Fully Ignited (Boston Fire #3) (19 page)

“I didn’t say
fuck it.
I just decided not to hurt her any more than I already had.”

“If she does love you, this—the emptiness—hurts more than anything you could say to her.” She squeezed his hand. “Pick up your pucks and let’s go. You can buy your niece or nephew some ice cream.”

Once they were back in sneakers and he’d put everything away, he took her hand and they walked out of the rink together. The sun was warm and being outside with Ashley made him feel better. Less hopeless at least, and he knew he needed to get out of his own head for a while.

“Thanks for coming, Ash. Somehow you always know what to say. Sometimes it doesn’t sink into my thick skull for a while, but I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“That’s what big sisters are for. And you’re lucky to have two. Lydia to kick you in the ass and me to give you a hug.”

He laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s get some ice cream.”

She grinned. “I want a small scoop of chocolate with a pound of whipped cream and jimmies on it. And half a jar of cherries.”

“That baby’s got good taste.” He squeezed her hand and they started walking toward the ice cream shop. For now, he’d shove his pain and confusion into the dark corners of his mind and enjoy an hour or so with his sister.

* * *

I
T
SEEMED
LIKE
just Jamie’s luck that the guys got called out on a run just before she finished packing the few things left in her office and the bunk room, and emptying out her locker.

Maybe it was for the best, she thought, looking around the empty engine bay. She hated goodbyes and she’d been especially nervous about this one because she was afraid she’d cry again.

She’d spoken to each of the guys at some point during the morning, anyway. They’d all wished her luck and there had been jokes and promises to keep in touch. She could tell they were thrilled to have Danny back, which made it slightly easier for her to move on. This had never been her place, really.

She’d barely seen Scott. He kept himself busy down in the bays, taking inventories and cleaning the trucks and chatting with people who walked by and stopped to talk. Every time she saw him, even from across the room, the pain was so sharp she struggled not to let it show.

It was definitely time to go. There was no way she could hang around, caught up in her own thoughts, and not bawl at having to say goodbye and hug each one of them. And she would either have to say goodbye to Scott again, or she’d have to ignore him.

She put the last box in her car, which she’d managed to get reasonably close to the station, and then took one last look around. All traces of her were gone, so after sending a mental goodbye to Engine 59 and all the guys, she got in her car and drove away from the curb.

Jamie hadn’t intended to go to Kincaid’s Pub when she pulled away from the station, but she wasn’t surprised when she found herself on the sidewalk, staring at the door. Her mind had been totally wrapped up with Scott, and here she was at his family’s bar. As if coming here would somehow offer up a clue to what had gone so horribly wrong or how to fix it.

Everything had changed when she told him she was transferring to Ladder Company 41. It hadn’t been an easy thing to tell him because she’d hated saying the words out loud. She’d known that things were going to change and that meant their relationship would change.

She’d been right. Except their relationship hadn’t just changed. It had crumbled like a dried-out sand castle.

Jerking open the door, she went inside. She was pretty well braced against the memories that threatened to emotionally overwhelm her, but she got a little shaky when Lydia saw her and smiled.

“Hey, you.” Lydia looked at the clock hanging on the wall. “I’ve never seen you in here at this time of day, but it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?”

“It’s definitely five o’clock.” She climbed up onto a bar stool, thankful the place was practically empty.

Lydia tilted her head, frowning as she looked at her. “You want a beer or do you want me to break out the good stuff?”

“I’d actually love a coffee. I’m not much of a beer drinker and I’m not doing cocktails on an empty stomach.”

“Coming right up.”

When Lydia set a huge mug of coffee in front of her, along with a small dish of creamer cups, Jamie smiled her thanks. She wasn’t sure what, if anything, Scott had told his sister, but she didn’t seem to be acting any differently toward her.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Jamie shook her head. She knew she should eat, but she wasn’t hungry and was afraid if she forced herself, she’d only make herself sick. “No, thanks. Just the coffee, I guess.”

“Okay.” But Lydia reached under the counter and dropped a few packages of oyster crackers in front of her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Tears prickled her eyes and she tried to blink them away. “Not really.”

“Neither did he.” Lydia sighed and leaned against the counter. “That’s probably half the damn problem, you know. If you guys would talk to each other, neither of you would be so miserable.”

“Some things just aren’t meant to be,” Jamie said. Saying it to Lydia was a good reminder for herself, and she forced herself to sit up straight.

