Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (13 page)

Sometimes all that is needed is a simple, short, clearly thoughtout request such as, “Honey, will you please_____?”

If we want to grow spiritually, we have to take full responsibility for our anger, what triggers it, and how we express it. We must examine the root cause—what's behind it and where it comes from. If you approach your relationship as a creative journey in which you're growing and learning, exploring the lessons of anger together will benefit your mutual development. When you love someone, you want to learn as much as you can about yourself, so that you can become a better person and a better spouse.

It's important to talk with your spouse about how the two of you will handle anger. Are you going to view anger as “his,” or “hers,” or “ours”? There's often a pattern in relationships that goes something like this: She gets mad, he stays cool, or vice versa. The couple considers that whoever is mad has the problem. A more satisfying way of looking at anger is from a joint perspective. If one of us is mad, then we both can benefit by talking about it, finding the cause, and solving the problem. Instead of saying, “That's your problem,” and leaving it there, a couple interested in mutual growth says, “It's our problem.” If one partner is mad about something they address the issue together.

Sydney comes from a family who gets angry easily. They enjoy arguing over dinner; they abuse each other with words. They consider it sport. Philip never heard an argument from his parents, whose eventual divorce came as a complete shock. Sydney and Philip want to handle anger with out hurting each other. They don't want to sweep disagreements under the rug, but they don't want to pound each other either. Instead of allowing anger to come between them, they want to use it for mutual growth.

When what we want doesn't match what our partner wants, when you think he's being stubborn, when your ideas for resolution make sense but don't pan out, that's when an important conversation is needed. Can you reach beyond the disappointments, let go of your anger, and laugh about the quirks?

Consider either partner's anger as a problem to work on together.

Most people don't like to admit when they're angry. If you ask them, “Are you mad?” they'll deny it. But their vibe and body language says that they are. Folks who say they never get angry have put in place a defense system of denial. Unwillingness to admit when you're angry is a surefire, foolproof way of reducing the connection between you and your partner.

When you're angry, admit it. First to yourself. “Yes, I'm mad and I don't agree.” If you don't admit to yourself that you're upset, then you'll put off dealing with is the problem. You'll lose touch with yourself and the issues. Then anger leaks out in roundabout ways, in sarcasm and sneakiness. Admitting that you don't like what's going on is the first step toward change.

Next admit it to your partner. “Yes, I'm mad,” or “Yes, I feel angry at you,” or “Yes, I'm angry, but it's not with you.” When Nathan asks Abbey, “Are you mad at me?” and she answers, “What makes you think so?” he feels that she's playing games, but when she answers, “Yes, I am,” he feels closer to her. When she acknowledges that the angry vibes he's sensing are indeed there, he feels glad that at least they're operating on the same wavelength.

When you can tell others about some of the quarrels you've lived through (without blame but simply as entertainment or as scientific investigation), you'll both start feeling better about yourselves and about all your relationships. You'll find out that you can look at yourself objectively.

Admitting anger is not bad. Because anger has caused so much pain, people go to great lengths to avoid expressing their own annoyances.

Perhaps more than we would like to admit, we all use anger to cover up our pain. Zeus and Hera sure went at it. When Zeus' love affair with Alcmene produced a son, Hercules, Hera spent a lifetime getting even. She sent two snakes to kill baby Hercie in his crib, and when that didn't work she waited until he grew up, and at the moment of his greatest triumph she zapped him with a spell of madness. You can't blame Hera for being hurt and mad at Zeus for his philandering, but did she have to persecute the children?

The devastation that we experience when our beloved doesn't understand or seem to care leaves us feeling so utterly abandoned that we instinctively set out to survive by fighting back. “If I don't protect myself who will?” becomes our battle cry. The only defense we think we have is to get angry, get even, and strike back. And so we take care of ourselves by being angry. We torture one another. Some lovers wage war with physical brutality, slapping and pushing; others shrewdly launch verbal weaponry, calling names and belittling. Yet others scheme cleverly and threaten, while those more sinister use taunting and teasing. Many don the cloak of perceptual victim.

