Frozen Music (36 page)

Pernilla had gone back to her place after her walk, but she returned in time for dinner. We were already seated on the deck when she blew in, all dressed in white, lovely and fragile-looking like Blanche Dubois
in just the right light. I remembered someone telling me that Marilyn Monroe in the flesh had exuded such radiance that it was as if someone had shoved a light bulb up her bottom. As Pernilla threw herself down in the chair next to Kerstin (opposite Linus), I half expected to hear the sound of crushing glass.

The mackerel was delicious and we lingered as the sun began its slow drop into the sea. It got chilly, and cardigans and pullovers were donned in reverse striptease against the backdrop of the fort and the darkening summer sky. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the clear cool air.

‘That's good,' Kerstin said, nodding so vigorously that I thought she was going to send her teddy-bear earrings flying right into her cup. ‘Deep breathing is near the top of my list of tips for staying alive and well.'

‘And number one?' I asked. ‘Is that the one about not falling under a bus?' It was a churlish remark, but I had just spotted Pernilla leaning her head against Linus's shoulder. I don't know why that should have upset me, but somehow it did.

‘Or not have a dime coin fall on your head from the top of the Empire State Building,' Ivar chimed. ‘Because that will certainly kill you.' As we all looked at him he added, ‘The Empire State Building is in New York.' Misunderstanding the question on our faces.

‘You know such a lot for someone so young,' I said to him.

‘I'm very advanced for my age,' he managed through a mouthful of ice-cream. ‘One of my teachers said.'

‘Not to your face.' Ulla looked shocked.

‘To another teacher,' Ivar explained. ‘Miss Bjork said to Miss Nilsson that I was nosy so Miss Bjork said that I was very advanced for my age.' At the tick-tack sound of a hedgehog rustling through the tall grass he put down his spoon and slid from his chair in pursuit, crawling under the table between our legs and out the other side.

‘Children are so natural,' Pernilla said, stretching in her chair. She alone had not wrapped up. I wouldn't have either if I had been dressed in a tiny white shift dress that left acres of tanned and shapely limbs exposed to the soft evening light.

Ivar was put to bed, carried, half asleep already, in his father's arms up to his blue-and-white room. We finished our coffee. Kerstin leant back in her chair and gesticulated up at the star-strewn night sky and at the white roses shining like mini moons. ‘Do you really think anything could be better than this? I mean, are you serious about selling up?'

‘I'm afraid so,' Bertil said. ‘Each place has its time and now it's time for Olivia and me to move on.'

‘I know what you mean,' Gerald agreed. ‘When Kerstin here was a little girl her mother refused to live anywhere other than the country. But once we had a teenager on our hands and my dear Marie knew that time was running out for her, she couldn't wait to move back into town, the more central the better. With Marie it was as if she had this sudden need to see everything and do everything. Time spent getting to and from a place was time wasted.'

‘That is a completely different situation,' Ulla snapped. ‘The point is, when you get older and your health isn't what it used to be, you should be near civilisation, among your own kind. Just look at how quickly we got medical attention, and dear Dr Blomkvist being on hand at all times.'

‘One tummy upset does not an invalid make,' Bertil said. ‘And anyway, who said we'd be isolated? They do have doctors in France, you know.'

‘It's not the same, being ill abroad.'

‘I do wish you'd stop going on about being ill.' Bertil frowned. ‘All I've had is a bout of stomach trouble and you seem to be willing it to be something worse.'

‘That's a bit unfair, darling.' Olivia smiled at him. ‘She's concerned for you, that's all. It might just have been a bout of tummy trouble but it gave us quite a fright, all the same.'

‘What about a night swim?' Pernilla turned to Linus who had returned from putting Ivar to bed. I had taken off my grey cardigan and now I pushed up my sleeves, all in the deluded hope that moonlight became me. Pernilla shot me a glance over her shoulder. ‘Don't,' she said with a melodious little laugh. ‘It makes me shiver just looking at you, all those goose-pimples.'

‘Goose-pimples? I'm not cold.' I too laughed, but maybe not quite so melodiously.

‘You want a swim, you shall have a swim,' Linus said to Pernilla. ‘It's such a lovely night, we should take the boat.'

