Gifted, A Donovan Circus Novel (18 page)

“You’re right, it’s not. You’re
not going to shoot a sexy smile at someone and magically become close friends.
That’s not how it works. But you’re also not going to win over any fans by
showing up with a snarky comment and judgmental attitude. If you’re not going
to make yourself a little more pleasant, you’ll never know.”

Gabriel went quiet for a moment
and I wondered if I went too far. Then I felt a calm wash over me and the
flames left my arms. I looked down, puzzled. I had no reason to be calm in the
middle of my annoyance. I heard Gabriel take a deep breath before I looked back
up at him.

He opened and closed his mouth a
few times and his face looked pained. But finally:

“Lucy, do you really want to
know why I stay away from everyone? Why I avoid any emotion whatsoever?” he
asked me. I raised an eyebrow nonchalantly, but inside I burned to know.
Finally, some answers.

“I’m an Empath,” he said.

“An Empath? Like you can feel
other people’s emotions?” I asked.

“Yeah. As in, whenever anyone
feels the slightest bit of emotion, it hits me. I’ve learned over the years how
to keep it at bay, but it’s harder with groups of this magnitude. Today’s been
especially difficult given the circumstances, so I’m a bit grouchy.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s only an
issue today.” He rolled his eyes and I continued, “Okay, big deal. That’s not a
secret gift no one’s heard about. I’ve known an Empath and she didn’t avoid
people the way you do.”

“Was she happy? Did you ever
know her to go a day with her own feelings and no one else’s?” he asked.

I thought back to my friend and
realized that no, I had never seen her go a day feeling like herself. Never
completely happy, there were always someone else’s emotions that enveloped her.
She used to hide at the top of the Ferris wheel during breaks to escape for a
moment. I had seen Brooklyn getting on the ride earlier that morning and
assumed it was a similar type of smoke break.

“No, I guess not,” I admitted.

“Exactly. This isn’t really a
gift I wanted,” Gabriel said. “I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. I wouldn’t
wish this on my worst enemy.”

“I still don’t understand,
though. Did you just calm my temper, actually affect my emotions?” I asked in
confusion.

Gabriel nodded. “I don’t really
like to use it on people. I abused the ability a lot in the past; I’m not proud
of it. People should be able to feel their own emotions, be human, despite the
repercussions it may have on me.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing
I’ve heard you say,” I responded. “But that doesn’t make you right. Maybe my
friend wasn’t happy being around so many emotions. She didn’t act like a total
jag, for one. But are you happy avoiding all of them?”

“That’s not really a choice I
have, Lucy. I’m forcing myself to stay away, to avoid emotion.”

“Why?”

“It’s going to sound stupid to
someone who won’t understand.”

“Try me, Gabriel.”

“I’m an addict—an
emotional addict. I allow myself to connect with other people’s emotions and I
abuse that power. I’ve done some bad things in the past, to weak people who had
no idea of what I could do.”

“Like what?”

“I’ve preyed on others’
weaknesses or fears to get a lot of things. You know, the usual: money, sex,
power. Because I can sense emotion, I can play on those vulnerabilities.”

“I don’t understand. I mean,
sure, it doesn’t exactly make you a nice guy, but in what circus are there
not
people who do all those things,
without
your gift I might add?”

“It’s a personal choice. I don’t
like the person I was in the past, so I refuse to let that happen again.”

“Just because you say that
doesn’t mean it’ll happen. It takes work, more than flat out avoiding all
emotion whatsoever. You can still use your gift as long as you understand
control and willpower.”

“I know it sounds like nothing,
but it’s like being on drugs. You thrive on the high, the power that it gives
you. For years, the only way I could get through the day was to feed on other
people’s emotions. I got turned so around I had no idea what I was feeling on
my own. And when I sat still long enough to find out how guilty I felt, I’d
hate myself, so I’d go back to others’ happiness, fear, excitement.”

“I still don’t think I
understand why that makes you such a bad person. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel
any emotion. That might be easier, ya know?”

