From The Moment I Saw Him .... (9 page)

Of course, it wasn’t true to say that I had felt
nothing at all on seeing Nick again.  It was unsettling, and even though I felt
I had acquitted myself well, I was upset.  It took a determined effort to push
the incident to the back of my mind, and get back to routine matters.  I was
glad he looked different to the Nick I remembered, the Nick who was still in my
heart.  It made it easier for me to walk away. 

Next day, I received a rehearsal schedule, along
with my lines.  It didn’t appear that I would need to attend too frequently to
begin with, and I felt confident I could get the balance between work and
acting right without much difficulty.

On Wednesday morning, I was up smartly for an early
tutorial with three of my fellow students.  As usual, I had been down to the
dining hall for breakfast to start the day - I was good at throwing back the
bed covers and getting on with things.  Jo, Emily and I always took the trouble
to dress and sometimes even put on make-up before we emerged in the mornings,
unlike many others who stumbled down at the last minute in their night clothes,
with unkempt hair and unwashed faces.  We believed in keeping up appearances,
even if the only people around were other female undergraduates.

The tutorial took place in the sitting room of the
Junior English Don, Miss Brydon.  Each week, one of us read an essay on a
selected subject, and we would then discuss the topic in more detail.  I always
enjoyed Miss Brydon’s tutorials.  She had a sharp Northern wit, and I liked to
hear her reading Middle English aloud - it brought the language vividly to life
for me.

This week, Emma, a fiercely feminist student, had
written about the different attitudes to women in Chaucer’s
The Canterbury
Tales,
something to which we could all relate.  Emma was particularly
indignant about the suffering inflicted upon “Patient Griselda” by her horrible
husband in
The Clerk’s Tale
, and a robust debate ensued.

“No woman, even hundreds of years ago, would stand
for such treatment,” she declared.

I agreed, but couldn’t help recalling ruefully how
much I had been prepared to put up with when I was so much in love with Nick. 
Women could be like that, and I had every sympathy for poor Griselda.

The tutorial ended promptly, and I made my way back
to my room.  A figure got up from the steps outside my door.

 It was Nick - but a very different Nick from
Sunday’s hirsute creature.  His hair had been trimmed, and the moustache had
vanished entirely.  He looked much more like the ravishing boy who had played
havoc with my heart, and I hastened to raise my defences.

We exchanged a long glance.

“I thought I made it clear I didn’t want to see
you,” I said coldly.

“Come on, Eithne.  I need to clear a few things up,”
he responded, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

The scout, our cleaner, came out of the corridor,
and started to sweep the stairs.  We couldn’t converse there, it was obvious I
would have to invite him into my room.  I unlocked the door, he followed me in,
and closed the door behind him.

“What happened?”

I gestured towards his face.

“I looked in the mirror,” he said wryly.  “I bet
your boyfriends exact danger money if they come to call on you in the mornings,
Eithne.  I’ve never seen so many terrible frights roaming the corridors, your
fellow students are significantly lacking in sex appeal, you know.”

I bit my lip, I didn’t want him to make me laugh.

“What do you want, Nick?” 

I tried to sound cold and disinterested.

“Well, to talk to you obviously.”

“Congratulations on making it up the Banbury Road.”

He came further into the room.

“Please, Eithne, don’t be like that.  If you knew
all the times I’ve wanted to come....”

“Well, I know all the times you
didn’t
come.”

He was standing very close to me now.  I could smell
his aftershave, the same one he had always used, and it gave me a real physical
jolt.  I had a piercing memory of being in his arms, skin on skin, lost in
...... no, it would be fatal to remember that.  I had to hide my confusion.

“Would you like a coffee?” I asked.  I hadn’t
intended him to stay, but needed to cover up that sudden moment of weakness
somehow.

“That would be great.” 

He seemed relieved that I was less hostile than when
we last met, and sat down in the arm chair, while I filled my kettle from the
basin. This year, I had a room in one of the new blocks, and the facilities
were more civilised.