“Things don’t just
be
.” Lydia paused, then shook her head. “Okay, that made a lot more sense in my head. But some things
are
meant to be, but you have to work for them and not expect all the pieces to magically fall into place.”

Jamie fiddled with a package of crackers to give her hands something to do. Part of her resented the lecture, but she knew her subconscious hadn’t come here accidentally. She’d pulled up a stool in front of one of the two women who cared about both her and Scott, and one who wasn’t shy about telling a person what she thought.

“You know, I didn’t want to come back to Boston,” Lydia said. “I got out and I intended to stay out. I was done with firefighters. I was done with the entire firefighting community and my dad and this bar. I wanted no part of it.”

“Since I was here when you married a firefighter
in
this bar, I guess you changed your mind.”

“We talked.”

“That’s it? You talked?”

Lydia shrugged. “Basically. I mean, he
was
willing to walk away from everything for me, but I guess knowing I meant that much to him was enough for me. But if he hadn’t come and talked to me, I would have been gone and I probably wouldn’t have come back.”

Jamie ripped the end of the package open and popped an oyster cracker into her mouth. Chewing and swallowing gave her time to think about how much she wanted to say, because this was her friend. She was also Scott’s sister and Jamie knew that relationship trumped hers.

“We did talk,” she said finally. “And this is where we ended up, so there’s really nothing more to say.”

“At this time of day, to come in here and not want a beer or food, you must have come here for another reason, Jamie. You’re not ready to give up on him yet.”

“I came to say goodbye.” As much as she hated saying the words, she knew they were the right ones to say. “I cleaned out my office and my locker this morning. I’m officially done with Engine Company 59.”

Wow, that hurt to say. And it wasn’t only because of Scott. She would genuinely miss all of them.

“I know everybody’s sad to see you leave the company, but what the hell is this goodbye bullshit? You’re going to Ladder 41, not Michigan.”

Jamie gave a short laugh, which surprised her. “Why Michigan?”

“I don’t know.” Lydia shrugged. “I don’t know anybody who’s ever gone to Michigan, so it seems like you moving there would merit a goodbye.”

“You’d never met anybody from Nebraska before me, either. I guess I’m all about broadening your horizons.”

“No, you’re all about trying to change the subject. I’m a bartender. I can sense these things.”

“I know I’m not moving to Michigan. I don’t know if or when I’ll move at all. But I don’t think I’ll be coming in here for a good long while. This is pretty undeniably his turf, you know?”

“You’re my friend. I’m not letting you disappear on me.”

Jamie’s throat tightened and she prayed she wouldn’t burst into a full-on bout of tears. “And I’ll see you when you’re not working, like most people see their friends.”

“I can’t accept that you’re not meant to be together.”

“I’m having a hard time accepting it myself.” Jamie wished Lydia would move on. Unfortunately, if she kept pushing at her about Scott, Jamie knew their friendship would eventually wither and die because she wasn’t going to rehash it every time they spoke. “I should probably go home. I’ve got my stuff in the car and I want to go through it and see what I’m taking with me to L-41.”

“The coffee’s on the house today. I know you won’t stop in, but text me or call me and we can get together, okay? I want to hear about your new assignment.”

“I will.”

The phone rang and Lydia gave her hand a squeeze before walking to the register end of the bar to answer it. Jamie saw her chance to escape without further drama and slid off the stool, but the picture on the wall caught her eye.

She stared at the photo of Bobby Orr, the light reflecting off the glass highlighting the many—possibly even hundreds—of fingerprints smudging it. There had probably been a lot of broken glasses over the years. Kincaid’s Pub had probably seen its share of broken hearts, too.

“I don’t know if you do broken hearts,” she said to the man in the picture. “But I feel like my heart shattered like glass, so you’re worth a shot, right?”

She kissed the tips of her fingers and pressed them to the picture, holding them there until the glass warmed under her touch. And then she laughed at herself and walked out of the bar.

EIGHTEEN

J
AMIE
STOPPED
BY
to say goodbye. Are you okay?

Scott read the text from his sister twice, wishing she’d left well enough alone. It was hard enough sitting on the couch feeling as if he’d lost everything while the guys went on with their lives around him.

