From Comfortable Distances (47 page)

Tess paused at her
kitchen table – sometimes her mind played tricks on her, but listening closer,
the knock came clearer. If it was Michael, no, she was off limits tonight. She
had to get herself ready for the yoga test tomorrow. Tonight she had to focus. She
wouldn’t answer the door. Only now someone was knocking on it.

Out of her living room
blinds, she saw Neal. The moment he saw the blinds move, he looked up so that
their eyes met. He had the power to still her with his glance, so that she
smiled regardless of what was going through her mind – yoga test, fear, rush,
no time to hang out.
Neal
she said out loud, making her way to the front
door.

She smiled at him and he
was smiling back.

“It’s been a while,” he
said. “I hope it’s okay I’m here.”

“Come in,” she said,
smoothing her white tank top and white lounge pants that she had changed into
when she got home from work. Study clothes loose enough to practice yoga poses
in. She closed the door behind him.    

“I’m glad to see you,
Neal.”

“I’m glad to see you,
Tess,” he said.

“Come upstairs, join me,”
she said, so that he slipped off his sneakers and followed her up the stairs,
his feet so light on the steps she could barely hear him behind her.

When they stood in the
kitchen doorway, he hugged her, tight and hard, so that her nose and lips
nestled into the crevice of his neck, inhaling his clean, soapy smell; there
was a masculinity to him that unnerved her. It wasn’t deodorant or cologne; it
was simply his smell and she liked it. In a moment, she was kissing his neck,
making her way up to his ear before she realized what she was doing and pulled
away, their faces in line.

“I’m sorry,” Tess said, “I
didn’t mean –”

“Why would you be sorry?”
Neal said, his arms still around her.

“I don’t want to confuse
you – I write you one thing and then do the other. I’m terrible,” Tess said.

“I care about you, Tess.
I don’t have the answers either, but I care about you. I came to see you
tonight because I can’t stop thinking about you. Do you ever think about me?”
he said.

She nodded. “I think
about you. I think about me. I think about my life and your life, and how we
are impossible. And then I think about how I want you. And then I keep myself
busy so that I don’t have to think about you and wanting you.”

He laughed. “I’m glad to
hear that you want me sometimes. Even if you try not to think about me.” His
hands were on her bare back now, smoothing her gently there.

“Studying?” he said,
surveying her kitchen table, where her books and note cards were scattered.

Tess nodded. “Tomorrow is
the big yoga test,” she said.

“You’re going to do
great,” Neal said.  “From the nights you taught me, I can attest to you being a
natural.”

“You’re probably the only
person in my life who would say I’m a natural at teaching yoga. Most people
think of me as a neurotic workaholic.”

“Remember, you are doing
the yoga training for fun. No one is going to knock down your door for you to
teach them yoga – it’s a choice. If it happens, wonderful, and if not, you are
still wonderful.”

“Thank you,” Tess said.         

“I should go,” Neal said.
“Let you get your last minute studying in.”

She stared into his eyes,
his beautiful blue eyes, and smoothed back his sandy-colored hair, which was
shaggy now that it was growing in. She nodded. He should go, she knew this in
her brain, but she didn’t want him to go. She wanted him to stay.

“You could study with me,”
Tess said.

His hands were making
their way up her back, his fingers exploring her shoulder blades and kneading
her skin.

“Mmm,” she said. “Feels
good.”

“I could give you a mini
massage and then go,” Neal said. “I could even do it while you study.”

She remained in his arms,
and nodded. She was sure she needed to study more, only the way he was touching
her. She wasn’t going to do this; she was going to send him off and away. She
was going to be on her own and let him go and yet…his hands were gently inching
into the waist band of her pants right now, careful not to be intrusive, just
loosening up her lower spine before they moved up her back again.

“You’ve been at it for
months now. You’re going to do great, Tess.”

“And if I don’t?”

“If you don’t, the world
won’t come to an end. Everything will be fine. You will go on being Tess,
running Best Reality.”

She smiled. “Yes, I
suppose that’s how it will be,” she said.

“You’re going to do
wonderfully, Tess. That’s who and what you are.”

She lifted herself up
from her slumped stupor against his body.

“Thank you, Neal,” she
said, looking into his eyes. “Whoever said pep talks are overrated hasn’t had
one in a while.”

She wanted to ask him to
tuck her in, to lay with her before he had to go. She wanted to kiss him.
Instead, she let herself be held by him without making a move.

“What are you thinking?”
she said.

“That I want to kiss you.
That I want to hold you. I don’t want you to think though that I came here
because…”

“You wanted to have sex?”
she said.

“It’s not like that for
me.”

“I don’t believe it is,
Neal.”

“I keep my distance. I
know that you’re busy and I know that I have to try to figure out what is right
for me. And yet, sometimes, like tonight, I cave in.”