Nick scanned the room and my surroundings.

“Nice view.”

We both looked with disinterest at the college
gardens stretching mistily into the distance.  They weren’t at their best in
autumn, everything looked damp and decaying.

“You must come and see my room, it’s up the most
wonderful twisty stone staircase, and I can see lots of spires and towers from
my window.”

How strange it seemed to be making social chit-chat
with him.  I wasn’t sure I could keep it up for long.

He took his coffee mug from me.

 “You remembered,” he said, smiling.  I looked
down.  I had made his coffee black, strong and unsweetened without thinking, it
was the way he always used to like it, and suddenly I felt vulnerable,
exposed. 

“Nick - I have an essay to finish, so this can’t
take long,” I said.

He hesitated, looking down into the depths of his
mug.

“When I went to France, that summer, it was really
great,” he said slowly.  “Things had got - well, you know, Eithne, it had got a
bit heavy somehow between us, and then there I was - sun, sea, sexy French
girls.  I didn’t have to take any responsibility for anyone, just enjoy
myself.”

The picture I had formed in his garden all those
months ago had been pretty accurate, then.  I waited for him to go on.

“When I got back, I was feeling - I don’t know,
rebellious, I wanted to be on my own for a while.  So when you left me that
message, I didn’t ring you back.  And then, as time went on, I felt ashamed
because I hadn’t rung you. Then, somehow, it was impossible to ring you.”

He gave me one of his dark looks, but I thought I
read regret in his eyes.

“I told myself that I’d contact you when time had
gone on, when we were both at Oxford. But I saw you in town just before first
year, and you were with your new boyfriend, so I thought perhaps it would be
fairer to you to let things lie ....... and later on, those months with you
began to seem like a dream.”

I was puzzled by the boyfriend allusion until I
remembered the presence of Sandy.

“We were both so young.  Too young to deal with all
the emotional stuff.  I did feel guilty for persuading you to sleep with me,
you were such a baby, but so gorgeous, I just couldn’t resist you...... you
still are.”

His face broke into that devastating smile, and he
caressed me with a long, smouldering, desiring glance.

 I nearly fell off my chair.  I could deal with a
penitent Nick, but not with a sexy, confident one, it was too much like old
times.  He leaned eagerly towards me, and I don’t know what might have
happened, had not Jo come breezing in.

“Hi, Eithne, can I borrow your Robinson Chaucer -
oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had a visitor.”

She stopped short.  Nick rose to his feet, and I
introduced them.

“Lovely to meet you, Jo,” said Nick, bestowing
another flashing beam upon her.  I was amused to see her blink and react like
everyone did to the full impact of his regard. 

I got up to get the book.

”Here it is, but I need it back for Friday, please.”

“No problems - see you at lunchtime - bye, Nick.”

She went out, making frantic faces at me behind
Nick’s back.  Thank goodness she had interrupted us when she did.  I felt it
was time to curtail the interview, before I did or said something I would
regret.

“What do you want, Nick?  My forgiveness?  I don’t
know if that’s possible.  Yes, we were both young, but you were a million times
more experienced than I was.  You should have been more careful about my
feelings instead of concentrating on satisfying yours all the time.  I don’t
think I can ever forgive you for just walking away without a word.  That was a
cruel thing to do.”

We stood facing one another.  His face looked
bleak.  Was it regret, shame, or the painful remembrance of better days?  He
reached out and took my hand.  For a moment, I thought he was going to try to
kiss me, and I backed away.

“No.  No, I’m not going down that route again,
Nick.  It took me too long to get over you before.  I won’t take the risk.”

“People change you know.  Circumstances change too,
we’ve both grown up a lot since then,” he murmured, giving me the smouldering
treatment once more. 

“I think that’s debatable.”

I looked away, I didn’t want to find myself
responding to the appeal in his eyes. 

“It’s obvious that we won’t be able to avoid each
other during the next few weeks, so I suggest we get by with the minimum of
fuss,” I said. “I won’t cold-shoulder you, but neither do I want to be mates. 
Do you think you can manage that?”

