Further Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman (16 page)

Chapter Nineteen

H
AVING TACKLED ONE
heavy-duty request, I went home to gather reinforcements before attempting another near-impossible feat.

“Your boyfriend was here,” God called from the kitchen table the instant I walked into the apartment.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I tossed Doomsday a treat and checked God’s water to make sure he had enough.

The lizard rolled his eyes . . . which was just plain gross.

“Fine. The redhead was here. Just waltzed right in and left something in the bedroom.”

“What do you mean he waltzed right in?” I could have sworn I’d locked the door before leaving.

“You don’t think she”—he pointed at Doomsday, who was lying on her back, waiting for a belly rub—“stopped him, do you?”

“Meat!” the dog panted.

“He fed her. Didn’t even look at me, but actually brought food for the beast.” God sounded put out.

Curious, I went into the bedroom. A large cardboard box sat smack in the middle of my unmade bed. Flipping it open, I reached inside and felt something cool and hard. I pulled it out.

It was a giant jar of gourmet olives.

Touched by Patrick’s thoughtfulness, I smiled. Putting it aside, I reached into the box again and pulled out a folder. I scanned its contents quickly. It was a complete dossier on Jose Garcia. It contained surveillance photos of Garcia, outside his house and in his car, his home address, the location of his daughter’s wedding, and even the wedding itinerary.

I reached into the box again and encountered something else cold and hard. I pulled it out slowly. It was a handgun.

Instinctively I checked to make sure the safety was on before I laid it beside the olives.

Looking into the box, I saw a pile of black fabric. I pulled it out and realized it was a waitress’s uniform. The name tag said “Katie.”

Short of drawing a bull’s-eye on Garcia’s forehead, Patrick had given me everything I needed.

“What is it?” God called from the other room.

Tossing the uniform on the bed, I snatched up the olives and dossier and went back to the kitchen. “It’s what I need to kill Garcia.”

“No flowers? No candy? No cheesy mix tapes?”

“I told you, he’s not my boyfriend.” I opened the olives. “Aren’t you too young to even remember mix tapes?”

“The other one was here too.”

“What other one?”

“The other boyfriend.”

I considered whipping the lid of the olive jar at him like some kind of deadly ninja weapon. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Mr. ’Roid Rage was here, but Doomsday scared him off.”

“DeeDee,” Doomsday whined.

The lizard shook his head at her. “Apparently she’s learning the alphabet, but the only letter she knows is D.”

“DeeDee,” the dog barked.

“She wants to change her name from Doomsday to DeeDee,” I explained.

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Apparently she doesn’t think Doomsday is girly enough.”

“Save me,” God muttered.

“Paul was here?” I asked, trying to get the conversation back on course.

“But Doomsday scared—” the lizard began.

“DeeDee,” the dog corrected.

“But
DeeDee
”—God stressed the two syllables like they were the most despicable things that had ever left his tongue—“scared him off.”

“Good girl, DeeDee,” I praised, tossing her an olive as a reward for her guard dog duties.

“She only growled because
I
told her to,” God groused.

“What did he want?”

God stared at me like I was even stupider than the dog. “I don’t know. It wasn’t like he was announcing his intentions as he tried to break in.”

I tilted my head to the side, acknowledging that it had been a pretty stupid thing to ask.

“I thought you were going to pick up your dress,” God said. “Did you forget?”

“No, I didn’t forget. I just took it to my aunts’ place so no one would S-H-E-D on it.”

DeeDee didn’t seem to notice that I was spelling so that she wouldn’t understand.

“Smart idea,” God said.

“I do have them occasionally.”

“
Very
occasionally.”

I yawned. Not the most scintillating response, but I was tired. “I need your help.”

“With what?” He flicked his tail suspiciously.

“Alice wants me to invite her mom to the wedding.”

“And that’s a challenge?”

“It would probably be a good thing if I did it in a nice or at least polite way.”

“And you think that’s too much for you to handle?”

