Getting Dumped (10 page)

She dragged me down a long aisle packed with kids’ toys and around a corner where more toys teetered on rickety shelves.

It was there that we ran smack dab into Collin. Literally, as it turned out.

“Ouch,” I said, jumping back and rubbing my forehead.

Collin leapt back too, bumping a remote control car off an end-cap at the corner. The car toppled off the shelf, and Collin caught it without even looking.

“Blimey!” Collin set the car beside a doll that appeared to have mange. “You have a head like a footballer.”

“Are you always such a flatterer?”

“Are you always so insistent on not watching where you’re going?”

“Yes,” I replied, figuring it was the easiest answer for the moment.

Not to mention true.

“What
is
that?” I asked, pointing at a device in his hand that looked vaguely like a Taser gun. It could have been a prop from
Bionic Cyber Cops in Monster Trucks
.

Collin held up the device so I could take a closer look. “It’s an x-ray fluorescence analyzer.”

“Of course it is. I left mine at home this morning or we could have compared.”

He didn’t actually smile, but he did stop frowning. I decided to count that as a point in my favor.

“It measures the levels of lead present in various objects,” he said, glancing down at the device and flicking a button. “The wheels on this toy car, for example, test well below the legal limit of 600 parts per million, whereas the paint on that toy train tests at nearly 1400.”

I started to pick up the toy before thinking better of it. “Is this another one of your hobbies?”

“The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission sets limits on the amount of lead and phthalates allowed in products for anyone under age twelve. I routinely test all the children’s merchandise in the store.”

Ernie beamed at him. “Store owners can face $100,000 fines or jail time if they screw it up, so I’m glad he does it. He even inspected my whole storage area for that nasty mold they’ve been talking about on the news.”

Collin looked down at the fluorescence analyzer thingy and flipped a switch, clearly more intrigued by the device than my presence. Having owned several high quality vibrators, I could relate.

“So what brings you out here?” he asked, not bothering to look up.

It took me a moment to remember, fixated as I was on thoughts of vibrators and Collin’s gun.

“Oh,” I said, regrouping. “Burt mentioned the other day that Ernie maybe had some fake designer handbags out here. I wanted to take a look.”

“Oh, why yes,” Ernie said, visibly flustered. “Burt told me about the fabric you found out there and what you think is happening and how terrible those fake purses are. We had a great big family dinner just last night and I was telling everyone what you said about the sweatshops and terrorists and the children in the factories, and when Adam heard how it hurts designers like your sweet little sister, he was just so upset, and then he mentioned that Lori’s intern was looking into things and now no one’s heard from her and—”

“Right,” I said, grateful that Burt had passed along the information so I didn’t have to be the bearer of bad news. “I was just wondering if you had any of those handbags on the shelves right now.”

“You know, I had three of them this morning, but a woman came in and bought them all.” She gave me a sheepish look. “I was planning to pull them out of my inventory, but I had some lady troubles earlier and had to spend some extra time in the bathroom taking care of business, so one of my volunteers was covering the counter for awhile and that’s when the bags sold, just like that, all gone—”

She snapped her fingers, and I seized the opportunity to get a word in. “That’s okay,” I said. “Were those the only ones you had?”

“Well, let me just take a look at some of the things I’ve got set aside for repairs,” she said, shuffling toward the back room. “Maybe if there’s something missing a button or needing a little stitching, I might’ve put it in the back room.”

Ernie disappeared into a small room. As she vanished inside, I felt someone moving behind me. I sensed it was Collin, but didn’t turn around. Maybe if I was very lucky, he’d just go away.

“I know I had something in here—” Ernie called, her voice muffled from inside the room.

“It’s okay, Ernie, I don’t want to create any trouble for you,” I yelled back.

Behind me, I heard Collin clear his throat. “So you’re not here to cause trouble?” he asked in a low voice.

I turned around and looked at him. His expression was unreadable.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, my pulse speeding up.

Collin shrugged and picked up a small toy truck on the counter. “Just gauging your intent.”

“My intent is to find out whether somebody local is making counterfeit handbags.”

