Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) (6 page)

Man, I’ve saved Earth three times already! You’d think the guy would know my name by now.

Meanwhile, in Toad Suck, Arkansas, a full dental office had been set up in the middle of the grassy field. A powerful electrical generator had been hooked up to the rocket engine to provide power.

Three shadowy figures emerged from the spaceship.

OOH, THIS IS WHEN THE STORY STARTS GETTING EXCITING! FUNNY BOY IS ON HIS WAY TO TOAD SUCK, ARKANSAS, TO CONFRONT THE DUMBBELL DENTIST FROM DEIMOS. MOVE TO THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT! THAT IS, IF YOU’RE SITTING DOWN. IF YOU’RE NOT SITTING DOWN, JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

It was fun riding in the president’s private jet. The plane had its own ping-pong table, tetherball court, and cotton candy machine.

Psych! It really didn’t have any of those things, but that would have been cool. We
did
get little bags of pretzels, though.

Bob Foster spent most of the flight sleeping. I went over to sit next to Punch.

“I’m afraid, Punch,” I confided.

“You’re afraid that the evil alien dentist is going to destroy the Earth?” Punch asked.

“No.”

“Then what are you afraid of?” she asked.

“Spiders,” I told her.

Punch laughed, as only a dog can. Then she closed her eyes, and leaned back in her seat.

“I’m not worried,” she said.

“Why not?” I asked her.

“Because I’m a fictional character,” she told me. “I can’t get hurt. I can’t die. Nothing bad can happen to me because I never existed in the first place. That’s how I deal with life’s problems. We’re
all
fictional, y’know.”

“So it’s sorta the same reason why fictional characters never go to the bathroom, right?” I asked.

“Exactly.”

“How can you be so sure we’re fictional?” I asked. “You look pretty real to me.”

Punch looked at me.

“A talking dog?” she said, putting her paws behind her head. “Come on. Get real. A few chapters from now, the evil alien is sure to die falling off a cliff into a volcano filled with molten hot lava. Or maybe he’ll eat a poisoned burrito. Either way, there will be a happy ending. We’ll all live happily ever after. Trust me. That’s what always happens in stories.”

Punch seemed pretty sure of herself. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was getting all worked up over nothing.

But just to be on the safe side, I used the plane’s high-speed Internet connection to grab some killer jokes that I could use against the alien dentist.

I went to funnyjokes.com. I went to funnierjokes.com. I even went to funniestjokes.com. There were a lot of great jokes, and they were all free to use without getting permission or paying royalties or anything!

“What do you think of this one?” I asked Punch. “I heard that nearly all accidents occur within twenty miles from home. So I moved.”

“Ugh. Is that even a joke?” Punch asked.

“Okay, how about this one? What did the lawyer name his daughter?”

“What?”

“Sue.”

“Those jokes are
terrible
,” Punch told me. Now there was a worried look on her face. “If that’s the best you can come up with, we’re all going to die!”

“I thought you said fictional characters can’t die,” I said.

But Punch didn’t hear me. She had gotten up out of her seat to go use the imaginary bathroom in her mind.

IF YOU EXPERIENCE DIZZINESS, NAUSEA, OR VOMITING WHILE READING THIS BOOK, THAT’S PRETTY MUCH NORMAL.

THIS IS THE INCREDIBLY TENSE SCENE IN WHICH FUNNY BOY APPROACHES THE SPACESHIP. YOU MAY NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH TO CALM YOUR NERVES AS YOU READ IT.

Finally, we landed at Toad Suck International Airport, which serves the greater Toad Suck metropolitan area. Bob Foster rented a car with a GPS so we could find the location of the alien spaceship.

“Choose any car in the aisle,” the man at the rental car place said to Bob Foster.

“Any car?” Bob Foster said. “You cannot be serious!”

Bob Foster chose a 1985 Yugo and took Route 35 out of the airport. Then he merged onto Route 22 and made a left at some other road that doesn’t exist but I just made up to make it seem like he drove around for a while.

Suddenly, we spotted something in the distance.

“There it is!” Punch shouted. “The spaceship!”

It was a big, silvery space-shippy-shaped thing that towered over the nearby trees. Watching it, I felt the hair on my arms stand up, and realized something right away—I needed to shave my arms. They are
really
hairy.

“If I don’t make it back alive,” I said to Bob Foster, “you know what to do, right?”

“Rent out your room and sell your stuff on eBay?” asked Bob Foster.

“No!” I yelled. “You should tell everyone how much I loved my adopted planet. Tell everyone how hard I tried to save it.”

“Oh yeah,” Bob Foster said. “After that, I’ll rent out your room and sell your stuff on eBay.”

“That might be hard to do after the Earth is destroyed,” Punch noted.

“Good point,” said Bob Foster as he pulled off the highway at the exit marked “ALIEN DENTIST: TURN RIGHT HERE.”

Bob Foster parked the car about fifty yards from the spaceship so we could walk up to it in slow motion and build suspense.

We got out of the car.

We walked in slow motion toward the spaceship.

I put my left foot forward.

I put my right foot forward.

We built suspense. And I did the hokey-pokey.

As we got closer, I could hear scary music coming from behind some bushes. We passed by, and I saw that there was a full orchestra sitting behind the bushes.

“What are
you
people doing here?” Bob Foster asked the musicians.

“We were hired to play scary music,” said the violin player. “It enhances the drama of the story.”

“Knock it off, will you?” I told him. “I’m scared enough as it is.”

The musicians packed up their instruments and left. We advanced closer to the spaceship. On the ground next to it, we could see a complete replica of a dental office, but with no roof. There were four dental chairs.

Suddenly, the spaceship door slid open with a
whoosh
, the way doors always do in science fiction movies but never in the real world. Why is that? I want a sliding door in my house that goes
whoosh
. Those doors are cool.

Standing before us was . . . the dumbbell dentist from Deimos!

EXCITING, ISN’T IT? I MAY HAVE TO GO LIE DOWN TO REGAIN MY COMPOSURE.

THIS IS WHERE WE MEET THE INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING ALIEN. YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE A BUCKET OR SOMETHING NEARBY, IN CASE YOU NEED TO THROW UP.

Oh, it was an evil-looking creature. Bob Foster, Punch, and I took a step backward, shocked by what we were seeing. The sight was so awful, so repulsive, so disgusting, that just describing it here would probably make me lose my lunch. I’m not sure I can do it.

You insist?

Well, okay.

First of all, his body was a hulking mass of malodorous fat that spilled over the waistband of his sweatpants like a pot of oatmeal that had been left on the stove too long. His face was terrifying, with four eyes arranged in such a way as to allow him to see in all directions simultaneously. His nose was perfectly normal, except for the fact that it was on the top of his head. His mouth was like a mail slot, with rotted, blackened teeth. It looked like he could smoke four or five cigars simultaneously.

What a hideous sight! This alien made Godzilla look like Brad Pitt. We were all trembling with fear and holding onto one another. But at least I didn’t throw up.