I shrugged. “Might be.”

“You know,” the lizard said in his most bored tone, “there’s no law that says you have to take care of everyone all the time.”

“And if I don’t, who will?”

“I’m just saying that time will march on and the world will keep revolving.”

I thought of Marlene, of how I hadn’t taken care of her and Darlene when they needed me most. “If I don’t do it, someone will fall through the cracks.”

“Someone already has.”

I frowned. I was doing my best to care for Katie, my aunts, and my friends, but he was telling me my best wasn’t good enough. Panicked, I asked, “Who?”

“You.”

“I’m fine.”

“Really? Because the way I see it, you’re standing there, ready to fall asleep, but you’re getting ready to run out and take care of someone else’s problem.”

“So is this your way of telling me you’re not going to help me?” I frowned, surprised at how disappointed I was that the lizard was going to let me down.

He flicked his tail, signaling his frustration. “It means I’ll help you, but only if you take a nap first.”

“Nap DeeDee.” The dog wagged her stump of a tail.

“Yes,” God said. “Follow the beast’s lead and get some sleep. Then I’ll help you with anything you need.”

I swayed uncertainly, not liking that he was blackmailing me into doing his bidding, but seeing the wisdom behind his suggestion.

“Fine. For one hour.”

Knowing the box and uniform were still on my bed, I flopped onto the living room couch. DeeDee lay down on the floor beside me. I’m not sure which of us snored first.

Two hours later I awoke to the sound of whistling. For a confused moment I thought I was back in Aunt Susan’s porch and she was making me another cup of tea. Then I realized it wasn’t the teakettle making a racket, it was the lizard.

“I’m awake,” I muttered groggily.

“Time to get going,” he chirped cheerily.

“You’re the one who told me to take a nap.”

“I didn’t tell you to sleep the entire day away.”

“Gotta! Gotta!” DeeDee panted.

“Yeah, yeah.” I walked the dog, ate a handful of olives, and headed out, with God perched on my shoulder.

I filled him in on why I needed him to keep me in line as we drove over to the address Alice had given me for her mom. My apartment was in a questionable part of town. There was no question about where Alice’s mom lived . . . you’d have to be half crazy to live there.

I walked up to door sixteen of the dilapidated motel I’d been sent to.

“Maybe, if I’m lucky, she won’t be here,” I said. “Then I could honestly tell Alice I tried, but couldn’t get in touch with her.”

God, who had his tail wrapped around my neck for balance, said, “Don’t knock on the door. You don’t know who or what has touched it.”

It was good advice, so instead of knocking, I kicked it three times.

“Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t an—”

The door swung open and I was face-to-face with Alice’s mother. Like her daughter, the woman was ridiculously tall, but unlike Alice, she was stooped, weighed down by a lifetime of bad choices.

“Hello, Ellen.” Shocked by her appearance, I barely choked out the greeting. She’d always been vain and had insisted on always being called by her first name, instead of Mrs. Whichever-Bum-She-Was-Married-To.

The years had not been kind to her. Deep furrows lined her face, her hair was limp and lifeless, and her eyes were flat.

She stared at me blearily. “Do I know you?”

“It’s Maggie. Maggie Lee. Alice’s friend.”

She squinted at me. “The last time I saw you, you were a pimply-faced teenager. How’ve you been?”

“Fine. I wanted—”

“How’s your mother?”

Every muscle in my body tightened. Ellen had been the first person who’d ever publicly called my mother a lunatic.

“Easy, girl,” God soothed, stroking my ear like I was a wild stallion ready to buck. “Breathe.”

“She’s the same.” The words were tight and clipped.

Ellen pushed her door open wider, ushering inside.

I leaned forward and then hesitated.

“Don’t!” God shrieked. “It’s like stepping into a black hole. We might never get out.”

Ellen narrowed her gaze at the squeaking sound. “What’s that?”

“A lizard.” She probably thought I was as nuts as my mom, what with walking around with a lizard clinging to my shoulder for no apparent reason. I wasn’t sure she was wrong.

