Frost on My Window (11 page)

“A month, I think.”

“One month. That’s a lot of time.”

“Trust me, it’ll pass quickly. Now, raise him up a little and gently pat him on the back.”

Lance gave me a look filled with uncertainty, and I couldn’t help smiling. “You can do it. He won’t break, but he will cry.”

When Michael let out a loud burp, the grin that spread across Lance’s face stretched from the Bronx to Staten Island. You would have thought the man had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl.

“Now why don’t you lay Michael down on the bed and put some pillows around him in case he rolls over.”

“Do I lay him on his back or on his stomach?”

“Put him on his stomach so he won’t choke in case he spits up again.”

“Then what do I do?” he asked.

I groaned. “First, take out the garbage and get a maid.”

“I’ve already got one. She comes on Monday.”

“Then you need to extend the contract to three days a week. Before all that, you need to go down the street, get baby supplies and food. There’s nothing but beer, mold and frozen French fries in your refrigerator, Lance. You’re a father now. I think it’s time you started living like one.”

After he’d gone I started cleaning the apartment. I thought about how easily those earlier words had rolled off my tongue.
You’re a father now
. I wanted more than anything to just watch little Michael sleep, but I walked out of that bedroom and started cleaning. I’d finished with the living room by the time Lance unlocked the front door. I watched as he came in followed by two delivery boys with bags of groceries.

“Did you buy the whole store?” I asked while helping him put the groceries away.

“Nope, but I got enough bonus points to pick up an eight-person gourmet meal for Thanksgiving,” Lance boasted.

I just looked around the bag-littered kitchen floor and fought to keep the hysterical laugh in my throat.

We took our time in the quiet kitchen. I threw away the expired boxes of Frosted Flakes and filled the empty shelves with canned goods. After I finished putting the last cans of spinach and green peas in the cabinet, I felt Lance’s hand on my shoulder. I allowed him to pull me into his arms and I was enveloped with his scent of talcum powder and cologne.

I finally saw Lance not as the boy he had been but the man he’d become and I could have slapped myself. All that time spent waiting, hoping, dreaming for a person who only existed in my memories. I’d thought I’d always want to be in his arms, but at that moment it wasn’t Lance’s arms I wanted wrapped around me. I wanted Sean, and that knowledge washed over me like a bucket of ice-cold water. History just kept repeating itself. Here I was again wishing for a man I could only have in daydreams and fantasies, wanting to have somebody else’s arms to catch me instead of my own.

Chapter 12

I woke up Sunday morning with a runny nose, red eyes, and a headache. The wonderful day I’d spent with Sean seemed a decade ago. I could barely remember the smell of the orchids and the perfect day Sean and I had shared. Turning over and getting out of bed was the hardest thing in the world.

I’d have lain there all day with the blinds closed and the sheet pulled up to my neck if Simba hadn’t started his meowing. Damned cat sounded like he hadn’t had a meal in weeks. I knew that if I didn’t get up and pour him a bowl of his veterinarian-prescribed kitty food, the Himalayan next door would join in the yowling and then there’d be hell to pay for disturbing the Sunday morning peace.

I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to my mother even though I knew what she’d say. “You need to have your behind in church and not in the bed. Your father and I didn’t raise no heathens.”

But she and Pop were lying on lounge chairs in the Caribbean. I knew they’d be partying all night and playing shuffleboard in the morning before hopping off the cruise ship for a day filled with shopping and guided tours.

“Got a problem. Talk to the Lord.” Mom’s words echoed in my head. I’d talked to the Lord all last night. My tears and sobs sent out a plea for guidance or a little peace from the haunting specter of being alone for the rest of my life. Everybody except me seemed to have someone.

* * *

One of the things I loved best about my job was the ability to work from home. I’d just finished sketching out a new web page design when the clock struck five. The muted sound of children playing drifted through the open windows. The hard rain last night had washed away the humidity and pollen. Looking down at the smooth interface and well-positioned web bar, I smiled. All it needed now was content and color. By the time the web designers finished with it, the homepage would practically jump off the screen.

I was just clearing the table when the doorbell rang. Sighing, I pushed the chair back and stood up. The last thing I needed was company. Rounding the table, I walked through the living room, undid the bolt, and opened the door. Sean stood there wearing an old pair of jeans and a white tee shirt.

“I come bearing gifts,” he announced, holding up two plastic bags.

“What kind of gifts?” I asked, trying not to smile.

“I bring you Singapore noodles and white chocolate raspberry ice cream.”

“Okay, you can come in.” I stepped aside, waving him into the room. I followed Sean into the kitchen and watched as he put the ice cream into the freezer.

I pulled out two glasses and filled them with ice cubes and sweet tea. “So what’s the occasion?” I asked after we both sat down at the table and started eating.

“Rena called me.”

My grasp loosened on the chopsticks and I dropped a baby shrimp.

