Fuzzy Logic (32 page)

A tear slid down her cheek. She looked up at the ceiling. “I knew this would be awful. I should never have let you talk me into letting you stay here. I knew I’d never want you to leave and that’s exactly what’s happened.”

“Maybe you could come down and visit for a weekend again.”

Jan sighed and rested her head on his shoulder again. “No. That’s not what I mean. I told you I don’t want to be just a fling or the weekend girlfriend. I love you. I want to be with you all the time.”

Michael didn’t say anything and Jan raised her head again to look at his face. She couldn’t read the look in his eyes, but if she were to guess, she’d say it was alarm. “I knew I shouldn’t have said that. But it’s the way I feel. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’m sorry. I really should go.” He moved to pick up his suitcase.

Released from his embrace, Jan was suddenly cold. She crossed her arms across her chest. She watched as he loaded Swoosie’s crate and then Swoosie into the car. He stood in front of her in the doorway. “Do you want me to call you?”

“It’s a long drive. I’d like to know you made it home okay.”

Michael turned to walk to the car and Jan moved to swing the door closed. She stopped and leaned on the edge, not wanting to close off her last glimpse of him. Suddenly, he turned around and walked back to face her. Cupping her face in both of his hands, he kissed her and then looked into her eyes. “You told me you were worried about a long-distance relationship. What if you moved to San Diego? Then we could see if things would work out.”

Jan shook her head. “Don’t you think I’ve thought of that? I’m not leaving here. Do you know how hard it is to get a job as a librarian? For years, the number of applicants has vastly outnumbered the available jobs. When I got my MLS degree, the only place I could find any job as a librarian was here in Alpine Grove. Then add in the fact that you’re talking about finding a job in San Diego. The weather is good and the job market has historically been extremely tight. Apart from all that, I love my job and I love living in a small town. San Diego is a nice place to visit, but I’m not sure I’d ever want to live there again. I enjoy my life here. Maybe you find it boring, but it’s my home.”

Michael held her hands in his. “No, I never said it was boring here. But my job is in San Diego. And my home is there. You’re not being very flexible. Maybe your mom was right. I mean, couldn’t you do something else other than be a librarian?”

“Maybe. But I don’t want to. I have a degree and I like what I do. What are you suggesting? Maybe I should take up surfing and sell bikinis on the Pacific Beach boardwalk or something? Have you considered giving up your job? You’d probably get more sleep, if nothing else. If you keep working long hours like you have, it will destroy your health. There’s more to life than advertising.”

He dropped her hands. “You know I can’t do that. Advertising is what I do. I love it. And I’m perfectly fine. I run all the time.”

Jan reached up to caress his cheek, “You spend two days away from work and it’s like you’re a different person. Relaxed. Happier. I really wish you could see the difference. Just please stay healthy. Even if I don’t see you again, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Michael took her hand and kissed her palm. “I really have to go. I’ll call you when I get back to San Diego.”

As Jan watched him walk back to the car and drive away, tears streamed down her face. He was gone.

As Jan had predicted, after Michael left she cried. A lot. At this point, she was totally cried out and she had eaten more ice cream than was probably good for any human being to ingest. Michael had left a message saying he’d made it home, but hadn’t called again. The unending lure of work probably made him forget she existed. Again. Jan heard from her mother that he was in fact still in San Diego, but Angie hadn’t seen him since he’d been back and neither had Bruce.

After a week, missing Michael had become more of a constant dull ache, rather than searing pain, and Jan was getting back into the normal routine of her life. Kat invited her and Rosa to attend another Wine and Whine with Maria, and Jan vented about the confusing nature of men. She definitely did not consume any wine, however. Getting out and seeing other people did make her feel slightly better for a little while.

That Friday evening after a long day at the library filled with seriously annoying, ill-behaved children, Jan was settling in on the couch to watch a movie with Rosa. The sound of the dog’s snoring was soothing and Jan was starting to doze off when a knock on her door startled her awake. She jumped up and pulled the curtain aside on the window next to the door. Michael and Swoosie were standing on her doorstep. The pang of surprise in Jan’s chest quickly shifted to general annoyance. Didn’t he
ever
call?

She opened the door and turned to watch as Swoosie zoomed into the house, obviously glad to be out of the car. Rosa jumped off the couch and Swoosie ran over to sniff. She play-bowed and Rosa wagged her tail, looking happy to see the fuzzy white dog again.

Michael walked in and closed the door behind him. Jan turned back to look at him. “What are you...?”

He wrapped her in his arms before she could finish her sentence and covered her mouth with his, kissing her in a way that obliterated all further thought. He released her and leaned his head against hers with a sigh. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”

Jan placed the palms of her hands on his chest and pushed him away from her. “What I was going to say was what are you doing here? And FYI, in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented this little thing called the telephone. I know you know how to use one. You could have called me first.”

“I knew you’d say no if I asked to see you.”

Jan backed away and leaned against the door frame. She watched as Swoosie jumped up on the couch next to Rosa, who had already settled in for another nap. “You’re right. That’s very astute of you. I would have said no.”

Michael reached out and took one of her hands, lacing her fingers with his. “When I drove back to San Diego from here, I had a lot of time to think. I convinced myself you were overreacting and being inflexible.”

