Galahad at Blandings (26 page)

‘What!’

‘Yes,
sir. I have no information as to how it occurred.’

‘I can
fill you in. His one aim in life is to let the Empress out of her sty, and he must
have sneaked off to do it, little knowing that she had a bad hangover and was
spoiling for a fight with someone. She went on a bender yesterday.’

‘Indeed,
Mr Galahad? I was not aware.

‘Yes,
she mopped the stuff up like a vacuum cleaner and today is paying the price.
One pictures the scene. Huxley steals up and no doubt chirrups. The Empress
winces. He continues to chirrup. She approaches the gate, cursing under her
breath. He puts his finger in to raise the latch, and she lets him have it. I
don’t blame her, do you?’

‘No,
sir.’

‘You
take the broadminded view? You feel, as I do, that he was asking for it and
deserved everything that was coming to him? I thought you would. Best possible
thing that could have happened, in my opinion. It will teach him a lesson. I
shouldn’t wonder if this didn’t prove a turning point in his life, and if anybody’s
life needs all the turning points it can get, it’s his. The occasion, as I see
it, is one for sober rejoicing. But I mustn’t stay here chatting with you, much
as I enjoy it. I have a business appointment. You don’t happen to know if the
constables found Mr Whipple, do you?’

‘No,
sir. The officers have not yet returned.’

‘Well,
give them my love when they do. Charming chaps, charming chaps,’ said Gally.

He
resumed his progress to the study. Opening the door, he halted on the
threshold, staring, a startled ‘Lord love a duck!’ on his lips.

II

The sight that met his
monocle was one well calculated to cause alarm and concern. Something had
plainly occurred to upset the even tenor of his elder brother’s life. Roget,
searching in his Thesaurus for adjectives to describe Lord Emsworth as he
drooped bonelessly in his chair, would probably have settled for stunned,
flustered, disturbed, unnerved and disconcerted. Gally, who had a feeling
heart, was disconcerted himself as he saw him, though, looking on the bright
side, as was his habit, he felt that whatever had happened must have done his
adrenal glands a world of good.

‘Strike
me pink, Clarence,’ he exclaimed, ‘what’s bitten you?’

Lord
Emsworth, though stunned, flustered and disturbed, was able to see that he was
under a misapprehension.

‘It was
not I who was bitten, Galahad, it was Daphne Wink-worth’s son, I keep
forgetting his name.

‘Yes,
so Beach was telling me. But I’m surprised that you’re taking it so hard. I
should have thought you’d feel it was just retribution and the wages of sin and
all that.’

‘Oh, I
do. Yes, quite.’

‘Then
why are you looking like the wreck of the
Hesperus?’

Gally’s
sympathetic attitude was helping Lord Emsworth to become calmer. A kindly
brother in whom one can confide always works wonders on these occasions.

‘Galahad,’
he said, ‘I have just been through a most painful experience.’

‘Don’t
you mean Huxley has?’

‘It has
left me shaken. Have you ever been face to face in a small room with an angry
woman?’

‘Dozens
of times in my younger days. One of them spiked me in the leg with a hatpin.
Yours didn’t do that to you, did she?’

‘Eh? Oh,
no.’

‘Then
you’re that much ahead of the game. Who was your angry woman? It couldn’t have
been Hermione, for I happen to know that she is occupied elsewhere, so I take
it it was the divine Winkworth. Am I right?’

‘Yes,
she burst in on me with the news about her son’s finger, and do you know what
she said? You will scarcely credit this, but she said the Empress was a savage
and dangerous animal and must be destroyed. The Empress!’

‘Gadzooks!
Didn’t you explain to her that the poor soul had a morning head?’

‘I was
too flabbergasted. I stared at her for quite a while, unable to speak. Then I
fear I was rather rude.’

‘Excellent.
What did you say?’

‘I’m
afraid I told her not to be a fool.’

‘You
couldn’t have done better. And then?’

A
violent argument followed, in the course of which I became still ruder. In the
end she said she would not stay another day in the castle and flounced off.’

‘What-ed
off? Oh, flounced? I see what you mean.

‘I
think what caused her particular annoyance was that while we were talking I
telephoned the vet to ask if there was any danger of infection to the Empress.’

A very
sensible precaution.’

‘It
appeared to infuriate her. We both became very heated. I ought to have shown
more restraint. I shouldn’t have offended Daphne.’

‘Why
not? It was the consummation devoutly to be wished. Dash it, Clarence, you were
in deadly peril from this woman. Already she had told you she was interested in
pigs, and from there to getting you to the altar rails would have been but a
step. Your attitude seems to me to have been exactly right. If poor Puffy
Benger had had your courage and resolution, he wouldn’t today be the father of
a son with adenoids and two daughters with braces on their teeth. You have
removed the Winkworth from your life. The shadow has passed. You have won
through to safety.’

‘Bless
my soul, I never thought of that.’

‘If you
feel like doing the dance of the seven veils all over the castle, I shall have
no objection. But you still have a careworn look. Why is that?’

‘I was
thinking of Hermione.’

‘What
about Hermione?’

‘She
will have something to say, I fear.’

‘Well,
when she says it, show the same splendid firmness you did in dealing with Ma
Winkworth. Who’s Hermione? A woman you have frequently seen spanked by a Nanny
with a hairbrush. If she starts getting tough, remind her of that and watch her
wilt. A fig for Hermione, if I may use the expression. Her views on the matter
in hand don’t amount to a hill of beans.’

Lord
Emsworth’s mild eyes glowed.

‘You’re
great comfort, Galahad.’

‘I try
to be, Clarence, I try to be.’