“It’s not like that, though. You
never get it back. You won’t know anger or sadness but you’ll never feel
happiness again, either. If I do it too often or too much on one person, it’s
like sucking their energy away. Eventually they don’t feel anything at all.
They’re dull, immune to know how to feel, how to be…human. And once the damage
is done, I can’t reverse it.”

“Like you rob them of a human
trait,” I said slowly.

“When I knew I had gone too far,
I could see it. It was like…like I had rendered them soulless. It’s worse than
death—to be alive with no happiness, no anger…no passion.” He looked at
me on the last word and I hesitated.

“So you’ve done that on people?
Hurt them, tricked them?”

“That’s why we left the circus.
I kept doing that to the public when I got bored or wanted money. I’d trick
them into it after confusing their emotions. My mother was humiliated I
wouldn’t control it. I got too good at it while I was a teenager. I got better
at it once I left home at eighteen.”

“But the other night, you fought
and still managed to stay calm with me…” I trailed off.

“You have no idea how difficult
that situation was for me. I had to resist all that rage, both my own and
everyone else’s, very hard. And it took every ounce of willpower I had not to
absolutely kill that man who hurt you. I could’ve changed him, made him want to
kill himself even, but I focused on getting you away from there. I wanted him
to suffer. I can’t even begin to explain to you...”

Gabriel went silent. He looked
very uncomfortable. My brain, whirring from all the information, finally begged
a question.

“And after all our talk about
honesty and now this, why should I believe you aren’t trying to fool me the
same way?”

“You shouldn’t. I’m being honest
with you, but I understand why you wouldn’t believe me. I’m glad you don’t. I
don’t want anyone to trust me, to give me an opportunity to fall off the wagon,
so to speak. I don’t trust myself,” he said.

“So why me? Why tell me all of
this when you clearly didn’t want to, or have to?”

“I dunno. You’re pushy. I guess
I caved.”

“I’m pushy?
That’s
why you told me your deep, dark secret? Surely you’re
joking.” I began to stomp off. We were only another minute from the campers and
I was ready to go into hiding for a while. Delia could find me face first in
her bag of cookies.

As expected, Gabriel followed
me. “Lucy, I really don’t know. I guess I feel I can trust you with it. You’re
strong, not as emotional as everyone else. You seem to keep everything locked
up pretty well, so I don’t have to try as hard to avoid emotion around you. You
make a decent brick wall.” He gave me a small smile.

I said nothing, but felt
slightly better. Until:

“Part of it is still because
you’re annoyingly relentless. Plus you’re easy to read with your facial
expressions and high pitched insistencies,” he added.

“Gabriel, hate to break it to
you, but I’m officially done with this conversation.”

“Oh, come on, I was only
kidding…sort of. You know you’re bossy. You’re a Firestarter, for god’s sake!
You were born aggressive.”

We stopped in front of camper
238 and I turned to face him.

“My gift does not define me. I’m
not annoyed with you because I’m a Firestarter; I’m annoyed with you because
you
are plain aggravating,” I replied.

“You know I’m right. I can feel
it,” he said. When I gave him a withering glare, he backpedaled, his hands palm
up in peace. “Not because I’m trying, I swear. Your attitude clearly gives you
away. But despite what I said, it’s hard to ignore the emotion radiating off
your body right now.”

“I do not want you referencing
my body in any way,” I snapped.

A grin flashed on his face as I
turned to open the door. Delia bolted out from the tents and skidded to a halt
in front of us.

“Bianca told me you were a
suspect. Ridiculous! Oh, hi Gabriel. Um, what are you doing here? I thought you
were on schedule with the animals,” Delia said to us with wide, dark eyes. She
quirked her head at me and I could practically see the wheels turn in her head.

“Leaving,” I answered for him.
“Delia, did you need me or did you want to talk about how we’re going to save
my reputation?”

“Ooh, the last one!” She bounced
past Gabriel and into our camper.

“Goodbye, Gabriel. Talk to you
later,” I said.

“But I was—” he started,
but I cut him off by going inside the camper and closing the door. I turned and
walked straight to the bag of Oreos and grabbed four from the sleeve. I plopped
on my bed while Delia looked at me with wide eyes.

“That bad, huh?” she asked me.

I nodded grimly and stuffed a
whole cookie in my mouth.

