Ghosting (7 page)

i’m getting this prickling psycho feeling all over my skin and i feel like every muscle in my body has turned into stone and i couldn’t move if i wanted to. then my eyes meet mom’s eyes and she lets out a little sound, a whimper, like a hurt animal, and she rushes past me to the bathroom. she shuts the door behind her and i can hear water running.

then dad comes lumbering out of the bedroom, dressed in t-shirt and jeans. he sees me. his face is red, his eyes wild. looks at me like he doesn’t know me. pushes past me and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, then out to the
garage. i can hear the sound of the garage door opening and the car start. i still can’t move. next i know, it’s backing up and he’s gone.

i knew dad yelled a lot but i’d never seen him hit mom. then i remembered seeing a big purple/green bruise on her arm, that she said was from bumping into something. there was another one on her leg. she had an excuse for it, too.

finally i can move again and i go to the bathroom door.

mom?

no answer. the water’s still running. maybe she’s in the shower. i try again, call her. no answer again. i stand there. think about going after dad. think i might want to kill him and if i hadn’t been turned to stone like i was, i would have.

finally the water stops. after a few minutes the bathroom door opens and mom comes out, wearing a robe, her hair wet, her eye still swollen shut. but she’s calm. too calm.

she says,
felix, honey, i’m okay. don’t worry. can i fix you a sandwich?

i nod, numb. and it’s like we’re two people who barely know each other, chatting about the weather. i can tell she wants it this way, really bad. so i let her. let her make me a grilled cheese sandwich, watch her slice the cheddar cheese, watch her heat up the small blue skillet she always
uses for grilled cheese sandwiches, watch her butter both sides of the bread, watch the butter sizzle when it hits the pan, and even though it’s a perfect grilled cheese sandwich, oozy cheese, bread nicely browned, not burnt, i can’t eat more than one bite and that one bite tastes like hot glue, burning my tongue and sticking in my throat.

i wonder later if i should have let her act that way, like nothing was wrong. if things would’ve been different. because the next day it was like nothing happened. except that i couldn’t look at dad without wanting to hit him and then he announced at dinner that he was going back for another tour of duty. in a week. which was a month earlier than he’d said before. mom didn’t say anything. just kept cutting her pot roast into smaller and smaller pieces.

after he left i tried to talk to mom. asked if she was okay. if she was going to stay with dad.

and she looked at me all in surprise, and asked why i’d say something like that. and i stammered out something about that night and how dad hurt her, and she interrupted me, saying i must have misunderstood what i saw. that dad was a hero. and she loved him.

i scored my first dime bag the next day. because i know what i saw.

i stop talking then. max looks at me like i’ve just vomited up a stinking mass of gopher guts, which i might as well have.

Oh, Felix,
she says, her eyes all glimmery like she might cry.

and then she puts her arm around my shoulders and squeezes me hard and damn if i don’t burst into tears like i’m a freaking baby. but she just holds tight.

when i finally stop, she fishes in her bag and comes up with a few tissues, which i fill up with snot.

Whoa,
I say.
Sorry about that,
I add with a feeble attempt at a grin.

You need to talk to someone,
Max says.

I just did,
I say.

Still, Felix. What happened . . . it’s not right.

Hey listen, Max, I’m okay,
I say.
I really am.

and i light up another joint.

MAXIE

Other than saying

I’m sorry,

which seems so little,

so lame,

I am without words.

I only remember

Felix’s dad as teasing,

cheerful, and young,

younger than most

of the other dads.

He played Wiffle ball with us,

and even the board game Mouse Trap,

which we were obsessed with

for a while.

A rapist?

I take the joint Felix offers me,

take a hit,

then cough

most of it out.

Felix chuckles,

taking the

joint back.

Lightweight,
he teases, imitating Brendan.

We’re quiet for a moment,

listening to the loud music

coming from the

party house.

You leave a boyfriend back there in Colorado, Max
? he asks.

I blush a little.

No,
I say.
There was one guy I liked, but he wound up with my friend Mandy. And they’re good together, better than me and him, so it was okay. How about you?

Then I could kick myself,

remembering his story about

the girl named Betsy and

the kiss.

But he isn’t thinking about

Betsy.

Nah,
he says.
Too many years worshipping at the altar of Emma.

I’d known for a long time

that Felix had a thing

for Emma,

though tonight’s the first time

he’s said it

out loud.

But I could always tell

from the way

his eyes would

follow her,

even back in 5th grade,

with this hopeful,

awestruck expression

when he thought

no one

was

looking.

Yeah, well, just for the record, you’re a million times better than any Brendan.

Which isn’t saying a whole lot,
Felix laughs.
Since I can tell you like Brendan about as much as that can of MoonBuzz.

No kidding,
I say.

Abruptly I open the car door wide,

grab the MoonBuzz can by my seat,

and turn it upside down.

Then watch, as bright red-pink liquid

gushes out,

into the gutter.

ANIL

1.
I leave the party by a kitchen door,

hoping no one notices me go,

and also hoping maybe Felix and Maxie

are still in Brendan’s car.

Feeling jittery, unhappy.

An outside observer would probably think it was

because I saw Chloe’s old boyfriend, Josh,

coming on to her.

But they’d be wrong.

Yes, I saw Josh put his hand on her waist

in that casual, I’ve-had-sex-with-you way,

but what surprised me most about it was

how much it
didn’t
bother me.

What did

was the smile she flashed at him.

