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Authors: Koren Zailckas

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In all my scourings of Virginia Satir, it wasn't until the other day that I came across a segment I must have initially missed. It was a passage describing what change would look like. I couldn't help but reflect back on this book when I read that—instead of using facts and language to distance herself from her emotions—a reformed computer learns to put her intelligence to creative use. Nor could I help peeking into the room where my husband was strumming his guitar for our daughter, who was jumping maniacally in her toy bouncer. Both turned and chuckled when they caught sight of me. A changed placater, Satir had also written, “can transform her wish to please others into an ability to be tender and compassionate.”
SOURCES
PROLOGUE
Giving Up the Ghost
3 “A bad girl has never been born”: Virginia Satir and Michele Baldwin,
Satir Step by Step: A Guide to Creating Change in Families
(Palo Alto, Calif.: Science and Behavior Books, 1984), p. 193.
ONE
Incitement
5 “Lost really has two disparate meanings”: Rebecca Solnit,
A Field Guide to Getting Lost
(New York: Penguin, 2006), p. 22.
11 “Anger seems to listen to argument”: Aristotle,
The Nicomachean Ethics
, translated by David Ross (Oxford: Oxford Unversity Press, 2009), p. 128.
13 “The typical episode of anger does not end abruptly”: B. M. Fridhandler and J. R. Averill, “Temporal Dimensions of Anger: An Exploration of Time and Emotion” in J. R. Averill (ed.),
Anger and Aggression
(Berlin and Heidelberg: Springer-Verlag, 1982), p. 204. I originally came upon this quotation in William V. Harris's book
Restraining Rage: The Ideology of Anger Control in Classical Antiquity
.
13 “nice lady syndrome”: Harriet Lerner,
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
(New York: Harper Paperbacks, 2005), pp. 6-7.
14 “ravaged by war and disease, or where there is continuous conflict”: Geshe Kelsang Gyatso,
Introduction to Buddhism
(Glen Spey, N.Y.: Tharpa Publications, 2001), p. 33.
15 “Another powerful method for overcoming anger”: Geshe Kelsang Gyatso,
How to Solve Our Human Problems
(Glen Spey, N.Y.: Tharpa Publications, 2007), p. 62.
TWO
Anger Ignored
17 “The weather today is an increasing trend toward denial.”: Chuck Palahniuk,
Diary: A Novel
(New York: Doubleday, 2003), p. 7.
24 By nightfall, I've express ordered
Homeopathy: An A to Z Home Handbook
: Alan Schmukler,
Homeopathy: An A to Z Home Handbook
(Woodbury, Minn.: Llewellyn Publications, 2006).
25
We aren't shutting you out of the revel: Eros the Bittersweet
(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1986), pp. 18-19.
28 Christianity and Judaism take “a middle position on the subject of anger”: Peter N. and Carol Zisowitz Stearns,
Anger: The Struggle for Emotional Control in America's History
(Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1989), p. 21.
28 “justified anger . . . cruelty, impiety, and wrong”: William Leslie Davidson,
Christian Ethics
(London: A. & C. Black, 1907), p. 80.
28 “A wrathful man stirs up discord”: Proverbs, 15:18.
28 “Most hated to Allah is a person who is fiercely hostile and quarrelsome”: HalalPak, “Anger Management” (
www.halalpak.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=20&Itemid=35
), 2007.
28 “Anger,” the Buddha said, “is a poison”:
About.com
, “The Basics: What the Buddha Taught” (
www.buddhism.about.com/od/basicbuddhistteachings/The_Basics_What_the_Buddha_Taught.htm
).
29 “[A]nger is everyone's”: Geshe Kelsang Gyatso,
How to Solve Our Human Problems
(Glen Spey, N.Y.: Tharpa Publications, 2007), p. 59.
29 “anger is a negative phenomenological feeling state”: Howard Kassinove,
Anger Disorders: Definition, Diagnosis, and Treatment
(Washington, D.C.: Taylor and Francis, 1995), p. 26.
29 “anger is the emotion into which most others tend to pass”: G. Stanley Hall,
The American Journal of Psychology
, v. 26, p. 440.
29 “Often, there is no explicit definition of anger”: Christa Reiser,
Reflections on Anger: Women and Men in a Changing Society
(Westport, Conn.: Praeger, 1999, 2001), p. 25.
29 “deluded mind that focuses on an animate or inanimate object”: Geshe Kelsang Gyatso,
How to Solve Our Human Problems
(Glen Spey, N.Y.: Tharpa Publications, 2007), p. 21.
29 “Tonglen practice helps cultivate fearlessness”: Pema Chodron,
Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion
(Boston: Shambhala, 2008), p. 83.
33 “In fact, men generally feel quite comfortable with anger”: Celia Halas, as quoted in Carol Tavris,
Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1982), pp. 195-96.
33 “I've found that . . . the male is very blocked”: Herb Goldberg,
The Hazards of Being Male: Surviving the Myth of Masculine Privilege
(Bel Air, Calif.: Nash Publishing, 1976), p. 28.
