Gate Deadlock (24 page)

‘Now you’re scaring me mum.’ I tried to smile.
My only fear was that I would be stuck in the wheel chair, unable
to start over, unable to look for him.

My heat pounded. ‘Does it have to do with
my…recovery? They told me that in time I will be able to…walk
again, right?’

‘This is true, although it mostly depends on
you, on the effort you will make to be back on your feet. And your
physiotherapist says you have been amazing so far. But that is not
what I want to talk to you about. You see, that night, at the
crash, you were so badly hurt that the doctors had to …’ she
inhaled deeply, ‘Honey, did you know that, at the time of the
crash, you were …pregnant?’

No, not that, please
God, no!
I thought. ‘What?’ I asked her, my eyes wide
in horror.

‘I’m sorry sweetheart.’ She took my hand in
hers. ‘Sweetie, there have been some…complications. Your injuries
were too deep. There was too much bleeding…You may have… problems
in the future.’

I blinked, considering what she was trying to
say. ‘You mean I will not be able to have…children? Is that what
you mean?’ I asked, my voice distorted from anguish.

‘It will not be impossible, just very
difficult.’ she admitted in an unsteady voice.

‘Besides, there are so many ways to have a child
today. Science has gone very far in this field. Doctor Matis will
talk to you about it tomorrow, so I thought you should be
prepared.’

She stroked my face. What she saw on it made her
hug me tenderly. ‘You will get over this. You have to.’ she
whispered trying to comfort me, but there was nothing that could
ease that new, unexpected pain.

So, I had been carrying his baby, Christopher’s
baby, and I had finally lost it! After the first shock I realized I
was frozen; I could not breathe, I could not cry anymore, probably
because the drugs had served their purpose. I felt so empty, so
totally useless. With broken spirit, I put my hand on my abdomen
and felt the gauge covering the stitches of the last surgery. I
tried to imagine the new life that had tried to grow, despite all
the insurmountable obstacles, in my now empty womb.

‘The grandfather’s paradox.’ I whispered, with a
bitter smile.

‘What are you talking about honey?’ My mother
asked, alarmed.

I shook my head. It all made sense now. How
could I bring to the world a baby I had with someone who did not
exist, who was not even born in this world? Nature had found the
way to work this out.

Strange thoughts filled my mind. How did I
become pregnant in the first place? Christopher’s obsession with my
safety had him insist on using protection every time we made love.
It was so ironic! I felt like someone was playing a sick game with
me. Like I was acting in some sort of a puppet theatre and an evil
brain was pulling the strings. My initial disappointment about my
possibly amputated feminism began to fade away. If I could not have
Christopher’s baby, I would never want a child anyway.

‘This man you were involved with.’ my mum said,
casting a glance at the photo that Kate had put in a bronze frame.
‘Daugh tried to find him, you know. But he has …disappeared.’

‘I know.’ She looked at me confused.

‘There’s a house. It’s yours. Did you buy it
with the sum granted as recompense by the University?’

‘Something like that.’

‘What do you want to do with it darling?’

‘I haven’t thought about it yet.’ I did not want
to talk anymore. I wanted to be alone and mourn for my lost love,
my lost baby, my lost life. The absurdity of the situation had worn
me out. But I could not cry, I could not even think clearly. Damn
drugs! I just sat there, frozen, expressionless, suppressing a
sorrow that seemed to have curled in the form of a tangle deep in
my chest, blocking my breath.

‘Honey, I want you to know that I understand
exactly how it feels. I have been there, you know I have.’

‘Mum, please don’t do that!’ I pleaded, as I saw
the tears that had started to moist her eyes.

‘No, I need to say this. I know you’re mourning
and it’s the right thing to do, for now. But try not to stay in
this for too long. I’ve seen what it does and I am terrified at the
thought that you may go through the madness I’ve suffered. I’ll be
with you all along. I wish I had done this before, before it had
gone too far.’

‘It wouldn’t have changed anything.’ I said in a
sullen voice, closing my eyes, as I did not want her to read the
indescribable sorrow in them.