When we're hurt and seeking revenge, we're desperately isolated yet clamoring for connection. Secretly we hope that the one who hurt us will hurt as much as we hurt. If they do, surely they'll see the errors of their ways and come back pleading for forgiveness. When one of us, or both of us, is brokenhearted we yearn for the other to console us. We yearn for the very one that hurt us to come running back, promising never, never to hurt us again.

When we have hurt each other, that's when we most need comforting. Taking care of each other in the middle of the hurt and anger is a generous gesture, an act of reconciliation, of charity and compassion. Instead of exchanging petty crimes, abuses, ill treatment, and insults, consoling the person who has hurt you and letting them console you breathes new life into your relationship.

When you're angry at your spouse, instead of plotting revenge, try planning consolation.

Newlyweds Clint and Liza were bickering daily, discovering that going around and around trying to be right can ruin a perfectly lovely day. “We're both very stubborn,” Liza admits, “and when we disagree even about the tiniest fact—like whether the upholstery is brown or tan, which side of the street to walk down, or who to vote for in the primary election— we can waste a whole day staying mad.” Clint agrees, “We correct each other over minutiae.”

Clint and Liza are discovering how many things there are to disagree about, and since they don't want to waste days arguing over the inconsequential, they've made a rule: “If we're getting mad, one of us says out loud, ‘Pickle's feet!’ and that changes our mood and the direction we're heading,” Liza said. “Yesterday he yelled at me three times, ‘Pickle's feet,’ and I yelled back, ‘Pickle's feet to you too!’ It's working because we're laughing instead of snarling.”

Every time you're caught up in nit-picking, say something nonsensical. Find a phrase that you both agree upon or a word that makes you laugh. That little ritual will make you more alert to the insidious habit of “making each other wrong” that's so injurious to love. Instead of assassinating each other's character, swallow hard and say something like, “Tickle, tickle” or “Puff, puff, puff.”

Words have the power to provoke. A careless phrase can shatter your beloved's self-esteem and leave your relationship in shreds. “It's your fault,” “You can't do that!” “You're wrong,” “You can't do anything right,” “Shut up!” “You don't know what you're talking about” are tiny bombs that have lasting impact.

Finding a common language for discussing hurt and anger changes the chemistry between you. “I want to understand,” or “I see what you mean,” or “I never looked at it that way,” or “You might be right” are soothing phrases that turn the toxic energy from bitter to sweet.

When you no longer insist on being right, it's an indication that you're growing up. Then you can disagree without nasty words, you can agree to disagree, you can feel angry without hurting each other, you can have a fight without being mean.

One of the first homework assignments that I give couples who are full of anger and fighting is, Move to Easy Street for a Day. Walk easy, talk easy, think easy; let anger come and go. Sometimes we get angry because we push ourselves to do more, we compare ourselves to others, we strive for perfection. On Easy Street, we stop comparing ourselves and we deliberately slow way down.

On Easy Street people still get angry, but they let anger point the way to a deeper part of themselves. They take charge of the anger by identifying the fears underneath. Instead of letting the anger handle them, they recognize their own emotions but don't allow the emotions to rule. No person is without anger and no relationship is without conflict, but on Easy Street you don't blow it out of proportion and act as if the end has come.

A productive, easy fight is one in which you learn something new about each other, gain a new insight into yourself, or discover a more creative solution. It's telling each other in a kind way how you feel: “I felt unloved when you forgot our anniversary,” or “I feel as if you don't appreciate what I do.” It's admitting, “I goofed,” and saying, “You right, that was thoughtless of me,” without being overly hard on yourself. It's making amends: “How can I make it up to you?” It's kissing, hugging, and making up.

On Easy Street anger and conflicts are handled with care. Quarrels and differences of opinions don't upset the entire day, don't spoil the mood. Learning to use anger to clarify your relationship is a slow and gentle process. It's knowing what you're upset about, listening, negotiating, apologizing, and making up. On Easy Street you go easy on yourself and your sweetie.