Full Circle (46 page)

She wadded up the paper and threw it at him.
“I’ll admit that it took me a minute to understand what you meant.
I was like, we dance. We’ve danced plenty of times. And then the
light went on. You want to dance all those dances you danced with
Carol.” She was blowing up like a temperamental teenager, but she
was beyond giving a fuck. Her patience had run out. She was
completely tapped. “Carol, with her long legs and her perfect body
and her ability to captivate a room with one high kick. She’s who
you want. She’s the one you want to dance with. She’s the one you
were fucking last Saturday night. Not me.”

He shook his head, mouth gaping as if he
wanted to say something, but she didn’t give him time to speak
before continuing.

“That’s why you felt so awful about it, isn’t
it? Because you wanted it to be Carol you were in bed with, not me.
I was just a conduit. My body was just a vessel for you so you
could fuck Carol one more time.”

“Karma, no. That’s not—”

“No, Mark. Just stop.” She was sobbing now.
Tears soaked her cheeks and dripped from her nose. She sniffled and
wiped her face. “You’ve had your chance. Now it’s my turn.” Some of
her steam was gone, having already been expended. “I can’t compete
with Carol, so if she’s who you really want, I’m out.”

“I don’t want Carol.”

She sighed and stared down at her engagement
ring. “I want to believe you, Mark, but . . .” She
twisted the ring off her finger. “Ever since Christmas, you’ve been
telling me you’re not good enough for me. Every time something from
your past popped up, you tried to tell me that I deserved better.
And I kept telling you that you
are
good enough. That you
need to let
me
decide what I want.” She paused. “It’s like
you’ve always expected I would walk away, so you were testing me.
Seeking validation but all the while pushing me away.” She held out
the ring. “I love you, Mark, but I can’t keep validating you if
won’t believe me. And I can’t keep living like this when Carol is
always in the way. I can’t be your conduit to the past, anymore. I
want to be your future, not a reminder of what you once had.”

“Karma, please . . .” His
voice broke, and he refused to take the ring.

She breathed a shaky sigh and set her
engagement ring on his desk, next to his keyboard, and retrieved
her phone. “You need to keep this ring until you’re really ready,
Mark. Until you’ve dealt with whatever hold Carol has over you and
you’re ready to move forward with me.” She started for the
door.

His arm shot out and he grabbed her around
the waist, pulling her to him.

She gasped, and he swallowed the sound as his
mouth crashed down over hers.

And damn her traitorous body for reacting,
flaming to life and reaching for his. Her lips meshed perfectly
with his, as hungry for him as he seemed to be for her. She drank
him in, clutching his shirt, holding on not just with her body but
with her heart and soul, as well.

When he pulled away, his agonized eyes
searched hers. “You felt that, didn’t you?

She couldn’t answer, but she’d felt it
everywhere. She could still feel it.

“You did. I know you did.” He cupped her face
in one hand. Plaintive tears glistened his eyes. “Believe in that,
Karma. Believe in that feeling, because it’s real.” He tipped his
forehead to hers. “I love you. You love me. Isn’t that enough?”

“It
was
enough.” She sniffled as she
began to tear herself away. “But not anymore.” It took every ounce
of her resolve, but she pushed out of his embrace. “Getting married
was your idea, Mark.
You
proposed to
me
. You’re the
one who said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Now
you’re asking me why our love for one another can’t be enough?” She
brushed more tears from her cheeks. “So you don’t want to get
married, anymore?” She shook her head, trying to make sense of what
was happening. “Did you even want to give me that ring?”

“Of course I did.”

She thought back to that day on the beach.
The sun had been setting. It had been their last night in Saint
Lucia.

Their
last day
. Oh God, how had she
not seen this before?

Because, as with the running trail today,
she’d only been looking at Mark from one perspective. Now she was
looking at him from every angle, finally allowing herself to see
the truth.

“Then why did you wait until the last day of
our vacation to propose?”

His shoulders tensed. “Karma, don’t.”

“Why?” She saw the truth in his eyes. “You
were afraid, weren’t you? You meant to ask me sooner so we could
make Saint Lucia an engagement vacation. But you were too
scared.”

