Gemini (35 page)

I let that sink in for a minute, and then dropped my fork. “Did you just call her Mandy…was that her nickname?”

“Only Ed called her Mandy…that was his nickname for her,” Elaine said, as Ed smiled at her.

Chills ran through me as I recalled the song that played at the diner the very first time I saw Cedric: it was
Mandy
by Barry Manilow. 

I picked up my fork and ate again in silence as I thought about that eerie coincidence and seemed to feel her presence in this booth. It might have been my imagination, but I felt like she was here…now…I could sense it. And Ed’s use of the name today and my recollection of the song could be her way of showing me she has been here all along. I kept this realization to myself.

              Ed interrupted my thoughts. “Allison, I want you to know, we thought we were doing the right thing all those years. If we had known what would have happened, we would have handled things differently.”

I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “I know.”

              After a bit more silence, Elaine asked, “Can you tell us a little about your childhood?”

I smiled as I recalled my mother. “Sure. I had a great childhood. I guess you could say Amanda and I were both lucky to be placed in good homes. My mother, Margo, was single and always wanted a child of her own. She made a good living and was on a waiting list and one day out of the blue got a call about a baby girl. I was hers ever since that day. She was my everything and provided a great life for me. I never had a father, but she was enough. She worked, but she never missed a dance class, never missed a soccer game. And when I grew up, there was nothing I couldn’t confide in her about. She died from cancer a couple of years ago. So…it’s been hard. She was my best friend.”

              As I started to cry, Ed reached across the table and grabbed my hand again and joined me in tears, saying, “So you lost your everything and we lost ours.”

             
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said sniffling and over the course of the next hour, I reminisced more about my mother. They shared memories of Amanda, who, it turns out, was a cheerleader in high school and won some competitions. She also studied abroad in Spain during the summer before her senior year in high school and was a grade A student. She had been majoring in journalism at Northwestern.

The lunch was emotional but the ride to their house was quiet.

When we pulled up to a beautiful but modest home in a nice suburb of Chicago, I realized my sister must have had the typical suburban upbringing.

Elaine brought Ed inside to his bedroom upstairs and when she returned I followed her down some stairs off of the kitchen into a converted garage that had been made into a bedroom.

              “This was Amanda’s room. I thought maybe you would like to sleep here. It’s not exactly how she left it, but some of the things, I didn’t touch, like the bulletin board of photos over there and the items on the chest of drawers. I donated her clothes some years back, so the closet is empty. Feel free to hang all your things. It’s been a guest room for many years now.”

             
I looked around the pretty pink walls and décor. It was the epitome of a feminine room. There was a pink bedspread with small white flowers, vintage Pottery Barn and the wallpaper had thick pink and white lines.

There was one window at the front of the room, which let a lot of sun in and a light summer breeze came through it.

              “I’ll let you get situated. I am going to run upstairs and get you some towels and things,” she said.

             
“Thanks so much, Elaine.”

             
Left alone in Amanda’s room, I sat on the bed, looked around and then closed my eyes relishing the breeze. If I thought I could feel her presence at the restaurant, it was definitely out in full force right here. This room would be the epicenter, actually.

             
I immediately walked over to the bulletin board that hung on the wall. There were dozens of pictures held up by thumb tacks: Amanda’s high school graduation, cheerleading shots, a prom picture with a blonde boy who looked like Zach from the show Saved By the Bell. Then, I noticed the same picture that I had found of Amanda in Cedric’s binder. I took it off the wall and looked on the back.

To my gorgeous girlfriend, thank you for agreeing to pose for me. Love you, baby. Cedric.

I swallowed hard at seeing Cedric’s handwriting and from seeing the words ‘Love you.’ 

I stuck that photo back onto the board noticing another one of a young Cedric and Amanda, smiling from ear to ear, wearing St. Patrick’s Day hats and green shirts. It was always hard to see his beautiful face, but it was even harder to see him looking so happy with her, especially when she looked identical to me when I was eighteen. It was all so strange.

I turned that photo around and noticed that the date was March 2002. It was taken a month before she died. I felt tears start to form as I tried to block the accident and how she suffered before she died out of my mind.

She was so young. And she wanted to find me…she wanted me there. I had no idea she even existed and I was probably sitting in a mall food court eating taco bell when she died.

I returned to the bed, clutching the photo in tears. There were so many unknowns…would she and Cedric have gotten married and had the baby? Would she and I have met and become close?  I would never know. As I continued to stare at the photo, my confused emotions continued. The photo made me jealous because he clearly cared for her, but it also made me mad because he was possibly going to break up with her a month later. And was she pregnant in the photo?

             
Just then, Elaine startled me, when she returned with the towels and saw me crying. She sat next to me on the bed and saw the photo in my hand, taking it gently away and looking at it.

             
“Cedric told me everything, you know,” she said.

             
“What do you mean?”

             
“Honey, we had put him in a very difficult position, Ed and I, asking him to be the one to find you. We never really considered, his feelings…how he might feel about you, what should now be obvious…that he could fall for you. We just wanted to know you were okay and for you to know about Amanda, because that was her wish. Cedric was already in Boston and with Ed so sick, it made the most sense to ask him to confront you.”