It was exactly the same smile

she gave me when I walked up with a cup of punch.

And, in fact, the same smile

she gave Emma and Brendan

when they joined us.

Don’t get me wrong.

It’s a good smile. A winning smile.

The kind you see in glossy magazines.

But,

I keep thinking about Maxie,

her seeing a swing set as dinosaur bones.

And her smile,

that small, crooked smile,

a real smile,

that Chloe Carney’s lips,

no matter how perfect,

can never replicate.

2.
Smoke is drifting out of an

open window of the SUV.

So I know at least Felix is still in there.

He should probably be more careful.

Chloe said the neighbors on both sides

are at vacation homes in Wisconsin,

but this is the kind of party

that’ll eventually get busted.

Which makes me ready to get out of here.

My dad would kill me if I got picked up

by the police the weekend before school starts.

3.
I come up to the window

and Felix spots me.

Dude,
he says.
Join us.

So I do, sitting on the backseat floor,

my legs sticking out the open car door,

declining the joint Felix offers.

How’s the party?
he asks.

Pretty crazy,
I say.

I sneak a look at Maxie, who is leaning back

in her seat, eyes closed.

The lavender shirt she’s wearing

looks nice on her.

Whoa,
says Felix,
I think I just saw a comet or shooting star or something.

Felix’s eyes, which are trained upward

through the glass moonroof, are very red.

Must be pretty far gone on weed.

Sure, Felix,
Maxie says.

But she opens her eyes

and follows his gaze upward

through the moonroof.

Then she looks back at Felix

with a tender expression on her face,

like she really cares about this guy.

I wonder if they’re dating

and feel this weird stab of jealousy.

What the hell, I think to myself.

I barely know this girl.

And I have a girlfriend. Chloe Carney.

No, really,
says Felix.
I swear something streaked across the sky.

I once saw a comet,
I say.

Really?
says Maxie.

4.
So I find myself telling about the time

when I was a kid

and my dad got two telescopes.

He’d heard about the McNaught comet

that was due to show the brightest

on January 12 that year.

Two telescopes so Dad and I could watch

at the same time.

And I remember putting my eye

up to the telescope, feeling the cold metal

circling my eye socket.

I looked up at the midnight blue of the sky,

dotted with all those radiant specks of white,

spread out randomly as if someone had

carelessly strewn fistfuls of diamonds

onto a black cloth.

I saw it, that McNaught comet,

a thin stream of light across the night sky.

This is a very historic moment, Anil,
my dad said, his voice solemn.

The brightest comet in thirty years,

he told me,

and it would probably be that long, or longer,

before another one as bright came along.

And I find myself telling Maxie and Felix

that at age ten I suddenly got freaked out,

realizing that the next time

a big comet came along

my dad would be an old man,

maybe even dead.

And I might even be a father myself.

I remember feeling terrified,

like my life was this speeding train

you can’t stop.

I shut up then, embarrassed that I’d said

all that stuff.

Dude,
says Felix.
You’re messing me up.

5.
Felix starts rolling a new joint.

Maxie is quiet though.

I can tell she’s thinking about what I said,

really thinking about it.

Yeah,
she finally says.
I know what you mean.

There is a pause,

and then she goes on.

But sometimes the opposite is true. Sometimes it slows down. Little moments. Like now,
she adds suddenly, with a sweet smile that for some reason tugs at my heart.

Felix lights the new joint

and takes a deep pull on it.

Breathes out a cloud of smoke.

I can’t take my eyes off of Maxie’s face,

through the smoky haze inside the SUV.

And I wonder if I’m maybe getting a secondhand high

off Felix’s reefer.

I once had a moment like that, with my dad. A slowed-down moment, that is,
Maxie says dreamily.
It was one summer at the beach, Gillsons Beach, and we found some sea glass . . .

I watch her intently,

her eyes looking back in time

at herself and her dad

on that beach.

Two pieces of sea glass. It was amazing enough to find one, but two was something else. One was a frosty light blue and the other was green. And my dad got the idea that we should build a sandcastle and use the sea glass as windows. So we set to work, and that afternoon seemed to go on and on as we worked on the castle under the hot sun, the
sound of waves breaking, close but not too close. I loved it. And when we set those two pieces of sea glass in for windows, it was perfect.

6.
No one says anything for a few moments.

Maxie is still back on the beach with her dad,

and Felix has his eyes closed,

a smile on his face.

I like that story,
he says.
Ya know, I think that’s why I like weed. It slows stuff down,
he adds.

He takes a long drag on his joint.

So, d’you think Brendan has anything else in this cooler besides MoonBuzz?
Maxie asks.
I’m really thirsty for water, or at least something that isn’t going to kill me.

Let’s check it out,
says Felix.

He reaches over to open the cooler

and accidentally

he knocks his half-full can

of MoonBuzz out of the cup holder

onto Maxie,

splashing her lavender shirt

with lurid Hawaiian Punch–colored red liquid.

Oh shit, I’m so sorry!
Felix says.

Maxie grabs up a few used, rumpled tissues

and dabs at her shirt, but it doesn’t do much good.

I look around to see if there’s something,

like paper towels or rags.

Nothing.

I pop open the storage compartment

in the center console. Nothing there either.

7.
I reach over and punch the button

on the glove compartment

and it drops open, with a muffled thud.

In the glow from the interior light

I see it,

gleaming black, just sitting there,

filling up the glove compartment.

A gun.

Maxie has seen it, too,