Gabrielle (20 page)

“I really need to talk to Dylan, but he's not answering his phone. Can you tell me where he lives?”

His gruff expression softened. “You really like him, don't you?”

I was caught off guard by the question, by how sensitively it was asked.

I nodded. “Yes. Very much.”

So much that I couldn't stand the thought of what I'd done with Bradley. So much that I hated myself for kissing another guy...and enjoying it. So much that I knew I had to come completely clean with Dylan tonight. Right this second, before things with Bradley could go any further.

“He's not at home. He's not here either.”

I frowned. “He's not?”

“They had to go away for a little while. Wait here a second.”

Oh no. The only reason Dylan and his mom would have to go away was if they were in trouble again, right? I knew his dad had been trying to come back into their lives, but when Dylan didn't say anything else about it recently, I'd figured he'd been dealt with. That the police had done whatever police did with abusive stalkers.

But wasn't it the truth that he'd just blown me off whenever I tried to ask him about it, if everything was okay?

And wasn't it also the truth that I hadn't exactly pushed him to tell me more?

Just like he hadn't pushed me to talk about my own problems.

Both of us had been happier pretending nothing was wrong. But if we'd really cared about each other, wouldn't we have tried harder to help each other?

Finally, I had to ask myself the big question that I'd been going out of my way to avoid: Had I been forcing things from the start because I'd wanted so badly to be with Dylan? Had I been wrong to try and make the two of us fit together? Was someone like Bradley, someone with his background, a better fit for me?

The man came back in the room. “He left this. For you.”

It was a legal sized envelope with my name and address on it.

I felt like crying and the man must have realized it because he said, “Let me know when you're ready to leave and I'll let you out.”

He disappeared, leaving me alone in the front room. I sat down on the nearest chair and stared at the envelope for a few moments, before sliding my finger under the flap and ripping it open.

He'd written me a letter and I pulled it out, my hands shaking.

Gabi,

I wish I could have told you I was going. They won't let me. They won't let us tell anyone.

Just in case.

But I couldn't just go like I have before. Not after the way things have been with us.

We didn't talk about it, but I know things were still weird after we practiced your songs
today. They were great songs, by the way. I wish I could have heard the lyrics, but I could almost
hear them, you know? In the melody. They were there, Gabi.

But what I really want to say is that I'm sorry. For everything I've done. For the way I
acted at the coffee shop. For everything I've said to you about your mom and grandma.

I shouldn't have said any of that. I should have only said one thing.

I love you.

You're the only girl who has ever really meant anything to me. You're the only girl who
has ever cared about me.

Wait for me to come back. Give me a chance to not fuck this up.

I can't tell you when I'll be able to come back. I don't even know where I'll be coming
from. But knowing you're there waiting for me—at least, that you might be there—will be the
only thing helping me keep it together.

Love,

Dylan

The words were blurring behind my tears and my hands were shaking hard enough that I dropped the envelope on the ground.

Two concert tickets fell out. They were the tickets to the Metallica concert.

I bent down to pick up the tickets and put them back in the envelope. As I was folding his letter up, I realized Dylan had written a PS on the back.

Maybe Missy could go with you to the concert?

He'd wanted me to go, but he'd clearly been worried about me taking Bradley with me as my guest, so he'd added in that note about Missy.

The bouncer guy came back in the room and I stood up.

“Thanks for giving me the letter.”

I tucked the letter and tickets into the inside pocket of my coat. I was trying to act like I hadn't just been sitting there crying. What did I have to cry about compared to the kids that were coming into this place every day?

“Can I give you my phone number just in case you hear anything from Dylan?”

The man just shook his head. “Can't do that.” I could tell he felt bad about it as he added,

“You gonna get home all right?”

I had to swallow past the huge lump in my throat. “I'll be fine.”

At least I hoped I would be.

One day.

* * *

Before I could go home, I had one more late-night visit to make.

I knew where Bradley lived. He'd told me several times. I knew he'd hoped for this visit long before now.

He just hadn't hoped for it under these circumstances.

Hoping he had his cell nearby, knowing this would be a seriously awkward way to meet his parents or see his sisters again, I texted him.

I'm outside.

I couldn't believe how fast he came out.

“Gabrielle.”

I could see that he wanted to put his arms around me. And I wanted it, too. Which was why I made it a point of taking a step back just as he approached.

“Weren't you sleeping?”

He stopped a foot in front of me, shoving his outstretched hands into his pockets. “I couldn't sleep.”

“Me either. I went to see Dylan,” I told him.

His eyes flashed with something that could have been disappointment...or jealousy.

“How'd that go?”

“It's not fair for you to be angry,” I told him. “You knew all along that I was with him.”

“Then why are you here now?”

He'd never been like this before today. He'd always accepted his role in my life, as a friend who might have been so much more if circumstances were different. Which they weren't.

“He's gone, Bradley.”

He raised his eyebrows in question. “You dumped him tonight?'

I shook my head. “He and his mom had to leave town for a while. It's a long story.”

I didn't think Dylan would appreciate me telling his competition about his family's problems, so I left it at that.

“Bradley, can we remain friends?”

I could see his eyes darken even further in the shine of the streetlights.

“Is this your decision, Gabrielle?”

“I don't know what to think right now.”