             
“What exactly did Cedric tell you about us?”

             
“He called sometime after you found the photo at his mother’s house. He was in tears, Allison. He confessed that he had found you months before, but had kept it from us and that you two had grown very close all those weeks. He was devastated because he knew he’d lost you.”

             
“That was a real shock, Elaine, finding out about her that way.” I sobbed.

Elaine put her arm around me. “I know it must have been…I am so sorry.” After a pause, she continued, “I asked him something that night though and I think you should know about it.”

I turned to her suddenly. “What?”

“Well, I could hear how tormented he was. I asked him if he was in love with you. He didn’t even hesitate, Allison. He told me he was.”

I let out a deep sigh. That was hard to hear. Even in his letter, he never used the word love. He had never said those words to me at all.

             
“Can I ask you something, Elaine?”

             
“Sure, honey.”

             
“How have you been able to forgive Cedric so easily? I mean, he thinks he’s to blame for the accident, but how do you feel?”

“Oh, honey. He wasn’t to blame for her losing control of the car. He was a kid who made a bad choice, like so many others. Cedric stayed by her side every second in that hospital. He would have given his own life to save hers and told me so many times. I do believe she was his best friend, but they were kids. Amanda was eighteen and Cedric was only twenty-two…he was older, yes, but still so young and immature. Deep down, I cannot be sure they would have lasted had the accident never happened.  Neither one had lived their lives yet. Even if she had survived and had the baby, I still think it would have been too much for them to sustain their relationship at that age.

              “How did you feel when you found out she had been pregnant?”

             
“We were shocked, of course. But we found out after she had lost the baby and while she was fighting for her life, so the issue wasn’t dealt with in the same way it might have been had she and the baby been healthy. I knew my daughter was on the pill, because we talked about that so I don’t know what happened…I guess nothing is 100-percent.”

             
“Thank you for answering my questions, Elaine. I know it must be hard to relive everything.”

             
“It’s okay, Allison. You know, when Cedric told me how he felt about you, I have to be honest. I didn’t understand how he could fall in love with someone so quickly. But now that I have met you, I think I understand exactly how that could happen.”

***

              My trip to Illinois was only supposed to be a few days.

We spent most of the time at the house, making meals, playing cards and getting to know each other. Elaine cooked Amanda’s favorite Beef Stroganoff for me and showed me how to make it. They also showed me some of Amanda’s childhood videos and we all cried for different reasons: Ed and Elaine for what they lost, myself for what I never knew. 

Overall, it felt as though I was visiting a long lost aunt and uncle. We got along well and they made me feel like part of a family, especially, Ed whose calm and welcoming demeanor got me to open up about everything that had been bothering me these past couple of years.

I poured my heart out to him about Nate, dropping out of grad school, losing my mother, finding my purpose and about falling hard for Cedric. He gave me some good advice and urged me to take one day at a time and that everything would work out. He told me to only worry about the day at hand. And today, there was no place I felt more wanted or needed than this brick home in Naperville.

The day before I was supposed to leave, Elaine had to work and someone had come to the house to stay with Ed. Elaine had told me that Ed had to quit his well-paying job as a technology consultant when he began receiving cancer treatments.  Elaine, who never had to work during their marriage before, now had to return to the workforce to help pay for medical expenses, so she worked as a teachers aide at a local school. Part of that salary also paid for a visiting nurse type person to help take care of Ed while Elaine worked. This person would also help make meals and take Ed to appointments.

             
Elaine had mentioned that since I had been around, Ed seemed happier than he has been in a long time and he seemed to be stronger.

As I sat drinking my coffee, while a woman named Alicia tended to Ed, I had a light bulb moment. Why couldn’t I stay a little longer? I wasn’t exactly eager to get back to Boston and if Ed was in good spirits with me here, maybe I could help take care of him for Elaine and save them from having to hire help?

              That night at dinner, before I had a chance to propose the idea to Elaine, Ed must have been reading my mind.

             
“Allison…I really wish you didn’t have to go so soon. I feel like we were just getting to know each other.”

             
“Well, it’s funny you say that. I was thinking of something and wanted to run it by you both.”

             
“Oh?” Elaine said.

“Well, I was thinking…maybe I could stay for a while. Not just to hang around…but maybe I could be the one taking care of Ed while you got to work? We could play cards and I could keep him company during his chemo…what do you think?”

              “My goodness, Allison, that’s quite a sweet proposition, but don’t you have a life to get back to…what about your two jobs?

             
“The diner won’t miss me and I can take a leave of absence from my other job. Sure, my clients need me, but I think right now, Ed honestly needs me more. Besides, I owe it to my sister. She would help if she could be here.”

Elaine smiled but looked hesitant to accept my offer, until Ed spoke up.

Ed turned to us, clearing his throat. “Elaine, if I might give my two cents on what Allison is proposing?”

We both looked at him and let him speak.

              “Aside from losing Amanda, battling this disease has been the darkest time of my life. Allison, whether you know it or not…your being here has taken that darkness away. I don’t want to keep you from your life in Boston, but if you are serious about staying here…there is nothing I would want more.”

             
My mouth formed a huge smile and I got up to hug him.

“It’s settled then,” I said.    

***