have a word with her and explain, in a nice way, as she didn’t want to upset the lass, that daily visits were a bit draining. I hope it works out. My mother has always had a private aspect. She likes her own space.

It’s time to shift my butt. I’ve got stuff to do such as turning pumpkin into soup, which isn’t quite as impressive as turning it into a carriage to go to a ball in, but still, let’s hope it amazes the men folk and brings praise my way.

Note to self: In future chuck all pumpkin guts in the bin.
Never EVER make
soup from it again.
The cookbook’s claim of deliciousness was a complete load of dog’s bollocks. In fact a dog’s bollocks probably taste better. Seriously, it was vile.

Not even the addition of cream and a hint of nutmeg could save it. Either I’m a really crap cook or people who like pumpkin soup have renegade taste buds. Nasty stuff.

The men folk weren’t keen either.

Halloween was a mixed event in our house. Dick was edgy and irritable when he got home from work. Shane asked what was wrong and he said he’d had a trying day and was tired. His irritability increased when the ring of the doorbell kept interrupting dinner. The weather had settled down thus encouraging little monsters to be out and about cadging goodies.

Because I’d displayed pumpkins outside we naturally got a steady stream of kids coming to the door. I didn’t mind. I’d bought in plenty of sweets and was more than happy to give them away. I’m still young enough to remember what fun it was to go Halloweening. We’d always head for the posher end of town looking for a better class of goodie.

I wore my mask a couple of times, but abandoned it after the spectacular reaction of a small girl dressed in a fairy costume. Her screams almost shattered the glass in the windows. I felt terrible and apologised profusely to the child’s father, who looked almost as shocked as his daughter, probably because his eardrums were bleeding and he had claw marks on his leg from where she clung on to him. I had to pay her off with a generous helping of sweets.

Anyway, the doorbell rang for about the tenth time and Dick suddenly exploded and not in the way he usually does. Slamming down his cutlery he snarled, “how many more times is that fucking bell going to ring tonight?” He denounced me as a nuisance and claimed I should have sought permission before setting the house up as a free sweet shop. It wasn’t right to encourage children to come begging around the doors.

I was upset by his reaction. He was pretty damn ratty with me. Shane told me to turn the pumpkin lights off, as we’d done our bit in the Halloween stakes for this year.

I did as bidden.

Dick came into the hall as I closed and locked the front door. Holding out his arms he asked if I could find it within my heart to give a short tempered miserly old bastard a hug of forgiveness. Of course I could. Dick is rarely ill tempered. He hugged and kissed me and apologised for bitching. He then said somewhat dryly that Daddy had ‘suggested’ he have an early night as he was obviously tired, so he’d see me in the morning. I interpreted it as Shane having sent him into exile in the single room for being cranky with the houseboy.

After dinner I snuggled down on the couch next to Shane and we watched Sleepy Hollow on telly while feeding each other the leftovers from the Halloween goodies. I got a certain kick out of seeing Shane abandon dignity to eat jelly worms, chocolate eyeballs and vampire teeth. We weren’t late out of bed ourselves. Well we had to burn off all that sugar somehow.

Dick didn’t play his usual round of golf yesterday. He shut himself in his studio saying he had work to catch up on. He picked over his food at lunchtime. I offered a listening ear for any problems he might have, but he said he was fine and then shut himself away again. Shane decided a word was needed and invited himself into Dick’s hallowed space.

What the word was I have no idea. Afterwards Shane looked grim, but didn’t seem annoyed with Dick. In fact he was tender towards him. I was put out because Dick talked to Shane and not to me, but then Shane has an edge I don’t have. He has the power to remove all choice from Dick in the matter.

I dropped hints along the line of being interested to know what had passed between them. Shane patted my bum and told me he’d let me know if and when it ever became any of my business. I’ve been trying to sneak up on them all weekend in the hope of overhearing something significant, but lynx lugs Dick can hear a mouse fart a mile away, so a sneaking houseboy has no chance, not even a barefoot one. All I ended up ear wigging was something sinister about a large butt plug and a certain nosey parker’s rectum. I’ll just have to accept the matter is private between the two of them.

I had a mild altercation with Eileen’s neighbour yesterday. I haven’t got a clue what his name is and neither does Eileen. She calls him ‘that man’ and I call him the ‘fucking fucker’ though obviously not to her. I know how to behave around ladies, well, discounting Penny. Eileen thinks I’m a sweet choirboy with a voice like an angel. I wouldn’t want to shock and disillusion her by coming out with a torrent of foul language.