Tess traced his lips with
her fingertips and moved her lips onto his, before he started to kiss her back,
taking over.

“I’ve missed you, Tess,”
he said.

“I’ve missed you, Neal,”
she said. And then he was kissing her passionately, as only he, Neal, kissed
her, walking her backwards into the bedroom, so that she giggled.

“If you want me to go –
if you want to keep studying – I’ll go,” he said and she kissed him in
response.

“I want you to make love
to me,” she said as they paused in her bedroom doorway.

Neal planted gentle
kisses on her neck, and then he was pulling her shirt up over her head and she
was taking off his shirt, so that their bare chests collided, his long fingers
smoothing her shoulders, so that goose flesh spread across her arms, and then
he pulled her close, shadowing her face with those same long fingers, her
insides melting into him, wanting him at those moments, needing him. Tess had
wanted men in the past but it was different with Neal; she was immersed in the
moment, there was nothing else, no to do list, no yoga test tomorrow. She was
willing to toss it all away for him, for this moment, this collision of flesh
and breath and bodies. She kissed his lips gently and then they were immersed in
something more – a finding of one another, a digging, a longing to get closer,
to have more of each other and then he moved her onto the bed, asking her
gently if she had set the alarm – even amidst the passion he was responsible. He
didn’t want her to oversleep for her test. “I’ll wake up,” she whispered, and
then their lips were on one another’s again, their tongues intertwined.

She woke up to the cat
peering at her, his eyes glowing a fluorescent yellow in the darkness. It took
her a few minutes to remember what had happened – she didn’t have any clothes
on; she patted the bed beside her. Neal was gone. She sighed a long and lazy
sigh, tracing the flesh of her stomach and moving down to her legs. This is
what he did to her – left her feeling luxurious and desirable, peaceful and
happy. She reached for her grey zip-up sweatshirt on the floor by her bed and
put it on, sitting up to zipper it, before she reached her legs up to the
ceiling and plopped them back down on the bed. The sudden movement made the cat
dart from beside her and begin to cry once he reached the kitchen. She couldn’t
remember if she had left him food and water and got up from the bed to check.

On the kitchen table,
propped up against her teacup, Neal had left her a note. She smiled before she
even read his words.

You are made up of so
much more than you will ever know. I wish you a peaceful and joyful morning,
and lots of success and fun on your yoga adventures. Remember that your star is
always shining bright – all you need to do is to look up in the sky.

Your admirer and devoted
friend,

Neal

Buddhi’s meows startled her and she put down the
letter and went back to seeing about his food bowl and filling up his water
bowl, which was empty. When he was taken care of and eating, she made her way
to the living room window, and peering out and up into the sky, she searched
the stars, until she focused on one that was shining brightest; it was her
star, there in the sky, waiting for her to take notice. She took in its
brightness for a few moments, before she closed her eyes, as if to seal it into
place. Sleep. She needed to get back to sleep. She moved down the stairs to
lock the double lock, and then made her way back towards her bedroom, Buddhi
following her after a momentary pause.

The yoga studio was
packed when Tess arrived, which was the norm for Saturdays, she supposed, only
she was used to arriving there by 8:00 am at which time she didn’t have to deal
with the 9:00 am class crowd that was signing in at the front desk and then making
their way into the smaller studio. The teacher-training group swarmed the
larger studio, spilling out onto the wooden benches in the hall with some
waiting on line for the bathroom. Dale smiled and waved when she saw Tess in
the doorway, which made Kim and Sara, who appeared to be busy in conversation,
halt and turn and wave, too. The three were situated in a circle of sorts with
an extra back jack and mediation pillow beside Dale set up for Tess. The
thought of taking a three-hour long comprehensive exam on the floor with props
to support her back didn’t particularly appeal to Tess, but she supposed that
there weren’t too many choices at this point. Besides, she figured that the
setting would make it feel as if they were at one of their Saturday lectures
and there was comfort in that. They had from 9:00 am through 1:00pm to complete
the written part of the exam. The practical exams would start up at 2:00 pm and
go through the following day. Tess had been assured her practical would take
place today and she was relieved—she didn’t know if she would be able to make
it until tomorrow. Her nerves made her giggle as she tiptoed her way through
the crowd towards the girls. She couldn’t remember the last time that a test
had caused her such anxiety.

Sara nodded to the clock
when Tess sat down. “It’s show time in two minutes,” she said. She had two pens
and a pencil set up before her with a steaming cup of coffee to the side.

Tess put down a large
tea, and out of her bag took a liter bottle of water, and a sliced up orange in
a Ziploc bag. “Feel free to help yourselves,” she said.

“I didn’t think to bring
food,” Dale said. “Do you think I’m going to be hungry?”

“You’re going to be
taking a million-question test,” Sara said. “I don’t think your brain will have
time to consider hunger.”