“I see,” he said, and set the truck down. He went back to fiddling with his x-ray fluorescence thingamajiggy, his shoulders rigid. “I noticed you out near the south flare station the other day.”

He kept his eyes down on the gun, his fingers adjusting some sort of switch.

“Flare station?” I said, confused. “Burt was showing it to me, explaining how the landfill burns off methane.”

“You were alone.”

I thought back, trying to remember. “I thought I dropped an earring when I was there with Burt. I went back later to look.”

“I see,” Collin said again, still not looking up.

I watched him for a moment, trying to figure out just what he was implying.

“Look, Collin,” I said, trying to keep the tension from my voice. “It seems like you have some sort of problem with me. If you’ve got something to say—”

“Here we go!” Ernie announced triumphantly, marching out of the back room with the most hideous knockoff I’d ever seen. She came around the counter and held it out to me like a prize, her expression eager.

“I was doing a little research online, but I just have no idea how to tell if this is real or not,” she said as I took the bag from her. “Kate Spade is a good brand though, right?”

“Right,” I said, regrouping a little to focus on the handbag. “But this isn’t Kate Spade.”

“It’s not?”

“Nope. Sorry. You learn a lot about handbags when you’re an avid collector whose sister designs them,” I said. ”For starters, Kate Spade has never made a denim bag.”

“Really?”

“And see how the stitching is a little crooked here around the label? Plus this style of bag would normally have little feet on the bottom and much nicer hardware than this has.”

“So it’s fake,” Ernie said, sounding scandalized. “What should I do with it?”

“Well, it’s illegal to knowingly sell a counterfeit bag, so don’t do that.” I handed the bag back to her, and she stared like I was offering a live grenade. She finally took it, gingerly holding it by the strap. “I know
Harper’s Bazaar
has a web site called
Fakes Are Never In Fashion
,” I added. “They encourage readers to send old counterfeit bags and tell their stories. There’s also a group called the International Anti-Counterfeiting Coalition that might have suggestions.”

Ernie glanced down at the bag, looking determined. “I’ll do some research,” she said, smiling back up at me. “Thanks, JJ.”

“No sweat. Would you mind giving me a call if any other bags turn up?”

“Absolutely,” she said, smiling a little. “I’ve never been a spy before.”

“New experiences can be good,” I agreed. “From what I hear, spies make a pretty good living.”

Beside me, Collin cleared his throat. I turned around, remembering our aborted conversation. My blood began to boil again, and I opened my mouth to pick up where I’d left off.

But before I could say a word, Collin set his Taser gun down on the counter and folded his arms over his chest. His amber eyes were flashing with something that looked like irritation. I took a step back, not sure what had prompted the reaction.

“So JJ,” he said, eyeing me with a guarded expression. “What do you say we go grab a cup of coffee?”

“Coffee?” I asked, not sure I’d heard him right. “Now?”

“No,” he said, picking up his Taser gun again, along with the toy truck. “After work.”

“Oh. I guess that would be okay.”

My mind was reeling, trying to figure out what was going on. Was he plotting to poison me or did he just really like coffee?

“You’re off at three with the rest of the landfill crew, so how about we meet at Starbucks around four?” he suggested.

I folded my arms over my chest and looked at him. “This is Oregon. There’s a Starbucks every two blocks. You’re going to have to be more specific than that.”

Collin sighed. “How about tea?”

“How about the Starbucks at the corner of Ninth and Wilson. They have tea. And make it five, I have to go home and feed my cat.”

“Very well,” Collin said, giving me a curt nod. “I’ll see you then.”

Then he turned on his heel and walked back toward the toy section.

Beside me, Ernie squealed. Burt and I both took two steps back and winced.

“He’s very smitten with you!” she gushed, keeping her voice low as we watched Collin retreat.

“Smitten?” I asked, practically choking with incredulity. “That wasn’t smitten. If that had been a real gun, I think he might’ve shot me.”

“That’s just Collin,” Ernie said, waving a hand dismissively. “He’s a little different. But obviously he wants to take you out for coffee.”

“He wants to
meet me
for coffee,” I corrected, checking to make sure Collin was out of earshot. “I don’t think that’s the same thing.”