“Cute little guy.”

“Cute?” God shrieked, mortally offended.

Ellen reached up to pet him.

“Sensitive skin! Sensitive skin!” God scampered halfway down my back, latching on to my bra clasp.

“He’s not very friendly,” I told Ellen. “But he is cute.”

“Bitch!” he screamed.

Just for that I stepped into the apartment.

It was dingy and smelled of mildew, but it was neat enough that Aunt Susan would have approved.

“I see your aunt sometimes,” Ellen said, settling into a rocking chair and motioning for me to sit in the only other seat in the place.

I perched on the edge, waiting for God to retake his place on my shoulder before I sat back. “Aunt Susan?” I asked, assuming she’d seen her at one of her charity activities.

“Leslie.” We go to some of the same Narcotics Anonymous meetings.”

“So much for them being anonymous.”

“She said you’re the only girl left.”

“Marlene’s around somewhere,” I said, remembering Patrick’s claims.

“What are you doing here, Maggie?”

“Be nice,” God coached.

“Alice is getting married.”

“So I heard.”

“Leslie?”

She nodded.

I wondered if Aunt Leslie did anything besides talk about other peoples’ business while at her meetings.

“She wants to make sure I’m not going to show up and make a scene, right?” Ellen twisted her hands, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“Be kind,” God prompted. “The woman’s obviously a wreck. Lashing out her won’t serve a purpose.”

He was wrong, I wasn’t about to strike out. I felt a stab of pity for her. I’d never understand why she hadn’t taken her daughter’s side, but now, after the events of the past month or so, I could understand how it’s possible to delude oneself into thinking what’s wrong is right.

“She wants you to be there,” I said as gently as I could.

Something in her flat gaze shimmered for a moment as though a switch had been thrown within her.

“Really.” I took out an invitation and laid it on the card table between us. “She asked me to come and invite you.”

Ellen reached for the piece of cardboard with trembling hands. “She . . . she forgives me?”

“That’s not my place to say, but she does want you there. I’d imagine that’s a start.”

Two big, fat tears slid down her cheeks, disappearing into the wrinkles time and suffering had carved.

“Say something comforting,” God urged.

Nothing came to me. I just sat there, watching the older woman clasp the piece of stationery like it was a lifeline.

“I have to be going,” I said after a long, uncomfortable silence, and got to my feet.

“I pray for her every day,” Ellen croaked.

“You should tell Alice that when you see her.”

She stood up and grabbed my hand. “I meant your niece. I pray for Alice too, but I’ve been praying extra hard for your little niece ever since I heard.”

“Thank you,” I said, touched by the sentiment. “If you need a ride to the wedding I could arrange for one.”

“You’re the maid of honor?”

I nodded.

“She’s lucky to have you. She’s always been lucky to have a friend like you, Maggie.”

The moment I was out the door, God patted me on the shoulder. “Good job.”

I didn’t answer him.

“Is something wrong?”

“Things are going too well.”

“Too well.”

“Patrick gave me everything I need, Aunt Susan took the news about the custody battle extremely well, Zeke’s not gay, and now this . . . Do you know what it means?”

“Apparently you’ve developed psychic powers and think you do?”

“I’ll confer with my psychic, but I’m pretty sure the rough ride is about to begin.”

Chapter Twenty

“A
NY MORE PROPHETIC
dreams?” I asked Armani the moment she limped into work.

“Why? Did something happen?”

I couldn’t tell her that I’d almost gotten caught trying to kill my former uncle so I said, “I’ve got an uneasy feeling.”

“I’m not surprised. I keep dreaming about the disco ball.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got for me?”

“Well, that and a cactus.”

“A cactus?”

She nodded. “A big one.

“Where am I going to encounter a big cactus?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s symbolic. Your sex life is pretty parched.”

Considering that I’d made out with Zeke and almost kissed Patrick over the course of the weekend, I didn’t think the tumbleweeds would be blowing through anytime soon.

