Frozen Hearts (5 page)

"Hey, Erik," Lindy said.

"Yeah?"

He lowered his head and kicked at an imaginary rock. "I just want you to know that I support you no matter what."

"Uh, thanks, Lindy," I said, patting him on the back. I wasn't sure what he meant by that statement so I left it alone.

"Marshy's going to text me if you guys need me again. He says he lost his buzz and will be okay to drive."

"Thanks again, Lindy," I said and shook his hand.

When I walked into our apartment, I headed straight for my room, ignoring Arielle's pointed looks.

"Shit," I said when the hot water hit my bruised and battered body. I tried shutting everything down, to ignore the bombardment of feelings rushing through my body. If I allowed myself to think about him, I might never come up for air again. I still wanted him. It had been easier to bury those feeling if he wasn't around. When I came back home after high school to go to school here, I stayed away from all our old haunts. I didn't ask questions about him, because if I knew where he was, I feared I would go after him. I soon learned it didn't matter the place, he would always be embedded in my memories.

It happened at odd and unexpected times. It could be something as simple as the way a player adjusted his jersey or the sound of a stick tapping on the ice that jarred a memory of him loose. Any outdoor rink, especially the one near my parents' home, would send me hurtling down memory lane.

One evening, after a huge blow out with Rochelle, I grabbed my skates and ran all the way to that fucking rink. I sat in the warming house until all the kids had cleared out and the attendant shut the outdoor lights off. He frowned at me and told me he was locking up. I scowled at him and stepped outside, waiting for the roar of his car to disappear.

The moment my blades touched that sacred piece of ice, I was lost in Tyce. I'd never felt so alone in my entire life. I was always surrounded by people, but none of them knew me and I realized I didn't want them to know the real me. That part of me was only for him.

Beneath the star filled sky, I raged and cried and remembered and wondered how I could have ever let him go. I stayed on the ice until the feeling in my feet disappeared and my face and hands were frozen in one position. At five o'clock in the morning, I called Dix and begged him to come pick me up. He never asked any questions and I never volunteered any answers.

I dressed quickly and tried to compose myself but when I opened my bathroom door the sight in front of me almost drove me to my knees. Tyce stood at my dresser, wrapped only in a towel. His damp blond curls rested against his neck and the muscles in his back rippled as he pulled open a drawer, grabbing a pair of my black boxer briefs. I tried to sneak back into the bathroom, but crashed into the wall.

Tyce turned. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, holding the underwear against his bare chest and fisting the edge of the towel with the other hand. "Arielle showed me where your room was and told me to get dressed."

"It's fine, Tyce, I'll just… take whatever you need… fuck," I stammered and backed into the wall again.

He fumbled with the underwear, hurriedly sliding them on before he dropped the towel and reached for a shirt from my open closet. He quickly grabbed a pair of jeans.

"Take the black ones instead," I said. "They'll fit you better."

"Thanks," he mumbled as he closed the last button on the shirt. I knew it was obvious I was staring at him, but it was hard not too watch as he yanked my jeans up his thighs.

"Socks are in that drawer," I said, pointing.

He nodded and sat on the bed to finish getting dressed.

"You need shoes," I joked.

"No, I'm good, thanks," he said. He stared at his hands, fidgeting with a black band on his wrist.

"Tyce?" I said. "Is that…?"

"I should go," he said as he yanked on the sleeve to cover the band.

"Wait, is…"

"I can't do this," he whispered.

"Please don't go," I said and slid down the wall, burying my face in my hands.

"I have to," he said.

His fingers wrapped around the doorknob and before I could stop myself, I leaped to my feet and grabbed his arm, spinning him around. I leaned into him, inhaling his scent.

"Fuck," Tyce said. "Why?"

"I don't know," I lied, mumbling into his collarbone.

"Fuck you, Erik," he snapped and shoved me away. "I want to hate you so bad, but I can't. I never could. I was so fucking pissed and hurt when you left. You never said goodbye or tried to call me. You moved on and I died here."

I gasped. "I never moved on. I was forced. It was all a big fat lie created by my dad. He didn't want his faggot son to embarrass him. He scripted my entire life," I shouted. "Until now."