They’d come back from a call and every trace of Jamie was gone, as if she’d never been there. The others were in good spirits, glad to have Danny back, and he tried. He was genuinely happy to have Danny back, too, but there was a void in Scott’s world he couldn’t ignore.

He typed in his response to Lydia.
Yeah, I’m fine. Busy. Call you later.

Okay.

He wouldn’t call her later. Right now, he didn’t want sympathy
or
a lecture and he knew she’d give him one or the other.

The couch creaked as Danny sat down next to him and propped his legs up on the coffee table with a sigh.

“How’s the leg?” Scott asked.

“It’s good. It’ll probably ache a little later, but it’s better than I’d hoped. Mostly it’s just being up and around for so many hours. I had too many weeks of sitting on my ass, watching television.”

“Says the guy sitting on his ass in front of the television,” Scott said, and they both laughed.

“How are
you
doing?”

“Fine.” That was going to be his party line for the foreseeable future. He was fine. Life was fine. Work was fine. Everything was fine.

Maybe if he repeated the lie often enough, it would eventually become the truth.

“You want to talk?”

Scott realized it was quiet and the other guys had all found someplace else to be. “Not really.”

Danny leaned his head back against the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “I’m your lieutenant. I’m your brother-in-law. I’m your friend. I get to worry about you from all different angles.”

“You heard what happened, then.”

Danny snorted. “Was that in question? If anybody should know you can’t keep a secret around here, it’s you.”

“Yeah. Nothing like embarrassing yourself in front of everybody.”

“Embarrassing yourself? Nobody’s laughing at you, Scotty.”

He snorted. “No, but they’re talking.”

“Of course they are. Number one, they all consider you a friend and nobody likes seeing you hurting. And nobody wants to say or do the wrong thing and set you off.”

“I’m not going to go off.” The only person he was mad at was himself.

“And I won’t lie to you. Everybody respects the hell out of Jamie Rutherford, so it also made them all a little uncomfortable.”

“Sorry to cause them discomfort.” He started to get up, but Danny put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him back.

“Scotty, don’t be a dick. As your friend, I just want to know if you’re okay. And as your LT, I want to know if you’re okay to be here or if you want to take some time off.”

Time off to what? Wander around his apartment and take stock of how empty his life was? To think about how full it had been for a few weeks before he’d thrown it all away? Maybe he could hit some clubs and hook up with somebody who could never be Jamie just to hate himself a little more.

“I need to work.” He said the words quietly, afraid to show just how badly he needed to be anywhere but alone at home. “I might even cover for some other companies. Lots of guys looking for some time off with summer coming.”

“If she was the one, you won’t be able to work hard enough to forget her,” Danny said. “That’s not how to fix this.”

“I’ll never forget her,” Scott said, clearing his throat when his voice almost betrayed him. “I just want to work hard enough to sleep at night.”

* * *

J
AMIE
COULDN
’
T
HANDLE
being in her apartment and she had no idea what to do about it. She’d already escaped the loneliness that seemed to echo through the place by going to Kincaid’s to see Lydia. She’d even done a few errands. But with hours stretching ahead of her, she was afraid she’d do nothing but flop on her bed and cry until she made herself sick.

She thought about reaching out to her family but, as much as she loved them, they wouldn’t give her what she needed and might even make it worse. There would be sympathy and gentle advice that would feel like empty platitudes. And she would cry, which would wreck her mother. Not being able to hug over the computer would be too hard.

Grabbing her car keys from the kitchen drawer, she put on her shoes and gave herself a pep talk before heading deeper into the city. She took a couple of wrong turns, almost went the wrong way down a one-way street, and got flipped the bird at least twice, but finally managed to land a parking space within walking distance of the pizza place Steph’s family owned.

When she walked inside, assaulted by the delicious aroma of food she had no appetite for, she was glad to see it wasn’t too busy. She might be able to steal Steph for a few minutes. Walking up to the counter, she smiled at Steph’s dad.

“Hi, Mr. Lawson. Is Steph around tonight?”

“She’s out back, chopping veggies,” he said.

Mrs. Lawson looked up from the pizza she was boxing and, after a look at Jamie, waved her around the counter. “I’ll take over for her for a few minutes. You girls go have a break for a little bit.”

She could have cried tears of gratitude for Mrs. Lawson’s
mom radar
, but she just smiled. “Thanks.”

When Steph looked up from the line of tomatoes she was slicing, her expression made Jamie laugh. “Hey, what are you doing here? Did you drive?”

