Getting Hotter (29 page)

She was the strongest woman he’d ever met, not to mention stubborn, resilient, compassionate, generous. He’d never been in a serious relationship before, but he wasn’t averse to the idea either, and if there was anyone he could picture himself with for the long haul, it was Miranda. And if
she
could penetrate the shield he always threw up, then why couldn’t her kids? All he had to do was lower his guard and give himself a chance to care about those children.

And it wasn’t difficult to care about a kid like Sophie Breslin. For the next thirty minutes, Seth had a blast with the girl. They were sprawled on the living room floor on the brand-new hardwood that sparkled from the sunlight streaming in through the window. Sophie had brought out half a dozen dolls, along with tiny doll accessories—hair elastics, little pink hairbrushes, barrettes and clips of all shapes and colors.

If any of the guys had asked, he would’ve said it was the lamest thing he’d ever done in his life.

The truth?

It was pretty frickin’ fun.

As his huge fingers tried to grip a teeny hairbrush to brush the silky blonde hair of an anatomically-incorrect Barbie, Sophie was laughing at him so hard her face had turned beet red.

“You have giant fingers!” Pure glee radiated from her little body.

“I can’t help it,” he said defensively. “Okay, new plan. You do the hair brushing, I’ll braid this foxy mama’s hair.” He reached for the voluptuous Latina doll in the hot-pink minidress.

“Deal,” Sophie said, grabbing Barbie.

They were so absorbed in their respective tasks that their heads jerked up in surprise when they heard the front door fly open.

“I’m home!”

A second later, Jason skidded into the living room, halting when he noticed what Seth and his sister were up to. “You’re playing with
dolls
?”

Seth couldn’t have answered the question if his life depended on it. The second he laid eyes on Jason, his throat closed up to the point that he couldn’t suck in a single breath, and he felt like he’d just gotten knocked in the gut with an iron beam.

Holy fucking shit. He was going to have a panic attack. His heart raced so fast that all he could hear was its frantic beating in his ears, and his palms were tingling. Black dots appeared in his vision—he actually welcomed them, because that meant he didn’t have to focus on the little boy standing in the doorway. The white-and-blue-striped uniform and blue baseball cap and little black sneakers.

The hat was the wrong color though. It was supposed to be red.

“—fun and you don’t hafta.” Sophie’s haughty voice broke through Seth’s anxiety attack, but it sounded tinny and incredibly far away. “Me and Sef are making Emily and her friends pretty. You can play with Sef after.”

“Can we? Can we play after?”

Seth felt a pair of eager brown eyes boring into him. He couldn’t do it, though. He couldn’t look at Adam again or else he might pass out.

Jason
.

Shit. That wasn’t Adam. It was Jason.

He bit hard on the insides of both cheeks, doing his best to breathe, to control his dangerously fast heartbeat.

“Can we play catch outside when you finish playing dolls?” Jason asked.

Seth abruptly shot to his feet, the doll in his hand falling to the floor with a thump.

“Hey!” Sophie protested, lunging for the doll.

“I…I’m going out for a smoke,” he blurted out.

He felt both children watching him in confusion, but he ignored them as he hurried to the kitchen
.

One foot in front of the other. Keep walking. Don’t think about that fucking baseball uniform.

Yeah, maybe he would’ve stood a chance, if Jason hadn’t scampered after him like a dog nipping at his owner’s heels.

“Please, Sef?” Jason pleaded. “I wanna show you how good I pitch!”

Seth swallowed. His throat was so clogged it burned. Memories he’d banished years ago came out of exile, pouring into his brain like floodwaters streaming into an unsuspecting city. Adam used to beg him to play catch too. Sometimes he’d say yes. Most times he’d scoff and tell him to quit being a whiny brat.

Agony constricted his heart. He’d been a total shit back then too, hadn’t he?

Should’ve been you, man. Should’ve been you.