“Oh, posh. That little Green Barbie was in here just before you were, flouncing around in her teeny skirt, and Collin barely even noticed her. He was much more taken with you.”

“Just because he’s not fond of bimbos doesn’t mean he’s got a thing for me. Seriously. Has he ever poisoned anyone? It’d be easy to slip arsenic into an espresso.”

“JJ, you’re being silly,” she said. “The boy is just a little shy.”

“That’s definitely not a boy and he’s definitely not shy,” I said, glancing to my left where Burt was admiring an electric toothbrush still in its original packaging. “What do you think, Burt? You’re a guy.”

Burt scraped something that looked like chocolate off the corner of the packaging and eyed it with interest. “Sorry, sweet pea,” Burt said, nodding at Ernie. “I’ve gotta agree with JJ here. The boy seemed downright hostile.”

“Exactly,” I said, trying not to be disappointed at being agreed with.

“Hogwash,” Ernie said. “You’ve seen how the little boys pull the little girls’ pigtails on the playground when they like them.”

“I don’t think he’s pulling my pigtails, Ernie. I think he might actually light my hair on fire if I gave him the opportunity.”

“Nonsense,” she said, reaching over to take the toothbrush from Burt as she moved behind the cash register to ring up the purchase. Burt looked confused.

“You mark my words,” Ernie said, punching buttons on her register. “That boy will surprise you.”

ERNIE WAS RIGHT about one thing. Collin certainly did surprise me.

Even though I suspected he was more likely to pat me down for weapons than admire the contents of my sweater, I still wanted to look nice for our coffee chat. I showered hastily after work, tugging on my favorite pink cashmere cardigan over a matching pink silk camisole and pairing it with a well-fitting pair of jeans. I felt a flutter of something as I dropped some kibble into Blue Cat’s dish and headed toward the door.

Blue Cat stared after me irritably, clearly expecting seared ahi and a scratch behind the ears.

“Sorry, buddy.” I grabbed my keys off the rack by the door. “I’ve got pork roast in the slow cooker, but you’re on a diet. Maybe one tiny piece later, if you’re really, really good.”

He flopped down on his side and gave me a look intended to convey that he was capable of chewing my eyelids off while I slept.

I had to hustle to make it to coffee with Collin. I had deliberately chosen the Starbucks just a few blocks from my house so I could walk there, ensuring I arrived rosy-cheeked and softly windblown. The plan might’ve worked if it hadn’t been raining sideways. As it was, I arrived soggy and frizzed and a good five minutes late.

I looked around for Collin, pushing my way through the door as I spotted him at a corner table with a large white mug and a somber expression. He was reading
National Geographic
.

He glanced up as I approached, disgruntled as always. I wasn’t sure if it was my tardiness or the general sight of me, but I was getting rather used to the expression.

Collin stood up and gestured toward an empty chair. “Please, have a seat.”

I nodded toward the counter. “I’m going to grab some coffee first. You want anything?”

“No, thank you. I’m quite fine. I would have ordered for you, but I wasn’t certain what you fancied.”

“I fancy a skinny vanilla latte with extra foam, a dash of cinnamon, and one packet of Splenda,” I told him. “For future reference.”

“Certainly.”

By the time I returned to the table, Collin was pulling his teabag out of the mug. He set it gently in his teaspoon, coiling the string around it a few times before pulling it tightly to squeeze all the liquid out. He set the tidy bundle on his saucer, reached for his biscotti, and dipped it in his mug. He looked up at me.

I took a swallow of coffee and tried to think of a good icebreaker.

“So you’re a spy,” he said.

I choked on my coffee.

When women in movies do this, they somehow manage to daintily sputter a light, ladylike mist while everyone has a good chuckle. That wasn’t the case for me. Collin was still wiping espresso off his glasses when the man from our neighboring table stood, apparently considering the Heimlich.

I waved him away, and finished coughing.

Then I stared at Collin. “What the hell? A
spy
? Are you nuts?” I blotted my cashmere with a napkin and waited for a good explanation.

Collin looked at me. “I’m not the one who just treated everyone to a Starbucks shower.”

“And why might I have done that, Collin? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that you’re hurling bizarre accusations at me out of nowhere.”