“Unless you decided to take my advice about the cop . . .”

I wrinkled my nose in disgust at the thought of Paul. “Not even a remote possibility.”

Harry drifted up to us, but was careful to keep a respectful distance. “If you ladies wouldn’t mind returning to your desks, please? We’ve got some managers from the main office taking a tour.”

I stared at him. He was polite, bordering on pandering.

“Please?” He practically squeaked, failing to make eye contact.

“Sure.” I moved away and couldn’t hear whatever it was Armani said to him, but I did hear her raucous laughter as it bounced through the room.

I didn’t get a chance to speak to her again until lunch.

“You should invite me,” she said as she slid into the bench opposite me at our regular picnic table.

“To what?”

“To the bachelorette party.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Zeke told me about it.”

“When?”

“When he called me yesterday.”

He’d kissed me and then called her. That rankled. I did my best to keep a straight face.

She threw back her head and laughed. “So you figured out that the cute guy is straight and interested in you, huh?”

I shrugged.

“He said I should convince you to take me along to this bachelorette deal. That he’d met all of this Alice chick’s friends and they reminded him of the Stepford Wives.”

“They are kinda similar.”

“He said I should go along and show you how to loosen up and have a good time.”

“No offense,” I said. “But you’re not really the one I want to show me a good time.”

“Oooh, you’ve got it bad for him.”

“I always have.” I sighed, flooded with regrets.

“
Carpe mano!
”

“What?”

“
Carpe mano
. Seize the man. That’s what I always say.”

“I’ve never heard you say it.”

“So what do you say, Chiquita. Can I come along and seize some men?”

“Sure,” I said, against my better judgment. I hoped it wasn’t a decision I’d come to regret.

After work I headed straight to the hospital. I was relieved that Vinnie, Delveccio’s muscle, was nowhere in sight. I really didn’t want to explain to the mobster about how I’d failed to kill Jose Garcia. All I wanted to do was visit with my niece.

Nothing is ever that simple.

She already had another visitor. Aunt Leslie sat at Katie’s bedside singing, “If I Had a Hammer” to her.

I hadn’t seen Leslie since I’d insulted her as we prepared for the wedding shower, so I didn’t know whether or not she was speaking to me. I waited until her song was over before stepping into the room and letting my presence be known.

She turned and smiled at me. “Hi, Maggie.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding. “Hi, Aunt Leslie.”

“Our girl keeps opening her eyes.”

“That’s great.” I pressed a kiss to Katie’s head before settling into the seat opposite Leslie. “I saw Alice’s mom yesterday.”

“I see her at my NA meetings sometimes. She’s a nice woman, but broken.”

“She looks pretty bad.”

“Life has been hard on her.”

“She’s coming to the wedding.”

Leslie nodded. “Good. Does that mean Alice has forgiven her?”

I shrugged.

“She should.”

A familiar sense of outrage began to burn in my gut. “Why? What her mother did was horrible.”

Leslie shook her head with a sad smile. “You don’t understand, Maggie. Forgiveness isn’t for the person who did wrong, it’s about the person who’s been wronged to find peace.”

I wondered if she’d picked up that particular nugget of wisdom at one of her meetings, but I bit the inside of my cheek and managed not to ask.

“Susan told us about the custody battle,” she said, changing the topic of conversation as though she sensed how tense it made me. She stroked Katie’s cheek. “If you need money for the lawyer, I have a little set aside.”

“No. I have it covered.” I’d used the advance Delveccio had given me for just that.

“We’re all excited you’re moving home.”

“Are you?” I picked up Katie’s limp hand and began manipulating her fingers.

“Can I give you some advice?”

I glanced over at my aunt. Susan and Loretta were usually the sisters who doled out advice. Leslie usually just sat and listened. “Sure.”

“I’ve been thinking about it since Susan told us yesterday. I know you left the first time because we were all driving you crazy.”