Seth’s eyes started to sting, his hands shaking so badly it was a miracle he managed to dig his cigarette pack from the front pocket of his button-down. It took two tries to open the sliding door that led to the backyard. Five tries to get his fingers to work the lighter. And then he inhaled a lungful of smoke in a pull so long and so deep he got a head rush.

He exhaled shaky puffs of smoke that got carried away by the evening breeze. It was still light out, but the sun was beginning to dip toward the horizon.

“And I wanna show you my new mitt,” Jason was babbling. “Mom got me a new one because my old one got wet from the storm but the old one still works great so now I have
two
gloves.”

Seth’s heart continued to race. He kept his gaze focused straight ahead, his jaw tense, teeth grinding together. He couldn’t look at the kid. He couldn’t do it, damn it, otherwise he’d break the fuck down.

“Mom says smoking is bad for you,” Jason said matter-of-factly. “You should play sports ’stead of smoking.”

He took another desperate drag of his cigarette. Fixed his gaze on the bird feeder hanging across the yard.

But Jason wasn’t having it. The kid was determined to be paid attention to, come hell or high water. He moved in front of Seth and started bouncing around, a bundle of energy and smiles. That baseball uniform was all Seth could register, and that rush of pure helpless agony seized his chest again.

“You wanna play now? Can we play now?”

“For the love of God, I don’t want to play baseball with you!”

Silence crashed over them.

Jason was stricken for a second, and then his entire face collapsed, his bottom lip beginning to tremble.

Seth sucked in an unsteady breath. Exhaustion settled, making him feel like he’d just run a marathon.

“Just…go inside, Jason,” he muttered. “Please…go inside.”

Eyes shining with tears, the little boy hurried away without a word.

Should’ve been you.

The weight on his shoulders was so heavy he couldn’t stay upright anymore. He sagged to the ground, crushing his cigarette on the grass and bringing his knees up. He rested an elbow on his knee and dropped his forehead in his hand. He blinked rapidly but the tears came anyway. Burning his eyes, choking him up.

He had to go inside. He knew that. He couldn’t leave Miranda’s children alone for too long.

But goddammit, how the hell was he supposed to face that little boy?

Pain streaked through him. He couldn’t do it. He needed to call Miranda and ask her to come home. He shouldn’t be responsible for the safety of her children. Any children. He shouldn’t—

Seth jumped when he felt a warm hand on his arm.

“Don’t cry, Sef.”

Sophie’s voice was so gentle and so sweet that his throat clogged right back up.

He swiped a hand over his wet eyes. For the life of him, he couldn’t shrug off Sophie’s hand, and when she placed it over his, he was floored by how small her fingers were. All five of them barely covered two of his knuckles. She was innocent and tiny and fragile and she shouldn’t be around him, damn it. The thought brought a fresh wave of moisture to his eyes.

Christ, he couldn’t sit here crying like a fucking pansy. He had to call Miranda and tell her to come home.

Sophie flopped down on the grass beside him, then wiggled her way beneath his arm so that he had no choice but to sling it around her slender shoulders. She peered up at him, those brown eyes shining with encouragement, and then she reached up and touched the trail of tears on his cheek.

“’S’okay, Sef. I cry when I’m sad too.”

His shoulders sagged in defeat, his arm tightening around her, bringing the little girl close to his side. “I lost him,” he croaked.

“No, you didn’t. I’m right here.”

A somber Jason appeared in front of them, his face red and tear-streaked. He still had the uniform on, that damn uniform, but for the first time since the kid had come home, Seth’s vision was seeing everything clearly. He saw Jason’s brown eyes, not Adam’s gray ones. Jason’s short brown hair, not Adam’s unruly black curls.

As guilt swelled in his gut and stung his eyes, he met the boy’s gaze. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

Jason sniffled. Took a step closer.

“I was…upset. When you came home, you reminded me of someone else. I looked at you and I saw someone else.” He wiped his eyes, grateful that none of his teammates were bearing witness to this show of pure and utter weakness. “I’m so sorry, Jason.”