“She told me you sounded a little down on the phone when she talked to you earlier this morning.”

“I’m fine,” I denied.

“Really?” he questioned.

“No,” I replied honestly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, now that you’re here,” I answered, not really wanting to get into to it.

“Don’t want to talk about it, Leah?”

“Not really. Maybe later,” I suggested, taking a sip of tea and hoping that later would never come.

* * *

An hour later, after filling myself with noodles and ice cream, I almost felt like myself again.

“What’s that?” Sean asked as he came back into my bedroom. I stopped in the process of putting my latest reading club selection back on the bookshelf.

“Nothing.” I turned, holding the book behind my back.

“Okay.” He smiled and took three steps closer to me.

“Everything all right with the group?” I asked about the phone call he’d just taken from Mike, his manager.

“Yep,” he replied in an offhand manner. Before I could ask another question, his arm snaked behind mine and grabbed my book.

“Give it back.” I tried to keep the humiliated panic out of my voice.

I cringed as he opened the book to where my bookmark lay and started to read.
“Women are like undiscovered countries to a man. Men want to be explorers. A woman must always be a mystery on the horizon, an idea unknown that whispers to him of places unseen and treasures not yet unearthed. He must take care to travel in her world for he knows not where the journey leads, forest or desert, hostile or welcoming. As he attempts to draw her, put ink to paper and map her hills, rivers and valleys, she must always remember to keep a part of herself distant. Give no aid for he must be a man, strong and independent so that he might continue on his journey, ever thoughtful and intrigued no matter what trials and tribulations might fall upon his path…”

My cheeks burned. “Great. You can read. Now may I have my book back?”

Grinning, Sean shook his head. “You don’t need this. You’re a beautiful, self-assured, intelligent, overall wonderful woman.”

He held on to the book and I just gave up and headed for the door. “I’m thirsty.” I tossed over my shoulder. “Would you like some more iced tea?”

“That would be good. Thanks.”

I watched as he made himself comfortable in my chair and fought the urge to smack him as he continued reading.

I walked back into my bedroom with the glasses just as he was finishing a conversation on his cell phone.

I handed him the tea. Sean set the book on the nearby bookcase shelf and looked at me. His green eyes were serious.

“Leah, why don’t you let me get close to you?”

I almost tripped. Where the hell had that come from? I gingerly took my seat on the edge of the bed. I could feel a headache beginning to start in the middle of my forehead. The last thing I needed was for Sean to start asking questions I didn’t want to answer.

I gave him a sideways glance. “Sean, we’re best friends. We couldn’t be any closer without being joined at the hip.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said.

I stood up to place the glass on the nightstand and picked up Sean’s toy.

“New cell phone? Does this one let you access the Internet?”

Sean’s last cell had been an all-black flip. This one was shiny silver. Sean had spent almost an hour trying to convince me to let him buy me one of the things. I didn’t want a leash. Pretty soon I would be required to carry one because of my job. But until they tied me down and strapped me with the damn thing, I’d be free.

I turned to see him standing two feet from me and I automatically backed up a step.

“See,” he said.

“What?”

“You just moved away.”

“Are you having some kind of male PMS you need to tell me about?”

“No, just proving a point.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s like there’s a line in the sand between us and when I step forward, you pull back and draw another.”

“Not true.” I picked up the glass of iced tea and took a sip to moisten my suddenly dry throat.

“The only time that you come close is when I need you,” he said.

“You’ve been spending too much time watching
Tom and Jerry
. I’m not drawing any lines in the sand.” To prove it I took a step forward while looking him dead in the eyes.

“Then why are you so nervous?”

“Nervous?” I licked my lips.

“Your glass is shaking.”

I looked down at my right hand. Damned if the glass wasn’t trembling. I put it on the table and wiped a cold wet palm against my pants leg.

“I’m sorry, Sean. It’s not you. Rena’s going through some things and I’m worried about her.”

It was a half-truth. Her voice had sounded tired and weary in the message on the answering machine. The trip to the Bahamas wasn’t going well and I didn’t have a clue as to why. Then there was Lance. I kept seeing baby Michael asleep in his arms.

Still, that was only a tiny fraction of my real issues. The full truth was that the bond I had with Sean, the one created a year ago while sitting on a lonely cliff overlooking the ocean, had grown strong. The deep friendship had become something that I depended on, couldn’t see myself living without. That I felt more for Sean than anything I ever imagined with Lance scared me to death.

The touch of Sean’s fingers on my shoulders brought me out of my reverie.

“Hey.” He spoke softly as he cradled my chin. “Rena’ll be fine. She’s a fighter, remember? Now why don’t you lie down before you collapse?”

“Sean you’re my guest…” I protested.

“Leah, don’t you think it’s time that you let me help you? That’s what friends are for, remember?” His voice held a hint of annoyance. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

I shook my head and watched as he bent down and unstrapped my sandals. As I sat on the bed, the little devil in my head started pounding harder. Thoughts of Rena, Lance, and Nine’s unexpected visit swirled through my mind like a tornado.