I'd never been anything but honest with him. I wouldn't change that now. It would kill me to have to lie to him, to the one person I'd never had to lie to during all of this craziness.

“I just can't decide anything for a while.” At least not until Dylan came back. And not until I'd figured out if the curse was real. “But I can't stand the thought of losing you.”

He moved closer and this time, I let him reach out and stroke his fingers over the tendrils of hair that were lying across my collarbones.

“I don't want to lose you either, Gabrielle.”

I couldn't hold back a breath of relief, my breath a puff of white between us in the cold darkness.

He said, “Of course we're still friends,” and I was halfway to a smile when he added,

“For now.”

I felt the weight of those two words, of the expectation—the hope—in them all the way into the center of my heart.

I knew what he was saying: He wanted more. He was going to give me some space from the idea of starting a relationship with him. But he wasn't dropping it for good.

And the complicated truth was that I didn't want him to.

The next thing I knew, his mouth was a breath away from mine and it would have been so easy to close my eyes for his kiss.

Instead, I forced myself to tell him, “Friends don't kiss.”

For a moment, I wasn't sure he heard my whispered words. And then, his arms were around me and he was holding me.

And I was holding him right back.

I saw the front light on from down the block. My grandmother was awake.

Why hadn't she called? Hadn't she been worried about me?

I rushed into the house, finding her knitting in her chair in the living room.

“I'm so sorry,
Grandmaman
! I wouldn't have gone if I didn't have to.”

She put down her knitting, reaching her hands out to me. I went to my knees and put my arms around her waist while she stroked my hair and shoulders as if I were a little girl again.

“Do you not think I understand,
ma petite
?”

I lifted my head in confusion, and she brushed the hair away from my cheeks.

“These past weeks, you have had much to deal with. Too much for one so young. You are dealing with it admirably,
ma petite
.”

I shook my head. “I'm not. I'm a mess.”

She tucked her finger under my chin, forced me to meet her gaze.

“You are exquisite. Precious. And loved. Always loved.”

There they were again, those tears that just wouldn't stop coming.

“I don't know what to do. Not about any of it.” Finally, the words that I'd been holding back from her—and myself—came spilling out. “It's like I'm living in three totally separate worlds. Being at school, being at home with you, those both feel normal. They're both what I'm used to. And then there's Dylan.”

I hesitated then, knowing how my grandmother felt about him.

“Go on,
ma petite
.”

“He's a part of the normal world, too,” I told her, “but his world is so dark. His father abused his mother and they've been on the run from him for a while. It's why they came to New York City. And tonight, when I went looking for him because I needed to talk with him, he was gone again. They're in hiding. But he left me a letter and told me he loves me. He asked me to wait for him.”

I expected my grandmother to ask me more about Dylan, but instead she said, “You said you feel caught between three worlds. What is the third world?”

In a flash, I remembered the kiss from earlier today...and the almost-kiss from just a little while ago.

“Bradley. He's so nice and sweet and we just fit together so well. But—” I hated feeling like I was putting down my grandmother as I said, “—he's a part of a shadow world I don't want anything to do with.” Before my grandmother could respond, I had to get it all out. “I don't know which one I want. Or if I should choose neither. Even if I wanted to choose Dylan, I don't know where he is. Or when he's coming back. And I've been depending on Bradley so much. I can't stand the thought of losing him, either. I've tried to figure it out, but I can't. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel.” I squeezed her hands. “I hate that you think there's this curse that could hurt me and you're so worried about me and what I'm going to decide.”

“You are right,
ma petite
. There are many things you are going to have to do over the next months,” she said, with a deep note of premonition in her voice. “I have worried about you every second of every day since you were born.” She gave me a small smile. “But I have always trusted you to make good decisions. I have always trusted you to do what you think is right, regardless of what anyone else is saying you need to do.” She paused. “Including me.”

* * *

I kissed my grandmother on the cheek before she went upstairs to sleep for a few more hours before morning. But I already knew I wouldn't be sleeping.

I opened my bedroom window and let the cold air come inside, as if it could somehow help clear my head.

That was when I felt the first snowflake.

It wasn't supposed to snow yet.

But it was.

I wasn't supposed to feel so much for two different guys.

But I did.

Courtesans weren't supposed to exist anymore.

But now I knew better: They did.

And as the snowflakes blew in through my window, the beginnings of one final song blew through me, too.

I was done with pep talks for the time being. I was done with trying to convince myself that I was in control.

Because I definitely wasn't in control of anything at all.

Every step I take is falling

Every thought I have is coming

Faster than it used to

Every word I heard you saying

Every look you were conveying

Hurts as much as it could do

There is nothing more that I can do

Even when I try it all falls through

There is nothing more

No matter how much I adore you

Now everything is not so simple

Everyone just thinks that they can

Tell a lie if they choose

Every time I reconsider

With every breath I take I shiver

Whispering how I love you

There is nothing more that I can do

Every when I try it all falls through

There is nothing more

No matter how much I adore you

Falling

Coming

There is nothing more that I can do

Even when I try it all falls through

There is nothing more

No matter how much I adore you

With every step I curse the winter

Every snowflake melts so much

Faster than you

Ever will

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyvb3kHBn4s

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/every-step/id427761572