“Karma, please—”

“How many times did you want to propose to me
before that night? How many?” She was catching a second wind, her
anger rising once more. She felt so foolish.
So . . . cheap.

And yet she still loved him. Damn her heart’s
betrayal. She loved him, and she always would. But that didn’t mean
she wanted to be around him right now. She took a step toward the
door.

“Karma, you don’t understand.”

“No, I think I do.” Another step. “I bet
Carol didn’t have to wait for a proposal. I bet you just couldn’t
wait
to put that ring on
her
finger. But me? I just
get what’s left over, right? I always get the leftovers.” She
turned toward the door, gripping the handle.

“Karma, please don’t go.”

“I’m going to spend a few days at my parents’
house.” She fought not to cry as she opened the door and glanced
back at him, standing beside his desk, shocked anguish marring his
features. “I need a few days to think. I suggest you do the
same.”

With that, she hurried from his office,
nearly barreling over Lisa, who had remained outside Mark’s office
waiting for her. No doubt she’d heard everything.

“Karma?” Lisa raced after her as she ran to
the stairs.

She needed to get out of there. “Not now,
Lisa,” she croaked through another round of sobs.

“Will you just wait a minute!” Lisa caught up
to her on the sidewalk outside and grabbed her arm. “Give me thirty
seconds to grab my purse, and I’ll go with you. Okay? Just wait for
me. I don’t want you driving in this condition.”

She nodded, unable to speak for the tightness
in her throat as her gaze flitted around the parking lot.

Lisa disappeared inside, and a few seconds
later, Mark burst through the door.

She turned away.

“Please don’t do this, Karma. Don’t leave me.
You can’t. Oh God, Karma . . .
please . . .” He sounded like he was on the verge of
a global meltdown worse than anything she’d ever seen, but then
again, so was she. And he needed to know how it felt.

She kept her back to him, because if she
turned around, she would fling herself into his arms and hang on
like he was her very breath. “Don’t follow me, Mark. Just leave me
alone. I need some time.”

And so do you.

If she had any hope of everything being okay
ever again, she needed to see this through.

Lisa returned and pushed her toward her car.
“Let me handle this, Mark. I’ll make sure she’s okay.”

Lisa directed her into the passenger seat,
where she kept her head down, willing herself not to look back at
Mark.

“I’m taking you to my place,” Lisa said,
backing out of her space. “I’ve got lots of ice cream in the
freezer.”

Karma burst into uncontrollable sobs as they
pulled out of the parking lot, and she finally relented, turning to
see Mark still standing at the entrance, watching her drive
away.

Was he crying the way she had two summers ago
when she watched him drive away?

More importantly, would the two of them ever
get their relationship right?

She bowed her head, eyes squeezed shut, her
shoulders shaking. Only Mark could answer that question. Because it
was his past that stood in the way of their future. Until he dealt
with Carol, they didn’t have a chance.

* * *

Mark watched Lisa’s car disappear around the corner,
carrying away the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Oh God, what had just gone down here? Had
Karma left him? Had she just ended their engagement?

A painful throbbing sensation took up
residence in his chest. Like a heart attack only worse. How could
such emptiness hurt so much?

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, could
barely move.

Panic tightened his chest, and his stomach
rolled.

Shit!

He hurried inside to the men’s room and threw
up his lunch, retching over and over until every muscle protested
and all that came up was air as he dry-heaved into oblivion.

When he was finally able to walk again, he
practically dragged himself up the stairs to his office. His legs
were so weak, his body like lead.

Kit jumped up from her desk when she saw him.
“Mark . . . are you okay? Can I get you
anything?”

He shook his head. “Please clear my schedule
for the rest of the day, Kit. Thank you.” He shut his office door
without waiting for her single nod of understanding then collapsed
in his chair.

He’d fucked up. He’d waited too long to come
to his senses and he’d let her get away. His Karma. All because he
was too self-involved with the shit he’d been carrying around to
give her what she needed. As he rubbed his palms up and down his
face, his cell phone rang.

He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Didn’t want
to see anyone. He just wanted—

It was Carol’s number.