His blue eyes blazed with anger.

"You don't know what it was like Erik. I missed you. Arielle was my only link to you but at the same time it was pure fucking torture to be friends with her. You guys have the same fucking eyes and sometimes when I looked at her, I saw you—only it wasn't you."

His beautiful face crumpled and my heart shattered. I had hurt him so much.

"At least you had someone. All I had were memories and a bucket of fucking lies to hide behind."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. My hand automatically reached for him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, moving closer to him until I touched my forehead to his. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey," Arielle shouted, banging on my door. "Erik? Tyce?"

Tyce jumped away from me and threw open the door, walking into the hallway. "I gotta go. This is too much," he said. I didn't know if he was speaking to me or to Arielle.

"Tyce, wait," she shouted and ran after him. I stood frozen until the front door slammed. When I wandered into the living room, Arielle went ballistic.

"What did you do?" Arielle screamed in my face. "Are fucking crazy?"

"Did you really think this would end well?" I asked. She slapped me across the face.

"Fuck, will everyone please quit hitting me in the face!"

"You're an asshole, Erik. I need to go find him before he does something stupid."

Arielle shoved me aside and raced out of the apartment. Marshy shook his head. "I'm going after her."

The door slammed again and I dropped to the couch. Dix came in from the kitchen with a couple beers and sat down next to me.

We drank in silence. After we downed two beers, Dix popped a third and handed it to me. "Should we do something?" he asked.

"Like what?"

"Call them? Go after them?"

"No one wants to see me and I'm not so sure I want to see them either. I keep getting punched in the face."

"You deserved the last one," Dix said.

"Yeah, maybe I deserved them all, but it doesn't mean I have to enjoy getting smacked around."

Dix shook his head and nursed his beer. "Tell me about him."

I pretended I didn't hear what he said, concentrating on the beer in my hand. There was condensation dripping down the can so I watched a few of the drops slide down the side of the can.

"Foxy," Dix said, elbowing me in the side.

I grunted.

"It's him isn't it?"

"Who are you and what have you done with Dix?"

"Maybe right now, you're talking to Derek, your friend, and not Dix, the hockey player." He rolled his eyes.

"How much have you had to drink?"

"Fuck you, Foxy. Besides, I know I'm right. I've never, in the three years I've played hockey with you, seen you light up on the ice like you did this afternoon when he was out there with you."

My shoulders sagged. "That obvious, huh?"

"You two were mesmerizing. I would have liked to seen you play an actual game together," he said. "Tell me."

"It's not that easy, Dix. I've never talked about him with anyone."

"So start now," he said, grinning at me.

"It's been five years. I don't really know him anymore. I know a memory."

Dix snorted. "It didn't look like that to me. There was something between you two."

"I thought it was only me until I saw… I don't know what I'm talking about." I paused and stared at Dix. He gave me a goofy smile and handed me another beer. At some point, he'd dragged a cooler into the living room so we didn't have to keep running into the kitchen to replenish our drinks. "I can't believe I'm talking to you about this." I groaned.

"A guy." He chuckled.

"Stop it, Dix."

"What? You've listened to me ramble on about women. The least I can do is listen to you." He shrugged. "I should have figured something was up with you. You never talked about Rochelle or any of the other women you were with. I suppose everyone thought you were a gentleman. We all bragged about our girlfriends, our one-night stands or the blow jobs after a game and everything else in between."

"One of Rochelle's roommates mentioned a rumor? Were there rumors about me?"

He sighed and tapped my beer can. We both drank until our cans were empty. He crushed his and grabbed us another.

"A couple," Dix said.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Does it matter?" Dix asked.

"I guess not," I said.

"Talk, Foxy, maybe it will give you some answers or at least some fucking relief. You're wound pretty tight and don't worry, I have heard it before. My cousin is gay and he talks to me all the time. What did you see?"

"It's crazy really, but I'm pretty sure he's still wearing a bracelet I gave him. This whole day has been nuts. I haven't seen him up close and personal for five fucking years then out of the blue, I find out he's friends with Arielle and she shoves him in my face.