He sighed.

 “Okay, I’ll try.  Please don’t shut me out
entirely.  It’s been a real shock seeing you again.”

“My heart’s bleeding.”

 I tried to make my tone as sarcastic as possible as
I opened the door for him.  What did he think it was like for me?

He hesitated on the threshold.

“Don’t you ever think about the old days?” he asked
quietly.  “We had some wonderful times.” 

He grasped my shoulder, and buried his face in my
hair.  Emergency bells rang in my head.

“Nick. Go.”

I pushed him away and shut the door.

Jo and I debated the impact of Nick’s visit over
lunch later on.  It was a particularly dull meal of stew and rice pudding,
redolent of school days, which, combined with seeing Nick, made me feel as
though I had somehow travelled back in time.  This only increased my feelings
of unease.

“He certainly has charm, and he’s really handsome,”
conceded Jo, putting down her spoon.  “I can see why you fell for him.  Do you
think he wants you to get back together?”

“I’m not sure.  I think he’s piqued that I’ve been
so cool towards him.  He’s always been used to me falling in with whatever he
wants.”

“What did you make of his explanation about why he
dumped you?”

“It sounded credible.  I suppose I can see how
things kind of overtook him.  But it doesn’t mean that he behaved any the less
badly, does it?”

The rice was burnt round the edges, it was
definitely not one of the kitchen’s better days.  I couldn’t finish mine.

“It’s funny.  Nick was such a big fish in a small
pool at home,” I reflected.  “He’s still a big fish I think, but Oxford is like
an ocean, with lots of other fish in the water, in competition with each
other.  I don’t suppose he likes that.”

“Well, have you ever thought that you are a bigger
and tastier fish now, Eithne?”

I was getting a bit swamped with all these piscine
allusions.

“I’ll just have to swim faster,” I concluded.

“That depends on whether you want to be caught or
not.”

I wasn’t sure what I wanted.  It was satisfying to
feel that Nick was interested in me again, but I didn’t trust him at all. 
Worse, I really didn’t trust myself.

“You still fancy him, don’t you?” Jo asked, as we
rose to leave.

I hesitated, remembering the morning and the sudden
rush of feeling I had experienced.

“Yes, I’m afraid I do,” I said slowly.  “He got
under my skin right from the beginning, and in some ways, he’s still there. I
think I’ll need to fall properly for someone else to get away from him.  It
would be so easy to climb back into bed with him, but he’d probably get bored after
a month or two and I’d be back where I started.  I couldn’t face that.”

“It’s going to be difficult for you, then.”

It was difficult. 

When I turned up for my first rehearsal a few days
later, Nick was sitting next to Ben in front of the stage.  I was surprised,
because Nick didn’t have an acting role, he was doing the press and publicity
for the production, and I didn’t see why his presence was necessary.  He and
Ben were deep in conversation, but they both looked up and said “Hi” as I
sidled in.  I was nervous, although I didn’t have much to do in the scenes we
were about to play.  I wished very much that Nick wasn’t there.

Then, in complete contrast, Suzy swanned in, with an
air of self-importance.  She was already a member of OUDS, the Oxford University
Dramatic Society, and obviously felt she was a real actress.  Well, compared to
me, she was.

I was intrigued to see that she was dismissive of
Ben’s appreciative greeting.  She sat herself down next to Nick, engaging him
in animated conversation, tossing her blonde hair and putting her hand on his
arm from time to time.

Not so long ago, I would have been furiously
jealous.  I took a deep breath, and studied my lines, not that there were so
very many to remember.

Adam, another cast member, came up, and asked me
some questions about my acting experience.  He was funny and sweet, and his
nonsense soon made me feel less nervous.  I saw Nick look across at us laughing
together, with that brooding, dark gaze of his. 

Hmmm.  I thought I could see some interesting times
ahead.  We were all on a kind of merry-go-round and maybe some of us wouldn’t
be finishing the ride.

