Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang (4 page)

“What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?” I asked.

“What?” Mrs. Wonderland asked wearily.

“Robin, get in the Batmobile!”

A few of the kids rolled their eyes, which on Crouton means that something is really funny.

“Thank you,” Mrs. Wonderland said. “That will be enough jokes, Funny Boy. I would like you to be serious now. Perhaps you can tell us what you did over summer vacation.”

“Sure,” I said “After my rocket crash-landed into the underwear factory, I singlehandedly saved the world from a hideous purple monster with one furry, dripping eyeball who wanted to eat Earth. Her name was Betty.”

The kids were falling all over themselves laughing again. Salvatore was pounding his own head against his desk. The kid in front of Salvatore turned around and told him, “Looks like you might pass this year. This kid is even worse than you!”

“Okay, that’s
enough
!” Mrs. Wonderland hollered, clapping her hands together. Everybody quieted down immediately. “Listen to me good, Funny Boy, or whatever your name is. I don’t tolerate silliness in my classroom. Do you understand me? We’re here to learn, not to listen to your jokes. You’d better shape up young man, or you’ll be spending a good part of this term in Principal Werner’s office. And if you think I’m mean, wait until you meet
him.
”

“Oooooooh!” went all the kids.

Salvatore slipped a piece of paper on my desk. I unfolded it. It said:

TELL HER ANOTHER JOKE

“Mrs. Wonderland,” I said, “Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?”

“Enough!”

So far, school wasn’t going quite the way I expected.

THE BUBBLE-BRAINED BARBERS AND THEIR AMAZING HAIR-REMOVAL SYSTEM

It was hard to concentrate at school. All day long there was something in the back of my mind—that enormous barber pole I had seen in the sky the night before. What was it doing up there? Where was it now? After school I rushed home so I could look in the telescope and see if it was still orbiting Earth.

“So how was your first day at school?” Bob Foster asked as I rushed past him.

“Okay,” I replied.

“What did you learn?”

“Nothin’.”

No way I was going to tell him the one thing I had learned at school—that you should never,
never
tell your parents what you learned in school.

A boy on the playground explained to me that any kid who reveals what happens at school will be cursed for the rest of his life. He told me about this one girl in Canada who told her parents what she learned that day at school. The next day her video game system busted, her life savings fell down a sewer, her hair caught on fire, and her dog exploded. So even if they torture you, I was told,
never
tell your parents what happened at school.

“Well, something
must
have happened at school,” Bob Foster insisted.

“Nope,” I replied.

It had been a rough day actually. Mrs. Wonderland was going over fractions, and I didn’t get it. And every time I tried telling a joke, she got angrier with me.

Punch and I took Bob Foster’s telescope outside and pointed it in the direction where I had seen the big barber pole in the sky. We both looked through it, but didn’t see anything.

“Are you sure you weren’t just imagining that you saw a big barber pole?” Punch asked.

“Oh, I saw it,” I insisted. “Either it flew right past Earth, or it landed somewhere.”

Bob Foster let us stay up to watch TV before bedtime most nights. Punch was flipping through the channels, hitting the remote control with her paw.

Suddenly, the screen was filled with the faces of three odd-looking men. They were all completely bald, but they had bushy eyebrows and mustaches that looked like push brooms. Punch was about to hit the remote control again.

“Stop!” I shouted.

“Greetings, brainless Earthlings,” the guy in the middle said. “My name is Barry Barber and these are my mentally challenged brothers, Bo Barber and Burly Barber. We are barbers from outer space.”

I was right! It was a barber pole I had seen up in the sky. That must have been their spaceship.

“This show looks funny,” Bob Foster said. “Leave it on.”

“Me am Bo Barber,” grunted the barber called Bo.

“Me am Burly Barber,” grunted the barber called Burly.

“We are from the planet Depilatory,” Barry continued. “We have come to take over Earth.”

Bo and Burly nodded their heads and grunted. Then they pulled a lady with long dark hair in front of the camera. Her hands were tied behind her back. Bo had a large gun—it looked like the ray guns you see in old movies—and he pointed it at the lady’s head.

“There is no point in resisting,” Barry told the lady “Observe the power of our amazing hair-removal system.”

Bo pulled the trigger on the gun. A bright blue beam of light shot out of it and hit the lady on the head. Instantly, she was totally bald.

“Eeeeeek!” she shrieked. “Where did my hair go?”

“It’s right here!” Barry said cheerfully. He was holding the lady’s hair in his hand.

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” the lady screamed, running away.

“See how easy it is for us to remove Earthling hair?” Barry said, looking directly into the camera. “Surrender your hair now, or we will have to
take
it from you!”

“These guys are a riot,” Bob Foster said, chuckling.

The barber named Barry, who appeared to be the leader of the group, picked up a telephone.

“Earthlings who would like to turn their hair in should call 1-800-999-8778,” he said. “Operators are standing by to take your hair.”

The phone rang and Barry picked it up.

“Uh, hi,” a guy on the line said. “Your hair removal system looks really cool. I was wondering if I could order one through your 800 number?”

“We’re not selling it, you idiot!” Barry yelled, hanging up on the guy. “We are going to use it to take over your planet!”

The phone rang again and Barry picked it up.

“I work in a beauty salon,” a lady said. “How much is the hair-removal system? Do you accept credit cards?”

“Don’t you Earthlings get it?” Barry thundered as he slammed down the phone. “This isn’t some infomercial!”

Bob Foster almost fell off the couch laughing. “Those barbers crack me up,” he laughed.

“Crack you up?” I said, astonished. “They mean it!”

“It’s just a joke,” Bob Foster assured me. “You, of all people, should know a joke when you hear one. I thought you had such a highly developed sense of humor.”

“I do!” I replied. “But this is no joke. Those barbers are for real! I’ve got to save the world!”

“You can save the world tomorrow,” Bob Foster said, clicking off the TV. “Right now, you’ve got to get to bed for school in the morning.”

PRINCIPAL WERNER, THE LUNATIC WHO TORTURES, KILLS, AND EATS CHILDREN

I couldn’t sleep. As soon as daylight came, I ran outside to get the morning paper. I figured there would be a big front-page story about the barbers who were invading Earth. But there was nothing on the front page. I flipped through the paper until I finally found a short article in the entertainment section. ...

HYSTERICAL NEW COMEDY DEBUTS

There are three new stars on prime-time TV. Last night, television viewers were treated to “The Bo, Barry, and Burly Show,” a clever new comedy about three bubble-brained barbers who claim to be from another planet and threaten to take over Earth by stealing our hair.

Ridiculous as the concept sounds, “BBB” is funny, hip, and very possibly the most innovative comedy to come along since “Seinfeld.”

The show drew huge overnight ratings. Instant viewer polls indicated “BBB” was embraced by everyone from preschool children through the elderly. Viewers particularly like Barry, the leader and most articulate of the trio. But sidekicks Bo and Burly, dumb as they are, have charms of their own. The actors who portray the barbers are so convincing, it almost seems like they really do want to take over the planet.

Catch “BBB” every night at 9 P.M. This one looks like a winner!