Getting Old Is Très Dangereux: A Mystery (27 page)

Bella is insulted. “It’s for our dearest friends. How can you refuse? It’s an honor.”

Ida eyes them slowly. “All right, I’ll carry my cane. But first you have to go with me right now. The meeting’s about to start.”

Sophie won’t budge. “We’ve already been there this week. It’s enough. Besides, both of us heard from our dead husbands. We don’t need to attend today.”

Ida is adamant. “But I haven’t heard from mine, and I have a strong hunch that today’s my lucky day. And wouldn’t my friends, meaning you two, want to share my joy?”

Sophie, remembering Stanley’s warning, stamps her foot. “You’re no friend. Not anymore.”

Ida, betting on the fact she knows them so well, tries another tactic. She needs them there to see the Blatsteins’ fall from grace.

She sighs, as if giving in. “Very well. I’ll go alone. I’ll tell you later if you missed anything.”

She starts for the back path to Jerry’s Deli. In moments, she can hear the patter of their feet following her. The thought of missing anything will do it every time.

To any bystander, the scene is chaos. But knowing that Evvie is in charge of the rehearsal, I have full confidence all will work out. I watch her in action. Like a traffic cop, my sister stands in the eye of the hurricane and dispenses whatever directions are needed. Pardon my mixed metaphor.

Our friend and neighbor Pat “Nancy” Drew rushes up to her, wringing her hands. “We only have fifty chairs. Will that be enough?”

Evvie: “Not to worry. If people have to stand, they will.”

Pat scurries off.

Joe approaches, worriedly looking around. “Where are your dingbat girlfriends? They’re needed for the Cane Fu rehearsal.”

Evvie: “Don’t worry. Enlist stand-ins from our many grandchildren. They’ll love it. And warn them not to hit anyone over the heads with the canes.”

Joe isn’t finished. “Hy is being a pain in the neck about which pole he gets to carry for the chuppah. He says he feels unbalanced.”

Evvie laughs: “That’s because he is unbalanced. Let him pick his pole. Ignore him otherwise.”

Linda wheels her chair over. Proudly she introduces the four scruffy-looking teenagers with her, carrying instruments. “Here they are, as promised. My grandson, Run, and his friends, Hop, Skip, and Jump.” She smiles wanly. “Their ‘professional’ names. For their band—Toothpaste.”

I don’t dare crack a smile.

Evvie, lips pursed: “Pleased to meet you. Find Joe and he’ll show them where they should set up.”

When they leave, Evvie releases a groan.

I walk closer to her. “Heaven help us.”

We both try to hide our giggles.

Evvie says, “Toothpaste? I think maybe someone should put a cap over them.”

“Need some relief?”

With her eyes glancing every which way, she says, “Nah. I’m having a ball.”

“Very clever of you to give our families little jobs to do. It’s quite a sight seeing Dan, Alan, and Elliot redesigning the brush cove we’ll be standing in. With their wives decorating with balloons and kibitzing, of course.”

“I missed my calling in life. I should have been a CEO of some major corporation. Like the CIA. Hah!”

“Strange, isn’t it? No sign of Bella, Ida, and Sophie? I would have thought they’d be the first ones here.”

“I can’t imagine why they weren’t. Could they be together, considering the war they’re fighting?”

Ida tries not to squirm in her chair. She knows she’ll be called. She’s fresh meat for the Blatsteins. Sophie and Bella, still grumpy, keep looking at their watches. Ida only half listens to the guru’s lecture on the central chakra—the heart of the journey.

He drones on, “The symbol for this chakra is twelve lotus petals around a six-pointed star. It is
concerned with forgiveness and compassion—unconditional love and true acceptance in both body and spirit.”

Yeah, yeah
, Ida thinks.
Sounds like all that sixties huggy-kissy stuff. What a joke
.

The guru is interrupted by the chimes. Everyone pays attention immediately. Ida sits straight up in her seat.

The “dead husband” speaks. “I call upon Ida Franz. It’s Murray calling.”

Yes!
Ida jumps to her feet. Sophie and Bella stare, amazed. Her plan is working. She knew it would.

“Murray, darling. So glad to hear from you. I knew you would call. I felt it in my heart.” She smiles, getting a kick out of this. She milks it. “My heart chakra told me.”

“Murray” continues. “Thank you for telling our son to put flowers on my grave. It was so sweet you still remember.”