“Lie down on your stomach and close your eyes,” he ordered.

I looked into his green eyes and saw concern staring back at me.

The pounding in my head allowed for no quick comeback. I just did as he asked. I felt the bed move and then the hard warmth of his hands as they eased under my shirt and settled over my shoulders.

“Take deep breaths.” Sean’s voice had softened to a mere whisper.

I felt his fingers moving slowly over my muscles. They pushed gently inward, upward, and outward in fluid motions. So much for the Strong Black Woman, I thought sleepily, feeling the tension in my neck dissipate.

As I lay with my face cushioned in the pillows, I felt like a lost child. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control and I couldn’t handle it. I buried my face deeper into the pillow as Sean’s hands worked their brand of magic.

The sound of the ocean echoed in my ears as Sean sang a soft lullaby. His fingers, like waves, crested and rose, back and forth on my back. As I felt Simba’s furry bulk settle at my feet, I let go of everything, following Sean’s voice as it drew me gently into sleep.

* * *

I dreamed I was hearing one of Pop’s old LP records skipping in my ear. I moved in my dream, intending to find the player and turn it off. Instead, I woke up to a heartbeat that wasn’t mine and thought I was dreaming. The chest moved up and down slowly and the warmth of the arm around my waist felt solid, but I knew Sean wasn’t really there. Instead, I took a deep breath and told myself it was just a dream. Then I looked up into those green eyes and watched mesmerized as his lips lowered to kiss mine. I couldn’t move.

Sean kissed like a man drowning. Thirsty, smooth, long, and sweet. His fingers brushed against my neck and settled upon my cheek as my hands rested on his chest. As he caressed me, I got lost in his kiss. Until the ringing of a phone banished the cloud of sleep from my mind. I pulled back and closed my eyes in embarrassment, but the chirping of the phone continued.

“You should answer that,” I pointed out.

I watched as Sean turned and grabbed the phone off the nightstand. I had scooted over, intending to leave the room when his fingers curled around my arm.

“Stay, darling.” His voice was still husky with sleep and something I wouldn’t allow myself to recognize.

“What’s up, Marc?” he said into the phone.

“Yeah, it’s five-thirty? What’s the problem?”

I sat cross-legged on the bed looking everywhere but at the man at my side.

“All right. Stop yelling. I’ll be downstairs in a minute. Yeah, call them and tell them I’ll be late.”

The sound of the phone snapping closed drew my attention away from the sight of the curtains fluttering in a light draft.

“Leah,” he said.

“Interview?” I asked and watched Sean nod. “You’re going to be late.”

“We need to talk.”

“Later.” I faked a yawn. “I’m going back to sleep and you’re going to go make some people very happy.”

I smiled at him, making a show of lying down and closing my eyes.

“You have to see me out.”

“You are too old to be getting lost from my bedroom to the front door.”

“You have to lock the door, Leah. This is New York, you know.”

I rolled my eyes and got out of bed, all the while watching Sean as he bent over to put on his shoes. Even in the twilight of the room, I could clearly see his tousled hair and shadowed jaw. It should be against the law for a man to look good at that time of the morning.

I followed him to the front and stood back as he unlocked the door and opened it.

“I’ll call you later,” Sean said.

I nodded my head and plastered a smile on my face. “Good luck.” I looked up in time to see a strange look cross his face as he looked at me. I could just imagine what he saw. I was not a morning person and I’d never be one of those people who could roll out the bed looking fabulous.

“Take care.” Sean reached out and held my cheek gently before turning away.

I shut the door behind him and leaned against it with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and looked up to see Rena standing in the hallway wearing a robe and a wicked grin on her face.

“Well, well. Looks like somebody had a man in their bed last night…”

I took another deep breath and prepared to explain. Then I caught sight of the shadows under my cousin’s eyes.

“What happened, Rena?”

She shook her head and sighed, but I was determined. We’d never had secrets between us. If I was covering her tracks with white lies, I wanted a real good reason.

“Nina was assaulted.”

The breath left my lungs in a whoosh. “When, who, what happened?”

“You might want to sit down.”

We sat down together on the sofa. I sat leaning forward and Rena curled up in a little ball with one hand holding a pillow and the other absentmindedly stroking Simba.

“Nina went with a group of girls to a jazz club early last Saturday evening.”

“The night of Sean’s concert?” I questioned.

“Right. Someone slipped something into her drink and she almost died.”

“What?”

Rena nodded. “At first she just felt a little tired and dizzy. It could have been blamed on her drinking, but Nina had a recording session the next morning, so she’d decided not to drink alcohol. All she had that night was a Sprite. Then she felt weak and couldn’t think as someone began to draw her towards the exit. Lucky for her, Debra noticed that something was wrong and tried to follow. Nina passed out before he could get her out of the club.”