‘I'll join you.' Kerstin got up, taking her cup and saucer with her. ‘I need to give my body a little wake-up call.'

‘Why?' Olivia asked. ‘Where is it going?'

Kerstin ignored her. ‘Are you coming, Esther?'

I hesitated. Linus and Pernilla probably wanted to be on their own. I was about to say no, when Pernilla turned to me with a little smile. ‘You're not very decisive, are you, Esther?'

‘I'd love to come,' I said.

If Pernilla was disappointed she didn't show it, she just put her slender hand on Linus's arm and smiled. ‘I always make my mind up just…' she snapped her fingers ‘… like that. I simply trust my instincts.'

‘I used to be very decisive,' I said, trying to snap my fingers but managing only a sweaty little thud. Pernilla looked as if she was waiting for me to elaborate so I added, ‘But circumstances led me to view every decision as a stack of dynamite waiting to be lit.'

‘So boom!' Pernilla said, clapping her slender hands together, just as Kerstin appeared with a stack of towels.

‘I did,' I said. ‘And believe me, the reality of booming is a lot less fun than the idea. I mean if you've ever had your neighbour's arm practically draped across your shoulders…'

Linus held the gate open for us and I followed Kerstin and Pernilla out on to the street. ‘What's wrong with having your neighbour's arm draped round you? You mustn't be so, so…' She searched for the English expression. ‘So tight-assed.' She took Linus's hand and pulled his arm up round her shoulders where it stayed. I stared at it, and at the strong hand with its long fingers, transfixed.

‘Nothing, really,' I said. ‘It's just that in this instance the arm wasn't attached to the neighbour.'

‘Oh, my God.' Pernilla put a hand up to her throat.

Squeeze, I thought. Why don't you squeeze? I was never a good-natured drunk and I had had at least five glasses of wine.

Pernilla seemed to feel the need to change the subject. ‘Kerstin, what were those rules for a long life you talked about earlier?' she asked.

‘An intake of at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Regular exercise and
not
smoking.'

I fished out a cigarette from my navy-blue canvas shoulder-bag and lit it.

‘Very funny, I'm sure.' Kerstin shook her head at me. ‘But you won't think it so amusing when you lie in a hospital ward breathing through a tube in your throat.'

‘Are you listening, Esther and Linus?' Pernilla wagged her finger playfully. ‘Not that you smoke that much, Esther.' She sounded almost regretful.

I didn't answer. I was thinking that I liked the sound of our names being linked, even if it was only as smokers: Esther and Linus. Linus and Esther.

‘I agree with you about the exercise,' Linus said. ‘I mean when did you last see a corpse in the gym?'

Kerstin said something sniffy in Swedish. I recognised the word idiot. It was the same word in Swedish but they emphasised the last syllable, idi
oot
. It sounded sorrowful somehow, as if they regretted the fact as well as deploring it.

Down by the harbour Linus leapt on board the boat, his feet landing on the deck with a barely audible thud. Pernilla jumped after him, landing gracefully, one leg raised slightly behind her as she steadied herself against Linus's outstretched arm. I peered at the gap between the quayside and the boat. With a small sigh I sat down and slid on my bottom until Linus reached my arm and dragged me on board. Kerstin made it by herself, but even her staunchest admirer would not have called her graceful. We travelled along on the still sea, watching the island lights disappear behind us. The world was silent apart from the chug-chugging of the engine. Linus stood at the stern, the tiller in his hand. Kerstin was sitting right up at the front holding a lantern. The light around us was blue, that was the colour of the Swedish summer nights: dark blue. The sea was calm. I had noticed
that often, even after a choppy day, it stilled at night as if it needed a rest from all that pounding of rocks and of boats. It was a sleepy sea we travelled across.

Pernilla lifted her face to the star-strewn sky. I wished I had brought my cardigan. Kerstin turned and smiled at me. ‘You're not very athletic.'

There wasn't a lot I could say to that. I could try an ‘Oh yes I am', but that would be an obvious lie. I said nothing and forced myself to smile back at her.

‘You should go to a gym or something.'

‘I do. Well, I did.'

‘Really?'

‘There are no boats there, though. Not in my gym.'