A crooked smile appears on her face. Ida plays it to the hilt. She takes her time looking around, making sure every eye in the room is on her. “What son? We have no son. And Murray, what is this about a grave? You were cremated.” She lets her bewilderment turn into anger. “I have your ashes on the shelf in my bedroom closet, in an old Chock Full O’ Nuts coffee can, right next to my summer hats. What’s going on around here?”

Sophie and Bella stare at her in shock, their mouths wide open. All the women gape at Ida, horrified by this turn of events.

Ida picks up momentum. She turns on the guru and Jerry’s wife. “What kind of racket are you running? I knew you were phonies! I left a make-believe letter in my purse, knowing that you people search them for information!” Her face is getting redder by the moment, but in her frenzy she can’t stop. She runs to the back closet and flings it open.

Her voice is shrill and high-pitched. “Where are you, Phoebe? Busing dishes? Get out here, Lenny, stop nibbling at the pastrami already. Come out, come out wherever you are.”

She breathes heavily. It gives Ida great pleasure to watch Mrs. Jerry push herself against the wall, afraid that she might hurt her. Poor Arlene Simon, closing her eyes, so she won’t have to watch. Ida smiles meanly at the effect she’s having.

But then “Murray” calls out again.

“My poor, poor Ida. You didn’t fool anybody with your thoughtless letter. They know the real truth. That you put your own daughter in prison and your grandchildren will have nothing more to do with you. That’s why they moved to California, to get as far from you as possible.”

Ida stops cold. How is it possible … ?

Ida slowly turns toward the guru, who is still
mouthing “Murray’s” words. She feels as if she’ll faint. She grabs onto a chair to hold her up.

The guru locks his eyes onto hers. “Murray” continues in a nasty tone of voice. “I have news for you, my dear wife. Our convict daughter is about to get paroled. And she will be coming after you.”

With that, Ida’s arms drop from the chair. The last thing she sees is the room spinning wildly around her and then, blackness.

When Ida comes to, the first faces she’s aware of are those of Bella and Sophie. They kneel beside her looking worried and frightened. They are both crying. In fact, everyone in the room is tearfully surrounding her. Mrs. Jerry comes over and hands Sophie a damp cloth. Sophie lightly wipes Ida’s sweating forehead. All the faces show concern.

Ida tries to talk but can’t. She is astonished to feel the sympathy of this whole group of people, sending waves of love out to her.

Baba also looks at her with deep compassion. “May I help you up, Mrs. Franz?”

Ida can barely nod. He gently lifts her to her feet. She stands, wobbly. At that moment Sophie and Bella and every woman in the room reach out wanting to help hold her. She feels their strength and is deeply grateful.

With that Ida bursts into tears.

Bella and Sophie hold onto her arms as they head for home. The sun is going down—she had no idea they’d been at the meeting so long. For a few moments none of them speak. Finally Ida breaks the silence. “You mustn’t tell Gladdy or Evvie. It will ruin their wedding.”

Sophie smiles. “Not a word out of
my
mouth. Pinkie honor.” She rolls her pinkie finger into Bella’s.

Bella nods happily as her pinkie accepts Sophie’s. “Not a peep out of me, either.”

They walk a little farther.

Ida stops. She needs to tell them everything. They sit on a bench under a palm tree. They listen, their faces solemn.

It’s hard for her to begin, but she must. “I’ve lied. About everything I ever told you about my life. I was too ashamed of the things that happened—the things I did. The mistakes I made.” She dabs at her tears with a tissue.

“Everybody makes mistakes,” Bella offers.

“Shh,” Sophie says kindly. “Let Ida finish.”

“My daughter and son-in-law were selling drugs and I couldn’t stand the life they led, endangering my sweet grandchildren. They were on food stamps. They felt the world owed it to them. Why didn’t I recognize my daughter’s illness? I tried to help.” She shakes her head as she’s reminded of
the bad memories. “I gave them money to support them until they found work. The money went fast and foolishly. I gave them more with their promises they would reform. When I finally had enough, I shut off the cash cow.”

Bella can’t help it. “Oy, then what happened?”

“They stole my jewelry. They forged my name on checks and when I found out, they laughed at me. They lied and didn’t give a damn how much they hurt me. I couldn’t think straight. I called the police and turned them in. My daughter’s husband got off, but she went to jail. My grandchildren believed their mother’s lies, swearing that I gave their parents all that money and jewelry.

