Geli Voyante's Hot or Not (18 page)

‘Cream? Tablets?’

‘Both,’ I reply glumly.

Bloody Theo. I absolutely
hate
doctors and this one made me feel so immature. Like I
wanted
this to happen.
Please
. He also made a big fuss about whether I could be pregnant – what on earth is the pill for then? For a fleeting second, I felt bizarrely mollified by Theo’s stupidity at the thought of a Voyante-Bones bundle of joy, but then I recalled Theo’s no-children policy... and the fact I’m still a child myself. Anyway, I must not dwell on this. I have learnt a valuable lesson; I will not make this mistake again. Etc. Etc.

‘So
, where is Mr Infection?’ Glinda teases.

I glare at her for that one. I do not need this – not after
being baby-sat by Susie all day, followed by the doctor – I am not in the mood. ‘His train got delayed. He won’t get back until late,’ I snap.

‘It’s not been your day
has it, sweetie?’ she asks, suddenly realising my mood.

‘No,’ I curtly reply.
‘And the doctor thinks I may be suffering from depression again,’ I then admit in a small voice.

‘Oh, Geli,’ Glinda says softly, as the tears start to roll.

Honestly, I’m supposed to be happy now I’m with Theo, but what with my embarrassing ailment and being attacked by the doctor because he perceived me to be “low”, I can’t help but shed some tears. I don’t think it is depression, per se, more mortification at my stupid sexual endeavour and the ramifications of what getting with Theo has revealed – how exposed I feel from our night together and the answer-phone airing of my darkest, most disturbing secrets. I get why it’s taking its toll on me.   

‘It’s
OK,’ I sniff. ‘You know how I get in December with the weather. I’ll be fine.’ She pulls me in for a big hug.

Glinda should be allowed to be happy in her newly
engaged state, and I shouldn’t be bringing her down.

‘Girly night in?’
she asks when I finally calm down – a good sob is just what I needed.  

‘Won’t you be spending the evening with Jeeves?’

A
good sob may be what I needed, but with it my shouldn’t-be-displayed pain at Glinda getting engaged is surfacing again. I hardly need a night in with the loved-up love bunnies. Christmas is the most depressing time of year as it is, without having to contend with smug soon-to-be-married people, especially considering my recent love “highlight” of a STI… Bah humbug.

‘Nop
e, just me and you, Gel. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.’

‘Really?’ I ask in a tiny voice.

‘Really. He won’t even be in attendance at Christmas.’

‘
Looks like I have got you all to myself.’ Better than being all by myself I think ungratefully. What is with me?

‘Pizza?’

‘Sure.’ I manage a small smile. ‘No cheese!’

‘Like I need telling,’ she
chuckles as she heads to the kitchen to grab the takeaway menu, not that I ever have anything different. One medium pepperoni and chicken pizza with jalape
ñ
os, cherry tomatoes, onion and no mozzarella is always my choice.

I
stay where I am to sit and mope whilst Glinda orders for us – adding in some dough balls; I’m pleased she’s not started a wedding diet just yet – and, in fact, I secretly mope all night, even though I do enjoy Glinda’s company. It must be the combination of Christmas blues and PMS, and I feel rotten all evening because of it. Surely it can’t be full-blown depression – my life is not
that
bad after all but, then again, depression is hardly rational. That’s a thought that keeps me up most of the night – the fog of my Bell Jar has descended.

I arrive at work in a dreadful mood
because of these thoughts and my lack of sleep, but it soon evaporates when I get to my pod and find Theo sitting on my Todd chair, a huge bunch of flowers in hand. I have no idea what sort they are – I’ve not got a clue about that kind of thing – but I can tell they are not roses.

W
hatever they are, they are pretty and in abundance. More importantly, they are attached to a grinning Theo – a grinning Theo who is looking at me in a way that suggests he may have missed me, but that’s only my interpretation, of course.

‘I’ve missed you.’

Score! And,
see
! We are meant to be, and he obviously was with his
male
friends all weekend judging by the look he is giving me... but then the other part of my brain kicks in and I start to think that perhaps the only reason I have these flowers is because he feels guilty about something and, come on, it’s obvious for me to jump to that conclusion.

‘Have you?’ I
ask lightly.

‘
Of course! If you’re free tonight Miss Voyante, I’ll prove it to you.’

Ooh
, does that mean the sex ban thing has gone? Excellent! I knew it wouldn’t last.

‘Really?’ I purr.

‘Yep.’

‘Tell or
show
?’

‘Tell, Geli,’ Theo sternly replies. ‘I told you
, I think we should get to know each other before we start all that again.’

I
know I’m at work and everything but, really, all I want to do right now is scream at Theo that I want sex and how dare he deny me a basic human need, especially a human need that would make me feel better – sex is the perfect pick-me-up.