"I turn down a pro contract and suddenly I'm back on the ice playing hockey with someone who I never thought would have anything to do with me and we sort of fall into step with each other." I stopped to a take another drink and deep breath. "I don't know what to do or what to think, Dix?"

"Maybe you shouldn't think about it so much. You're so fucking clinical with everything."

"Old habit. It was easier on me not to let on that I cared about anything. It was the only way I could survive without him," I gasped.

"See, Foxy," Dix said. "Talking does help. You still feel something for him."

I snorted and rolled my eyes, muttering under my breath. "Always have, always will."

Dix prodded me some more, asking all sorts of questions and I answered most of them. He laughed with me, questioned my intelligence, and shook his head a lot when I talked about my parents.

"That's fucked up, Foxy. My dad was just thrilled that he didn't have to pay for college."

"I love hockey, but I'm not going to live a fucking lie to play a game."

"I think you're giving it up to toss it in your old man's face."

"Maybe."

There wasn't much chance for me to think about Dix's statement because the door crashed open and Marshy came stumbling in followed by my absolutely pissed off sister.

"I can't fucking find him. He won't answer my phone calls, texts, or emails, Erik," Arielle screamed.

She threw her purse at me, but missed me, hitting Dix in the shoulder.

"Fuck, Arielle," Dix said. "Calm down."

"That's what I've been telling her for the last two hours. My buzz is fucking gone again and you two look happily drunk. Tonight was supposed to be fun," Marshy said, scowling at Arielle.

"Blame Erik," she said.

"No, don't blame me."

"I don't know where to look for him," she said, dragging out her phone to check for a text or missed call.

Marshy put his arm around her and she leaned into him. Oh Christ, my sister was fucking dating a hockey player and from the looks of it, this wasn't a new thing. His nose was buried in her hair and she was tucked under his arm like it was home. Oh fuck, they were probably sleeping together. Arielle's sex life was the last thing I needed to be thinking about. I needed to erase those thoughts from my mind and focus on finding Tyce before Arielle killed me.

"Arielle, did you look at the park by Mom and Dad's house?" I asked. It was a long shot, but Tyce was upset and I was the reason. Why not go back to where it all started? It's where I would go.

"Why would I look there? It's all the way across town and he's on foot… Oh… Let's go," she snapped and grabbed my arm, trying to pull me off the couch.

"I'm the last person he's going to talk to," I growled.

"Stop being an asshole, Erik," she said. "I gave you the perfect opportunity to talk to him and you totally blew it."

"I never asked… Fuck you," I snapped.

Arielle gritted her teeth and came at me. For a moment I thought she was going to haul off and hit me again, instead she squished in between me and Dix on the couch. "It's not going to be easy. He's still hurting, but, Erik, this may be your last chance."

"It's not that simple." I frowned.

"Nothing ever is with you," she said. "But he's worth it. Erik, you're such a smart guy but at times you can be the stupidest fuck on the planet. I know you still…"

I put my hand over her mouth before she could say the words out loud. Marshy didn't look well. All this guy talk was overwhelming him.

"I can't force him to listen to me," I snapped.

"If you think he's worth it, then you need to try harder."

We had a stare down that lasted for hours or at least it seemed that way. She finally pinched me and I blinked.

"I can't drive," I said. "I've been drinking way too much."

Marshy groaned when Arielle batted her eyelashes at him. "Fuck. Fine, let's go," he said.

"Can I come too," Dix asked. "As moral support for Foxy."

"Fine, but it's not going to be pretty," I warned.

It took us fifteen minutes to find our coats and slam another beer. I wasn't going into this anywhere near sober. Arielle scowled at me. I'm sure she wanted to smack me upside the head again, but Marshy held her hands and wouldn't let her come near me. He kept giving me quick sideways glances. He was probably searching for my approval or at least making sure that I wasn't going to tear his balls off for hiding this from me.

Marshy shoved Dix and me into the back seat and listened closely to Arielle's directions to the park. I sank down into the seat and folded my arms over my chest. I just didn't know how this situation could turn out good. Tyce was so pissed.