I called on her to deliver a small gift in the shape of a silver tortoise brooch set with colourful rhinestones. She has a thing about tortoises and turtles. I spotted it on a stall at a local antique and collectors fair I visited yesterday morning. It wasn’t exactly cheap, but I wanted to buy it for her as a way of showing my appreciation for her help after my fall. I was so embarrassed by what had happened, you know, about the bladder failure incident and being sick. I tried to apologise afterwards, but she put her arms round me and gave me a great big hug saying I had nothing to be sorry for.

In many ways I have a more comfortable and affectionate relationship with her than I do with my own mother. I suppose it's because there is no bloodline and no life issues between us. That’s not to say I don’t love my mother, I do, but there are sharp thorns on the rose of our relationship. It makes me sad.

Anyway, he said, making a valiant effort to rein in his gob and get to the point, I delivered the pressie, which she loved, had a cup of coffee, tried to draw her out on the progress of the Reggie romance and then headed home. The fucking fucker was opening his drive gates. When he saw me he shouted, ‘I’ve got a couple of doors I need rid of, shall I drop them off later?’ Oh what a comedian, move over Lee Evans. I shouted back, ‘use them to barricade your ignorant mouth.’ I then gave him a two-finger salute, which he returned with a cry of, ‘poofter.’

I was on tenterhooks all afternoon in case the bastard really did have a couple of doors. Shane would bloody slaughter me if the sod dumped them on our drive again.

Thankfully nothing happened. I should have just ignored him as ordered. Thank God he doesn’t live directly next door to us.

Time to stop yattering and attend to tea and sandwich duties. Shane is claiming hunger pangs, which is amazing when you consider how much he consumed at

lunchtime. He either has a super efficient disposal unit for a stomach or he’s got a tapeworm.

I’ve just returned home after enjoying a short break in Edinburgh with Dick.

Shane couldn’t take any time off work, but it was he who financed the trip as a treat for me after a busy week on the home front.

It was fun. We did the touristy bit and saw the castle. We hit the shops, bought the obligatory shortbread and single malt as gifts and had some nice meals. There’s an excellent array of art galleries and museums in Edinburgh. We just about visited all of them to sate Dick’s interest in art, architecture, photography, engineering, you name it, if it had a gallery we visited it. I liked the upmarket sightseeing as much as he did, but I also like a bit of lowbrow stuff. With that in mind he let me drag him to the zoo to look at the penguins. Edinburgh Zoo has the world’s biggest penguin pool. It’s amazing watching all those chocolate biscuits swimming underwater. (Lie detector refuses to be drawn into such silliness) It was good to have all of Dick’s attention for a while and to give him all of mine.

One evening over a nice meal I kept his wine glass topped up in an effort to relax him into telling me what had been on his mind at Halloween. He said it was nothing for me to be concerned about. I whinged it wasn’t fair for him to tell Shane stuff he wouldn’t tell me. He relented and spilled some beans, but not the whole tin.

On the evening of Leo’s dungeon do he had bumped into a man he hadn’t seen in a while. He imparted the news that a Top Dick had once played with was back on the circuit and had been asking questions about him. Dick let it be known he wasn’t interested in renewing contact and didn’t want anyone giving personal details about him. Someone didn’t respect his wishes, because at Halloween he got a phone call at work from the Top in question. It angered Dick. They had not been on friendly terms for many years and he had no desire to reacquaint with him on any level.

I got the distinct impression there was more to the story than Dick was telling. I tried to cajole him into giving me a more detailed history of him and his ex playmate, but he refused to discuss it any further. He wouldn’t even tell me his name. He’d said as much as he wanted to say. I was to let the subject drop or he would take me upstairs to our room and deal with me. He sounded serious so I backed off. I’d love to know more. Something dodgy must have gone on if Dick doesn’t want to know this fella again. He’s usually a forgiving man.

So what was this busy week on the home front all about I hear you ask? It was bloody murder. Shane sprang three houseguests on me, business associates. My brief was to cater to their every need. I complained. In my opinion they could well afford to put up in a hotel. I even offered to make reservations on their behalf.

Shane went through me like the proverbial salts. He made it plain he thought I was being rude. He reminded me that catering to guests, be they family, friends or business associates was part of my duties. I was warned to mind my manners and sweeten my attitude.