‘What I mean is you should focus on yourself
now. You’re so young, there’s a whole life out there waiting for
you. You have your studies, your career, your friends, and, if he
really loves you, he will come back.’

‘What if he just can’t? If he wants to but … he
has to stay away?’

She looked at me, mystified. There were so many
things I could not explain to her, like my sudden decision to give
up my dad’s project. Then she raised her head and looked towards
the window, focusing on the darkness, as if she saw something in it
that gave her the strength to go on in a stiff voice.

‘Then, you simply try to live with this. And
when you are ready, you move on.’

I took the bronze framed photo in my hands. His
face was smiling to me. Was he smiling now? I wondered. I had to
hold on to this thought, I would have to find him, see his smile
again. I knew he needed me. Time was not on my side for once more,
but I could wait, I could be patient. I knew that sooner or later
we would be even, time and me.

We did not say anything else that night. She
stayed next to me until I was asleep.

Next morning I had the most unexpected visit.
Colin’s face popped out at the opening of the door, seeming rather
circumspect about coming in, probably measuring my reaction.

‘Come in Colin.’ I told him impatiently. He
seemed relieved by the tone of my voice. Our last encounter still
felt fresh in my memory and I guessed he felt the same. But I had
thought it over, deciding it was time to settle things once and for
all.

He came to sit next to me and leaned over me to
kiss my cheek. I was happy to see him. Lying on this bed for so
long, I had plenty of time to reconsider my relationship with
certain people like Daugh, Colin, and Don. It is true that a near
death experience changes your whole life perspective, so I was no
longer angry with them as I could see no point in bearing a grudge
against them anymore. The last two both had their reasons for not
speaking favorably of my relationship with Christopher, but I could
not blame them for my aspirations finally coming to grief.

‘How are you doing?’ he asked examining my
face.

‘I’m much better now. You should have seen me a
couple of weeks ago.’ I tried to joke.

‘I know. Your mother asked us not to come
when you were still…Well, I hear you’re coming back in a few
days
.’

‘Yes. You shouldn’t have got into so much
trouble flying here.’

‘I wanted to help your mother with this whole
transfer situation. I wish I could have done more.’

‘You know my mum. She gets really lonesome when
she suffers. I’m surprised she’s managed to get on with Kate for so
long.’ He looked pleased at my remark, without hiding his dislike
for Kate.

He was sitting with his elbows on his knees,
leaning slightly forward, his fingers tangled. Suddenly, he seemed
very absorbed in them.

‘You know, I really feel very bad about that
night. I don’t know what got into me. I am really sorry. Will you
please forgive me?’

‘I’ve already forgotten that night Colin.’ That
was not exactly true, I had only forgotten the part that involved
him.

‘Emma, I know I’ve treated you badly. I’ve done
things I’m not proud of. The thought that something… might have
happened to you… before I had the chance to apologize…just…drove me
crazy. Please, let me be your friend again. I’m not asking for
anything more…if that’s what you want.’

I sighed, but part of me was quite relieved,
thinking that I should make things clear between us.

‘Colin, you are my friend. You are an important
part of my life but…that’s just about that.’ His face stiffened at
my last words. He glanced at the photo on my bedside table.

‘So, Tony says you broke up with that guy.’ He
waited for my reaction but I did not say anything, so he went on.
‘Said, he left?’

So he was not going to drop this.

‘Yeah, he had to leave.’ This was not a lie,
just not the whole truth.

‘Any chance of… relapsing?’ he asked in a bitter
manner.

Good as my intention had been towards him, he
had started to irritate me. I cast him a warning look. ‘It’s
possible.’

‘Well, can I be honest, or you’ll be mad at
me?’

‘Let it out.’ I replied wearily. Did we really
have to get into this?

‘He was no good for you, Emma. He seemed…too
serious about you.’

I looked at him, bemused. He had been well
informed. ‘And you think that was bad because…?

‘It’s not necessarily bad. It’s just that you
are not in that place yet, are you? I mean, you have plans, your
studies, and your career. Do you think a serious relationship is
what you need at this point of your life? ’ He noticed my abashed
face and went on. ‘I know I’ve made mistakes but…what you and I had
was different. We were in the same place, I mean. We still
are.’