“They blamed me, and hated me so much for what I did to their mother and ruining their lives. They didn’t want to ever see me again. My darling babies ended up living with their other grandmother, who had no interest in them. Their lives must have been awful. I felt so guilty.” She stops to take a breath. “My daughter threatened my life. She said she’d finish me off when she got out.”

Bella gasps.

Sophie is in awe. “And the guru found out about everything.”

Bella says, “Because that mean Murray told him.”

Sophie shoots her an exasperated look. “No, Bella, those Blatsteins probably Googled Ida’s
family on a computer. There are no dead husbands calling.”

Bella doesn’t get it. “But, but, all the husbands came to talk to us. Abe called me, even though I couldn’t say a word. I know it was him.”

Sophie shakes her head impatiently. “Don’t be silly. Ida is right. They were reading stuff from out of our purses and doing research on all of us. The guru just acted it out.”

Bella practically stutters. “But you talked to your Stanley.”

“No. I knew it was our guru. Doing a great imitation, I must say.”

“You mean, you didn’t believe them either?” Bella is astonished and confronts Sophie. “So why did you join the club?”

“We can’t go to movies or play bingo all the time. It’s entertainment.”

Bella is furious. “Then that guru is stealing our money under false pretenses. They all ought to be in jail!” She stops abruptly, looking guiltily at Ida. “Oops.”

“You know what?” Ida says. “Forget about calling the cops. I only saw happy faces at your guru’s place. If there’s someone else who’s concerned, let them play bell ringer. We have a wedding to go to.”

Ida stands, and the girls start walking again. When they reach the great lawn, people are coming
toward them. Sophie and Bella instantly lock pinkies again, and Ida relaxes.

As the three of them continue to walk on, now swinging their arms in unison, Sophie breaks into song. “Friendship, friendship, just the perfect blendship … ”

Ida and Bella join in.

The rehearsal is breaking up. Everyone is heading back to their apartments. The Cane Fu group drop their canes from their parade position. Merrill arranges to meet with them again later for a last run-through with the three who missed rehearsal. I take a long look around.

Everything seems in order. The charming assortment of the many-styled dining room chairs are finally all lined up in rows, waiting only for the last minutes when the wedding committee will tie balloons to the aisle seats on each row. The waiting chuppah is beautiful, constructed by my loving neighbors. It always brings a tear to my eye, remembering that the four poles that hold the canopy up signify the four corners of the earth, and the blue cloth canopy above is symbolic of the heavens and the wedding ceremony itself.

We had to have a drawing to choose who would hold up the bridal canopy, there were so many volunteers. Evvie had to find some way to avoid
chaos. I’m amused that Hy Binder is one of the pole bearers. Lola beams with pride.

I watch Evvie as she organizes all three families as to dinner arrangements. She’s sent out for pizzas, which brings applause from the grandkids. Picnic tables and benches are already set up in the rec room. She announces, “There are coolers filled with drinks waiting for you. For the adults I ordered healthy salads.” Much relief at that announcement.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the three missing girls heading toward us.

I applaud my sister. “Maybe you should go into the wedding planner business, too. You do the best wedding-on-the-cheap I’ve ever seen. So far, we haven’t spent a dime, except for new dresses.”

“Thanks. Maybe I will, and give Trixie lessons.”

“You could even go into partnership with her.”

Evvie laughs. “OMDB, as we used to say in school. Over my dead body!”

I spot Jack talking on his cell and hurrying toward me. He looks excited. We wait for him to reach us.

I hug him when he arrives. “What’s up?”

He shakes his head. “You are not going to believe this. It was Morrie. No wonder my best man didn’t show up for the rehearsal. They found The Snake.”

I am relieved. “That’s fabulous news. Where did they capture him?”

Jack says, “They didn’t. He was found dead in an alley about an hour ago. Badly beaten. Knifed to death.”

I have mixed feelings. What a terrible way to die. But that’s what he did to others. How ironic.

Evvie says, “That French Inspector Bonnard will be disappointed.”

Jack is philosophical about it. “But at least he can close the files on their most notorious criminal. Morrie and his men are heading over to The Snake’s motel room right now. They found the key in his pocket. Morrie wanted to know if we would be interested in meeting him over there.”