“Who did you see?” the boy asked, taking another curious step forward.

“My little brother. He was about your age. He’s…he’s in heaven now.”

Another explosion of guilt hit him square in the chest. Breathing through it, he held out his hand, beckoning Jason.

Without hesitation, Miranda’s son plopped down on Seth’s other side and snuggled close. Sophie was still holding his hand, and now Jason held his other one. The warmth radiating from those little fingers seeped into his body, which had grown cold and weary from the excruciating emotions threatening to consume him.

“Did you cry when your brother went to heaven?” Sophie asked.

Seth slowly shook his head. “No. I never did.”

“You shoulda. Mommy says it’s okay to cry when you get sad.”

“You can keep crying now if you want,” Jason offered. “We won’t laugh at you, right, Soph?”

“Right,” she confirmed.

Damned if that didn’t get him all fucking teary-eyed again.

“Thanks, guys. But I’m thinking I’m all cried out. I’m kinda hungry, though. What do you say we order that pizza now?”

He stood up, heaving the twins up with him. Then, before he could question himself, he lifted them both into his arms, eliciting a pair of delighted gasps. Two sets of arms wrapped around his neck, clinging tight, but he didn’t feel smothered. As he breathed in the scent of sweet kiddie shampoo, something shifted in his chest. Heart might’ve cracked a little bit too.

He glanced down at Jason, then Sophie. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry I was such a big jerk to you guys all those times.”

“’S’okay,” Jason said with a shrug.

“’S’okay,” Sophie chimed in.

Was it, though? He tried to keep his spirits up as he carried the kids into the house, but in the back of his mind, he knew that it
wasn’t
okay. And soon Miranda would know it too.

Chapter Seventeen

As Dylan waited outside Aidan’s door he was suddenly reminded of why he’d been so eager to get the hell out of Marin County ten years ago. He loved the house he’d grown up in, loved his mom and his brother and his dad, God bless his soul, but living in that bubble of normalcy had been so fucking oppressive at times. Everyone at his high school had been preppy and conservative to the core, and he could only imagine what his old friends would say if they knew that at this very moment, he was standing on the doorstep of a man he desperately wanted to have sex with.

Aidan opened the door looking as appealing as always. Dark hair messy, tall frame clad in basketball shorts and a black sleeveless tee. “Hey. Come in. Keep your boots on, though. I was sitting outside.”

Dylan entered the apartment and followed Aidan out to the stone terrace. Aidan reached into the cooler on the ground and fished out two Bud Lights.

“Thanks,” Dylan said, sitting down. He took a quick sip of beer before shooting the other man a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick.”

Aidan shrugged. “Sorry if I freaked you out at Carson’s last week.”

“I wasn’t freaked out. I was…surprised.” He slugged back some beer for liquid courage, then said, “I didn’t expect it. What you said. You know, about wanting…”

“You?” Aidan supplied. Those dimples appeared. “I don’t normally advertise it, but yeah, I swing both ways.”

“Me too.”

“I figured, what with the way you were undressing me with your eyes the night of the club fight.”

“Hey, you were undressing me right back.”

“Damn right.”

“So what do we do now?”

Aidan tipped his bottle and took a long swig. When he finished drinking, his dark eyes twinkled with humor. “What do you think we do?” Then he paused. “Wait, don’t tell me you’re a virgin.”

Dylan rolled his eyes. “I’m not a virgin.”

“You been with another man before?”

“Yes. But…but I’ve never been with
just
a man. Always had a woman there.” He studied Aidan’s face. “What about you?”

“I’ve been with just girls. I’ve been with just guys. I’ve been with both.”

“I see.”

There was a beat of silence, and then Aidan chuckled. “Is that why you’ve been acting all skittish around me? It freaks you out because there’s no chick around to serve as a buffer?”