 Ben was an excellent director, quick and
perceptive, and I soon grew absorbed in how he was shaping the scene.  The
pantomime was set in the City, with more than a dash of Carnaby Street added
in.  Suzy played the principal girl, Eleanor was the principal boy, as was
customary in panto tradition, although I didn’t think she would be wearing
tights - the principal boy in this panto being the lead singer of an aspiring
rock band.  Eleanor had an amazing voice, deep and throaty, and this, combined
with her dramatically short haircut, made her appear like a very handsome and
sexy youth.

My role was that of assistant to the villain, a city
financier who was out to wreck the band’s hopes and do a spot of double
crossing along the way.  I got to do a bit of double crossing too, and my
assistance helped the plot to its final outrageous resolution.  Today’s scene
featured Suzy trying to avoid the financier’s advances, and me eavesdropping at
the end, and realising that he was planning to thwart the path of true love. 
Finally, by way of a light diversion, I had a rather sweet passage of dialogue
with Adam, playing a messenger, who sang a catchy love song to me.

I grew so absorbed as the scene progressed, that I
forgot about Nick, and almost missed my cue.  Ben explained to me that my
character should appear outwardly subservient, but I should make it obvious to
the audience that I had a mind of my own.  It wasn’t easy at first, but the
other actors were a big help.  The financier was played by an experienced third
year OUDS member, Trevor.  I was in awe of him, but he was terrific on stage,
and I think we all raised our game when he was acting with us.

We ran through the scene four or five times.  Adam
came in at the end, and after our light dialogue, he sang his little song.  He
made it tender and funny, and as a result, I think my responses were quite
natural.  To finish, he kissed me quickly on the cheek.  I was taken by
surprise, and put my hand to my face where he had kissed me.

“That’s great, Eithne.  Keep that in,” said Ben.

I felt pleased with the way things had gone.  At
least, I hadn’t made a fool of myself, and I felt I was going to enjoy rehearsals. 

It was late October, and a stiff breeze was blowing
when I came out of the hall.  The pavement was strewn with leaves, and I
remembered how I used to love to scuff my feet through them as a child. 
Smiling to myself, I inserted a boot clad toe into the nearest pile, then
jumped as someone said over my shoulder,

“Aren’t you a bit old for that?”

Nick stood there, regarding me with a quizzical
look.  He was hunched up in his dark jacket, looking very windswept and
handsome, and I felt my heart flip over at the sight of him.

“No - I still love kicking up the leaves,” I replied
defiantly.  

He reached out, and touched my arm, entreaty in his
dark eyes.

“Will you come and have tea with me, Eithne?”

“What, in your room?”

“Well, it’s just round the corner.  Please do.  We
can’t keep pretending we’re strangers.”

“I’m not pretending anything, Nick, but I think it’s
better if I don’t,” I said.

“What do I have to do to show you how sorry I am for
the way I behaved?”

I stared at the leaves, damp and curling at the
edges on the wet pavement.  They reminded me how quickly good times can turn to
bad.

“I accept that you’re sorry,” I said.  “That doesn’t
mean that I can forgive the way you acted.  What I don’t understand is what you
want to happen now.”

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Eithne.  I feel we
should be together.  I want you,” he said bluntly.  “Can’t we try again?” 

There was a keen edge to the wind, and I was
beginning to feel chilly standing there.  I debated whether to accept his
invitation, but I wanted to hear more before deciding.

“Let’s walk a bit,” I temporised.

We began to move towards St Giles’.  He reached for
my hand.

“Do you remember going to see the ducks?” he
murmured in my ear.

The feel of his hand was as familiar to me as my
own.  His skin was smooth, cool and soft, and my pulse quickened.  It was
strange to feel his dark head so close to mine again.

“I remember you were very rude,” I said.  “Come to
think of it, Nick, in many ways, you were a terrible boyfriend.”

“What?  That’s so untrue, you must admit you were
the most envied girl at Beresford High when you were going out with me.” 