“To think we struggled
through the last few months and now we have to deal with these tests doesn’t
make sense to me,” Kim said. “And we paid for this no less.”

“We struggled?” Dale
said. “I thought we had some fun.”

“While all of you were
busy working and figuring out your relationships and debating your careers and
such, little old me was at this studio being a yoga slave each afternoon and
then going home to take care of my darling little boy,” Kim said.

“Sounds awful, Kim. If I
had known you were having such a hard time, I would have invited you to run my
business for a few weeks for a break,” Tess said.

Dale laughed and Kim
shook her head and rolled her eyes at Tess.

“Hey, I’m sort of a yoga
slave, too, Kim. Not to mention, I’m the most indecisive fiancé ever, and I’m
on leave of absence from my job. So basically I’m a total loser.”

“I’m proud to call you
girls my friends,” Sara said.

“Remember that you were
miserable for the first four months of teacher training until your divorce was
finalized,” Kim said.

“Shhh.” “They’re waiting
for us,” Dale said, her eyes on the mentor at the front of the room who was
talking now, greeting the group and letting them know what to expect.

Two other mentors were
walking around the room, distributing the exams and making certain everyone was
set up with pens and all that was needed for the test. The group was instructed
to take their time, and to get up and stretch and use the bathroom when they
needed to.

“Good luck,” Tess mouthed
and Dale gave her a thumbs-up.

“There will be no talking
during the test,” the mentor was saying and then Tess no longer heard what was
being said as she was focused on the twenty-page exam in her hands.

Tess didn’t particularly
remember finishing the comprehensive exam, didn’t remember running to grab
lunch with the girls other than her tasting a few spoonful’s of her tortilla
soup and hearing the girls say this or that about the exam—the anatomy section
was difficult, the English to Sanskrit pose translation section was okay, the
pranayama questions were too complicated. The group’s giddiness during lunch
was appreciated—the hours of focus had worn them out and made any meaningful
conversations impossible. When she arrived back at the yoga studio with the
girls, she couldn’t decide if she was nauseous or had the beginnings of a
migraine, but her tension was high.

She heard someone calling
her name and then one of the mentors was in front of her with what Tess
considered her sugary sweet full-of-shit smile, informing Tess that she was
first up for the practical and that she had a few minutes before it was time to
get started.

Get a grip, she thought,
looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. The water she had splashed on her
face was trickling down onto her tank top. You’re not making a presidential
speech, just teaching a yoga class in front of your yoga friends. She knew that
deep breaths would help, only each time she tried to breathe she felt as if she
was about to hyperventilate. There was a reason for this anxiety, she was sure
of that, only she couldn’t imagine what the reason was. After all, this was
yoga. She loved yoga. She had given endless presentations in her organization,
spoken to thousands of clients and lawyers over the years. She had dealt with Lyla
for Christ’s sake.

First up. She wondered if
it was because she was the oldest. Were they discriminating because of her age?
Were they trying to kick her out of their little yoga club because she wasn’t
gung ho to help them with their real estate pursuits? She didn’t specialize in
commercial reality. She had let them know that. Did they pick her to go first
so that she, the elderly one, could be the example to the others as to what
they should avoid? Did they hope that she would mess up so that they could let
loose on her and then…and then what? She was going to be fine. She was fine.
This would be fine. And then she walked out of the bathroom into the yoga room
and she was standing up in front of the group and the mentors were calling for
a dozen or so of her peers to participate in the beginner yoga class that Tess
was to teach while the rest of the group got to watch. The mentors had lined up
three rows of four mats each for the mock class to use. Dale was up on her
feet, as was Kim and a host of others so quickly that like an outcast from
musical chairs, Sara had to sit down.

Beginner yoga class. That
meant that she had to focus on the breath, spend time explaining each of the
poses, and keep it simple. She could do that—after all, hadn’t she taught Neal
how to do yoga? Start on the floor seated, teach them ujayi breath, cat/cow,
down dog, some standing poses and then back on the floor, hip openers,
backbends, shavasana. She had the sequence down pat. Now all she had to do was
to speak gently, slowly.

Tess’s eyes circled the
room, and she smiled warmly at the fellow teacher trainers staring back at her.
There was something to this for her, being in front of the room, having a
captive audience, and she felt herself relax; she felt almost overjoyed.

“Welcome and
congratulations to all of you for finding your way to beginner yoga. Let’s all
find a comfortable cross-legged seat and if your knees are high up off the
ground, please feel free to use blocks to rest them on. I’m glad to bring you
blocks if you need them.” Tess scanned the room, but everyone seemed to be
situated comfortably.

“Let’s start focusing on
our breath. Notice your inhales, notice your exhales. If your breath is choppy,
your focus is going to be to make it even. Focus on your inhales and your
exhales. Slow and gentle. In yoga, we use what’s called ujayi breathing, which
sounds like Darth Vader breath.” Tess demonstrated and went on. “You keep your
lips closed and inhale through your nose, nice and slow, and exhale at the back
of your throat, all the while, your lips are closed. We’re all going to try it
together. Inhale through your nose and hold and then exhale at the back of your
throat.”