‘I guess this weird mindset of yours justifies
your cheating on me?’

‘I’d never do this to you again, I swear.’

‘I thought you said just friends.’

‘I did, only if that’s what you want.’

‘It is.’ I replied in a sullen manner. I lay
back closing my eyes and inhaled deeply.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, apparently
concerned.

‘I’m just…tired.’ He stood up instantly.

‘I’ll let you rest then. Can I come
tomorrow?’

‘Suit yourself.’ I said, my eyes still closed. I
felt him kiss my forehead.

When I opened my eyes he was walking to the door
but then the door opened and he came face to face with Kate. She
glowered at him with slotted eyes and her voice was sarcastic when
she said

‘That’s a surprise! What brings you here
Colin?’

‘Good morning Kate.’ he said, ignoring her
challenging manner
.

‘Why so fast? Is there a girlfriend waiting for
you downstairs or did you find the courage to come on your
own?’

I pressed my lips tightly to hold back laughter,
not only because it would irritate Colin but mostly because it
would make my stitches ache. Colin cast her an angry look before he
left.

‘Have I missed something?’ I asked her as soon
as we were alone.

‘We had a nice chat on the phone the other day.
What’s he doing here anyway?’

‘He wanted to apologize.’

‘Oh! That’s a first!’

‘And, he wants to help.’

‘We don’t need any help, didn’t you tell him?
Here. I’ve brought you your favorite cookies. You need some extra
calories.’ She put a paper box of chocolate chip cookies in front
of me, the ones Christopher had offered me a few weeks ago. The
image flashed in my mind for a fraction of a second.

‘You were really mellow to him. I thought you
would be angry.’

‘I’ve thought it over. One of the benefits of
spending too long lying on a bed is thinking too much. I feel the
same about Don too.’

‘Don? Did I mention he has called many times but
insisted on not bothering you?

‘I know. Mum told me. I’ll see him in London.’
What I had to tell Don could not be said over the phone.

Kate put another biscuit in her mouth before she
said casually. ‘We took care of the house yesterday.’ I knew she
was talking about Christopher’s house, which now belonged to me.
She had it cleaned and locked up. I wondered when I would be ready
to go there again, if I would ever be ready. I would probably never
be able to stay there without him. The pain would be
unbearable.

Harry had bought Susan’s house and he had
already moved in with Bessie. He had accepted a job offer by the
University of Corinth and had decided to stay in Greece. He and
Bessie had offered to take care of Christopher’s house for me.

Kate had been the first to go there after that
dreadful night. It turned out that Susan had followed me and had
got to me first after the crash. She had called the ambulance and
escorted me to hospital. She had stayed there until she was able to
contact Kate and Harry. Then, she gave Kate the house keys and
disappeared simply saying ‘I’m sorry.’

When Kate got to the house, a week later,
everything that belonged to Christopher was gone, his clothes, his
books, his Cds, his computer. That had not surprised me at all. I
knew how the League worked. They would leave no clues.

I thought of the rest of the things I had to
take care of before leaving. My mum and Kate had made all the
necessary arrangements for me, but there was still something I
wanted to make sure of. I took my cell phone and called Yannis. A
female voice answered his phone in Greek.

‘Parakalo?’

‘Good morning, Can I talk to Yannis please?’

‘Yannis?’ She sounded surprised.

‘Yes, tell him it’s Emma.’ I said, hoping she
could speak English.

‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice lowered as if she was
about to confide something to me.

‘
I’m afraid ...Yannis
is…dead.’

I felt my body stiffen from shock. It took me a
few seconds before I could speak again. ‘Did you say… dead?’

‘Yes, I’m really sorry.’

‘When did it happen?’

‘Last week.’

‘But …how?’

‘He was …stubbed by some burglars who broke into
his apartment. There was a fight and… they killed him.’ she said in
the same low voice.

‘Oh my God! Do they know who did it?’

‘No, not yet. I can give you Mr. Terzis. He has
taken over all of Yannis’ cases.’