“I—” I felt like I should protest, but I didn’t want to lie.

“So I think it would be good idea to have a family meeting before you move back in.”

I thought she had meetings on the brain. “We’ve never had a family meeting.”

“That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t start.”

I wondered if that meant she wanted us to all sit around and chant the Serenity Prayer or something. I thought Aunt Susan’s head might explode if we did. “I don’t know . . .” I said slowly.

“You could lay down some ground rules. Boundaries.”

I stared at her like she was a three-headed alien. Our family didn’t really do the respecting-boundaries thing. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“People can change, Maggie. You’re a grown woman. There should be limits on how much we meddle in your life.”

“You guys exist solely to meddle,” I said.

She frowned. “Maybe that’s why Susan is a control freak, Loretta’s a nymphomaniac, and I’m a drug addict.”

I blinked and I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open. It was by far the harshest thing I’d ever heard Leslie say. True, but harsh.

“It might be too late for you,” Leslie continued. “But she”—she jerked her chin in the direction of Katie’s face—“she deserves better.”

“You’re right.”

“So you’ll do it?”

I nodded.

“Good.” She stood up to leave. “Katie’s lucky to have an aunt like you, Maggie.”

Standing up, I walked around the bed and wrapped my arms around Leslie. Squeezing tightly I whispered, “And I’m lucky to have an aunt like you.”

She hugged me back and then left, unshed tears shimmering in her eyes.

I collapsed into the seat she’d occupied. “Hear that, Katie? We’re going to establish boundaries.”

Her eyes fluttered open as though she knew I was talking to her.

I did my best to smile, even though I didn’t think she saw me. “That’s it, Baby Girl.”

Her gaze seemed to sharpen and focus.

I leaned closer. “Can you hear me, Katie? Can you see me? It’s Aunt Maggie.”

She blinked. When her eyes reopened she was looking right at me.

My heart skipped a beat.

“I’m here, Katie. Aunt Maggie is right here.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “Can you squeeze my hand, sweetheart?”

I felt no answering pressure.

A lump rose in my throat. Was I seeing things? Deluding myself?

“Please, Baby Girl? Please squeeze my hand?”

And she did.

I could have wept, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to frighten her. Instead I blinked away my tears and said, “Good job. Good job, kiddo.”

Someone else came into the room and Katie’s gaze left mine to see who it was.

One of Katie’s doctors, a young guy with an earnest demeanor, circled Katie’s bed. “Hello there, Katie. I’m Dr. McCain.” He pulled out one of those light things that doctors are so fond of blinding their patients with. “Can you follow this light for me, Katie?”

Holding it in front of her, he moved it slowly from side to side.

She tracked it.

Then her eyes fluttered closed again, but not before she gave my hand one more weak squeeze.

I covered my mouth to choke back a sob.

Dr. McCain looked at me and smiled. A real smile, not one of those pitying grimaces all the doctors and nurses had been giving me. “This is a really good sign, Miss Lee. A really good sign.”

I walked out of Katie’s hospital room wondering if Armani’s cactus was somehow a good sign about Katie’s recovery. Maybe it was symbolic of survival. Those things thrive out in the desert where most things shrivel up and die. I liked that idea.

I smiled, my heart lighter than it had been in ages. Things were finally starting to turn around.

The next moment, my bubble of euphoria burst.

“Miss Lee?” An older nurse who I’d seen many times hurried over to me. “There seems to be a problem.”

“A problem?” I immediately thought that something was wrong with the hospital billing. I’d done the work. I’d paid Katie’s bill.

“There’s a woman here claiming to be your niece’s aunt.”

My heart leapt and then stumbled. “Marlene?”

“No, ma’am. I believe her name starts with an A. She’s giving us a very hard time, insisting on seeing Katie, but she’s not on the list of approved visitors.”

Abilene.

I clenched my fists, ready to do battle. “I’ll take care of it. Where is she?”

“At the nurses’ station.”