Linus steered us towards a small rocky island called The Crows. He manoeuvred alongside the rock and Kerstin, taking the rope attached to the front of the boat, leapt ashore. Pernilla was searching for the rubber hammer, and the metal pins that would be knocked into a crevice before Kerstin could tie up.

‘Here,' Pernilla handed the hammer and pins to me. ‘Take those ashore, will you? I'll do the anchor.'

I clambered up on to the bow of the boat and stood up.

‘Coming, Esther?' Kerstin called.

I turned with a quick glance at Pernilla and then, with the hammer and pegs in my left hand, I leapt. I felt the freedom of flying through the air and the hard rock side scraping my legs as I fell into the water.

I surfaced to hear anxious voices calling my name. Hands were stretched out towards me and within seconds I was hauled back on to the boat. Pernilla draped a towel round my shoulders and Linus asked if I was all right. I nodded, shivering in the night air. I attempted a laugh but to my horror it turned into a sob.

‘We should take Esther back home,' Linus said.

‘No, no, I'm fine. We came to swim after all.' I had managed to steady my voice.

‘No.' Pernilla put her hand on Linus's arm. ‘You're right. We should go back. We can swim another evening.'

‘Make up your minds,' Kerstin called from the shore.

We went back. I sat hunched on the polished wooden seat feeling like the child who's been sick and ruined the party for everyone. They were all very nice about it, of course. ‘It can happen to anyone,' Pernilla said.

‘Has it happened to you?' I asked hopefully.

She told me that no, it hadn't, actually.

Linus and Pernilla walked me to the cottage door. As I closed it behind me I heard Pernilla say, ‘Let's go and swim off the steps. It's such a beautiful evening it would be a shame to spoil it completely.' Looking out of my bedroom window I could see them wander off towards the gate, arm in arm. I stayed staring out into the night long after Linus's back had disappeared from view.

‘How long are you planning to stay?' Ulla asked as we bumped into each other outside the bathroom. I was on my way in and so was she, coming up behind me like a revved-up old Austin with her huge sponge-bag before her like a bumper.

‘The doctors think that Audrey will be fit to travel in a couple of weeks or so,' I said, backing out of her way. She overtook me in the doorway and turned, triumphant.

‘Oh, Ulla.'

‘Yes?'

‘How old was Linus when his mother died?'

She didn't look surprised at the question. ‘Seven,' she said.

‘Seven? I always thought he was much younger.'

‘Well, he wasn't. He was seven.' She closed the door in my face and seconds later the shower was turned on.

I sat with Olivia and Ulla on the deck, finishing my breakfast. I had left Audrey listening to the radio, a look of suffering on her face and a breakfast tray on her knee. Just as I was about to ask Olivia about Astrid's death, Linus came out on to the deck with Ivar in tow.

‘Have you seen your father this morning?' Olivia asked him.

Linus shook his head. ‘He wasn't there when I woke up so I assumed he'd gone for one of his walks.'

Olivia poured Ivar out a bowl of sour milk and Rice Krispies, and patted the empty chair next to her. ‘You come and sit here with me, darling.' Ivar, dressed in khaki-coloured shorts and a matching T-shirt and with one of Kerstin's ‘piggy' hair slides holding back his blond fringe, walked round the table, running his hands along the table top on his way, and slipped on to the chair.

‘If I were Bertil', Ulla said, ‘I'd take every opportunity there was to walk around this heavenly place.' She gesticulated towards the gate and the road to the harbour beyond. Then Gerald appeared around the corner, hurrying towards us with his stiff-legged old-man's gait. He looked flustered and spoke to Linus in Swedish. Linus got up from the chair and followed Gerald back down the garden towards the shed.

‘What was that all about?' Olivia shook her head.

Ivar said in a loud voice but no one seemed to hear – that was often the way with children; the louder they spoke the less one seemed to hear them – ‘I need some paper to draw a house.' He used English as Swedish hadn't worked.

‘In a minute, darling,' Olivia said.

‘But I need it now.'

‘If you ask me…' Ulla began and was instantly interrupted by Ivar.

‘Have
you
got some paper I can have?' he demanded, but was silenced by a glare from Ulla. He sighed theatrically, shrugging his skinny shoulders. ‘You said to ask you…' he complained.