Lord
Emsworth fell into a meditative silence, but Gally’s assumption that he was
thinking of his sister and inwardly rehearsing things to say to her — probably
out of the side of his mouth — was incorrect. When he spoke, it was of the
Empress.

‘What I
cannot understand, Galahad, is how that boy was allowed to approach the sty.
Miss Simmons positively assured us that she would be on the alert to see that
he didn’t. If I remember, she said in so many words that she would rub his face
in the mud if he attempted to come near the Empress.’

Gally
saw that the time had arrived to tell all.

‘I’m
afraid I have some bad news for you, Clarence. Miss Simmons is no longer with
us. She’s gone to London to get married.’

‘What!’

‘Yes,
she’s marrying Wilfred Allsop. You’re losing a pig girl but gaining a niece.’

Lord
Emsworth’s eyes, no longer mild, shot fire through his pince-nez.

‘She
had no right to do such a thing!’

‘Well,
you know, love conquers all, or so I read somewhere. I suppose she couldn’t
resist the urge.

‘But
who will look after the Empress?’

He had
brought the conversation round to the exact point which Gally desired.

‘Why,
who but Augustus Whipple?’ he said. ‘I’m sure he will be delighted to act as
understudy till you can fill the part elsewhere.’

Lord
Emsworth blessed his soul.

‘But,
Galahad, do you think he would?’

‘Of
course he will. There are no limits to what Gus Whipple will do to oblige
people he’s fond of, and I know he feels that you and he have started a
beautiful friendship. He will have to return to London shortly, but while he’s
still here you can rely on him. A nice chap, don’t you think?’

‘Capital,
capital. Quite. But why should he have to return to London?’

Gally
glanced over his shoulder. The study door was closed. He could not be
overheard.

‘This
is all very hush-hush, Clarence.

‘What
is?’

‘What I
am about to tell you. Whipple has got to go to London to try to raise some
money. I know you will let this go no farther, but the poor fellow’s heavily in
debt, and what makes it worse is that the debt is one of honour. He got into a
poker game at the Athenaeum the other night, and you don’t need me to tell you
what that means at a place like the Athenaeum, where they play for high stakes.
Many a bishop there has come away without his apron and gaiters after an
all-night session. Whipple lost his shirt. He gave IOUs to half a dozen of the
members, and if he welshes on them, they’ll kick him out of the club without a
pang of pity.’

Lord
Emsworth’s pince-nez were bobbing at the end of their string like adagio
dancers.

‘You
shock me, Galahad! How much does he need?’

A
thousand pounds. What you would consider a mere trifle, but to him a colossal
sum. Let us hope he will succeed in borrowing it somewhere.’

‘But,
Galahad! Why didn’t he tell me?’

‘Why
you?’ Gally paused, astounded by a bizarre thought that had come to him. He
looked at Lord Emsworth incredulously. ‘You don’t mean you would lend him the
money?’

‘Of
course I will. The man who wrote
On The Care Of The Pig!
I’ll write a
cheque immediately.’

Gally’s
face lit up. He rose from his chair, patted his brother twice on the shoulder
and sat down again, plainly overcome.

‘Well,
that would certainly be the ideal way of putting everything right. It never
occurred to me to think of you. But there’s just one thing. You had better make
the cheque payable to me. Whipple is a very proud man and though I know he’s
extremely fond of you, you are after all a comparative stranger to him. He
might refuse to accept money from you, but if an old friend like me offered it
to him, that would be different. You see what I mean?’

‘Quite,
quite. Very considerate of you to think of it. Now where is my cheque book? It
should be somewhere, if Miss Callender hasn’t hidden it with her infernal
tidying—’

He
broke off. Lady Hermione was entering the study.

III

Lady Hermione, like her
brother Clarence, was looking stunned, flustered, disturbed, unnerved and
disconcerted, so much so that Roget, had he been present, would have got the
impression that these things run in families. Her face had taken on a purple
tinge and her stocky body seemed to vibrate. Gally, who was given to homely
similes, thought she was madder than a wet hen, and he was right. Only an
exceptionally emotional hen when unusually moist could have exhibited an equal
annoyance.

It was
Lord Emsworth whom she had come to see, but it was to Gally that she first
addressed herself.

‘How
dare you lock me in the library, Galahad?’

Gally
started.

‘Good
heavens! Did I?’

‘I
might have been there still, if Beach had not heard me calling and let me out.’

‘You’re
sure it wasn’t Beach who locked you in? He has a very subtle sense of humour.’

‘Quite
sure. I happened to try the door just after you had left, and it wouldn’t
open.’

‘Probably
just sticking.’

‘It was
not.’

‘Doors
do.’

‘This
one didn’t. It was locked.’

‘Then,’
said Gally, generously accepting the blame, ‘I’m afraid it must have been me,
but if I did it it was purely inadvertently. You know how you turn keys
absent-mindedly. I’m terribly sorry.

‘Bah!’
said Lady Hermione.

Lord
Emsworth had been listening to these exchanges with growing impatience. Though
there was no actual written rule to that effect, it was an understood thing
that his study was a sanctuary into which the most thrustful sister must not
penetrate. Sisters who wished to confer with him were supposed to do it in the
library or the amber drawing-room or somewhere out in the grounds. It was the
one flicker of spirit the downtrodden peer had ever been known to show. So now
he intervened in the debate with something which if not truculence was very
near it.

‘Hermione!’

‘Well?’

‘I am
having an important talk with Galahad.’

‘And I
am going to have an important talk with you. I have just seen Daphne. She is
furious. She says you were very rude to her.’

Lord
Emsworth was now definitely truculent. The mere mention of that name plumbed
hidden depths in him and sent his blood pressure soaring into the higher
brackets.