I marched off in that direction.

The nurse hurried to keep up with me. “I think you should know . . . I mean, you’re a nice person, all the staff says so . . . you should know that this woman is scary.”

I smiled. “Thank you, but I think I can handle it.” I had, after all, killed two men. What could one woman do to me in a hospital corridor?

In hindsight, I realized I shouldn’t have been so cocky.

I spotted Abilene the moment I rounded the corner. If Aunt Loretta dressed like an aging sex kitten, Abilene was the hot mama cat. Clad in black leather from head to toe and dripping in gold, she should have looked ridiculous; instead the dominatrix-crossed-with-cartoon-villain look worked for her.

I could understand why the nurses were spooked. She looked like the type who’d eat her young.

“I’ve met worse,” I muttered beneath my breath.

The nurse who’d come to get me quirked an eyebrow, signaling she didn’t believe me.

She didn’t know I was a badass, professional assassin.

By default.

Deciding that my best bet was to show no fear, I marched right up to the Lady of Darkness and extended my hand. “Hello. I’m Maggie Lee. Katie’s aunt.”

She stared at my offered hand, but didn’t move to shake it.

Determined to keep things as civil as possible, I fell back on the empathy coaching I’d received at Insuring the Future. “My deepest condolences on the loss of your brother.” I felt a twinge of pride that I’d managed to sound like a freaking Hallmark card.

She shrugged. “No loss. The world’s a better place without him.”

I hadn’t liked Dirk, heck, there were times I’d despised him, but I didn’t believe in speaking ill of the dead. “He had his redeeming qualities.”

“Like what?”

I had to think about that for a second. “He could grill a steak to medium-rare perfection without a thermometer.”

“Is that why your sister married him? Because he was good with meat? She must not have been the sharpest tool in the shed.”

“Hey,” I warned, “that’s my sister you’re talking about.”

She gave me a long, calculating look. I did my best to stare back stoically, knowing that the nurses were watching our exchange like it was a tennis match.

She inclined her head slightly. I didn’t know if it was meant as an apology or if she was acknowledging I was a worthy opponent. Either way, it felt like I’d won that match.

“I’d like to see my niece,” she said.

I resisted pointing out she’d never bothered to meet Katie before. Instead I said, “Of course,” hoping I could reason with her. “This way.”

She followed me to Katie’s room and then stood at the bed, staring at the sleeping girl.

“She was able to open her eyes and focus today,” I said softly. “The doctor said that was a good sign. Maybe if you stop by earlier in the day tomorrow, she’ll be awake.”

“I won’t be here tomorrow. I just happened to have some business to attend to nearby so I figured I’d swing by and see her.”

“I was thinking,” I said carefully, hoping to reason with her, “that I’d be happy to work out a visitation schedule with you. After all, she should know both sides of her family.”

She turned her hard gaze on me. “Visitation? I want full custody. I’m going to get full custody.”

I tried to hang on to my composure. “But you’ve never even met her. Surely—”

“Surely,” she interrupted, “you don’t think you’re going to have her. Your mother is insane, your father is a criminal, you have a go-nowhere job, a crappy apartment, and you can’t keep a man.” She smiled maliciously as I winced at her attack. “I know who you are, Maggie Lee. I know your weaknesses and my lawyer will exploit them.”

Balling my hands into fists, I asked in an even voice, “Why are you doing this?”

“Didn’t Dirk tell you?”

“I’d never even heard of you before he died.”

“I want everything that’s his. I took his place in the family business, took his place in our father’s heart, and now, now that the old man is dying, I’m going to take Dirk’s brat and use it to get Dirk’s inheritance.”

“She’s not a brat. She’s certainly not an it. And you’re never going to take her.”

She laughed at me. She just threw back her head and laughed as though I was the biggest joke in the universe.

“I won’t let you—” I glanced at Katie, so small and peaceful in the big bed, and got too choked up to continue.

I spun around and left the room, not wanting to fight in front of Katie.