Giggling Into the Pillow (29 page)
Read Giggling Into the Pillow Online
Authors: Chris Bridges
Tags: #comedy, #humor, #sexy, #stories, #essays, #sexy stories, #erotica anthology, #silly
Perverse
Originally appeared as an
article for CleanSheets.com and was reprinted in their anthology
book,
From Porn to Poetry
(Samba Mountain Press, 2001). I feel so damn
literary I feel like smoking a dog while standing next to a big
pipe, or something. The version that appears here has been enlarged
somewhat.
Hunter
Oddly enough, this was written before I
started watching the show it’s based on. It shows. For anyone
keeping score this is also the only thing I’ve ever written that
includes non-consensual sex (of a sort), but I think it works. I
want to see it filmed, or performed live, ideally in outdoor
theater.
Baby
I’ve gotten the stock writer’s question:
“Where do you get your ideas?” And I’ve given the stock writer’s
answers: “K-Mart.” “Stealing them from smaller, weaker writers.”
“Alka Seltzer suppositories. No, really.” The reality is that I get
them while driving. Nothing like long highway drives with nothing
but a commercial-heavy radio station keeping you company to get
those creative juices flowing. This came to me all of a piece and I
had to steer with my knee while I wrote it down while trying not to
plow into the Chevy Tracker in front of me. Take it as a warning:
I’m prepared to let others on the road suffer for my art.
Sex
The book
101 Nights of Grrreat Sex
by Laura
Corn sat on a shelf in our upstairs bathroom for about three
months. It occurred to me that with the number of
Make Your Love Life Even Better Than It
Realistically Can Be
books out there, there
was a real danger of everyone becoming so preternaturally skilled
at the amatory arts that the whole sticky business would become
boring. And that means there’s a market opening coming along, which
I am prepared to plug.
“Questions?”
Does this need explanation? Would you
believe it if I told you?
Easter
I’ve gotten quite a few questions over the
years asking how autobiographical my stories are, and all I can say
is: I love reading mail.
Sexually Compatible?
In 2000 I was contacted to
write monthly articles for a new magazine,
Xtreme
, which was supposed to be sort
of a British version of
Maxim
, which is sort of an American
version of
FHM
.
This quiz appeared in their first issue, right after an ad for Lap
Dance UK and right before an interview with Mistress Steelfist, a
dominatrix who used her martial arts skills to beat the crap out of
her paying customers. I’m afraid I must have brought the tone of
the magazine down; there was never a second issue.
Seduction
A one-act playlet written from the point of
view of someone who skipped the dating scene entirely.
I’m willing to bet I could start up
encounter groups to do this sort of thing and charge thousands of
dollars a pop. If people are willing to pay to crawl out of a giant
inflatable vagina, half-suffocated and exhausted, they’d pay for
this.
Brides
Written for Clean Sheets when I was editing
their non-fiction section and desperately needed an article before
deadline. Vermont had just voted to allow civil unions; this seemed
to be the obvious next step. Come to think of it, “desperation in
the face of deadline” also explains everything I’ve ever written.
And my honeymoon.
Challenge!
Saw a commercial one night, started giggling
hysterically and reaching blindly for the keyboard. My family is
used to this.
“Sucks”
This is a personal crusade that I feel
strongly about. As soon as I get matching funds I plan to start
running PSAs on radio and television to go along with my
comprehensive billboard and bus stop sign campaign. Next will be
the handouts in high schools. Look for it to be a hot-button topic
in this year’s elections!
I Hate Writing in Second Person
Every writing manual will tell you to avoid
writing in second person. This is why.
Writer
The best part about writing funny articles
for other web sites (this was another Clean Sheets article) is that
I can wait a few months and use them as columns on my site when I’m
too lazy to write a new one. I can even put them in books!
You’ve already seen the explanation for this
one. All I can add is that the entire time I was writing it, I was
cackling with glee at what Raymond’s face would look like when he
read it, completely failing to consider the inevitable retaliation.
I’m still not ready to talk about that yet.
IV
This was written with the intention of
performing it as an audio recording, with sound effects and
everything, but fell through due to a lousy PC sound card.
Someday…
Can’t you see this on a poster? With Ziggy
looking happily into his shorts? Some days I can’t see anything
else.
Fetish
Written after I found a copy
of
Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex
Practices
by Brenda Love, which I highly
recommend as great reading material for long bus rides or while
waiting to appear before a Senate sub-committee.
Game
Well, someone had to write one. With the
help of CafePress.com I even made a ceramic stein with the rules
printed on the sides, and as soon as I decide to take up drinking
I’m gonna be all set.
Is…
Yeah, it’s a joke. Ha ha! What a lark! Ha ha
ha! No one would ever be that desperate for oral sex, ha ha! Just…
read it again? Please?
Survey!
Just that. I love filling out surveys. You
should have seen what I did with the Census.
Resolutions
And with firm resolve and an indomitable
iron will, I broke every single one of them, often during the same
sporting event.
Porno
Remember those long highway drives I
mentioned? One day I popped in an old cassette of Andy Griffith
doing his standup routines, and then I couldn’t stop thinking of
this story for weeks before I got it all written down. Writing
isn’t always a way to inspire or entertain or teach others.
Sometimes it’s because your head is so full you have to dump it out
on paper so there’s room for other thoughts, like when to eat, your
children’s names, and what time you’re supposed to be at work. For
best effect, have someone Southern read this to you.
About the
Author
older than the hills, but he still gets carded.