Tess took in her fellow
yogis and smiled; they were all calm and serene as they focused on their breath.
The sound reminded her of a gentle breeze by the ocean.

“Wonderful,” Tess said. “You’re
all natural yogis. Now we’re going to try to link the breath with the movement.
That’s what yoga, or union, is – linking our breath with our movement. It’s our
ujayi breathing which differentiates yoga from calisthenics or gymnastics. If
we can steady our breathing, perhaps we can steady our mind, our hearts, our
souls.”

“Inhale through your
nose, and raise your arms overhead. Exhale and your arms twist to the right,
brushing your left knee.” Tess moved onto her mat at the head of the room to
demonstrate. “Inhale through your nose and your arms raise and fall to the left.
Wonderful. Inhale arms up, exhale your arms and twist. Again, inhale arms
raise, exhale arms fall.”

“Let’s all come onto our
hands and knees now. You want to position your knees in line with your hips and
your hands in line with your shoulders.” She moved around the room and made
some minor adjustments, directing the yogis to move their knees or hands in. “With
an inhale, look up to the sky and let your chest open and tilt your pelvis, and
with an exhale, round your back and look towards your belly. Again, inhale,
open your heart, exhale round your back. Beautiful. Keep going at your own
rhythm, focus on your breathing.”

“We call it yoga practice
as there’s no destination to arrive at. No perfect poses. Just movement linked
with breath.”

“On your next exhale, I
want you all to straighten your legs and come into our first downward facing
dog. Your feet want to be reaching towards the ground, your arms extended,
palms firmly planted on the ground with your fingers spread; your eyes should
be focused again on your belly. That’s your dristi, or one point focus. Move
into the pose slowly. Find the strength in your arms and legs, engage your
core. This pose will eventually become your resting pose. Now it may feel like
work, but trust me, once you practice more, this will be your rest. Inhale and
exhale. With each breath, try to move deeper into your pose—if you need to bend
your knees, that’s fine. When you feel yourself reaching your edge, when your
mind interferes –
no, I can’t do this, I don’t like this, I don’t want to do
it
– let go. Surrender. It’s only a passing moment of your life. Don’t
cling to it. Let the moment happen. Watch it come, watch it go. Don’t be
attached to it. Focus on your breathing. Surrender into it. Inhales and
exhales.”

“Wonderful. You all look
great. Gently, please walk your feet forward so that they’re in line with your
hands, or as close to that as you can get. Forward bend. Let yourself hang here
for a bit; keep focusing on your inhales and exhales. Again, you can bend your
knees if you need to. You want to think about your belly resting on your
thighs. So it’s not about how straight you can get your legs, but about how
much you can engage your core and lessen any strain on your lower back. Your
breathing is what will help you to go deeper.”

“Slowly, I want you all
to roll up, feeling each vertebrae of your spine as you do. Inhale your arms
and sweep up. Exhale, dive down, inhale face looks up, exhale, I want you to
all walk back into downward facing dog again. Stay here for two full inhales
and exhales.” Tess breathed in line with them. 

“And then exhale, walk
your feet forward.”

She guided them through triangle, right angle
pose, and then a gentle lunge and twist before she glanced at the clock and
realized it was time for her to wrap it all up. That had been part of their
training – to make sure that they finished up class on time. People in New York
City were on tight schedules for the most part, and a yoga class running over
was not good – it could stop students with busy schedules from coming to your
class. She had her students make their way to the floor, do one gentle forward
bend, a seated twist to strengthen and open up their backs, one hip opener – a
gentle bhaddakonasana— a beginner bridge pose followed by an inversion – shoulder
stand – and then she had them move onto their backs with 5 minutes to spare.

“I want you all to let
go, rest, shavasana. Corpse pose. Fall into the floor; make yourself
comfortable. This is a time for you to just be. What you have to do next, where
you need to be, let it go. Give yourself permission to let all the rush and
doing go. Now it’s time to just be.”

She weaved in and out of
the people, adjusting their necks left and right with her hands, making a
delicate imprint on their forehead, where their third eye was. Normally, she
would feel odd to touch people, but right now, after what she had been through
with them, after witnessing their transformation into calmer, restful beings,
she felt loving and confident and calm. It was possible to help people, to lead
them in a gentle and loving way towards peace. It was perhaps the first time in
her life that she had felt such compassion so quickly and for no reason. She
was gushing with love and there was nothing she expected in return. The
experience had been that complete for her, that satisfying.

“For me, yoga is about
trusting and opening up my heart, my life; when you do that, anything and
everything is possible. It all starts with showing up and focusing on your
breath.”