Jan pulled her hand away and turned to walk into the kitchen. “That’s nice. And thanks so much. That doesn’t explain why you’re here, though. I’m going to make some tea. Do you want some before you leave?”

Michael reached out for her hand again and turned her around. “If you don’t mind, I’d rather not leave.”

“Are we having this conversation again? Because I don’t think I can stand it. I’m exhausted. Tired of crying. Tired of thinking about you.” She waved her hand toward the refrigerator. “I’m even tired of ice cream. And that’s saying something.”

Michael smiled. “I think I’m not being clear. You were right. I went back to San Diego and I fell into all the same patterns. Working too much. Not sleeping. Even Swoosie was pissed off at me.”

“Your dog does require a lot of attention, you know.”

“Yes. She stole one of my art boards and dragged it out into the hole in the back yard.”

Jan smirked. “I’m glad to hear it’s not just my underwear she’s using for her landscaping projects.”

Michael reached out to touch her cheek. “But the worst part was that I missed you. And being here. Talking with you. Hiking with Swoosie. Hanging out. I’d be sitting there at my dining room table by myself in the middle of the night working on stuff for the vodka guys and find myself staring into space and wondering why.”

“Good question. I can’t say I haven’t wondered why you work such long hours. It’s not healthy.”

“I know.”

Jan moved away, turned on the stove, and put the tea bags into mugs. “Really? It certainly doesn’t seem like it. Did you think of trying something radical like sleeping? Even your dad said he hadn’t heard from you.”

“I didn’t run up to his place with Swoosie last weekend. He called me to make sure I was okay.”

Jan leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. “Apparently you are, since you’re here. Bringing me back to the original question of why.”

“You know me better than just about anyone, except possibly my dad. The night I went to your motel room, I told you about when my mother died. And you know about my—to put it nicely—troubled youth.”

Jan shifted her stance. What was he talking about? “So? I got the impression you never spent much time actually talking to some of your prior dates. That is a downside of flings and one-night stands, you know. But it doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

“If you work all the time, it’s a great excuse. I’ve avoided getting serious with anyone because I didn’t want to lose someone again. It’s bad enough caring about a dog. Getting Swoosie wasn’t my idea. But that’s a whole different story.”

“Yes, I think I was the one who pointed out that I didn’t want to get hurt. And as noted, that didn’t work out very well. I’m completely sick of crying, and I think even Rosa is wondering what is wrong with me. Where are you going with all this?”

Michael stepped closer to her and took a deep breath. “Sitting there in my lonely house, I came to a conclusion. The J. Geils Band was right. Love stinks.”

“What?” Jan shook her head and looked up at the ceiling. “You’re quoting 80s pop bands? Sorry I had to ruin your day with all my whiny feelings. But like I said, I warned you.”

Michael reached out and extracted one of her hands, clasping it in both of his. “No. I mean I love you. Desperately. Stupidly. To distraction. Like every completely sappy love song you’ve ever heard. But it stinks to be in love when the person you love isn’t with you.”

Jan turned to him and looked into his eyes. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

He took her other hand and drew her closer. “I want to be with you. I’ll move here if you still want me to. I like it here. I was happy and I want to feel that way again. With you. Right now my job is a mess, and I don’t care. Even if I keep doing work for the vodka company, they’re in Russia. And a lot of the other people who are trying to get me to work for them again are in New York City. So it doesn’t really matter where I live. My dad is content and settled now with Dave. And after the last week or so, I know for sure that I am not happy when I’m not with you.”

Jan wrapped her arms around his neck, not quite believing what she was hearing. “You’re really serious? What would you do?”

Michael wrapped his arms around her waist. “I’ve thought about that quite a bit.” He paused to kiss her neck. “The way Derek ran the agency was...I think the word you used was toxic. I figured that’s just how advertising was. And I think some part of me was worried about failing. Letting my mother down somehow, particularly since I was such a screw-up in high school.”

Jan shook her head. “I think by anyone’s estimation, you’ve been successful professionally.”

“I suppose. But now that I’ve been away from it, I’ve come to the conclusion that there was no reason work had to be so stressful. I got caught up in the competition because that’s what everyone did in that environment. If I ran my own smaller company, I could take on just a few select clients. I could go back to doing more creative design work, which I enjoyed. And I could learn about all the new software programs. Not to mention, have a life again. Be with you. Go hiking. Take photographs. Go back to working with Swoosie again. I used to train her all the time when she was young. She loved it. I loved it.” He pulled her into his embrace. “But not as much as I love you.”

He gave her a kiss that was intense and all-consuming. As Jan began to melt in his arms, the kiss was interrupted by the sudden sound of the teakettle whistling. Pulling away, she turned to the stove to silence the obnoxious noise. She looked over her shoulder past Michael to the living room, where Swoosie and Rosa were happily sitting on the sofa shredding her book into tiny pieces. She smiled at Michael, “I think Swoosie and Rosa are forming a book club. Maybe you could start on that training program sooner rather than later.”

He gathered her in his arms again. “It’s a deal.”

Chapter 14

A
few days later, Michael and Jan drove toward Kat’s house. Rosa and Swoosie were in the back seat observing the scenery. The Alpine Grove gossip grapevine had gotten word that Michael had returned and Kat had invited them over for a brainstorming session.