“What did he want?”

I rolled my eyes as nonchalantly
as I could. He trusted me not to tell his secret and I planned to keep it to
myself. Rather than using my words, I finished off the first Oreo and stuffed
another cookie my mouth.

Delia sighed and did the work
for me. “What do you plan to do about protecting yourself from accusations
about Marty’s murder? The rumors are spreading fast.”

“I don’t have a plan,” I said as
I brushed cookie crumbs off my face. “I didn’t do it, obviously, but I know how
impossible it is to fight circus talk. The best I can do is let it roll off my
back and hope that Sheffield finds the real bad guy.”

She shook her head. “It is not
going to be that easy, Lucy. You think everyday gossip is bad? Just wait until
this goes around. This is bad news for you. You will not be able to let it roll
off your back because they are not going to let you stand a chance. They will
refuse your help, turn their own backs, and wait ‘til you quit.”

“I don’t have any other choice,
Delia! I have no other defense against it. I won’t quit; I can’t. I have
nowhere else to go.”

“You cannot tell people you did
not do it and let that be your explanation.”

“I mean, what else can I say?
It’s all I got. I really don’t see why anyone thinks it could possibly be me in
the first place.”

“You already have strikes
against you, being new and all. Outsiders cannot be trusted until they have
earned it. Marty was charbroiled and you are a Firestarter, a new person to our
group. They have no reason to believe you did
not
kill Marty.”

I said nothing and instead
stuffed the last cookie in my mouth. Delia was quiet for a long moment before
saying: “I think you should go talk to Sheffield.”

I almost choked. After a moment:

“Are you crazy? What would I
say? “Um, Sheffield, I really think you need to handle those mean circus people
that won’t stop talking about me behind my back?” He’ll laugh in my face. I
need to be an adult about this and ignore it, or if confronted, stand up for
myself.”

“He needs to know what is going
on and I know he would understand. I am worried for you. They will tear you apart.”
She looked so distraught I wanted to reassure her, even if I didn’t feel too
confident.

“Hey,” I said, “it’s not going
to be that bad. I mean, it’s going to be super uncomfortable and yeah, everyone
will give me a hard time, but it will eventually pass. And I’m hoping with all
the fire in my body that Sheffield finds the murderer before we move to the
next city.”

“What if he does not?”

“Then I guess I take it one day
at a time. I can’t answer that for sure.”

“So what are you going to say if
someone tries to talk to you about it or accuse you?”

“I’ll ignore it. Or tell them
flat out it wasn’t me. I’ll tell them at least some parts about the fight with
the townies the other night. Leaving out the more gruesome bits, of course.”

“That might work with some
people. Half of them already know that something happened the other night.”

I wanted to ask a question that
had bothered me. “Delia, Sheffield is gifted, right?”

“I believe so.”

“You don’t know?”

“You have known him longer than
I have, with your dad being friends with him. You do not know, either?” Her
pretty face registered surprise.

“Nope. My dad never volunteered
anything and Sheffield’s never mentioned it, either.”

“We’ve never really discussed it
before; I just assumed,” she admitted. “If I were you, I would not go around
asking everyone their opinions. For one, it is rude. Secondly, if no one here
knows it after all these years, you are not going to find out after a week.”

“And thirdly, hardly anyone is
speaking to me,” I added dryly.

“There is that. But we are going
to work on it. Besides, it looks like Gabriel is talking to you.” I caught a
smirk on her face.

“Shut it.” I could feel the
blush creep up on my face.

“What is his deal anyway?” She
flipped through a magazine nonchalantly, but I knew better. She was gauging my
reaction.

Just as casually, I replied,
“What do you mean?”

“Oh, c’mon! You were eating your
irritation away in cookie form.”

I shrugged. “There’s not much to
say. He’s annoying.”

“Jade says he does not really
speak to anybody else besides you. And he would not stop staring at you at the
bar and even followed you up there when you got drinks before that big fight.
Maybe he has a thing for you.”

A bark of laughter slipped from
my mouth. “Ha! A thing for me? Please. He doesn’t even know me. Besides, you
know I like Keegan.”