Full Circle (13 page)

In May Lily recieved a joyful letter from Alice. She had given birth to a healthy baby boy. She named him Clive. Alice wrote that the baby, oddly enough, looked just like Jake. Everyone was overjoyed and Clive seemed to really like his nursery. Lily was happy for Alice, but she couldn’t help feeling a twinge of self-pity. Everything worked out wonderfully for Alice. She found a nice husband, lived in a place that was relatively safe and now had a beautiful baby that miraculously resembled a man who wasn’t even his father. Lily on the other hand, had no idea if her husband was dead or alive, had no baby and was living with her husband’s brother who was becoming more of a threat to her heart with every passing day. Not exactly a "Happily ever after”. Lily sighed and put the letter aside. She was being unkind and these thoughts were unworthy of her. Alice deserved to be happy and Lily would be happy for her. Her own life would fall into place once the war was over. At the moment it seemed like that day would never come.

Two weeks had passed since Lucy’s visit and Lily made every effort to stick to her decision. She made plans with Nell last Sunday to go to a concert at Albert Hall and Ian was a trifle hurt that he was left to his own devices. Lily felt secretly pleased that he was sulking, but she coolly told him to find someone else to spend the afternoon with and dashed off. She hoped her plan was working.

A week before Lily had gotten a letter from Lucy. She had been sent to a farm in Surrey with two other girls. They were to work for a couple named Thompson and Lucy spent an entire page giving her an inventory of all their livestock and outbuildings. She thanked Lily profusely for spending time with her in London and sent her warmest regards to Ian. She had neglected to mention in her letter that she had never told her parents she was coming up to London or enlisting in the Women’s Land Army and Lily had it from her mother that Maud was distraught at Lucy’s escape and Patrick was downright furious. There would be hell to pay when Lucy finally returned home. Lily mentally congratulated her for having more spirit than she gave her credit for and wished her good luck.

The day after the concert Ian left for work in a sulk, but he seemed in better spirits when he returned home in the evening. He volunteered to cook supper and they had a companionable meal in the kitchen. Since Ian cooked, Lily offered to do the clearing up and pushed him out of the kitchen into the parlor to listen to the latest broadcast on the wireless. She knew his knee was paining him and he needed to sit down and stretch out his leg. Lily was standing by the sink washing the dishes from their supper and humming a song that she had heard on the wireless. It was a happy little tune and it made her feel slightly more cheerful. She was putting the clean plates on the draining board when she realized that she needed a clean tea towel. Lily turned around to get one and found herself face to face with Ian. She hadn’t heard him come back into the kitchen and gave a startled yelp.

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Ian looked like he was going to be sick.

“Ian, what’s wrong?” Lily asked in alarm. She was afraid that they had received another telegram saying that they had recovered Nick’s body and he was officially listed as being dead, but quickly realized that she had gotten the post that afternoon and there was nothing there.

Ian just looked at her for a long moment as if trying to decide something and then Lily saw in his eyes that the decision had been made and before she had a chance to escape, he pushed her up against the sink and was kissing her with all the pent up ardor of a young man in love with his brother’s wife.

She could feel his heart hammering against her chest and his hardness pressing against her pelvic bones. He was trembling partly with desire and partly with nerves and she vaguely wondered how long he had been dying to do this. Lily’s mind was screaming at her to push him away and that this was wrong on so many levels, but her body was leaning into his and her lips were beginning to open in response to his tongue pushing its way into her mouth. Ian’s hands slid down to her behind and he pressed her closer to him rubbing against her suggestively. Lily felt herself responding to him and her arms involuntarily moved around his neck bringing his mouth even harder on hers. She felt Ian’s hand slide up her thigh and cup her between her legs before she came to her sense. Lily put her palms against his chest and gently pushed him away. His eyes were clouded with passion and Lily thought how easy it would be to let him make love to her.

Physically she wanted him as much as he wanted her, but she also knew that her desire was driven by different things. Ian was the closest thing she had to Nick and in her mind the two were almost interchangeable. Being with Ian was the closest thing to being with Nick, but allowing herself to be loved by him and touched by him would be a terrible betrayal.

“Ian, we can’t do this. You know we can’t. I am married to your brother and I love him. Where can this possibly lead to other than heartbreak for all of us?”

“I love my brother too, but he has been missing for quite some time and he might never come back.”

“And if he does? Will you just tell him that you had been playing house with his wife and then just step aside and expect him to pretend that nothing happened?” asked Lily in mounting frustration. “Ian, I have feelings for you too but I will not, I repeat, will not, betray Nick. I will wait until he either comes back to me or until I have been told with 100% certainty that he is lost to me forever. I will not dishonor him this way and I won’t allow you to either,” she replied panting. “You will never forgive yourself.” She was more nervous than she thought possible due to the look in Ian’s eyes. She expected guilt, a mumbled apology, but not anger.

“Look here, Ian. I know that you like the way things are. We are like an old, married couple eating supper together and listening to the wireless while you read the paper and I do the crossword, but we are not married. We are flat-mates and friends. We are not a couple. You need to go out there and find yourself a girl, someone who will love you for who you are and not for who you look like or remind her of. You need to find a love of your own,” she finished lamely.

Ian looked furious. He turned around and strode from the room knocking over a chair deliberately in his anger. Lily heard the door slam as he stormed out of the house and into the night. He was still out after midnight as Lily lay wakeful, clutching Nick’s pillow. “I love you and I will stay true to you until I either see you or know for sure that you are gone,” she whispered into the darkness.