T
hen again, Stella did say that Calvin popped the question without those two sleeping with each other. Maybe there is something to the archaic approach, plus the doctor did say I should abstain until my course of antibiotics is finished.

‘That’s
fine,’ I say nicely. ‘Tea?’

‘Please.’

I exit to the kitchen with a sweet smile on my face, poisonous thoughts in my head and a bubble of anger in my tummy.

‘What’s up?’

‘What’s up with you?’ I counter-ask Sara. ‘You’re never usually on the tea this early.’

‘Family stuff,’ she vaguely replies.

If it’s not family stuff, it’s man trouble. If it’s not man trouble, it’s work-related… but of course we’re one big happy
New News
family so it’s
never
work-related.

‘Anything I can help with?’ I ask.

‘Nope.’ She grimaces. ‘It’s just the usual pre-Christmas gloom from the thought of being trapped and forced into faux Christmas jolliness.’

To say Sara silently seems to think all my Trouble stems from avoidance issues with my f
ather, she’s hardly selling the concept that family is the way for me to sort all my issues out.

‘How are you anyway, Geli?’

‘Oh, I’m fine.’

And we leave it at that, as
we silently stir our tea and add our milk. There’s no point in having a deep and meaningful if neither of us is in the mood, even if that means not delaying work a little longer.

Saying that, I
do need to be on my best behaviour as Susie is on the warpath and I have my appraisal this week. At least she reminded me yesterday to include something Christmassy in this week’s column – parasitic mistletoe from last week’s column wasn’t apparently festive enough. I’d better check what’s happening in the world then… 

‘Gel?’

‘A-huh?’

I am grateful for Theo’s call over the pod because, seriously, how much news is generated each day? Who reads it all? I could spend all day reading all the news only to find I’m hours out-of-date when I hit refresh. You could spend a lifetime never keeping current in your current affairs.

Theo’s distracting call
is most welcome, even if “Gel” makes me sound like a hair product. Maybe if he continues with that shortening, I’ll start calling him “Dore” – see how he likes that.

‘Can you look at some photos for me?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ll e-mail them across.’

‘A-huh.’

I don’t know why I can’t just walk around to his pod and view them on his screen, but that’s Theo for you. He’s reminded me though – Glinda phoned me earlier telling me I had to check out Tiggy’s
new photos on Facebook, but she wouldn’t elaborate further. Still, little tasks like this from the Glindster help me fill up my day.

I’ll log into Facebook first and have a look at what Tiggy has been up to now. Ooh
, maybe she’s secretly had her engagement party. It would be fab to miss out on the suffering the event will cause me; on the other hand, I’d quite like to meet Calvin. Calvin intrigues me, especially with Stella’s snippet and his good looks. I wonder if he has a brother…

‘
Gel
!’ Theo calls.

‘Just a minute!’

This causes Jerry to glare at me. He’s not happy because of Susie’s invasion yesterday and because I didn’t make him a cup of tea this morning. He’s also hungover and cranky as someone got a little wild at the Spice Girls reunion concert last night; he rocked up this morning in a pink Geri tee, the dirty stop-out!

Tiggy first, then Theo.
I hope Theo doesn’t want to help me choose a new profile picture from his weekend’s shenanigans in Newcastle. Yuck.

Click.

!

!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The little fibber. Actually, the
lottle
fibber. Make that, the great big, dirty LIAR. Now I really can’t wait to meet Calvin because he really is the village idiot.

Tiggy Boodles has superimposed pictures of herself partaking in charity work. She is
deliberately
deceiving Mr Murphy-Lee into thinking she is Saint Antigone – the patron Saint of the needy and defenceless. I know they are faked because I know Tiggy Boodles; Tiggy would
never
do charity work.
Ever
. Plus, I recognise the backdrop. I know she’s had someone skilfully remove Jessica’s image and replace it with her own. Of all the sneaky things to do. I wonder if…

‘Geli,’ Theo calls
out impatiently. ‘What’s the verdict?’

I
’ve completely forgotten Theo has asked me to look at some photos for him, such is the shocking revelation that Tiggy is duping Calvin into thinking she is bloody Princess Diana. Is there no limit to her monstrosity?

‘Super-imposed,’ I reply to Theo.

And then I realise, that’s not the right answer. Theo hasn’t asked me to comment upon Tiggy’s new album, he’s… I have no idea. My page is frozen on the image of Tiggy’s lies and I’ve not checked my e-mails.

‘Ha!’ Theo exclaims
before I can correct my mistake. ‘I thought so! You are a
genius
, Geli Voyante! This is going to be a front page scoop.’

Bugger.
I have no idea what he is on about (as per usual) – I guess I’ll have to check the front page tomorrow – but I do know I’m 100% correct regarding Tiggy. I dread to think what I’m “right” about that’s got Theo so excited though. Ah well, it’s not as if my answer could cause World War III... could it?