With renewed hope, he answered. “Carol?”

“Um . . . hi, Mark. We were
teaching a class when you called, so . . .
umm . . .”

“I need your help, Carol.” Every cell in his
body sprang to life, set to code red, working toward one goal: Get
Karma back.

And he knew Carol was the answer to making
that happen the way a meteorologist knows a hurricane is a fucking
big-ass storm.

“My help? Mark, are you okay?”

“No.” He shut down his computer and began
gathering his things, the sheet of crumpled paper, and the jewelry.
He paused and took a deep breath as he picked up Karma’s engagement
ring. His heart shuddered at the prospect he might not ever see it
on her finger again.

He couldn’t let that happen. He
would
put this ring back on her finger. Failure was not an option. And
Carol was the key.

“Carol, I need you to help me save my
marriage.”

Chapter 32

Sometimes you have to walk away and let karma take
over.

-Author Unknown

An empty Ben & Jerry’s container sat on the
coffee table beside a much lighter Kleenex box than it had been an
hour ago.

Karma had cried so much while relaying what
had happened with Mark that Lisa had retrieved a small metal waste
can from the bathroom so she could throw away her tear-soaked
tissues rather than pile them on the table.

But now she was both talked out and cried
out. Her eyes felt like they’d been rubbed with vinegar-soaked
Brillo pads, her face was puffy and hot, and her voice sounded like
she was Kim Carnes singing “Bette Davis Eyes,” one of her dad’s
favorite songs from back in the day.

Lisa took her hand. “Mark loves you,
Karma.”

“I know he does, but I just can’t do it,
anymore, Leese.”

“Maybe you misunderstood what he meant by
wanting to dance again. Maybe he wants to dance with
you
.”

“Then why didn’t he tell me? Why did he put
that on his list of things he was too scared to tell me then not
bring it up? He confessed everything else on that list, so why not
that? And why did he cross it off?”

Lisa shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because
he was worried about how you would react, because he knew you’d
make the connection to his past. Or maybe he just changed his
mind.”

She tossed another spent tissue into the
trash can. “Well, what about last weekend. What about that?”

“Do you have any proof that he was really
thinking about Carol while he was having sex with you?”

“No, but—”

“Then maybe he wasn’t.”

“But it makes sense, given everything
else.”

“Just because it makes sense doesn’t mean
it’s the only answer, or even the right one. You know how Mark is.
He’s the quintessential mystery man. Who knows what’s really going
on inside that complicated brain of his?”

Karma grabbed the Ben & Jerry’s pint then
plunked it back down when she remembered it was empty. “Why are you
defending him?”

Lisa huffed. “Karma, I just can’t believe
that the Mark we’ve come to know . . . the Mark who
is madly in love with you and has expressed his devotion to you in
so many ways, including tattooing your name over his
heart . . . who tread through fire and brimstone to
come back to you . . . would still be holding a
flame for the woman who jilted him. Think about it. He’s revealed
all these deep dark secrets to you. Things he’s never told anyone
else, not even his best friend. Isn’t that what you said?”

Karma didn’t like this shock logic Lisa was
tossing at her. “Yes.”

“Okay, so do you think he would confess all
that to you if he didn’t love you? And not just love you, but love
you more than he’s ever loved anyone? So much so that you’re the
only person he trusted to reveal that stuff to?”

Chagrined, Karma sank into the couch,
crossing her arms. “I guess.”

“So let’s look at what might really be going
on here. What do we know about Mark? We know that he’s a damn
stubborn control freak.” Lisa began ticking items off on her
fingers. “He’s an internalizer. He internalizes
everything
,
right? He also keeps everything close to the vest, revealing very
little about himself. He takes responsibility for things out of his
control. For example, he blamed himself for Carol leaving him, when
that was all on Carol. Mark takes things personally at a deep
level. To him, dancing again could be symbolic for something far
different than what you and I consider dancing. Why? Because that’s
just how Mark is. He’s profound, mysterious, and more sensitive
than he lets on. I know this, because
you
know
this . . . because you tell me these things all the
time.”