35 “Pollyannish and conventional”: Robert G. Meyer and Sarah E. Deitsch,
The Clinician's Handbook: Integrated Diagnostics, Assessment, and Intervention in Adult and Adolescent Psychopathology
, 4th ed. (New York: Allyn & Bacon, 1995), p. 322.
35 “need to be liked,” “unusual behavior,” “dependent,” “evaluative,” “rejecting,” “impulsive,” “inappropriate,” “poorly integrated”: Terms from Alan F. Friedman, Richard Lewak, David S. Nichols,
Psychological Assessment with the MMPI-2
(Mahwah, N.J.: L. Erlbaum Associates, 2001), pp. 280-81.
36 His response gnawed a hole in my vitals (“A hole is being gnawed in [my] vitals”) Anne Carson,
Eros the Bittersweet
(Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1986), p. 32.
36 snatched the lungs right out of my chest: Ibid.
THREE
Anger Turned Inward
43 “I will wear my heart upon my sleeve”: William Shakespeare,
Othello
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 2004).
44 “When Anglo-Americans are angry”: Carol Tavris,
Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1982), p. 66.
47 The word comes from Ifaluk: Anna Wierzbicka,
Semantics, Culture and Cognition: Universal Human Concepts in Culture-Specific Configurations
(New York: Oxford University Press, 1992), p. 147.
48 Linguists say
song
is less aggressive than anger: Anna Wierzbicka, paraphrasing Catherine Lutz, in Ibid.
50 Virginia Satir thought low self-esteem is contagious in families: Satir and Baldwin, p. 195.
50 “Often [two spouses struggling with low self-esteem] disregard [their] inner feelings”: Ibid.
52 “the person whose poor self-image derives from a past”: Pamela Nori, “Emotional Homeopathy,”
alive
Magazine, Alive.com (
www.alive.com/3712a1a2.php?subject_bread_cramb=81
), 2000.
52 “[most people who need Staphysagria] have a certain mellowness”: Philip M. Bailey, MD,
Homeopathic Psychology: Personality Profiles of the Major Constitutional Remedies
(Berkeley, Calif.: North Atlantic Books, 1995), p. 321.
53 “a smoldering resentment”:
herbs2000.com
, “Staphysagria,”
Herbs2000.com
(
www.herbs2000.com/homeopathy/staphysagria.htm
), 2000-2010.
53 “the commonest cause of the [Staph patient's] resentment”: Bailey, p. 321.
53 “After the remedy is taken”: Bailey, p. 322.
53 “With the right homeopathic remedy”: Randy W. Martin, “Homeopathy and Spirituality: The Hidden and Unspoken Power in Homeopathic Medicine,” Shirley's Wellness Cafe (
www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/homeopathy_randy.htm
), 1996-2010.
56 sensations like “stupef ying headache”: ABC Homeopathy, “Staphysagria,” Influenca Ltd. (
www.abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Staph
), 2001-2009.
57 “the assertion of an ought”: Joseph de Rivera, as found in Tavris,
Anger
, p. 49.
58 “for most of Western history, it has been up to individuals”: Ibid, p. 50.
60 “According to William Vernon Harris,
Anger
is the only book that attempts to chart American attitudes about anger over time”: William V. Harris,
Restraining Rage: The Ideology of Anger Control in Classical Antiquity
(Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 2004), p. 23.
60-61 there was even a Homeric appreciation for anger: Paraphrased from Stearns,
Anger
, p. 27.
62 “choose to be happy rather than right”: Brenda Shoshanna, “How to Stop the Fighting in Your Relationship,”
SearchWarp.com
(
www.searchwarp.com/swa30056.htm
), 2005.
66 “detached,” “noninvested,” “less visible within our family structure”: C. Black, “Effects of Family Alcoholism,” in
Tōkyō-to Seishin Igaku Sōgō Kenkyūjo
(
Alcoholism in the Family
) (Tokyo: Psychiatric Research Institute of Tokyo in collaboration with Brunner Mazel, 1992), p. 275.
67 Satir claims years of playing the distractor: Satir and Baldwin, p. 200.
71 “Human beings seem willing to pay whatever price”: Satir and Baldwin, p. 194.
74 the Lycopodium patient is “saddened in the morning”: ABC Homeopathy, “Lycopodium Clavatum,” Influenca Ltd. (
www.abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Lyc
), 2001- 2009.
75 “deficient of ideas” ... “can't bear to read anything she's written”: From William Boericke, “Lycopodium clavatum, Club Moss,”
Materia Medica
(1901), as found on Henriette's Herbal Homepage (
www.henriettesherbal.com/eclectic-boericke/lycopodium.html
) and
Rxhomeo.com
, “Lycopodium,” Rxhomeo Inc. (
www.rxhomeo.com/pharmacy/homeopathic.php?act=viewProd&productId=162
).