“I drove. And your mom said she’d take over the veggies so we can visit for a few minutes.”

“If you’d told me you were coming this way, I would have tried to get somebody to cover for me.”

“It was kind of a last-minute, impulse thing.”

Steph looked at her, and then waved for her to follow. Winding through the busy kitchen, they dodged the three employees assembling orders and went into the break room. After closing the door behind them, Steph gestured for her to sit at the small table.

“What happened?” she asked. “You look exhausted and sad.”

“Scott and I broke up.”

“I’m sorry.” Steph tilted her head. “I hate to be dense, but wasn’t that the plan all along?”

“It was, but the plan fell apart when I fell in love with him.”

“Oh, honey.” She stood. “Hold on two seconds.”

It was more like two minutes, but since Steph came back carrying a big basket of French fries and a dish of cheese sauce, she forgave her. Jamie hadn’t thought she’d be able to eat anything tonight, but that was serious comfort food.

“Okay,” Steph said, once they’d each had a few fries dripping with cheese sauce. “Tell me what happened.”

Jamie told the story, starting with her chat with her mom, during which she’d decided to wait until they were no longer with the same company before figuring out if they had a future. And then she walked Steph through the fire and Scott disrespecting her authority in an attempt to keep her safe, despite the fact she knew exactly what she was doing.

Steph held up her hand, shaking her head. “He did that to you? What an asshole.”

It wasn’t until she heard the words come out of Steph’s mouth that Jamie realized why she’d come here. It wasn’t just visiting a friend so she wasn’t alone. She’d wanted somebody to be pissed off with her. Because she
was
pissed. She was hurt and sad and lonely, but she was also mad as hell at Scott.

“And then he told me he did it because he’s in love with me.”

Steph sat back in her chair, eyes wide. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. We were still on the scene with both companies right there.”

“He’s in love with you?”

“That’s not really the point.”

After dredging a fry in cheese sauce, Steph popped it into her mouth, frowning. Considering how long she chewed, Jamie knew she was just buying herself time to think.

“So you fell in love with him. And then he said he’s in love with you... And?”

“He said it in front of everybody,” Jamie clarified for her. “Even knowing how important it was to me to keep our personal and professional relationships very separate.”

“But he was scared for you.”

“And
that
is the point. He got scared for me and interfered with my job and then embarrassed me in front of guys under my command.”

“Because he loves you,” Steph pointed out. “Did he apologize?”

“Yes. And he brought me chocolate pudding.”

“Aw.” Jamie must have made a face because Steph straightened up and scowled. “He’s still an asshole, though.”

That made her laugh, but it was short-lived. “That’s the problem. He’s really not. He knows he screwed up, but it doesn’t change the fact he’d probably do it again. No matter what he says, his actions spoke louder than his words. And I’m not changing how I live my life.”

“I’m sorry, honey.” Steph slid the dish with the last bit of cheese sauce across the table to her. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to focus on being the best damn fire lieutenant that Ladder 41 has ever had.”

She said it hoping to lighten the mood, but Steph didn’t laugh. “You don’t think you can fix things with Scott? I mean, you love each other. Doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to be able to get through stuff together?”

“I’m not giving up my career and I can’t change who he is or how he feels about my job, so it’s better to recognize it won’t work now, rather than down the road.”

She said the words without her voice choking off, and she really believed them, but it would take time for her to accept that it was really over. They were done. Tears welled in her eyes and she swiped at them with her sleeve before they could fall.

“I’d get you a beer,” Steph said, “but you can’t drive for shit sober. I’m not giving you alcohol.”

“Hey! I’m a great driver. It’s this city. Nobody can drive in Boston.”

Steph snorted. “So it’s not you. It’s
all
of us?”

“Yes.” Jamie nodded. “I know you have to get back to work, but thanks for the talk. And the cheesy fries.”

“Why don’t you hang out and have some real food to eat? Once the late dinner rush is over, we’ll head to my place. Watch a movie. Drink some wine. You can crash on my couch.”

Jamie thought about how painful it was to think about Scott every time she walked into her apartment and knew she’d have to get over it at some point. But not tonight. “That sounds wicked awesome.”

“
Wicked
awesome,” Steph said, and then she laughed. “You’re starting to sound like us now, Jamie.”

“That’s okay. As long as I don’t start driving like you.”