Ian either never came back home or was already gone by the time Lily woke up and she hastily got ready for work. She didn’t bother to check the kitchen to see if his cup and plate were on the draining board. She couldn’t eat anyway and she really didn’t want to know if he had been there. She just wanted to get out of the flat and be at the office where the thunderous rattle of typewriter keys would drown out her thoughts and her terrible guilt. It was a glorious spring day and she decided to walk to the office. It would take her much longer, but she had enough time since she didn’t have to wait for the kettle to boil or make herself toast.

She needed the fresh air to clear her head and organize her thoughts. Lily was never one to sulk for long. She thought that being upset was a pointless emotion and the only way to deal with a situation was to outline the possible options and proceed. She would let Ian cool down and then they would talk this out and be friends again. If she felt that Ian wasn’t able to control his emotions or his desire for her, she would ask him to move out. He could always go back to his aunt and uncle until he found a suitable flat. She would hate to lose his friendship, but she couldn’t let things go any further between them. She would never forgive herself whether Nick came back or not and she prayed every day that he would.

Lily had a very long, tedious day at work and by the time she finally finished typing her last report she was drained. She sat for a moment staring at her typewriter almost expecting smoke to burst forth from the keyboard from the amount of typing she had done, then she slowly got up, picked up her handbag and headed for the door.

“Hey, Lil. We are going to the pub next door. Come with us for a drink,” called Nell. Lily was really tired, but the thought of seeing Ian wasn’t as appealing as a much deserved drink at the pub. It would give her courage to face him and steady her nerves.

“Be right there,” she called back to Nell and dashed for the loo. Lily quickly ran a comb through her hair, refreshed her lipstick and joined Nell and Jill in the hallway. They met up with a few more girls from other departments and headed to the nearby pub. The pub was filled to capacity with soldiers on leave and workers seeking a pint after a hard day. They had to walk a few blocks until they found one that had a table big enough for all of them and made their way to the polished bar to order their drinks. It was already growing dark outside by the time the burly bartender finally got their order straight and brought their drinks to the table.

The girls were just finishing their second round of drinks when they heard the wail of the air raid siren. “Oh, bugger it all! Don’t they ever give up?” Lily exclaimed as she rose to leave. They all rushed to the nearest bomb shelter and spent the next hour being squashed in the station of the Underground complaining bitterly about their unfinished drinks. Once the “all clear” finally sounded, they said a hasty goodbye and parted ways. It was getting late. Lily slowly walked home dreading the coming interview. She wondered if Ian was already at home and what state of mind he was in. Was he waiting for her to get home or was he dreading seeing her as much as she was dreading seeing him? Was he feeling guilty? She hoped he wasn’t still angry with her. She did the only thing she could have done. If things went further last night both of them would be feeling even more terrible today. She knew that once the passion cooled Ian would hate himself for what he had done and in the harsh light of morning he would see how sordid their fling had been.

Lily saw the glow of the flames long before she actually approached her block. She prayed that it wasn’t her house and that no one was hurt, but as she got closer her heart sank into her stomach. Flames were leaping out of the windows and there was a popping sound as a pane of glass exploded from the extreme heat in her flat. Faceless people were running around trying to put the fire out, their voices calling to each other in the shadows. The fire brigade had just gotten there and someone was screaming that there were people inside. She saw two firemen inch carefully into the building disappearing into the billowing smoke being belched from the front door.

Lily’s mouth had gone dry with fear and her heart was hammering inside her chest. She wanted to ask if anyone had managed to get out, but couldn’t find her voice. She looked around for Mrs. Graham who lived on the first floor and hardly ever left her flat. She was their landlady and she was a sweet old thing who lived in the past surrounded by sepia photographs of her husband and sons who perished on the Somme, all three in one day. Lily just leaned against a tree trunk and watched helplessly as two firefighters emerged dragging a stout figure between them. It was Mrs. Graham and they turned her over to a couple of medics who had arrived on the scene. She was coughing and shaking with fright, but otherwise she seemed all right. The medics were taking her blood pressure and giving her a cool drink to moisten her dry lips and singed lungs. Ian had probably not even been there. He was in some pub nursing a pint rehearsing a speech of apology. He would come home and they would be distracted from the awkwardness of their situation by the fact that they were now homeless and dispossessed.

She heard a cry from the onlookers as someone pointed at the broken window. An outline of a person could be seen in the dancing flames and two firefighters ran back into the house. Every moment that passed felt like a year to Lily who had slid to the ground next to the tree and was hugging her knees and crying soundlessly, her face contorted by grief. The person inside could only have been Ian. She thought she had seen him move, but he could not have escaped the conflagration unharmed. People were looking up, trying to see if rescue was in progress, but Lily closed her eyes, her lips moving in silent prayer. He had to survive. He would be burned, but they would take him to a hospital and treat him. It would be all right.

She heard the sound of a collective breath being expelled as the firemen emerged from the building. Just by the sound of the people around her she knew. She just knew. Someone called for a stretcher and she forced herself to open her eyes and confront the scene in front of her. The firemen were gasping for air, their faces black with soot and their clothes reeking of smoke. Ian was already laid out on the stretcher, but it was too late. Lily could see nothing but charred remains of what had been a beautiful young man until a few minutes ago. His face was a mask of burned flesh and the hand that hung from his side did not even resemble a human appendage anymore. He must have been trying to claw his way out using his hands to push aside the burning beams. She heard herself scream and then everything went dark.