76 I really feel “the pain and discomfort”: Martin, “Homeopathy and Spirituality.”
77 a dysfunctional communication process called “nominalization”: Satir and Baldwin, p. 197.
78 “anal character”: Sigmund Freud, “Character and Anal Eroticism” (1908b): Paraphrased from Seymour Fisher and Roger P. Greenberg, “the Scientific Credibility of Freud's Theory and Therapy (New York: Columbia Unviersity Press, 1985), p. 154.
78 the “aristocratic character”: Wilhelm Reich,
Character Analysis
(New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1972), p. 194.
78 “unrelaxed, tense, joyless, and grim”: Theodore Millon, Ph.D., D.Sc., and Seth Grossman, Psy.D., The Millon-Grossman Personality Domain Checklist (MG-PDC) (
www.millon.net/instruments/MG_PDC.htm
).
78 In the words of psychologist Theodore Millon: Theodore Millon,
Disorders of Personality: DSM-III: Axis II
(New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1981), as quoted in Claudia Naranjo,
Character and Neurosis: An Integrative View
(claudionaranjo .
net/pdf_files/theory/character_neurosis_ch_1_english.pdf
).
79 “It would be a mistake, however, to conceive of [the perfectionist] as a violent character”: Naranjo,
Character and Neurosis
.
81 I might have heeded the warning: St. John of the Cross,
Dark Night of the Soul
(Alachua, Fla.: Bridge-Logos Publishers, 2007).
84 “where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible”: Satir,
The New Peoplemaking
, p. 26.
87 Still exploring homeopathy: R. Dockx, G. Kokelenberg,
Kent's Comparative Repertory of the Homeopathic Materia Medica
(New Delhi: B. Jain Publishers, 2004). See also: ABC Homeopathy, “Natrum Muriaticum” (
www.abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Nat-m
) and Jennifer Wurges, “Natrum muriaticum,”
Encyclopedia of A lternative Medicine
(2001) (
findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_g2603/is_0005/ai_2603000544/
).
88 “dislike[s] consolation or advice”: “Natrium Muriaticum: Chloride of Sodium,” Homeopathy and More (
www.homeopathyandmore.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=314
), 2006.
89
If I go to the butcher's house:
Alina Reyes, “The Butcher,” in
The Butcher and Other Erotica
(New York: Grove Press, 1996), pp. 33-35.
92 “fetch up the spirits into the brain”: Philosophers of Coimbra, from Robert Burton,
The Anatomy of Melancholy
, v. 1 New York Review of Books Classics (New York: The New York Review of Books, 2001) p. 422.
93 “denying one's own emotional reactions”: Alice Miller,
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
(New York: Basic Books, 2008), p. 39.
93 “It is easy to notice”: Ibid.
93 “A depression-prone person is distinguished by anger over the painful disturbances to his or her life”: Walter Bonime,
Collaborative Psychoanalysis: Anxiety, Depression, Dreams and Personality Change
(Cranbury, N.J.: Associated University Presses, 1989), p. 162.
FOUR
Anger Intellectualized
95 “When faced with life's needs and urges I used to begin by classifying”: “Being Happy, Making Happy Is the Rhythm of Life,”
I Am That: Dialogues of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
(
anandavala.info/miscl/I_Am_That.pdf
), pp. 278-79.
100 “Repressed and suppressed anger can thwart creativity and motivation”: Beverley Engel,
Honor Your Anger: How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life
(Hoboken, N.J.: John Wiley & Sons, 2004), p. 16.
104
These people have all developed the art of not experiencing feelings:
Miller, pp. 9-10.
107 “ventilationist”: From
The Century of the Self
(BBC documentary), directed by Adam Curtis, 2002.
108 Michael Murphy and Dick Price formed the Esalen Institute:
www.esalen.org
.
114 Charles L. Whitfield, who calls the inner child “the Child Within”: Charles L. Whitfield, MD,
Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families
(Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1987), p. 1.
121 “Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon”: Miller, p. 1.
126 “Young hockey players”: “Study Shows That Perfectionism and Parents Push Young Hockey Players to Anger.” Article adapted by
Medical News Today,
Sept. 25, 2006, from original press release.
128 “strong on passion and commitment but low on intimate involvement”: Robert Sternberg,
The Psychology of Love
(New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press, 1989), p. 65.
129 Stearns, who coined the word “emotionology”: Peter N. Stearns and Carol Z. Stearns, “Emotionology: Clarifying the History of Emotions and Emotional Standards,”
The American Historical Review
, v. 90, no. 4 (October 1985), pp. 813-36.
129 “the view of
anger
as something that can be manipulated
”
: Anna Wierzbicka,
Emotion across Languages and Cultures
(Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 1999), p. 31.
130 “English ‘anger' includes an implicit negative evaluation”: Cliff Goddard, “Anger in the Western Desert: A Case Study in the Cross-Cultural Semantics of Emotion,”
Man
, v. 26, no. 2 (June 1991), pp. 265-79.

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