Nick looked really disconcerted, he almost dropped
my hand.

“But our relationship was all about what you
wanted,” I pointed out.  “Sex after school before your mother got home. 
Weekends.......I hated those interminable parties, you used to abandon me and
go off and get stoned with your mates all the time.  I should have been far
tougher with you, you’re too used to getting your own way.”

“I don’t remember you objecting to the sex part.”

 He looked at me reproachfully.

“I was in love with you,” I said.

We crossed the road to where the grey stone fingers
of the Martyrs’ Memorial stretched towards the sky.  Traffic was building up,
the early evening rush hour crowding the narrow streets.  I dropped his hand
and sat down for a moment on the steps.  I wanted to think.

“And how would things be different now?” I asked
him.

“Well - I accept I could be pretty selfish in those
days.” 

He stood over me, his brown eyes reflective,
remembering.

“I knew that you were so trusting and innocent that
you would let me get away with - with stuff.  You’re right, you should have
been tougher with me.”

“So now it’s my fault.”

He sat down next to me.

“I want to draw a line under it, and begin again,”
he said softly.  “We’re in a different place, we don’t have so many constraints. 
We’ve both grown up.  I’ve realised what you really meant to me, Eithne.  Don’t
you feel anything for me anymore?”

He put his arms round me, and it felt like coming
home.  Against my better judgment, I leaned against him, drinking in his
familiar smell and the warmth of his embrace.  I so much wanted to believe him.

His lips moved across my cheek, and then he gently
fastened his mouth upon mine.

I had forgotten what a wonderful kisser he was - or,
more accurately, had expunged it from my memory over many painful months.  Now
I was being reminded of it in a way that almost stopped my heart from beating.

“Can’t you find a more comfortable place for that?”

Ben Meredith was standing over us, a look of
amusement on his freckled face.  We broke apart, and must have looked guilty,
because he started to laugh.

  “You’ll probably get slapped with a fine for
desecrating an ancient monument if you carry on kissing her there.  Eithne, I
should demand to be kissed somewhere warmer and a bit less public.  I don’t
want one of my valued cast members catching her death of cold.”

Nick jumped up, and pulled me to my feet.

“You’re quite right - but she seems very resistant
to the idea of coming to my room,” he complained, with a grin.

“Self-preservation, I expect.  Would I be right in
thinking you two have some history between you?”

Ben seemed to be making calculations as he continued
to regard us.

 “You would,” Nick agreed.

I had blushed like an idiot when Ben came across
us.  My hair was blowing madly in the breeze, and I tried to push it back from
my face.  He smiled at my confusion.

“I must say, Eithne, whatever he does for you, it
makes you look very pretty.  Make sure he kisses you before you go on stage
when the performances start.”

“Perhaps you could make that a stage direction,”
suggested Nick, giving me a sideways glance.

“Well, I must get on.  See you next week, Eithne
darling.”

We watched him stride away.  Nick put an arm round
my shoulders.

“Now everyone will know.  Ben’s the biggest gossip
out.”

He seemed pleased at the thought.  I wondered how it
might affect certain dynamics amongst the panto crew and cast.

“I was beginning to think that Suzy had a yen for
you,” I said.  “I saw how she was looking at you today.”

Nick shrugged, and a little self-satisfied smile
crossed his lips. 

 “Oh, Eithne - girls look at me like that all the
time.”

I turned my head away, half amused, half annoyed at
this response.  The old Nick was never far from the surface, it seemed.  It
helped me make up my mind.

“So are you coming back for tea, or not?”

I hesitated.  Tea wouldn’t be just tea, if he
started to kiss me like he had just now.  I was afraid I would be in bed with
him in no time at all.

“No, sorry.  If you’re serious about starting again,
we’d have to take things very slowly, see if you can be a proper boyfriend, for
a change.  I’m going to the cinema tomorrow night with Jo and William.  They
want to see
Z.
  Perhaps you’d like to make up a foursome?”